My husband and I have been seperated for 5 months. 3 days after he left I found out he was seeing a 19 yr old from his work(hes 29). I was devestated nevertheless but after about 2 months he comes to me and says he wants to come home. So we have been talking more and spending more time together. The problem is this...he says he`s involved with this girl and she cuts herself therefore he must be gentle in ending the relationship. We have 3 children together and have been married almost 9 yrs. I am trying to be patient and have many times talked to him about the pain I am going through just so he can let her down gently. So far its been 6 weeks and he says he`s becoming more and more distant and it will eventually fall apart. I feel like its never gonna end!Sometimes I feel like I can`t do this one more day and other times I feel like this is my marriage and it`s gonna be worth it!Please give me some advice...ANYONE!

Betty - first suggestion is that you notify a moderator (click the notify button on your post) and ask them to move your thread to the General Questions II forum which is more active and you will get a lot more advice.

Second, he is cake eating and you should be considering going to Plan B.

IF this girl is a danger to herself he should report her threats about self harm to the Police.

Just keep in mind you are only hearing his side of the story. If it is really true about her cutting herself then you should make your WH call a professional to help her or even take the initiative on your own otherwise you will have this constant drama in your life. Your WH can not help her - he has probably caused more harm then good to her.

Betty --

Its extremely likely that your husband is lying to you.(about the cutting)

I don't doubt that he wants you and wants to come home.
However he wants to do that and still have a girlfriend.

Have you read the articles and strategies here?

I suggest a rapid Plan A. A couple weeks of trying to meet all of his emotional needs. The way you did when the two of you first fell in love. What needs do you think his girlfriend is meeting?

Then the contrast of Plan B. He gets NONE of you. He has to understand that having both a wife and a girlfriend is not a way of life, and if he doesn't get his act together QUICKLY only the girlfriend will be an option...

Welcome to MB.

Your H's affair with the OW (other woman) is doing her more harm than good:

Even though it is possible that a self-inflicted injury may result in death, self-injury is usually not suicidal behavior. The person who self-injures may not recognize the connection, but this act usually occurs after an overwhelming or distressing experience and is a result of not having learned how to identify or express difficult feelings in a healthy way. Sometimes the person who deliberately harms themselves thinks that if they feel the pain on the outside instead of feeling it on the inside, the injuries will be seen, which then perhaps gives them a fighting chance to heal. They may also believe that the wounds, which are now physical evidence, proves their emotional pain is real. Although the physical pain they experience may be the catalyst that releases the emotional pain, the relief they feel is temporary. These coping mechanisms in essence are faulty because the pain eventually returns without any permanent healing taking place.
Source: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/self_injury.htm

Do you know who the OW is? You need to expose this affair. Exposure is the betrayed spouse's single most effective tool for ending the affair. It usually doesn't end the affair immediately (though sometimes it does), but it will definitely put cracks into the veneer of the affair.

To properly expose the affair, DO NOT tell your WH (wayward husband) that you are going to expose. This is very important, because you don't him to have time to run to friends and family telling them that you're paranoid and making crazy accusations. If he has time to do this, you wont' be taken seriously when you do expose.

Make a list of everyone who has a strong influence on your WH, OW, and your marriage. This list will usually include WH's parents, your parents, OW's parents, OW's spouse or boyfriend, the CEO and HR manager if they work together, pastors or preachers, close friends, and your children. Go down the list and call them, visit them, or email them. Tell them "WH is having an affair with OW. I'm dedicated to repairing our relationship and having an even better M than before. I'd really appreciate your support of WH, our M, and me during these difficult times." If it's someone you respect, such as your parents or WH's parents, ask for their advice.

Then read up on Love Busters (LBs) and eliminate them completely from your behavior repertoire.
Read about Emotional Needs (ENs); figure out what your WH's top ENs are and meet them to the very best of your ability.

Keep posting here. The more information you share the more responses you'll get and the more effective the advice will be.

Betty, your H is trying to have his cake and eat it too and is manipulating you. He is having an affair because HE WANTS TO, not because he fears for the well being of his mistress. :RollieEyes: That is ridiculous. How in the world would be in her best interest to have an affair with a married man? That is just ludicrous.

My suggestion would be to go pay a visit to the OW's PARENTS house TODAY and tell them the situation so they can help their daughter. If their DD is that unstable, then scr@wing a married man certainly does not help the situation.

Here's what happens when you don't expose properly and completely, or when you let the waynerd know you're going to expose:

"Also, I told WW I sent an email to her parents that didn't tell them she was having an affair but expressed a major crossroads in our relationship. WW picked up the phone and called her mom to say don't talk to me, I'm psycho, I'm trying to tell people that she's having an affair."

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2193514#Post2193514

I have exposed the affair! His family simply says well you all are seperated so.....I have talked to the other woman well kid and confronted her about my husband wanting to come home and about her cutting issues....she did admit that it was true but refused to believe my husband had ANYTHING else to do with me! I have been trying desperately to meet all his emotional needs and trying not to force him to cut ties with her cuz I know its simply better if he ends this himself! I have thought seriously about plan B but I am so terrified he simply won`t end it period and this will truly be the end which in turn I know if thats the case it wouldn`t work anyway.I have asked him outright why he won`t just tell her he wants to come home and he replied that he has to do this slowly for her well-being and the sake of his job(she has had several outbursts at his work). Thats another thing they will be working in the same store not directly together but several days a week they will see each other from time to time. He will not change jobs(he has worked his way up very high) but still I know I will have issues. Is there really any saving this marriage??????? Also her parents know he`s still married and hes been to their house repeatedly so there`s gonna be no help from them. Plus he is her dad`s boss! I need HELP........PLEASE!!!!

You obviously have not read the articles here about what to do to STOP an affair. What you did was NOT exposure. Exposure is going to the management of the company they work for and telling them that their employees are having an A and are disrupting work because of it. If he gets fired, it's his own fault. Most likely, it will be her that is fired.

Exposure means telling their work; your husband's parents and brothers and sisters (the TRUTH! that he started scr&wing this little girl while he was still at home with you, tried it out for awhile, and decided he wants to have BOTH of you); his best friends; your pastor if applicable. It means telling the little girl's parents and brothers and sisters that he is still married, wants to come home, and is being manipulated by their little girl to stay with her, while he has a wife and kids at home. It doesn't matter if they side with her. What matters is that you bring this sleazy affair out in the open so everyone who matters to the two of them are fully aware of what they are doing.

Quit making excuses and start dialing. Otherwise, you will NEVER get your old husband back.

I took the advice and contacted Walmart about the affair and they said nothing could be done because he is not on salary!!! Therefore I am back to square 1. Any other ideas???
Thanks!

ok, did you go to her parents house and expose the affair?

I have NO CLUE were they live or even how to find out! When I called this girl at work to tell her about my husband wanting to come home her mother threatened me with a restraining order when I did nothing more than try to tell her what he`s telling me! They already think I am a desperate wife who will stop at nothing to get her husband back so I do not see how they will be of ANY help! Plus I have no clue what he`s told them either so..........I am SURE they would simply refuse to talk to me or call the cops!

Have you spoken to her mother? Have you tried to find their address? it shouldn't be that hard.

This is a typical manipulation tool used by OW to try to hold onto an affair partner. OW in our sitch used suicide.

And I agree that your H is just cake-eating. Re-expose however you can and if you can't (or it doesn't do any good), go to Plan B. Then your H can be stuck with the "cutter". That should clear his fog pretty quickly...it did for my H.

Who wants to be stuck with someone that depressed and desperate? Not many people...

P.S. your husband's excuse sucks rocks...if he was that worried about it, the police or a suicide prevention hotline would be much better suited to handle a "cutter" than a married man who is banging a 19-year-old.

Yes. You find the name and address for the person in charge of Walmart for your whole city; you find the name/address for the person in charge of your region; and you find the name/address for the Human Resources head for Walmart, and you send certified letters (that they have to sign for) to all three of them and let them know you are looking at hiring an attorney to see what can be done about Walmart allowing it to go in inside their stores. They'll do something.

In all reality here, doesn`t it all come down to him realizing he wants to come home bad enough to end all this himself(which he continually tells me he does and wants his old life back so bad) and there`s not a doubt in his mind that I am what he wants NOT her. He says he just has to do this slowly and that he`s already barely talking to her and not even seeing her outside of work. Will this ever really work if he continues to work there? And basically I just have to either choose to put up with this or walk away? I love this man so much but I am so emotionally drained. I`m not sure how much longer I can continue!!! I am severely depressed as it is and have to keep my household running smoothly with 3 small boys! I feel like I am losing it! I really appreciate everyone`s responses and look so forward to reading more! I feel so ALONE!

He cannot work with OW or have any contact of any kind with her.

He is cake-eating Betty.

So do I basically walk away and cut off all contact??? Honestly this will kill me! Any advice how to get through this...if this is what I MUST do?????

Well what you are currently doing is not working.

What you are currently doing is driving yourself INSANE. This is why Dr Harley recommends only a short Plan A for women - a few weeks - and you have been trying for 5 months.

Yes I think you should be planning for Plan B.

You have to decide hubby cannot have both you and a girlfriend. Certainly your marriage will not/can not recover if he has contact with this girl.