LG, if you're around I will be getting that to you in and AM...

Well, tonight was rather good...I'm up too late again, why, I was decompressing playing the xbox after the boys went to bed and we got OS's homework done...

I was thinking that everytime a court thing comes up, I get anxiety about it, thinking WHAT is he trying to pull this time! Trying to prepare for any lies that he may be telling and how can I CYA to insure that the kids and I will be okay...

I'm guessing it's the fear of the unknown...how will this play out...this process has gone on so long for me...I wasn't lucky like some of the others to have everything wrapped up in a timely manner...I mean here I am, by the time that I get to court, it will be 4 days shy of two years since I left...which was March 8, 2007...

When I left work today I felt completely drained...

I txted my mom this morning and she replied with "IF God brought you to it He will get you through it!" I had heard it before but coming from my mom who hasn't been religious all these years is a little wierd! Of course, I repeat stuff like that to her and my SD when I tlak to them, and have shared my faith with them...it's wierd to think that I'm rubbing off on them...in some way...

The done-o-meter ahs been pegged out for some time with POWS, this D, but the good thing is that I don't think about stuff relating to the A anymore...Christmas came and went and not once did I think about what he did to me at the last Christmas party that we went too...I don't think about that stuff anymore...

I think about things like what's he's trying to pull...trying to be prepared for anything that he may throw my way which is working myself up, I think...the fear of the unknown...

It's been a battle with him taking things, selling things, destroying things, and I can't stop any of it, not matter what I do, the legal system or anything...he always appears to get around it! AND it's sooo frustrating and draining!

So, I'm going to bed...I'm tired and I'm not taking care of myself on that homefront to much lately...it's getting myself into bed that's the hardest part but once I'm there...I'm out!

I really need some different POVs to help me walk through this fire AGAin...my emotions are up and down...the rides not over yet and I feel very done on that homefront!

I'm going to have to borrow this. It's very good.

G-d remove my fear of the unknown and direct my attention to being the competent, strong, capable woman who can face whatever is placed before me, because you are with me in spirit and heart, and will direct my path as you desire.

How's that....

If he's not going to be paying child support, then you SHOULD get the deduction. I don't understand why you don't, especially since the kids live with you.

He's probably trying to say you make waaayyy more money than him so you should be able to take care of the kids.

Boy, in Texas, losing your job wouldn't hold water for very long. In fact, I've heard of Judges INCREASING the child support based on a person's earning potential just because they pissed the judge off by quitting their job to get out of paying CS.

So sorry this is happening to you Rin.

THank you so much PM! Then, that explains it all...he's always been irresponsible with money...one of the things I hated about the M, no matter what bills we had to pay, he always got his weekly spending money off the top! THen, the bills, then the kids, and then me!


I save EVERY week just in case something happens, that way I can always fall back on it...he's looking at the bathroom remodel that I had to be back in October and now the car that I got in the middle of Nov....

HA! Both HAD to happen, both for safety reasons...he's got nothing...the judge is going to laugh at him if that's the case...becasue like I mentioned that $200 difference in my job change will not make a different.

I also think that's why they were trying to rush it through the courts before he got a job!

THANK YOU SO MUCH!

Probably so. It would be great if your attorney could delay, delay, delay until he got another job.

They moved everything to the March 4th date! So we wil be doing community property and the rule for reduction that day!

In the meantine, I am waiting on a raise at work and I'm not going to ask about it, when it comes is when it comes, and I will be honest about it! (If I'm asked I guess!) No sense in giving more information then is needed with this things! I'm sure that I will be asked before again before we go to court!

To thy own self be true! Today was a lot less stressful...from the reassurance I got from you...

I use to get worked up SOOOO much about dealing with POWS but looking back I can see that I have gotten so much better...

I really miss LovingAnyway and the "Momma Queen B!" It's not often that I get someone pointing out what I might need to work on...or suggestion on how to work on my stuff anymore...LOL...guess that's a great thing!

Something I still have that thinking that something's "wrong" with me...not often...

Huge difference from Stivin4better to the RinDiva I am today...

Thanks PM! Your little post has really helped! Today was a much better day than yesterday!

Well, well, this morning POWS txt me asking Why I needed him to take the kids this Friday and following Monday.

I replied that I didn't need him to take them the kids were asking to go with him since they had the extra time off from school so they would have to go to the sitter! I wrote: but I hear that you ahve a job?

He replied that he was just wondering...

He stated that He would love it but can't afford feed them right now. His "extra" funds were gone...(WHATEVER!)

I asked who the lucky company was...

And he replied with You're funny,

He did name the company that it's not final yet!

He wanted to "talk" more after later and said to let him know when I got off work becasue he did miss them...that is if I wanted...

(WHATEVER! What did he expect? "SURE, I'll give you some money or you can keep them at the house, or I'll send some food with them?" Was he thinking that "I" would ACTUALLY want to spend some time with him? I don't care what it was that he was thinking, I put an end to whatever it was...What's to discuss, if I'm reading him right...more cake eating?)

I replied with: Just found out I'm off Monday, they can spend the extra time with me...if you can't take care of them, it's all good...Friday afternoon is fine!

He replied: All righty...(i can heard his voice in my head on this one!)

Then, to my benefit and misfortune, cell phone service is out for Louisiana to Alabama...right after I was txting him this morning...

This will disappoint the boys but they will get over it!

Honesty with them right? "Your dad said that he couldn't afford to feed you for the extra time so he will be picking you up Friday afternoon like always and you will be with me Monday!"

just a quick little caution-
A co-worker of mine is EXACTLY in the same situation as you. Recently her Ex told their son "I couldn't afford to get you a christmas present becuase my boss hasn't paid me in a long time and I dont have any money" And then, when it was supposed to be Dads turn to have his son for the weekend he said "I cant afford to have you this weekend because I dont have enough money to buy food for you"

Yesterday afternoon her darling son brought home a $20 bill and announced that a friend at school "gave it to him". When she asked him which friend, he suddenly became quiet and wouldn't talk any more. She suspects that he stole the $20 bill from some one at school - a teacher perhaps, or another student could have had the money in a back pack for lunches. This little boy is only 7, and he is in 2nd grade. So how could he have a friend who would just give him $20???

My co-worker thinks that he "found it" or stole it, to give to his Dad who clearly needs the money.......

After all, he wants to spend time with Dad, but he cant because Dad doesn't have any money. SO.....he sees a $20 bill, and picks it up to give to Dad. End of problem.

I am NOT telling you to give money or food to your Ex. Just cautioning you to tread lightly in what you tell the kids.

Thank you so much! I think that I will just tell him that their dad is unable to take them the extra time and be done with it! Lord knows I don't what a sitch like that to occur!

The other thing I was concerned with is the way that he tries to "sneak" in time with me...

At Christmas, he said to the boys when dropping them off that he would have to see about coming over and playing the xbox with them. To this I said nothing...I ahve learned with him when I crack the door, he puts his foot in and tries his hardest to walk back in that door...

I am in Plan B even with being D, it's just better for me...who wants to spend time with a someone who ahs done the things that he has done...It's been a long learning process for me to break the cycle...but done is done...

I not longer accept unacceptable behavior...

I'm tired of the "poor Me!"

When he asked to talk this afternoon after I got off work...I thought there's nothing to discuss...either you want them or you don't!

I was just kind of wondering with the history if I was being to harrass in not wanting to discuss anything more with him...

Thank you WOF! I appreciate you sharing that with me...I will be very careful in what I say to them...

Good Morning!

Well, since the cell phones were back up...I txt POWS and asked if there was something specific that he wanted to talk about yesterday...

He replied with: no it was nothing. I was gonna drop by and play the xbox with you guys but oh well

I replied: I didn't care for the last time that you dropped by and Christmas day when u mentioned 2 the boys about doing that, that's why I didn't say anything, I don't want to be involved in their time with you.

Was that boundary clearly stated?

I probably should have said something at Xmas day but didn't want to do it in front of the boys...but he has been having a habit of saying things in front of them and IDK guessing, assuming, that I will go along with it b/c he's said it in front of them...like he's using them to get his way...

Which I should expect but I have to be careful with the boys on how I handle things...I don't want to give them mixed signals...IF POWS were to spend any time here OS wouldn't think anything of it, but YS would be the one wishing for mommie and daddie to get back together and I don't want to give him any kind of hope...

Besides, I don't want to be around him...I'm not going to give him the opportunity anymore to hurt them or me...remove me from the equation and of course it will still be MY fault in POWS eyes, but I'm not there to hear the garbage or wonder if my thinking it right...it's just healthier...I love PLan B...

Well, here you go!

POWS txted back with:You know that's fine! It's ok if you hate me I'm not perfect and I've made my mistakes so whatever you want...

I replied with: U assume alot! Have a nice day!

his last messege just now was: Just going off what I read that's all

I'm not going to reply becasue from what I'm reading on other threads, I think I'm getting that I don't have to explain myself to him... all communications need to be business like and if I were to reply then I would be esculating things and that's not what I want to do...it's not healthy for me or him...

Let it be...if he choose to think that I ahte him, so be it...I'm not responsible for his thinking...

So true.

Rin,

You are right in cutting out the continued communication. You stated your boundary (very well done by the way). It matters NOT what your reasons are. You do NOT have to explain any of that to him.

He is not welcome.

Period.

End of story.

As you state, if you crack to the door, he will try to then blow right back in completely. When they are 'down' or needy, here they come. I've had more communication with Drac, too. Lots going on at work and he's coming to me to talk about it. Even a few minor inuendos that could easily be taken as 'opening's. I'm not going there.

And neither are you.

Also, it is not important (IMHO) at this time for the boys to know WHY he can't take them for the extra time, only that it won't work for him. They do not need to be drawn into that drama.

If he chooses to tell them what he can or can't afford in their regard, that is his choice. It's not necessary for you to inform them.

Keep up the great work!!!

HI Cat!

Thanks Bugs! I didn't mention to the boys why after WOF said that I chose to just tell them that he could not take them and that they would be with me for the extra time Monday! They WERE REALLY happy about that! So they didn't ask anything!

We're be playing Lego Star Wars The Complete Saga ALL day! You can bet on it! I never thought that playing video games could be so much fun with them. I've found it to be great family time! We take turns and when they can't do something they ask ME to do it!

We high five when we complete something difficult, congrad each other for smart thinking! I really enjoy it!

Tonight they get to stay up to 10 b/c they don't have school tomorrow but since we do have to get up early to go to the sitter's, they can't stay up passed that! Sunday will be a different story!

Anyway, I'm working on how to handle him... mostly what to say and not to say...I have a habit of giving myself away when I talk to him and I don't want to continue to do that...

One thing you could do is pray to G-d and ask him what is the next indicated step for you when you know you are contacted by him or have to deal with him.

I will certainly rememebr than one!

I was just reading in "The Love Dare" as featured in Fireproofand it said:

It talks about the four basic core ingredients of kindness:

gentleness- you're careful how you treat ppl, never being unnecessarily harsh, You're senisitive, tender, even if you have something to say that is hard, you'll bend over backwards to make it easy to hear, you speak the truth of love!

Helpfulness-you meets the needs of the moment without worrying about your rights

Willingness-inspires you to be agreeable, instead of being obstinate, reluctant, or stubborn, you cooperate stay flexible, rather than complain or make excuses, you find reason to compromise and accomodate.

Initiative- Kindness thinks ahead, then takes the first step. It doesn't step around waiting to be prompted or coerces, it doesn't require the another to get their act together before showing love. When acting from kindness, you see the need, then make your move.


I have to remind myself to act kindly to MYself in these ways as well as others!

I have been told, but I am NO EXAMPLE...

Being kind to yourself is the greatest gift you give someone else. It may be the example that they need to see and believe they can do it for themself.

I'm still learning. But you, woman are a great example of being a lot farther than me.. I congratulate you and remind you how special you are...

Queen that means a lot to me right now! Today!

I had a rough day at work! I completely lost it...we changed payroll company and alot of the employees payroll was wrong, so I had to call about that...then we have been fighting to get our students books...some of them are wrong, others we don't have,blah, blah, blah...

Well, I called to check on some books I ordered and I was told the conversation that I had with the lady was ME NOT ORDERING THEM...a co-worker was sitting right there by me when I did it...so I were to his office and explain, but the tears were welling up...

I was waiting on these books which was supposed to be overnighted last week...NO BOOKS! Here I am trying my best to take care of my kids and NOTHING!

Disappointment and disbelief turned into ANGER! I went into my Director's office and was cursing and crying...good thing I can do that with him...I calmed down, gathered my wits and set off to get these books anyway I can...I ahve some coming in tomorrow morning and have learned a lot in the process...I'm not happy with the process in place to get books...

This has been an ongoing thing since last week and I had enough tonight...My director told me to make sure that I scheduled myself for a massage tomorrow!

So I came home tonight and decided to ahve a fun night with the boys...we played Star Wars all night and I'm heading to bed now!

I don't feel that I ahve been doing the best job of taking care of myself here lately...so I cooked something to eat while the boys played, and ran a hot milk bath...something that I ahve been wanting to do but just did drag myself to do it...while I was in there I read out of that Book I mentioned. After that I played with them...

All of my tense has been building between my shoulder blades and the last two nights I ahve come home hurting...last night I got a massage and by the time I got home I was fine...

I think that I will do alot of relaxing this weekend, no thinking about work or anything having to do with it...until Tuesday...Sunday night the boys are coming home and it will be more play time with them until Monday night...

Well, I headed to bed, I know as soon as I lay down I will be out..I have parent teacher conferences in the morning for both the boys, normal check and see stuff...so I'll get to work about 10...massage and I'm out at 4...SOOOOO looking forward to that...

I really need to practice some selfcare...H.A.L.T...

I'm not doing well with that in my eyes...

No, Rin maybe today and the last few days have been a bit rougher than you would have like internally and spiritually, but think of how quick you recognized it and came out of it.

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION....

You had YEARS of dysfunction. It's unrealistic to think that in a short span of time we are healed, able to not only recognized situations but handle them in the most healthy way possible.

One way of taking care of yourself, is being kind. I went through a month of sliding backwards and I didn't realize it. It's OH SO easy to see the other side.

Keep It SIMPLE Sweetie

Keep close to G-d, go back to basics of safety. You are powerless over people, places and things and when we think we have the slightest bit of control, power, etc, our life becomes unmanageable.

How does your life become unmanagable? Chaos happens... Familiar.. Chaos, even when it isn't your own doing. And some of it when it is.

But how do we get through it? We come to believe that a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity. What's the insanity that needs to be restored? The POWS is having a little more influence in your life, work isn't flowing like it can, your rowing up the river instead of the calm kick back down stream where G-d is leading us.

By making a decision to turn our life and our will over to the care of G-d as we understand him and we let him have the control because he knows us best. How do we do this? We give ourselves a break, we talk to our sponsor, we are kind to ourselves and we stay frickin close to the man upstairs and ask him for help.

G-d grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

If you still have a resentment over it.... You know what to do... You work the 4th step, you look at what's being affected by the resentment, and you find out what part you have in it. Then, you admit to G-d and someone else the exact nature of your wrong doings. Then you let the fact finding unfold so you can learn something else about yourself and where you need a little more work.

We have a program for life. We have the tools to handle any problem and we BOTH have the spirit and the heart to accept our responsibility and make the changes that G-d needs us to make.

Sleep well my friend, you deserve a night full of sweet dreams and restful thoughts.

I love you

From LG Monday!

WEll, something GREAT did happen today! My director called me into his office and was asking me about salaries for employees becasue we have been working on the 09 budget! Well him and the President of the company have been saying, really since before my Director came in, that I would be taken care of after the new year...

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.....

He asked me "what I wanted?" in regards to my salary...and I laughed becasue I have been having this number in my head for years and I knew that I wasn't going to get that number but I spit it out anyway and he laughed and came back with a lower number WHICH WAS COMPLETELY ACCEPTABLE to me...

NOW....I don't know WHEN it will take effect and like I have mentioned earlier I have been waiting on a raise...but it looks like it will be in the next few months...once all of the approvals and everything or processed...we talked about the worst thing that can happen is the President saying no and we don't see that happening because I "proved" myself with that short term as Acting Director...

So, the moral to the story is that God may take away something but he always provides and sometimes it's better than you hoped for!

Queen:

I have been having a few awaking in the past few days! I had to punish YS the other night for his behavior when I told him to go to bed and then I told him in addition to what he just got he was punished from the xbox for one day. Well, yesterday I was driving to pick them up after work and it hit me that if I followed through with the xbox then it was like punishing him twice. So, when he got in the car, I talked to him and told him that I would not be punished him from the xbox and my thoughts behind it. Then, I felt if I did that then I would be punishing him twice and that was not right in my mind. I am human and make mistake, to correct that he could play.

I was pretty proud of myself for that because I value fairness and I feel that in some areas I am not fair. Mostly as a result of the sitch, like: I feel very guilty that I don't help YS with his homework as much as I do OS. OS is failing and YS is on the honor roll. OS does take up alot of my time with that and YS is there "sometimes" with the answers to OS's homework. I am so proud of him but I'm doing the best that I can. I do feel the need to make amends to him so I'm going to do my best to give him some special attention.

I was talking to his teacher today, telling her how proud I am of him becasue he doesn't get as much help becasue I work with OS SOOOOO much. His teacher praised him, calling him quite the little comedian and swears that's what he's going to do for a living! LOL...She also said that she recognizes his strong will to success. I said that he definitely gets that from me! I think that I may have an over achiever on my hands!

With OS we are seeing a little improvement in just the last two weeks and I pray that we are on the right track. I am still waiting on his new glasses to set up the rest of his eye tests so that we can get the vision therapy started.


My faith is the core of why I turned my life around...how I was able and sometimes NOT willing to let it go but did it anyway...sometimes under protest...

I use to say and sometimes still do, thanks to Eph..."Leap and the net will appear!" I have always "jumped off cliffs", but today I do it differently...


THIS PART, well, I think can be my downfall sometimes...I life in step 4 I think...do you belief in your sign? not all the of it...well, I believe that I am true to the personality parts...I am the scales...I am constantly weighting things back and forward...it can be a strenght and a weakness...

So, working step 5...comes easily becasue I have to bounce my thoughts off ppl to figure out for myself if I'm right or wrong...plays into the self doubt IMHO...

Now, my anger has been a strenght in my eyes becasue it motives me to do something about the sitch..."I'm mad and I'm going to get THIS done, NOW, how to do I that?" I use it constructively...but it has been a weakness...

I think the hard part is figuring out what that underlying emotion is becasue anger is always has a partner.

As for you miss Ma'am, you are coming along just fine...I'm very proud of your Proactive approach to YOUR stuff of late... GREAT JOB! Pat yourself on the back...

NO, like really...right now! LOL...

Did you do it?

Love you too! And all of my wonderful MBers who continues to help me make it through the rough days...today has been pretty good...even with the tearing up at YS's conference...and the pressure at work about these darn books today...I'm going to go in tomorrow since I don't have the kids and try to get caught up some! It SHOULD be peaceful with only a few ppl around!