First off, about my sitch with my DSS, it is not that his mother asked me to keep him here. In fact, she intially told him that if his father was not here, then he would have to move back with her. However, my DSS refuses to move back in with his stepfather and does not need to switch schools again. That is why I told him he could stay here if he needed to.

My WH and I had a good discussion today. He stated he needs to get some help to straighten his [censored] out. Hmm, really???

We have decided that he will stay here until at least the end of the month.

But I have to confess, I have been very bad at turning off the relationship talk and I think he is feeling very pressured by this. He even said that he doesn't answers for me, especially since he needs help himself. Does anyone have any tips for me about avoiding the relationship talk?? Because I really need it.

However, he did say today that he is going to try to talk to me more about how he is feeling and try be best friends again. He cautioned me not to assume that meant we were going to be able to work things out. I told him that I knew that, but we have nothing to lose at this point. If anything, we would be getting along better and that would be good for the boys either way.

Time to get back under the blanket, it's soooo cold here. My van said it was -22 this morning. Brrrrrr.

Okay everyone, I need some advice and fast.

Guess what? You were all right, I have an OW#2, my so called friend.

So needless to say, I told him that he either man up and start working on our marriage or get out. We previously signed an agreement stating that I would stay here with the kids and he would still pay for the house payment and some support. He is very pissy because I asked for a decision right away. He says that he is done with her, but yet he says he is going to do what he wants. My biggest issue now is that he is saying he is not leaving a house he has paid for. Keep in mind, I have worked the majority of our marriage. Even while I have been at home with the kids, I have been doing some work out of the house, but not very much lately. I want my kids to be able to stay in their house. Help, what do I do?

My husband has depression and I think that is how this cheating all started, looking for something to excite him. I am starting to think he may be bi-polor or something. If fact OW#2 is mentally ill as well. I don't think either one of them cared about the consequences. He really needs to get some help. He says he will, but he keeps putting it off.

Please give me some help here.

Hi abm,

I very sorry to hear this latest news.

abm, I'm not sure why your thread has attracted relatively little attention. I was very drawn to your story when I first posted to you, but I am very inexperienced here and do not feel qualified to give you much advice.

However, I do think that it makes it much easier for posters to make a diagnosis if they have the full picture. Do you remember all the questions I asked about the first affair? Well, I think you need to give the same details about this one. How did you find out about it, what do you know of its lengths and origins, how did it "end" (and why do you believe that it has done?) What is the new OW's situation? Is she married, living with someone, local to your town? Who can you expose to?

Dr Harley recommends that, at the point when your H will not stop the affair (in your WH's case, repeat affairs and the stated intention live as a single man ), and when you feel you cannot live with affair any longer, YOU leave the home and move near to your family. your H has a legal obligation to support you and the children. How practical would this be for you?

If your H also has a mental health issue, Plan A is likely to unsuccessful, however well you apply it. Plan B seems required in your case.

What to Do with an Unfaithful Husband

Letter #3

If he does not respond to your kindness and respectful suggestions within that period of time you're ready for the second step: pack up yourself and your children and move near your family and friends for their support. It should be far away from his lover -- another city or even another state. Have absolutely nothing to do with him. Don't talk to him, don't see him.

If you are forced to say something to him, tell him that you love him and hope he can free himself from the addiction of his affair. Let him know that the only way you will consider restoring your relationship with him, is for him to quit his job and move to where you are. From there you will start life over again. Be certain that your words and tone of voice communicate your care for him, not your anger.

Your husband is not likely to follow you right away after you've given him his ultimatum. He will try to develop a relationship with his lover first. But in the vast majority of cases, it doesn't work out because he needs both you and she. She meets some of his needs and you meet others. He will discover how much he misses you when he is with her.

In the event that he stays with his lover and he does not come back to you, you avoid untold sorrow trying to reach a man who is in love with another woman. As you wait for his decision, it is very important to surround yourself with your family and friends as you go through this crisis. In the end, if he chooses his lover, the experience will be much harder on him than on you.

If he eventually agrees to your terms, you begin the third step, which is to start again with a new commitment to meet each other's needs and avoid Love Busters -- in a new location.
What to do with an unfaithful husband: Letter no.3

Sugarcane, thank you for your response. I am not quite sure either why I am not getting many responses.

As far as leaving my house, I will absolutely not leave my house and the kids shouldn't have to either. Both of our families are in the general area, but only my inlaws live close enough for the boys schools.

However, I did talk to a lawyer today. He said that if I filed a legal seperation, I could ask the courts to remove him from the home within a couple weeks. He also said that the courts will not make my kids leave their home. I have always been their primary caretaker and the courts would not make me leave either unless he filed for custody and won. He said today that he is going to try to get custody of them, but he has no grounds for them not to be with me. Besides, he works overnights, so it isn't even possible for him to have the kids unless he quit his job, but I know he won't.

The lawyer also told me that I should get enough in child and spousal support to pay for the house payment and utilities. So at least I don't have to worry about that.

I think he is just being angry because I busted him again and I "interfered" (as he put it) in his business and she is not talking to him.

My plan is to file for legal separation unless he has a wake up call over the weekend. I will also file the papers to have him removed from the house if he won't leave so I can start plan b.

Maybe some of this, like my standing my ground with him, will finally give him the wake up call he needs. I really wish he would get to a therapist.

Thank you for any advice or support you have for me.

ABM,

I think you have the right plan. File for the legal separation and work towards getting him out of the house. He is making constant withdrawals from your LB. You must preserve what remaining love you have for WH by getting yourself into Plan B.

Best of luck!!

Mindshare

What a rollercoaster ride.....

Well everyone, my WH is in the hospital.

He somehow felt that I was going to take the boys completely away from him and he lost it. I knew he was depressed, but he started making suicide threats repeatedly and to 3 different people. So, I made arrangements with the sherriff's office and they brought him into the hospital. Come to find out, he actually had a gun in his truck with him. Needless to say, he is not very happy with me right now even though he knows he needs help. And he has now admitted that he was thinking about trying to kill himself. I know I did the right thing, but man was it hard. I just had to keep telling myself that him being mad at me was better than him being dead. He even told our youngest he was going to miss him.

I am sure they are going to hold him for at least 3 days, but he doesnt even know that yet. He is going to be furious. I will have to call his work and close the store (unless I can find a sitter to cover it myself).

I do feel better now knowing that I did the right thing because he really was serious. Let's just hope he is not too stubborn to take the help.

I really believe that his depression is why I am here today. He was depressed and was looking for a temporary high or excitement. Wow..if he would have just talked to me things would be so different right now.

So I went to see my WH today. He is not doing well at all. He says he still would commit suicide if they let him out. Thankfully, that isn't going to happen any time soon.

I have been doing a lot of thinking and am starting to think that maybe this infidelity was caused by his depression. He didn't know how to deal with things, so he sought out excitement with the OW to try to feel less depressed. Who knows, maybe I am way off, but he definitely has not been himself for 2 or 3 years now. However, he would never get help don't matter how many times I tried to get him to. Hopefully once he gets help, my husband will be back to his old self, maybe better since he is finally dealing with lifelong issues.

Any support or advice would be greatly appreciated.

Hi abm,

I'm really sorry that I have been unable to read your thread until now.

I'm very glad you got the legal advice that you did. If you can get him out of the home and ensure financial support from him, that would be excellent.

However, I suppose his breakdown will change your financial position. If he is self-employed, will there be any income while he cannot work? I don't know your social security situation (as I am British); is there any state support that you should start claiming now? I don't think you should simply allow your existing money to run out before you look into this.

I know very little about how the mental health crisis might progress (and, I hope, improve) but it does seem possible that nothing can be done about marital recovery until he is stablised. It might be that your focus should be on his mental health now, and that his affairs can only be dealt with with later, apart from exposure. You did not answer my questions about the new OW, so I have no idea whether there is anyone you can expose to about her.

I do hope that people with knowledge of the health implications will contribute soon.

You said that his son is difficult to deal with when WH is not around. How has his behaviour been lately?

Sugarcane,

We do have our own business, but our main source of income is his full time job which he is in a salary position. So, even if we don't get his full salary, we will get short/longterm disability through his employer.

His mental health is the only focus at this point. I am not even worried about the OW2, because that is completely over. Besides the only reason that even occured is because of his mental status. Plus, I honestly am not even focused on whether we work things out or not at this point. As long as he gets better for the boys, I will be happy with that. Don't get me wrong, I want him to still be my husband. I think that once he deals with his issues (going all the way back to childhood), I might have my old husband back. The one who would have never been unfaithful to begin with. I truly believe his depression was the cause of all this.

As far his my DS, he has been fine so far. I have talked to him and explained to him that I need him to be on his best behavior now. We will see how things go.

I'm very glad to hear that your income is not insecure.

It sounds as if you can take some time to breath now and not have to Plan A or B an active affair.

I still hope that people who have been through a situation similar to yours, with a mental health crisis, will post. Take care.