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#2189685 01/08/09 12:22 PM
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I am looking for encouragement from a long term survivor. In 2005 I found out about my husband's affair with his subordinate at work. With help from this site I followed the plans and found the support I needed to survive those dark days. As time passed I stopped logging in at marriagebuilders to help myself not be consumed by grief. Now, 3+ years later, the divorce is final, he lives with the OW, and I swallow hard each time my 12 year old daughter visits them. I finally have stretches of time where I no longer think of my former life and what happened to our family.

I feel weak in admitting that I am still bitter and resentful towards them. One minute I am walking along singing the Beatles and feeling happy when WHAM, I find out the OW held my new infant granddaughter. Is it not enough for her that she now lives the life I made with my husband, plays step-mom to my youngest daughter and changed my very character from trusting to jaded? When I receive a sexually inappropriate text message from my former husband I don't respond, but I secretly delight in knowing she is living the hell of being with a cheater.

I have taken the usual course of action, anti-depressants to get through the initial consuming grief and anger, vented during therapy and with compassionate friends. I know that feeling good about myself is the most important task and make the right choices, stay positive with the kids and resist his attempts to draw me in as the other woman. I believe the answer to overcoming is time. I just would like to hear from someone here who has come through to the other side. I want to know that there is hope for a true recovery and acceptance that the lessons learned from this, while hard, were worthwhile. I want to feel confident that a word or action from him won't have the power to bring me to tears.

LifeLivedFully

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when did the divorce become final?

Did you do a full MB exposure? Family, work?

Does your DD know that you WH had an affair with this OW that he married?

TheRoad #2189731 01/08/09 01:47 PM
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Thanks for responding.
The divorce was final in 2005. There was full exposure with family and workplace. FWH and OW ended up leaving the original workplace, apparently they were "caught" by one of their employees having sex at the workplace, Ewwww. They ended up finding work together and they did not bring any of the affair "baggage" with them, their new employees believe they are husband and wife, even though they haven't married...at least yet.

My daughter came home from their house upset a few weeks ago. Apparently they were fighting because he is having an affair with another coworker. BIG SHOCKER! It seems my daughter has thought about what happened with her Dad, more than I realized since I don't do the negative bashing with her. She said the OW should have known he would do "that" again since he did it before. I hate that she is losing the blind child love for her Dad but glad to know she is thinking maturely. Loss of innocence is so difficult, but also necessary to make decisions as an adult...they just grow up too fast and I hate that this is now part of my kids experience.

See, even this post illustrates my ongoing issues with this. It is still too much a part of my life. I want to be in a place where I don't care what happens with them as long as my kids are ok. Don't get me wrong, I have a very active life doing things I enjoy and even dating some. But I still absolutely resent having my family and my emotional health impacted by his decisions. I hate having to clean up the emotional crap he left. My kids have issues from this, and I have to suck down my own feelings to help them be ok with life as it is today. The reality is...I am NOT OK with life as it is today. I know for certain that there is no going back to what we had. I will never feel about him the way I did before. So intellectually I know I am in the right place, wish my emotions would catch up crazy

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Oh my gosh - I am living your EXACT same hell. I have only been divorced for 7 months after a 14 year marriage and one year separation. I need the same help you do but cannot afford a counselor. I am feeling extreme panic and depression upon learning that my EH has found what appears to be the love of his life after all I gave him and dealt with from him (his pornography obsession, narcissistic behavior, neglectful - when he wasn't being verbally abusive - treatment of me and our son, who is 13. They met in October and have been inseparable. I'm sure they will be getting married within 6 months; he's not a long dater.

I do the same thing you do; feel fine one minute, as I DEFINITELY made the right decision to end the marriage, then hear about what the three of them did together from my son. Things I hear from my son reduce me to an insecure mess, he sees it and it's just not good. Once he told me that she's not attractive; described some physical flaws, which really didn't make me feel any better because she's very successful, intelligent and obviously confident. THEN he tells me that she is kind of pretty. I'm so angry at myself for letting it all get to me. I need help desperately. To compound the problem, the ex sold our house and moved into the apartment building right next door to where I was living, so everything is happening right under my nose.

I just wanted you to know that you're not the lone ranger. In fact, I just posted a thread today for some reassurance that being with someone he respects won't make him a changed man........I've gotten a lot of views, but only one answer which didn't really help me. Maybe people do think he can change. I hate that he's happy. I hate it. It's consuming me and making me someone I can't even respect - how can I expect my son to respect me? What am I teaching him?

I know what you're going through. I hope you don't mind if I tag along on your posting for some advice/insight?

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Ladies.....
I'm SOOOOO sorry that you're both going through this. It makes my heart ache for both of you.

Hopefully the Vet's will chime in soon with words of wisdom.



Me46
FWH42
Married 19 yrs
EA 4/07 - 4/08
(Confirmed by polygraph that it had not gone PA)
Dday1 4/13/08
Dday2 8/8/08
S26
S16
D10
Trying to Recover
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Hi Lifelivedfully, first look at the name you chose on this board -- you have to start believing it. You chose it for a reason.

I am not a Vet and my H just served me papers on Friday. He has never looked back once since said "I am not happy" in July 2007. Very entrenched with the OW also and he is her boss, which will be changing in the near future. (Just exposed them).

My biggest fear is that I feel I will never get over him and never be able to truly move on. I feel in my heart that I will always be waiting in some way for him to return.

Glad that you are at least out and dating a bit. If H and OW are still fighting and your child is exposed, you need to step in and tell them what is acceptable. No reason she has to go through more of the same behavior.

My heart goes out to you. You will get the support here


Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09

Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
hope3343 #2192776 01/13/09 11:59 PM
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No advice - but I can empathize with you. I've been separated 2 1/2 years and divorced 1 1/2 years now, and am still struggling with life. I recently heard (via my eldest DD) that my WH got engaged to OW over Christmas... I'm not sure it's really hit me yet - especially as he hasn't told me himself yet.

I have never dated since we separated - sometimes I feel as though I might like to try, then the next day I completely go the other way. I have NO trust where men are concerned any more - and having been a faithful wife, I feel as if I'm being unfaithful if I date - even though we're divorced! My head tells me that I would never want him back - but my heart/emotions are still telling me to 'wait for him'. I hate feeling like this - I want to get on with my life, but feel stuck.

I hate the fact that between them they have plenty of money - they can afford to have fun, they can go snowboarding and go on vacation and buy my kids gifts. When they marry they will be able to afford a beautiful house. I spent 24 years helping my WH build up his business, supporting him, encouraging him. Now she gets all the benefits? It's all so unfair. She's even winning over my youngest DD because she doesn't have to be the 'Mom'. OW can take my DD out for fun days out/shopping (which I can't afford to do), never has to discipline her, never has to make her tidy her room or do homework, so guess what? OW becomes the good guy, while I'm the bad guy because I have to be a parent. Every time I have to discipline my DD - even slightly - I always get the same response from her "I hate you, you're the worst mother in the world, I want to go back to Dad's house". It's heartbreaking. Just when I think my emotions are picking up and I'm starting to feel happy, something like this happens and I plunge straight down into depression again - which makes me an even more boring person to live with - and makes OW even more attractive frown it's horrible - I'm always so excited and happy to see my daughters for 'my days' and within minutes my youngest can knock me down into the depths of hell again.

On my 'good' days I wear nice clothes, put some make-up on, go out with my girlfriends - things are good. But still about 70% of the time I'm in depressed mode, where I stay in bed all day, don't go out of the house for days at a time and feel just awful. I hate feeling this way.

I can't give you any advice - I don't know how to get myself out of this roller-coaster except just to wait until the ride finally stops. You are definately not alone though, and it is some comfort to know that there are others out there feeling just as crappy LOL! (((hugs))) to you, and lets hope 2009 is the start of life picking up for us.


Married: 23 years, WH first affair: 2001, separated for 5 months, he came back - together until 2006, found out he was cheating again with same OW, separated again in 2006, Divorced Summer of 2007.
NewPaint #2192845 01/14/09 02:32 AM
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Wow.

I can relate to SO much of what you all have written. It has been 19 months since my WXH left and 4 since the divorce was final.

I understand that going through adultery (as the BS) and divorcing is considered extremely traumatic, similar to a death. Post traumatic stress disorder sometimes follows in these situations as well.

It is so important to limit your contact with your WXHs in this case because the continued pain that they either intentionally or even unintentionally inflict only serves to keep the BXW in a stagnant state of frustration, hurt and grief.

I know that I have wrestled with many of the same issues (OW trying to befriend my DS, DS having more "fun" at OW's house because she has a DD his age and she is just a happy go lucky gal since she is back with my WXH etc etc.)

I have to keep reminding myself though, that God does not bless adultery. No matter what it may look like on the surface and how much it hurts to see your children spending time with the OW as she tries to make her way into their hearts, please know that you are their mother and no one can take your place.

Also, the (unrepentant) OW cannot hope to compare to a faithful mother who put her children at the top of her priority list by fighting to keep their family together.

I think sometimes that children sense our loss of self worth, anxiety and grief that comes from being rejected (and they can definitely tell when we are going through a low period of depression).

When we are not happy because we are focusing on our pain, frustration, and loss of our family instead of our kids, I'm sure they feel more than a little bit neglected.

My only advice that I can offer to you (which I give myself repeatedly) is to PRAY PRAY PRAY and remember that though you may have to be "the bad guy" (ie not approving of the adulterer's relationship and offering loving discipline), you are a stable influence in their life who genuinely cares for them.

This is very different from the adulterers who selfishly chose to be with the OP instead of their family.

Hopefully our children will see that someday.

I would recommend that if possible, you find activities to do with your children where you can both enjoy your time together.

Even going outside to play or watching a movie with my little ones helps to get my mind off this situation even if only for a an hour.

Slowly, when you ask God to help you and begin to limit your contact with the WXH (as much as humanly possible), your attitude will begin to change since you aren't getting hurt over and over again. You can finally start to heal.

It helps you to be there mentally for your kids instead of getting stuck in that ugly place that almost all BS's go when they discover their WH's betrayed them in the cruelest manner possible.

I really hope that you ladies will find some peace in this situation.

Again, please do whatever you can to remove yourself from any form of contact with your X's.

I never believed it would make me feel better not to know what my WXH was doing or who he was talking to...but I am now a firm believer in stopping the pain and allowing God to heal my broken heart.

He can do that for you as well.

Blessings to you all.

~Sara




Me- 33
WXH- 33
DS- 5
DD- 3
D-Day 6/29/07
Divorce Final 8/27/08
NewPaint #2193145 01/14/09 01:24 PM
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Hello

I can relate to you having to play the part of the disciplinarian. Been there, lived through that.

He left. He immediately paired off with woman number two. He spoilt the DD. His new woman backed him up. Both of them undermined me. DD got whatever she wanted at their place. The OM and woman number 2 were a united force. I was the old bag who forced him to have an affair. I was the tough old bag who disciplined the DD. They had lots to say about me over the years. They were united in their plotting and planning to bring about my downfall. The cement that glued them together was their dislike of me. Over all of those years, I was on my own, one against many.

All of this took place years ago. DD is now a mother herself. Inside, I secretly laugh when I hear my words coming out of her mouth. She is bringing her daughter up in much the same way I brought her up. She is NOT spoiling her daughter rotten as her father and his OW did. She is NOT letting her daughter do as she pleases the way her father let her. Even though I was accused of being the old bag back then, it's interesting that she's now playing the exact same role with her own daughter who is, of course, an absolute delight (don't all grandmothers say that?!).

My daughter's OM left her for another woman just as her father left me for another woman - history repeated itself. My granddaughter is spoilt rotten at her father's place just as my daughter was. My daughter has the hard role to play, that of disciplinarian and sensible parent just as I did 20 years ago.

The PS is that time went by and once my ex and woman number two no longer had me to moan and complain about, once they weren't united against the common enemy (me), guess what they did? They parted company. History repeated itself; he had an affair and left her for woman number three.

My words of encouragement for you are that while you've got it rough in having to be the meanie who makes your kids (say) eat their vegies and do their homework and tidy their rooms and all the other things that responsible parents do, in the long run, guess who they're going to look up to? YOU !!! Guess who they're going to copy in bringing up their own kids? YOU !!! And when they're much older, they're going to look down on your ex and his new woman and they're going to look up to you and admire you for making it through the tough times on your own.
They're going to see your ex for what he was and what he did and they're going to model themselves on you.

Sorry that it's tough for you right now but believe me, you'll be the winner in the end.

RobynR #2193751 01/15/09 01:01 PM
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Agreed. Spoiling children just makes them unhappy, angry people in the end. In nearly every instance, a child will gravitate toward the stable parent, the one who maintains logical regulations, gives them a safe sense.

Speaking of logic, for those of you struggling with your kids, I'd like to suggest what I did. From the time she was old enough to understand, I explained everything to D18 in terms of logic. And added a dash of psychology. It helps make sense of everything, gives them a solid base.

Say Dad took DD to the amusement park with OW. Dad bought DD the biggest stuffed animal at the park. OW saw it and started complaining, because he had just told her he wouldn't pay for a new outfit for her; she makes a scene, everyone's miserable. But when DD comes home, she's tense, irritable because of it all being spoiled. So she takes it out on you, tells you how bad a mom you are, you never do anything fun, you never give her what she wants...just needs to lash out at someone.

If you follow my reasoning, you could very calmly say "I'm really sorry you're so bothered. (notices her) It makes me sad when you're upset, because I love you and would like for you to always be happy. (affirms love and compassion) That's really a nice tiger; that was nice of Dad to get it for you. (no putting down father, so DD doesn't have to defend him) I remember when Dad and I were together, we could afford things like that, too. Taking care of you guys on one salary forces me to make decisions, though. I'd rather make sure you have all the daily things you want and like; that way, Dad can take care of the fun things. (explains your position, shows you aren't withholding out of spite) Did anyone ever show you how a family's finances work? Here, let me show you what it takes to run a house. (give her a quick rundown on money in/money out, teach her the logic of it) Hey, what do you think of us coming up with a craft business together so we could sell your potholders at the next Christmas fair, and we can do something fun with the money? (shows her that you need to earn stuff, shows you want to be with her)

You're being the calm, reasonable person who, honestly, makes good sense. Kids can tell the difference. And they'll seek out the strong, smart parent. May take a while, but their whole lives, they'll remember you as the person they want to turn to. That's better than any stuffed tiger you can give them.


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