This is A threat, follow through, send his butt to jail...let it be known that YOU will not tolerate this behavior...you don't deserve to fear your job, fear losing your kids...fear whatever it is that he's trying to brainwash you into...

GO TO THE WOMEN SHELTER AND explain what has been happening! GET AND USE THEIR advice...the one thing that stuck out in my mind after I talked to the one's here was in my case that POWS was all talk and would not follow through with his threats...

They deal with people like this all the time, there can let you how you need to handle this AND DO the protective order for you!

I can NOT tell you HOW USEFUL these people are! YOU REALLY WANT TO STOP THE MADNESS...the rollercoaster, the fears...seek their opinion...yes, it's scary but you can and will reclaim your life...and your children WILL BE PROUD OF YOU FOR PROTECTING THEM...THEY SEE MORE THAN YOU GIVE THEM CREDIT FOR!!!!

Also, what happened to the 1st journal? I like the idea of the journal being kept at work, that's what I did! I kept ALL OF MY IMPORTANT STUFF AT WORK...birth certificates, social security cards, titles, registeration, etc., SOOOOOOO that POWS could not destroy it or take anything that I needed to PROVE that "I" wasn't lying, that IT WAS HIM doing ALL OF THE CRAZY STUFF!!!

GET A LAWYER PLS!!! I know it's scary but all you have to do it put one foot in front of the other...one day at a time, and sometimes one moment at a time!

AT LEAST CALL THE WOMEN'S SHELTER...that's the first step...gather your courage and pick up the phone book, find the number and even through your insides are shaking and your scared, dial the number...if your voice cracks and you tear up, it's okay...it's normal...say HELLO, I NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE, I'M SCARED!

They will not reject you...THEY WILL UNDERSTAND...they have been through this before and that WILL HELP...it's hard to ask for help sometimes but sometimes WE need to lean on our ppl!

I KNOW HOW SCARY IT IS BUT IT COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE...YOU CAN BE HAPPY ALL THE TIME, YOU CAN BE IN A PLACE WHERE YOU DON'T WORRY ABOUT WHAT WH WILL DO...

You're fear is real, the abuse is real, pick up the phone PLSSSSS!!! If you can't do it for yourself do it for that beautiful little girl and boy who deserve a drama free life just like you do! Do it for them!

OMG there is such a freakin echo in here.

Carry on.

Well, it's time to come in for a landing.

Call the women's shelter. Protect your children, and do it NOW.

You have not Plan B'd. You have not gone dark FOR YOUR PROTECTION, which is the purpse of Plan B.

The best way for YOU to Plan B, is to call the shelter and get their help. Your WS is an abuser and you and your children are victims. GET HELP!




This is victim behavior and IS NOT the high road. The high road would be getting the children who depend on you to a safe place. THAT is the high road.

When will you take it?







this is abuse.





I did NOT discourage divorce by recommending you get a lawyer and NOT do a do-it-yourself divorce. I am encouraging you to empower yourself and get protection, so that your WS cannot continue to ABUSE you.




This is not a joke. I am serious. You are closer than you think.




PLAN A is not recommended. PLAN B is...because you are a victim and NEED the PROTECTION of PLAN B.





Land the plane, 2M2L. Call the shelter TODAY. Do it RIGHT NOW.

No more excuses.


Stand up for the lives of your children and become the mom they need you to be. Every day, week, month, year that passes that they live in these conditions, is damaging them. They need to be rescued.

Rescue them.

Please listen to SMB. I truly believe that she is hearing the Holy Spirit on this.

Here is your to do list for right now.
1.call the Womens Shelter, and get an appointment to sit down and talk with someone. Tell them you are scared, and just need some advice. You are only going there to chat with someone. It doesn't mean that you have to take out a restraining order or anything else. It just means that you will sit with people who know what you are talking about - and they will help you.

2. Keep a long,detailed journal, and leave it at work.

3. Keep in mind for the future: you want full custody of the kids, and he can have ample visitation time. As soon as he attacked your religious training for the kids - I knew you needed full custody. He can still have plenty of visitation with the kids. But you need to be able to make decisions for your babies about going to church, getting braces, what school to go to, etc. If you get any type of shared custody with him, you will have to fight him for the next 18 years on all of this stuff. This is where a lawyer will help you. When it comes to your babies, stop trying to appease your abusive WH. Tell the lawyer about these nasty messages. Listen to me - you are making decisions right now that will affect your babies future.

And - take steps to do whatever you need to do to get him out of your home. Tell him that the two of you are in the middle of a D. It makes no difference whose fault it is - but you are getting a D. And after the D is final, he will not be able to come into your home and hang out. You are sorry that things have come to this, but you need to plan for you future. I know you are not ready to just shut him out all togehter - but start taking steps. Move the furniture around. Move the dishes in the cupboards. Switch the pots and pans around. Take ownership of this place. You will most likely need to sell it. for your own sanity - I think you will need to sell it and buy a new place. So perhaps you could start by slowly putting things in boxes, and getting ready for a move. Stack your boxes in the garage. DO NOT allow him to help. Do it yourself - a little at a time.
when you find things that are his, put them in a box and give them to him when he picks up the kids. No more TM to say "I have your clip". No messages to say "I found your favorite underwear, do you want to pick them up?". Put his stuff in boxes and bags, a little at a time, and hand it to him.

It is ok that you want to be married. That is normal. God built us for relationships. But having the feeling that you want to be married - does NOT mean you need to live with abuse. And PLEASE do not get into any realtionships with men until you have had extensive help. You are NOT ready for a new R. You would end up in another abusive R right now, becuase that is all you know.Your last R was abusive, and so is this one. Stop the cycle. Get into relationships with other women for now. But stay away from men - married men and single men, until you are in a much healthier place. Do not get sucked into this whole idea that "I was only talking to this man because I wanted to get a mans perspective about why my H acts this way, and as it turns out this man is SO GOOD for me, he understands me, and he is so kind. I think I have found my soul mate". You are VERY vulnerable right now. In fact, if one of your WH's friends calls to just see how you are doing, politely thank him for his time, and gently end the conversation. Never, ever, ever, call a man yourself, or spend time alone with any man. No matter how harmless you think it is.

I'm going to have to repeat to you what was said to me when i was at this point!

If this goes on any longer then you are no longer a vicitm of abuse but a volunteer! You are aware of the situation and need to take great measures!

I know that it's hard for you right now but can you give us an update?

Everything I have said as well as others here, is out of care and concern...

I really do thank you all for your care and concern.

I have been reading but not posting for the following reasons.

I'm so busy at the moment. Over Christmas and for the last few months of last year I was wallowing in self pity and trying to take action to save my marriage and was letting my work slide etc. This year I have been back on the job at work and out meeting with new prospects and clients, writing proposals and cold calling. I have been getting in early and leaving later and really applying myself to turn my luck around.

You know what, it's paying off. I signed up a big sponsorship deal last week and I've got an amazing opportunity with a new client that could help make me financially secure if it comes off. I don't have time to waste at work now and posting (as I write so much) takes up a lot of time.

Also, I'm not busy wallowing about or fighting for my marriage anymore. I have realised that I will never have the marriage that I deserve with WH unless and until he has a defining moment and gets help on his own and he develops a plan of action to win me back and be an active participant in the marriage. I am more than happy to live my life in this holding pattern I'm in as a single mum with a part-time dad. He visits regularly, calls the kids each night and is actually respectful to me about 80-90% of the time. As far as WH's go, he's doing pretty great as a dad.

He has control issues no doubt and needs to get help, but I am not antagonising him (with relationship talk) and I will get back to reading the books as soon as I am not working at night on proposals. He has the divorce papers and if he wants to start proceedings, he can. It will take up to 8 weeks minimum to get a court date and I have lots of time to engage a lawyer once the application is filed.

I'm ok just the way things are now. No expectations. No long term concerns. I will be fine as a single divorced mum and am not scared about life on my own. I still value marriage and do not want to be in the divorced statistics, but I am not ever going to be in an abusive marriage again. I will protect myself and my children. For better or worse I can generally tell when WH is going to go off the deep end and he's far from there at the moment. I'm taking it a day at a time.

He spoke with me last night and said that he realises he shouldn't be as angry as he is and thinks he needs to seek help. I agreed but left the arrangements up to him. He thinks he needs to fix things in himself before he can be happy in marriage. I did not prompt this discussion - we were speaking about repairing the tyre on the car. He is thinking more about HIS stuff and that's good.

I just keep praying that God will open his heart, soften his heart and warm his heart!

Thanks for sharing and caring.

* ooops * n/m

You are fooling yourself.

I think you are making a dangerous mistake right now.

I wish you well, 2M2L.

Keep on colouring in the good and bad days At the moment all is quiet and you seem to completely forget the bad times when this happens. It is not a case of turning a corner and everything is suddenly more or less OK.The pattern is definitely cyclical if it runs true to form then the quiet time will be followed by more drama.

I hope that the intensity of the dramas fade out for you although there is no guarantee of that happening. You need to think about plan E for Emergency Escape .Check out the abuse help system now so that you are forearmed if/when something happens and he tries to blindside you

Hi Myopia,

I am using a free tracker system on medhelp (see Track Your Health) which is fantastic. It's the mood tracker (for yourself or someone else). You can be very specific, include a journal and it graphs the info for you and keeps it colour coded too.

I'm a gadget girl so this is great. It's password protected too and accessible from anywhere on the internet. Actually, you can use it to track any medical condition such as cholesterol or headaches, fertility, treatment etc and through to weightloss and impact of medication or not to treat it. I used a similar system to track my fertility and then pregancies.

I figure at best it will be a valuable resource to me and one that cannot be "stolen". Maybe, he will one day be able to use the data I include too. I have been asked by one of his psychologists in the past to keep a diary of his moods, so it's really just an extension of that!

I do have a habit of finding the good stuff and ignoring the bad (out of sight out of mind) but I am slowly realising a pattern and I need this for my peace of mind too. I will be able to use it in my treatment.

Thanks again.

And yes, I am actively working on a plan for emergency

He came to visit the kids last night. He turned up at 6pm (totally on time) and played with the kids before tea. I cooked an awesome t-bone steak which was about 1.5 inches thick and it was oh-so-good with my creamy mushroom sauce and gourmet salad. It was divine. Honestly, I wish the kids would eat salad and steak so that I didn't have to live on pasta and sausages and mashed potatoes!!!

We needed to go to the chemist and DD insisted that we ALL go together. No problems there so we took off and did everything and put the kids to bed when we got home. He bought some things to fix the mirror of my car and was busy doing that in the garage.

The laptop was fixed so he set that up too and we watched Top Gear together. He hung around for ages. I fell asleep on the couch at 11:30pm and he told me I didn't have to wait up, I could go to bed. I didn't say much but obviously wasn't going to do that.

He hung around for a bit longer looking for things for the car in the garage etc. When he finally left at midnight he gave me a kiss on the cheek and a big hug which I pulled back from. I wanted it, but I know want it so I put the distance there and he got in the car and drove home. He called to ask for the details so he could pay the swimming fees and said he was tired. I think he had hoped I would ask him to stay...but I resisted - YAY.

The kids missed him this morning and they called him and asked him to come home... It's the standard conversation completely unprompted by me but it makes me so sad.

I have a c0cktail party for work tomorrow night and he might look after the kids for me. My sister is staying all weekend so it's completley safe and I'll be bring her home with me at 11pm so I don't think he'll ask to stay either.

I feel happy and ok with life as it is right now. No expectations, no pressure, no worries.

Because you are only doing what feels good for you, at this moment. What you are saying is:

"As long as he is nice to me, and I am feeling good, then I will let him come and go as he pleases. We can play house as if nothing is broken, and nothing needs to be fixed. I will let him come and go, and it is confusing for the children, but what the heck I feel good. And then, when he goes into another one of his agressive out bursts, I will just remind him that I don't want this M anymore, and make him go away until he can be nice to me again. After all, it is all about me. And what feels good for me right now. I am not hurting anyone else. Except for.....those two little babies....who dont understand why this man keeps coming and going. those two babies who probably assume that the reason he doesn't stay is because they were a bad boy/girl the last time he was there. Those 2 darling babies who think this is a normal life, a normal family. you grow up, get married, and the Daddy comes and goes whenever he wants to. Mommy fixes him a nice steak. And sometimes the Daddy spends the night, but sometimes the daddy yells the f word at the mommy, but that is ok. That is normal family life. Who would ever expect better?"

Come on sister. You KNOW that his current "niceness" wont last. What has he done to fix what is broken inside of him? Where has he learned new skils to cope with life? What will happen the next time an 18 year old girl shakes her bootie in front of him?

Every time he comes and hangs out, plays with the kids, goes to the chemist as a "family" and then leaves again - he is
re-opening the wound for those kids. They see you acting like everything is happy again, the Daddy is back. And then he is gone again in the morning. There is a big, gaping wound on their heart. And when he comes and goes like this- he rips the bandage right off that wound. It is ok for you - you have no expectations, no pressure, no worries.

But those babies have expectations, pressure, and worries .

You tell him that he needs to get help. That you wont accept his bad behavior any longer. But you ARE accepting it. And rewarding it with steak dinner!! So he has no incentive to get help, to learn how to be a better H. He all ready knows that he can call you any name in the book, make horrible threats, and then show up at your house and pretend it never happened.

ugh. The only reason I keep up with this thread, and keep posting, is because there are innocent children involved.

Seriously, I feel like someone has to advocate for those kids. Because I am quite certain that your parents dont realize your WH is coming into the house and hanging out whenever he feels like it.

It's worth repeating for myself too!

Honestly, sometimes I think that you get it and something I just want to :twobyfour:

I've been keeping up but haven't had ANYTHING to really say about YOUR present frame of thinking that would be nice...

I'm just waiting for the next Violent Episode...

This time you just might lose your job and he'll ahve you right where he wants you...unemployed, needing help finanically...then he's back in the door!

You have COMPLETELY knocked the wind out of my sails and I am fighting back the tears.

I was told on Monday night by one of the carer's at the day care centre that she overheard DD telling a dad that her daddy doesn't live at home anymore but he visits a lot.

WH told DD that he loves mummy very much and that was his way to fix it. I had pushed it out of my mind and felt helpless and thought that visits were a good thing for the kids. Screwed up, but stable. I hadn't thought of it in the way you have explained and I feel so raw.

I don't know what to do. I really thought I had a handle on things but I obviously don't.

The kids need their dad too so what do I do? Should I be less nice when he visits? Should we not eat together? Should I leave when he visits? They are too young to have visits outside the house and it is recommended by the family centres that the visits happen at home so they are not more confused etc.

I get that his abuse is his problem and he needs to fix it.

I get that I will not accept less as a husband.

But, isn't that different from the expectations of a father of a 1 year old and a 3 year old?

I'm hurt and confused!

I hear what you're saying...ugh!

What do you do? You start learning about your situation. You pick up those books you're ignoring and learn how people braver than you solved their problem. You learn how people who don't fix the problem end up dead and the dad ends up in prison and the kids sent to foster homes for the rest of their lives after watching their dad murder their mom.

ugh is right.

I tell people this: Once you have kids, you don't get to be selfish.

Your fear and unwillingness to do the right thing is your selfishness - protecting YOU.

2M2L - are in you in treatment with a therapist?

- M