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#2193058 01/14/09 11:19 AM
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My H is finally opening up and talking to me about his Emotional Needs. Before he kept saying...I don't know what I want...and I don't know what I need. Last night he told me that, he feels unappreciated, I'm often in a bad mood and have been for years, I used to rarely kiss him, I had stopped doing a lot of intimate things with him,( besides sex), we had nothing else, we would cuddle a couple night a week but that is it. So NOW I can make a change! Now we cuddle and talk and share our total selves with one another! Now I openly flirt with him and now I kiss him!

"This morning he looked at me and said, I know what else I want..." " I want you to hold my hand, in public, and I want you to "hang all over me...like you used to". I know he has not felt wanted by me in a long time...and I feel truly sorry about that. Especially since he went out and found that in someone else.

He has also been SLOWLY opening up to the REAL truth! As some of you may know, my husband has bipolar disorder type 2. He also tends to fabricate A LOT! So yesterday he finally admitted that he slept with her twice. Once the week before Thanksgiving and the second times was the day before Thanksgiving. This kills me inside...since the first time he said he was going to see his psych...and I honestly believed he had. He came home with 2 different bouqets of flowers and apologized for past wrong doings. But never mentioned he had been with her ALL AFTERNOON IN BED! I honestly thought he saw his psych...he came home and said, they upped my dosage on my medication, and I told him this and that BLAH BLAH! Damn that was good!!

But the second time he messed up!! He disappeared from work, and didn't tell me a thing! I had to call his office and the lady told me where he " said he would be". He was gone for over 4 hours! I called and text him frantically! He never ...responded! I don't get why he did it a second time if the first time..he had a break down afterward!

He blames himself and can barely speak about this...but at the same time..has not made his official apology. He tells me he hates her, and that she is nothing like me, he said it was "just sex," and it was wrong and he is disgusted with himself. But how can I prevent this from happening...do u think if I fulfill his every need it will be enough to keep him as MINE forever!?


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Ah, wouldn't it be nice if we could be perfect? If we could get guarantees?

There is precious little in life that can be guaranteed.

You can't make his choices. You can't 'keep' him as if he is a possession.

However, you can strive to meet his needs - something it seems as which you haven't been doing.

And that effort may well pay off. However, no one here can guarantee that you can 'keep' him. That is - unless you cage him.

cinderella #2193095 01/14/09 11:51 AM
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Originally Posted by cinderella
Ah, wouldn't it be nice if we could be perfect? If we could get guarantees?

There is precious little in life that can be guaranteed.

You can't make his choices. You can't 'keep' him as if he is a possession.

However, you can strive to meet his needs - something it seems as which you haven't been doing.

And that effort may well pay off. However, no one here can guarantee that you can 'keep' him. That is - unless you cage him.

IO would luv if I could cage him up and keep him! The thing is... he does not want this other girl...but the first time he said he would leave her alone... he did not. I just feel so hopeless at times, like their is no guarantee he wont see her.


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There are no guarantees.

Would he be happy caged? Would he come to hate you for caging him?

But, if he commits to no contact, if he follows a good treatment plan, if you build your marriage together, the odds that he will choose to stay with you and that you will choose to stay with him will greatly increase.

cinderella #2193137 01/14/09 12:18 PM
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Originally Posted by cinderella
There are no guarantees.

Would he be happy caged? Would he come to hate you for caging him?

But, if he commits to no contact, if he follows a good treatment plan, if you build your marriage together, the odds that he will choose to stay with you and that you will choose to stay with him will greatly increase.

Yes, he would hate the cage... I had built a cage for him a couple of months ago... a cage in which I checked all of his emails, phone call records...and everything else in between...and of course you know what happened during that time!! We are trying to darn hard now to make peace with ourselves and build a happy marriage.


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Originally Posted by fabulous_woman
My H is finally opening up and talking to me about his Emotional Needs. Before he kept saying...I don't know what I want...and I don't know what I need. Last night he told me that, he feels unappreciated, I'm often in a bad mood and have been for years, I used to rarely kiss him, I had stopped doing a lot of intimate things with him,( besides sex), we had nothing else, we would cuddle a couple night a week but that is it. So NOW I can make a change! Now we cuddle and talk and share our total selves with one another! Now I openly flirt with him and now I kiss him!

"This morning he looked at me and said, I know what else I want..." " I want you to hold my hand, in public, and I want you to "hang all over me...like you used to". I know he has not felt wanted by me in a long time...and I feel truly sorry about that. Especially since he went out and found that in someone else.

Hello FW - Couldn't help but read this and think this is exactly what I wanted from my WW but for some reason she just wouldn't do it. From some of your earlier posts it sounds like sex was a big part of your M. I think sometimes relying on sex especially when it comes to fantasies and the such can make you less intimate even though you think by sharing this stuff you are becoming closer. I speak from personal experience.

Fortunately I can say after the A my WW and I have becoming more intimate with each other and she has started to want to kiss me and just be affectionate. Most likely due to us meeting each others EN more which we really weren't (and going out on a limb and guessing you and your H weren't either) during and before the A.





BH - me. 35
WW - 31
DD - 3
DD - 4
DS - 7
Married 9 years
D-date - 9/12/2008
EA - ~9/06-9/08
PA - 9/07-9/08
NC #1 - 9/15/2008
Broken a couple of times
NC #2 - 11/8/2008 - Hopefully the last time
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I still see you focused on his part of the affair, and saying little about your part in the affair, and the fact you even began the whole mess.

As long as you are focused primarily on his part of the equation, you will never recover from this.

Also, it might be less confusing if you stick to your original thread. Someone just stumbling on this one may not realize this was a woman you were sleeping with, and invited into your marital bed. That fact may change some of the advice on how to move forward.

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Originally Posted by fabulous_woman
My H is finally opening up and talking to me about his Emotional Needs. Before he kept saying...I don't know what I want...and I don't know what I need. Last night he told me that, he feels unappreciated, I'm often in a bad mood and have been for years, I used to rarely kiss him, I had stopped doing a lot of intimate things with him,( besides sex), we had nothing else, we would cuddle a couple night a week but that is it. So NOW I can make a change! Now we cuddle and talk and share our total selves with one another! Now I openly flirt with him and now I kiss him!

This is good to hear. I know where you are coming from with everything you have written. I was very irresponsible with my wife, especially when it came to the fantasies... I have a certain amount of culpability in her actions. I did confront her though and she did own up to the fact that SHE made the choice to go outside the marriage. I needed her to accept that and not just blame me for everything.


WH - 44
FWW - 50
Married - 2005
d-day - 12/4/2008
NC since 12/13/2008
Her d-day 4/22/2009
Divorcing.
roybatty #2193798 01/15/09 01:06 PM
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Is your husband currently medicated FW? I gotta tell ya that if not, all the marital advice in the world will not help you...Living with an unmedicated person that has Bipolar Disorder is a recipe for rollercoaster style crazy living...period...

Mrs. W


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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Originally Posted by MrsWondering
Is your husband currently medicated FW? I gotta tell ya that if not, all the marital advice in the world will not help you...Living with an unmedicated person that has Bipolar Disorder is a recipe for rollercoaster style crazy living...period...

Mrs. W

He is currently unmedicated. However he has an appointment with his Psych on the 23rd. Today we spoke with a MC, she really touched on the importance of him taking care of himself. Esepcially with the medication and therapy.


Married for 4 years...things can only go up from here.
keepitreal #2194332 01/16/09 09:37 AM
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Originally Posted by keepitreal
I still see you focused on his part of the affair, and saying little about your part in the affair, and the fact you even began the whole mess.

As long as you are focused primarily on his part of the equation, you will never recover from this.

Also, it might be less confusing if you stick to your original thread. Someone just stumbling on this one may not realize this was a woman you were sleeping with, and invited into your marital bed. That fact may change some of the advice on how to move forward.

I already said my part...there is nothing more to say. Oh and to clear things up for you, I did not sleep with her before the THREESOME! I ended this bullsh1t back in the very beginning of October. It only happened a couple of times and I very much so regret it. However, my husband TOLD ME HE ENDED IT...TWICE. AND DID NOT!!! The girl fell in love with him... and he was not getting his EN met by me...and kept running towards her. However, he never intended on leaving me. I have a feeling this FINALLY ENDED BECAUSE, ONE she wanted more and 2 he felt guilty. Like I said, this stopped being about me MONTHS AGO! SO think whatever you want.

Last edited by fabulous_woman; 01/16/09 09:39 AM.

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Originally Posted by fabulous_woman
[

I already said my part...there is nothing more to say. Oh and to clear things up for you, I did not sleep with her before the THREESOME! I ended this bullsh1t back in the very beginning of October. It only happened a couple of times and I very much so regret it. However, my husband TOLD ME HE ENDED IT...TWICE. AND DID NOT!!! The girl fell in love with him... and he was not getting his EN met by me...and kept running towards her. However, he never intended on leaving me. I have a feeling this FINALLY ENDED BECAUSE, ONE she wanted more and 2 he felt guilty. Like I said, this stopped being about me MONTHS AGO! SO think whatever you want.

How do you and he view the M going forward? It is clear to him that you want to monogamous for the rest of the M? This may not be so easy for him to accept now that you let the proverbial 'cat out of the bag'. Does he think because you let him sleep with her before that there are no real repercussions (like you divorcing him) if he continues to do it? Do you have clear boundaries in place?

I think if are open and honest with each other that you only want to be intimate with each other in your M and you both make efforts to meet each other EN's then you be on the path to recovery.



BH - me. 35
WW - 31
DD - 3
DD - 4
DS - 7
Married 9 years
D-date - 9/12/2008
EA - ~9/06-9/08
PA - 9/07-9/08
NC #1 - 9/15/2008
Broken a couple of times
NC #2 - 11/8/2008 - Hopefully the last time
In recovery....but not easy
Upside_Down #2194395 01/16/09 10:51 AM
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Originally Posted by Upside_Down
Originally Posted by fabulous_woman
[

I already said my part...there is nothing more to say. Oh and to clear things up for you, I did not sleep with her before the THREESOME! I ended this bullsh1t back in the very beginning of October. It only happened a couple of times and I very much so regret it. However, my husband TOLD ME HE ENDED IT...TWICE. AND DID NOT!!! The girl fell in love with him... and he was not getting his EN met by me...and kept running towards her. However, he never intended on leaving me. I have a feeling this FINALLY ENDED BECAUSE, ONE she wanted more and 2 he felt guilty. Like I said, this stopped being about me MONTHS AGO! SO think whatever you want.

How do you and he view the M going forward? It is clear to him that you want to monogamous for the rest of the M? This may not be so easy for him to accept now that you let the proverbial 'cat out of the bag'. Does he think because you let him sleep with her before that there are no real repercussions (like you divorcing him) if he continues to do it? Do you have clear boundaries in place?

I think if are open and honest with each other that you only want to be intimate with each other in your M and you both make efforts to meet each other EN's then you be on the path to recovery.

It has been made Crystal Clear that I never ever wish to bring anyone in AGAIN! I know back in October he was very upset with me for ending this. He kept saying, " your just pmsing and you will get over this". I then said, yes, " maybe I am pmsing... but I AM NOT GOING TO CHANGE MY MIND!" I never did, and he got so mad at me....that one night he threw his cell phone against the wall. I really hope he does not think that there will be no repercussions for him sleeping with her. I told him the other night, that I do not feel like I have given him any consequences for him sleeping with her behind my back. He had no response to that, the only consequences he is having is the constant pain that he puts himself in knowing that he betrayed me. I am glad he FINALLY ADMITTED IT! I know it must have been very hard! I approached the situation like this... I told him if he told me the truth..that I would gain a little respect for him. So finally he admitted it..and could barely talk about. SO I asked him, "how it was"? He of course gave me the usual," SHE IS NOTHING LIKE YOU"! It's funny when I saw her with him she laid there like a hunk of meat! So I asked" was she like that when she was alone with you??" He said yep! I thought she was just putting on a show for me...trying to get me to think that she was not enjoying it". I have never in my life... seen someone lay there like a blow up doll during sex. It makes me chuckle inside!

We are doing the EN needs right now. He has been giving me what I want. I have also been giving him what he wants.

So now we are VERY OPEN AND HONEST ABOUT EVERYTHING!! I don't want a divorce!!

Last edited by fabulous_woman; 01/16/09 10:53 AM.

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Originally Posted by fabulous_woman
Originally Posted by keepitreal
I still see you focused on his part of the affair, and saying little about your part in the affair, and the fact you even began the whole mess.

As long as you are focused primarily on his part of the equation, you will never recover from this.

Also, it might be less confusing if you stick to your original thread. Someone just stumbling on this one may not realize this was a woman you were sleeping with, and invited into your marital bed. That fact may change some of the advice on how to move forward.

I already said my part...there is nothing more to say. Oh and to clear things up for you, I did not sleep with her before the THREESOME! I ended this bullsh1t back in the very beginning of October. It only happened a couple of times and I very much so regret it. However, my husband TOLD ME HE ENDED IT...TWICE. AND DID NOT!!! The girl fell in love with him... and he was not getting his EN met by me...and kept running towards her. However, he never intended on leaving me. I have a feeling this FINALLY ENDED BECAUSE, ONE she wanted more and 2 he felt guilty. Like I said, this stopped being about me MONTHS AGO! SO think whatever you want.

You can say all you want that "this quite being about you a long time ago" but it is just not true. It is still about all parties involved.

Let's say you've always wanted to rob a pharmacy and you discuss this longtime fantasy with hubby who thinks it sounds like fun. So you hop in your car, he jumps in the passenger seat, and off you go. However after you get your drugs and get stoned, you have a bad reaction and a terrible hangover. Hubby, on the other hand, continues taking the ill-gotten gains and the high feels pretty good to him.
Do you think if the cops show up to arrest you for the crime you can tell them "This stopped being about me a long time ago; I'm not even getting high any more." Do you think they will still hold you equally responsbile for the pharmacy heist?

Also keep in mind, saying you didn't sleep with her alone does not negate the fact you began the affair. You already told us you had wanted to do this for a long time, so you found someone and you began to flirt with her, as means to an end. Adultery does not begin with the first act of sex. It begins with the thoughts, the flirting and planning and grooming of the adultery partner. Just because it stopped being fun for you does not change that fact.

You may think I am just beating up on you for kicks, but that's not true. You can never get past this until you admit to yourself fully that this IS still about you. You have a long road ahead of you, and you may or may not ever recover, but you cannot escape the fact you started this of your own free will and only decided to end it when you lost control of the situation. You do not like the monster you created, but you will not recover while trying to fool yourself.

I am sorry that there are (at least) three adults being terribly damaged by something you thought would be a fun game. I am even more sorry that innocent little children are having their lives damaged by this adultery.

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Originally Posted by keepitreal
Originally Posted by fabulous_woman
Originally Posted by keepitreal
I still see you focused on his part of the affair, and saying little about your part in the affair, and the fact you even began the whole mess.

As long as you are focused primarily on his part of the equation, you will never recover from this.

Also, it might be less confusing if you stick to your original thread. Someone just stumbling on this one may not realize this was a woman you were sleeping with, and invited into your marital bed. That fact may change some of the advice on how to move forward.

I already said my part...there is nothing more to say. Oh and to clear things up for you, I did not sleep with her before the THREESOME! I ended this bullsh1t back in the very beginning of October. It only happened a couple of times and I very much so regret it. However, my husband TOLD ME HE ENDED IT...TWICE. AND DID NOT!!! The girl fell in love with him... and he was not getting his EN met by me...and kept running towards her. However, he never intended on leaving me. I have a feeling this FINALLY ENDED BECAUSE, ONE she wanted more and 2 he felt guilty. Like I said, this stopped being about me MONTHS AGO! SO think whatever you want.

You can say all you want that "this quite being about you a long time ago" but it is just not true. It is still about all parties involved.

Let's say you've always wanted to rob a pharmacy and you discuss this longtime fantasy with hubby who thinks it sounds like fun. So you hop in your car, he jumps in the passenger seat, and off you go. However after you get your drugs and get stoned, you have a bad reaction and a terrible hangover. Hubby, on the other hand, continues taking the ill-gotten gains and the high feels pretty good to him.
Do you think if the cops show up to arrest you for the crime you can tell them "This stopped being about me a long time ago; I'm not even getting high any more." Do you think they will still hold you equally responsbile for the pharmacy heist?

Also keep in mind, saying you didn't sleep with her alone does not negate the fact you began the affair. You already told us you had wanted to do this for a long time, so you found someone and you began to flirt with her, as means to an end. Adultery does not begin with the first act of sex. It begins with the thoughts, the flirting and planning and grooming of the adultery partner. Just because it stopped being fun for you does not change that fact.

You may think I am just beating up on you for kicks, but that's not true. You can never get past this until you admit to yourself fully that this IS still about you. You have a long road ahead of you, and you may or may not ever recover, but you cannot escape the fact you started this of your own free will and only decided to end it when you lost control of the situation. You do not like the monster you created, but you will not recover while trying to fool yourself.

I am sorry that there are (at least) three adults being terribly damaged by something you thought would be a fun game. I am even more sorry that innocent little children are having their lives damaged by this adultery.

I have already taken complete responsibility...for starting this. Also for problems that exist in my marriage. My children are way to young to even know what is going on. Also the other female is( very childish). I feel sorry for her. Sometimes I feel like I am the only grown up...because, I have covered every aspect of this problem....from problems with our relationship, myself, him and her. I may have started this long ago....but I also ended it. The other two decided to keep on going without my knowledge. I already take responsibility...and have ACCEPTED IT! I am moving forward now.


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Originally Posted by fabulous_woman
I have already taken complete responsibility...for starting this. Also for problems that exist in my marriage. My children are way to young to even know what is going on. Also the other female is( very childish). I feel sorry for her. Sometimes I feel like I am the only grown up...because, I have covered every aspect of this problem....from problems with our relationship, myself, him and her. I may have started this long ago....but I also ended it. The other two decided to keep on going without my knowledge. I already take responsibility...and have ACCEPTED IT! I am moving forward now.

You know I think your scenario is a little different then some of the other people on here. In a sense you probably had the threesome because you thought it was a way to bring yourself closer to your H. A fantasy to fulfill for your H and therefore make him happy and a result make you happy. I'm not arguing right or wrong - I think we can all agree that it was wrong based on the outcome. I doubt that you said to yourself I really want to cheat on my H with this OW. And I'm pretty sure most of the guys on here have thought about this fantasy at one point in their lives. If you haven't then I apologize you are truly better then me. But how many wife's or GF would actual agree to it? And this is the reason fantasies should stay fantasies. Because the reality of it will never be as good as the fantasy.

It also starts a slippery slope that removes all normal boundaries. I'm sure your H rationalized sneaking behind your back and sleeping with her by saying 'well she let me do it already so she can't won't get that mad'. And that's the problem with making fantasies reality - it's like eating potato chips - once you start you can't stop. Maybe for some people it work out but I'm guessing for the majority it ends up badly because they keep seeking to do more and more crazy things until someone gets hurt. And its very hard for a guy once a W has said sure this is ok with me to then take it back.

I'm guessing something was lacking in your M that made you and your H seek this out - maybe real intimacy. Maybe this was a way of trying to find it - albeit it in an unhealthy way. I think if you had a strong M prior to this and you can get your H to recommit to you because he wants to (not because you are forcing him to) then you have a chance to work on the real issues in your M. Like why you don't want to be affectionate with your H.



BH - me. 35
WW - 31
DD - 3
DD - 4
DS - 7
Married 9 years
D-date - 9/12/2008
EA - ~9/06-9/08
PA - 9/07-9/08
NC #1 - 9/15/2008
Broken a couple of times
NC #2 - 11/8/2008 - Hopefully the last time
In recovery....but not easy
Upside_Down #2194598 01/16/09 03:15 PM
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Originally Posted by Upside_Down
Originally Posted by fabulous_woman
I have already taken complete responsibility...for starting this. Also for problems that exist in my marriage. My children are way to young to even know what is going on. Also the other female is( very childish). I feel sorry for her. Sometimes I feel like I am the only grown up...because, I have covered every aspect of this problem....from problems with our relationship, myself, him and her. I may have started this long ago....but I also ended it. The other two decided to keep on going without my knowledge. I already take responsibility...and have ACCEPTED IT! I am moving forward now.

You know I think your scenario is a little different then some of the other people on here. In a sense you probably had the threesome because you thought it was a way to bring yourself closer to your H. A fantasy to fulfill for your H and therefore make him happy and a result make you happy. I'm not arguing right or wrong - I think we can all agree that it was wrong based on the outcome. I doubt that you said to yourself I really want to cheat on my H with this OW. And I'm pretty sure most of the guys on here have thought about this fantasy at one point in their lives. If you haven't then I apologize you are truly better then me. But how many wife's or GF would actual agree to it? And this is the reason fantasies should stay fantasies. Because the reality of it will never be as good as the fantasy.

It also starts a slippery slope that removes all normal boundaries. I'm sure your H rationalized sneaking behind your back and sleeping with her by saying 'well she let me do it already so she can't won't get that mad'. And that's the problem with making fantasies reality - it's like eating potato chips - once you start you can't stop. Maybe for some people it work out but I'm guessing for the majority it ends up badly because they keep seeking to do more and more crazy things until someone gets hurt. And its very hard for a guy once a W has said sure this is ok with me to then take it back.

I'm guessing something was lacking in your M that made you and your H seek this out - maybe real intimacy. Maybe this was a way of trying to find it - albeit it in an unhealthy way. I think if you had a strong M prior to this and you can get your H to recommit to you because he wants to (not because you are forcing him to) then you have a chance to work on the real issues in your M. Like why you don't want to be affectionate with your H.

What happened is this, my husband was a virgin before he met me. I know this has always killed him since, he never got a chance to date much. He is also a very sexually charged male.
I had a couple of partners prior to meeting him. I had also been curious since my young teenage years as to what a girl would be like. So I met a girl at school, we became friends...and I knew she was bisexual. I spoke to my husband about my curiosity and he totally pushed me on her! He would even ASK me to invite her over to hang out. I mean he really wanted me to pursue this girl. So I had the "brilliant idea"(sarcasm). Of inviting her to join us..he of course said," no honey...I just want to watch you?" The night it finally happened...he brought it up to her...he had been drinking and so had she..and he told her. That we had spoken about it..then me..being in the heat of the moment.... Decided that I needed him then and there! She said she would watch...and of course...that gave us the go ahead basically to "take advantage of her". It all went fine...but instantly he wanted to be" friends with her". She then started messaging him and I all day everyday. It carried on for another two weeks until. One day she said... how close she feels to us...and how she cant sleep at night because, she CONSTANTLY THINKS ABOUT US!

I then freaked out and stopped it IMMEDIATELY! Of course my husband was upset...and I strongly expressed to the two of them that this is wrong!!!! I'm sorry this ever happened...i'm sorry I ever wanted to do this!! I can't anymore... so I made my husband stop talking to her...but he of course never stopped until 2 1/2 -3 months later. I had many many break downs since then. These past 3 months have been a living hell for us! He developed a strong emotional connection with her...that he was lacking with me! Being that this is the second girl he had ever been with...he felt utterly addicted to her. This girl turned out to be quiet the snake indeed. She had recently broken up with her bf..so she was vulnerable and lonely. So my H kept feeding her attention( behind my back). I never really thought our relationship was lacking anything.. until I recently sat down and thought HARD about our relationship. Then I realized all of the EN he was lacking from me and that I was lacking from him. SO to make a lonnnnngggg story some what short. We are now facing our problems...he is taking charge of his addiction to nudity and sex. I am controlling my anger...and working on myself. We are finally getting the counseling that we need. Not only that...we are finally speaking openly about the secrets we have kept inside of us. I don't think my husband rationalized this as...hey she can't get mad at me because, we already had a threesome. He knows damn well it was wrong. He lied about it for months until a couple of days ago. He said he feels like crap and is disgusted with himself.

Last edited by fabulous_woman; 01/16/09 03:45 PM.

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Originally Posted by fabulous_woman
What happened is this, my husband was a virgin before he met me. I know this has always killed him since, he never got a chance to date much. He is also a very sexually charged male.
I had a couple of partners prior to meeting him. I had also been curious since my young teenage years as to what a girl would be like. So I met a girl at school, we became friends...and I knew she was bisexual. I spoke to my husband about my curiosity and he totally pushed me on her! He would even ASK me to invite her over to hang out. I mean he really wanted me to pursue this girl. So I had the "brilliant idea"(sarcasm). Of inviting her to join us..he of course said," no honey...I just want to watch you?" The night it finally happened...he brought it up to her...he had been drinking and so had she..and he told her. That we had spoken about it..then me..being in the heat of the moment.... Decided that I needed him then and there! She said she would watch...and of course...that gave us the go ahead basically to "take advantage of her". It all went fine...but instantly he wanted to be" friends with her". She then started messaging him and I all day everyday. It carried on for another two weeks until. One day she said... how close she feels to us...and how she cant sleep at night because, she CONSTANTLY THINKS ABOUT US!

I then freaked out and stopped it IMMEDIATELY! Of course my husband was upset...and I strongly expressed to the two of them that this is wrong!!!! I'm sorry this ever happened...i'm sorry I ever wanted to do this!! I can't anymore... so I made my husband stop talking to her...but he of course never stopped until 2 1/2 -3 months later. I had many many break downs since then. These past 3 months have been a living hell for us! He developed a strong emotional connection with her...that he was lacking with me! Being that this is the second girl he had ever been with...he felt utterly addicted to her. This girl turned out to be quiet the snake indeed. She had recently broken up with her bf..so she was vulnerable and lonely. So my H kept feeding her attention( behind my back). I never really thought our relationship was lacking anything.. until I recently sat down and thought HARD about our relationship. Then I realized all of the EN he was lacking from me and that I was lacking from him. SO to make a lonnnnngggg story some what short. We are now facing our problems...he is taking charge of his addiction to nudity and sex. I am controlling my anger...and working on myself. We are finally getting the counseling that we need. Not only that...we are finally speaking openly about the secrets we have kept inside of us. I don't think my husband rationalized this as...hey she can't get mad at me because, we already had a threesome. He knows damn well it was wrong. He lied about it for months until a couple of days ago. He said he feels like crap and is disgusted with himself.

I would say the good thing for you is that you stopped it immediately. You realized it was wrong. These kinds of situations are extremely addicting (for both of you) and almost impossible to say no if you still see the other girl on occasion. You may know its wrong but the next time she comes over and you or your H have a few drinks you have a good chance of winding up in a bed wondering why you are doing this. Since she is not a close friend non contact should be easy. And since you got burned from your H with this it should be something you want to enforce for both of you. This way the temptation is removed. This temptation is very powerful. It will cause your H to manipulate you (which it sounds like he already did - I can tell you with 100% certainty he knew what he wanted to do before the 'heat of the moment' happened and was just waiting - or hoping). It really becomes like a drug.

For you as a couple it is extremely important to have clear boundaries going forward - if you even give the slightest inclination that it is OK to flirt or something seemingly innocent with another woman you will probably be back on these boards posting another 'incident'. Its unfortunate that you wound up bringing a girl who seems to be a little emotional unstable. But think about this - how many woman are willing to have threesomes with a M couple in the 1st place? She was probably already very needy to agree to this - using sex to connect emotional with anyone - including you.

Glad to hear you are in counseling - it can really help with the right counselor. Just make sure you are open and honest with the MC. No secrets on what you did or how you feel no matter how seemingly embarrassing. Don't let them judge you - you messed up but are trying to fix things. You are not the only person who has ever done this. And are no worse or better then everyone else on here who has to share their sad stories.



BH - me. 35
WW - 31
DD - 3
DD - 4
DS - 7
Married 9 years
D-date - 9/12/2008
EA - ~9/06-9/08
PA - 9/07-9/08
NC #1 - 9/15/2008
Broken a couple of times
NC #2 - 11/8/2008 - Hopefully the last time
In recovery....but not easy
Upside_Down #2196031 01/19/09 03:37 PM
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Originally Posted by Upside_Down
Originally Posted by fabulous_woman
What happened is this, my husband was a virgin before he met me. I know this has always killed him since, he never got a chance to date much. He is also a very sexually charged male.
I had a couple of partners prior to meeting him. I had also been curious since my young teenage years as to what a girl would be like. So I met a girl at school, we became friends...and I knew she was bisexual. I spoke to my husband about my curiosity and he totally pushed me on her! He would even ASK me to invite her over to hang out. I mean he really wanted me to pursue this girl. So I had the "brilliant idea"(sarcasm). Of inviting her to join us..he of course said," no honey...I just want to watch you?" The night it finally happened...he brought it up to her...he had been drinking and so had she..and he told her. That we had spoken about it..then me..being in the heat of the moment.... Decided that I needed him then and there! She said she would watch...and of course...that gave us the go ahead basically to "take advantage of her". It all went fine...but instantly he wanted to be" friends with her". She then started messaging him and I all day everyday. It carried on for another two weeks until. One day she said... how close she feels to us...and how she cant sleep at night because, she CONSTANTLY THINKS ABOUT US!

I then freaked out and stopped it IMMEDIATELY! Of course my husband was upset...and I strongly expressed to the two of them that this is wrong!!!! I'm sorry this ever happened...i'm sorry I ever wanted to do this!! I can't anymore... so I made my husband stop talking to her...but he of course never stopped until 2 1/2 -3 months later. I had many many break downs since then. These past 3 months have been a living hell for us! He developed a strong emotional connection with her...that he was lacking with me! Being that this is the second girl he had ever been with...he felt utterly addicted to her. This girl turned out to be quiet the snake indeed. She had recently broken up with her bf..so she was vulnerable and lonely. So my H kept feeding her attention( behind my back). I never really thought our relationship was lacking anything.. until I recently sat down and thought HARD about our relationship. Then I realized all of the EN he was lacking from me and that I was lacking from him. SO to make a lonnnnngggg story some what short. We are now facing our problems...he is taking charge of his addiction to nudity and sex. I am controlling my anger...and working on myself. We are finally getting the counseling that we need. Not only that...we are finally speaking openly about the secrets we have kept inside of us. I don't think my husband rationalized this as...hey she can't get mad at me because, we already had a threesome. He knows damn well it was wrong. He lied about it for months until a couple of days ago. He said he feels like crap and is disgusted with himself.

I would say the good thing for you is that you stopped it immediately. You realized it was wrong. These kinds of situations are extremely addicting (for both of you) and almost impossible to say no if you still see the other girl on occasion. You may know its wrong but the next time she comes over and you or your H have a few drinks you have a good chance of winding up in a bed wondering why you are doing this. Since she is not a close friend non contact should be easy. And since you got burned from your H with this it should be something you want to enforce for both of you. This way the temptation is removed. This temptation is very powerful. It will cause your H to manipulate you (which it sounds like he already did - I can tell you with 100% certainty he knew what he wanted to do before the 'heat of the moment' happened and was just waiting - or hoping). It really becomes like a drug.

For you as a couple it is extremely important to have clear boundaries going forward - if you even give the slightest inclination that it is OK to flirt or something seemingly innocent with another woman you will probably be back on these boards posting another 'incident'. Its unfortunate that you wound up bringing a girl who seems to be a little emotional unstable. But think about this - how many woman are willing to have threesomes with a M couple in the 1st place? She was probably already very needy to agree to this - using sex to connect emotional with anyone - including you.

Glad to hear you are in counseling - it can really help with the right counselor. Just make sure you are open and honest with the MC. No secrets on what you did or how you feel no matter how seemingly embarrassing. Don't let them judge you - you messed up but are trying to fix things. You are not the only person who has ever done this. And are no worse or better then everyone else on here who has to share their sad stories.

I have not seen this girl since October...he has also not seen her since the first week of December. This will never happen again...flirting, nude photos and pornography are also VERY VERY LIMITED FOR HIM! She is no longer in my life and hopefully no longer in his.

I heard from a friend that OW was actively looking for another man or woman or even couple, to be sexual with. Around the same time that she was sleeping with my husband behind my back. So needless to say.. she will get attention from anyone that is willing to give it to her. It just makes me really upset that my H decided it was a good idea to keep sleeping with her knowing what a snake she really is. I have asked him why several times, he says...he thought he had feelings for her, but realized shortly after seeing her that he did not feel anything towards her. So everything for him became completely sexual! It more or less became an obsession with her since she was the second sexual partner that he has ever had. For me this makes a little sense...but he has told me that not even the sex was worth it. She just laid in bed like a blow up doll and let him have his way.

Last edited by fabulous_woman; 01/19/09 03:45 PM.

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FW,

sleeping with her knowing what a snake she really is.

I don't know that she is a snake as you say or just a less attractive person who feels she has to put out for people to accept her.

People I know have told me the same story as you have of picking a not so good looking person for a threesome and then expecting to dispose of that person afterward. One couple even has an agreement that the girl has to be less hot than either one of them.

You should treat her with some compassion since you set the stage for this drama. What kind of person did you think would agree to violate both partners in a marriage.

God Bless
NJ

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