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Joined: May 2008
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Well,

It’s been awhile friends. As of 20 November I was given strong advice to go to Plan B. I will put this in 2 posts to try to keep you from drooling and falling asleep…

My story is here and it’s long and sordid:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2154829&fpart=1

Short version: I guess like so many others I had a pit in my stomach OCT 07, wife showing all signs of cheating but denying. Shuts me out of her life, partying with younger friends, I find all sorts of incriminating evidence, and then bluff my way into getting her to admit that indeed she had been sleeping with a friend of mine since I was recalled to the Navy and moved to Washington DC. She shows remorse for a few hours and then refuses NC letter and I confront the OM, Charlie. He freaks and then my WW freaks and won’t speak to me for days she is so livid.

I continued plan A like I had been doing for basically 8 months for another 4-5 months, but it’s wearing me out. I lose weight, blood pressure skyrockets and had to go on meds etc. etc. WW says “it’s over, but doesn’t know what she wants.”

Well, by 15 November I guess folks on this board could tell I was reaching the end of my rope for plan A. I decide to go to thanksgiving with WW’s family though for 1 last attempt.

Update and question:

I go to the beach and WW and her sister and family are all there, we rent a house. Big families get together. WW is super sweet, tells me “we are in there” bedroom (we haven’t slept in the same bed in 8 months) and is wearing her wedding rings for first time in a long time. We have 3 great days, no R talk, just fun and flirting, very nice but odd. I am suspicious the whole time she is putting on a show for her family.

I get back to DC and the following week WW is asking about having my dad over for Christmas Eve, she wants to cook a big dinner. I tell her great and I call my Dad to invite him. I was feeling encouraged. A week later she calls me while I am hitting some golf balls and we talk a bit about Christmas Eve whereupon she says, “How about if we just come over to you and your dad’s that night and I’ll cook there?”

Needless to say I feel like I have been punched in the gut. I said, “What do you mean come over to me and dads?” She said, “Well that’s where I assumed you were staying.”

I said, “I had intended to stay in my own house.” She said, “Oh. Well we hadn’t talked about that…I don’t know.” I asked, “When did this change? When did you decide I needed to start staying elsewhere again?” She mumbled some blah, blah etc.

I told her that I was a fool. I told her that I had thought we had gotten along so well over Thanksgiving and had been talking so well that things might be improving but I guess not. I resolved then and there that I was done. I did not take her calls for a week (she freaks out calling me like 10 times a day, texting etc.) and decided I may as well stay at dad’s house since I wasn’t going to try to repair my M.

Christmas Eve WW and kids (DD 15 and DS 12) are already there when I pull in and WW is dressed up and wearing her rings. She cooks a great dinner and we have a good time and then she and the kids leave. I spent about 10 days at home, never saw WW much but had the kids with me the entire time. I also made an appointment to see IC.

I sort of recapped the last few months with IC (she was also MC for 1 session with WW and me) and she said, “SWW, I can tell how hard you have tried, you will always be able to know and tell your kids that you did everything you could to save your M, but now I think it’s time we take some action. Small steps beget bigger steps as we move forward.”

“If WW refuses to discuss the M or make any type of plans with you, she is continuing to ignore you and goes out all the time with this group of younger friends etc. then it is time you talk to your attorney and seek the D. It’s not over til it’s over but you can’t keep living in this nightmare.”

I told her I had been reading up on Borderline Personality Disorder and…she smiled, closed her eyes and lowered her head. She then pulled open my file and read her notes and said, “I cannot diagnose WW, I have not been treating her, but I have thought since day one that she exhibited a lot of those traits. She knows how to manipulate you and has done so for 19 years it looks to me, and she knows you are a “rescuer” and counts on you not leaving.”

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cont.
I met with WW on my way out of town and we had a talk. I told her that in the absence of any kind of commitment from her and considering how she was treating me I had to move on with my life. I told her that unless she wanted to talk reconciliation, counseling and radical honesty that I did not want to see or hear from her at all unless it involved the kids (Plan B.) She got angry.

“OH! Now I see how it goes! I put up with all your crap for years and now I need some time to think, but NO, it has to be on SWW’s timetable!” Well I am sorry, you know I love you, but I just don’t think I can roll the dice with you again.” “I am not still seeing Charlie at all, but you know how people talk around here, people are now saying I am having an affair with Jaime. It’s all just talk.” I hadn’t even asked if there was OM2.

I left and went into a solid Plan B. No contact unless the kids were involved and then only by email or text. Of course she hounds me for $ pretty much all the time as she has never worked. I was especially livid (probably the angriest I have ever been in my life) when the Treasurer of my country club calls and ask about the $2,800.00 in charges and could I please bring the account up to date. I tell him I will send him a check and to shut down all charging privileges. WW has the stones to be upset that she can’t play on the ladies tennis team now and charge at the tennis shop…

OK, pull out the 2x4’s but I had another bad feeling about this Jaime guy (of course WW has to pick OM’s from families that have been friends with my family for generations.) I decided to investigate cell bill (sorry, I know.)

Anyway there is a cell number that is appearing a lot since breakup of OM1 Charlie. I hack it and see that it is in fact Jaime’s cell, and the calls are at odd times shown below:

date time mins day
30-Mar 12:34 AM 12 SUN
9-May 7:16 PM 14 FRI
10-May 2:10 PM 4 SAT
17-May 8:51 PM 4 SAT
23-Jun 10:16 PM 12 MON
27-Jun 2:22 PM 2 FRI
27-Jun 3:36 PM 33 FRI
18-Jul 11:32 AM 2 FRI
18-Jul 11:39 AM 23 FRI
14-Sep 8:16 PM 6 SUN
14-Sep 9:27 PM 1 SUN
14-Sep 9:34 PM 3 SUN
19-Sep 6:07 PM 5 FRI
20-Sep 9:23 AM 11 SAT
22-Sep 6:51 PM 1 MON
22-Sep 8:04 PM 10 MON
23-Sep 2:47 PM 8 TUE
25-Sep 2:11 PM 13 THUR
1-Oct 8:11 PM 14 WED
1-Oct 10:31 PM 3 WED
8-Oct 7:44 PM 9 WED
17-Oct 9:53 PM 7 FRI
22-Oct 4:38 PM 14 WED
25-Oct 1:45 AM 1 SAT
25-Oct 7:27 PM 1 SAT
25-Oct 7:28 PM 1 SAT
25-Oct 7:29 PM 1 SAT
2-Nov 11:38 AM 2 MON
5-Nov 8:42 PM 6 WED
14-Nov 5:28 PM 6 FRI
14-Nov 5:33 PM 6 FRI
17-Nov 5:17 PM 2 MON
17-Nov 5:15 PM 1 MON
17-Nov 5:16 PM 1 MON
11-Dec 1:09 PM 17 THUR
13-Dec 7:46 PM 8 SAT
14-Dec 5:18 PM 2 SUN
17-Dec 8:43 PM 12 WED
17-Dec 11:13 PM 32 WED
18-Dec 2:07 PM 2 THUR
18-Dec 2:13 PM 22 THUR
18-Dec 11:30 PM 2 THUR
18-Dec 11:44 PM 2 THUR
18-Dec 11:46 PM 11 THUR
19-Dec 4:23 PM 3 FRI


I just found this out a couple of hours ago. I am depressed but I know I shouldn’t be. Not nearly as horrible as the first though as that first DDay had me on my knees vomiting for about 2 months.

Should I just say the hell with it, the M and Plan B and go ahead and file. I know the answer I believe already myself, stay in Plan B and file and if she comes out of the fog and wants to try, the bar needs to be incredibly high.

Whew, that’s it so far. Sorry for the length of this. Had to vent to someone…




Last edited by sickwithworry; 01/18/09 04:57 PM.
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You are actually thinking of giving her any kind of a chance here? With what she has done your whole marriage? What is wrong with you?

All she has to do is cook and wear her rings and you buy her bull hook line and sinker. I feel sorry for you first that you ever met her and second that you put up with her for even a week once you found out what kind of woman she was.

Where are your cojones?

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If you dont' serve her with divorce on the gounds of her many acts of cheating on you, you are insane. Do you see she wants your money to support her partying and cheating and taht is why she does not want a divorce?

Wheres your head, man.

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SWW,

I wondered from time to time where you disappeared to, but was hoping that somehow you had R and working on the M.

SWW, I don't know how to say this to you without hurting your feelings, but your W is a player. She seeks out OM relationships and uses you to bankroll it.

Enough!!!

Plan D and take care of those kids of yours. You and they deserve better than this. You have tried about ten times more with your efforts than I would. I suspect, more than anyone would.

All Blessings,
Jerry

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Originally Posted by shinethrough
SWW,

I wondered from time to time where you disappeared to, but was hoping that somehow you had R and working on the M.

SWW, I don't know how to say this to you without hurting your feelings, but your W is a player. She seeks out OM relationships and uses you to bankroll it.

Enough!!!

Plan D and take care of those kids of yours. You and they deserve better than this. You have tried about ten times more with your efforts than I would. I suspect, more than anyone would.

All Blessings,
Jerry

Yep,

I know. I already knew. I just felt like i had invested so much into this website, the methods no matter how counter-intuitive, books, and the terrific people here that have been so helpful that i would post my situation 1 last time before pulling the trigger.

Thanks for the honesty and you all have never hurt my feelings!

SWW

Last edited by sickwithworry; 01/18/09 06:27 PM.
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You have tried about ten times more with your efforts than I would. I suspect, more than anyone would.

And I am printing this out and saving it for the future. Thank you.

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Borderlines will kill you. They are the most manipulative, dishonest , soul killing folks around, along wit NPDs and ASPDs. You need to get out. You will ide young living with a borderline.


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