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Megan76 Offline OP
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Here is a little background.I'm a stay at home mom. DH and I have been married for 8.5 years. There have been ups and downs but we have always come out of the bad times and moved foward. I was diagnosed with Bipolar in 2007. I am more manic than depressed.

My issue is right now I am very manic and when I get this way I will do and say things that are not me at all. It is like an out of body expierience.Since my dx I have learned slowly to be able to tell when I am manic and when I am " normal".

I joined facebook to see if I could find any friends from highschool or college. Well an ex boyfriend found me. He was one of my true loves but I moved to France and things ended. Right now we are only emailing and there was a hint of a possible meeting with other than friendship intentions. He knows I am married. Since I'm very manic right now I find myself wanting to go and meet him and do things that if I were in my right mind I would never do.

There were things that happend between the ex and I that I needed closure for my mental health and that was done today via email so I have no need to talk to him anymore. He does know where I live and has my cell and home #.

Like I said I am very manic right now and I am doing everything in my power to stop this, but I don't know when or if I will slip.

If I tell my husband he will not understand, because he does not understand my bipolar.

My father had an affair and when I am "normal" an affair is not something I would ever consider. It is plain wrong.

I have called my psychiatrist to explain this but I can not get an earlier appointment(to change medication) because this does not constitute an emergency.

I am currently looking for a therapist so I can work on my issues. I also have a spending addiction, but I have learned to controll that and I think I am trading the spending for the sex.

I was wondering if there were any other couples out there that are dealing with this same issue. My husband is somewhat supportive of my biplor but he does not understand it so he can not really help

Thanks in advance and I'm sorry if this post does not fit here.

-Megan


Me:33
DH:40
DS:8
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Sorry you are here again. BPD is a very taxing thing for a marriage. Glad you are still on your meds. Sometimes things aren't perfect. But at least you know the disease.

I'm sorry that hubby doesn't want to know more about BPD, but I think you have to level with him.

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Megan;

Maybe my wife or I already pointed you in this direction but get the book "An Unquiet Mind" by Kay Redfield Jamison. She is a professor of psychiatry at Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine AND is Bipolar herself. Great insight.

Try to be still and quiet your mind if you can. Delete any email account OM can reach you at and cancel your cell phone contract and/or get a new number. Maybe switch phones with your husband. Don't think about it or dwelve on it...just do it.

Mr. Wondering


FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
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"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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Can't help with the bipolar part but... you've thought about having an affair and some would argue that that is just as bad as actually having one- so take steps to prevent it, that means you MUST go NC with the ex! If facebook is where you found each other disconnect... take him off your friends list. Avoid him like the plague for your mental health sake, the sake of your marriage and for your children. You have a ton of reasons why to avoid him. You said you were able to get some closure from things in the past, good. Let it end there! Avoid him avoid him avoid him!!

Best of luck,


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My wife is bp2. We didn't know it until the 14th year of marriage, but I guess the signs were there. There's a decent chance I don't know everything, but her mania is more along the lines of she's always got big plans and never does them. She lives kind of frantically. Then she started going through more or less a midlife crisis and changed dramatically, becoming secretive and pushed me to the side. Now she's on meds and seeing a psych, but she still is rarely present for me and lives in her own world. It's been enough that I often question marrying her.

So all that being said, I may be the wrong person to respond to your post. I don't want to heap guilt on you. I will say that if you intellectually understand the consequences of your actions, be prepared to live with them. You make your own bed.

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Megan76 Offline OP
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Well I told DH tonight that I had meet an ex boyfriend on facebook and that there were some issues between us that I needed closure and that I got that today.I told him that OM was pushing for inappropriate contact. I also told him that OM has all of my contact info and that it would be best if he answered my cell and home phone when he is at home.

We decided instead of changing my cell number that I would foward the home and cell calls to his phone and he would email me if I had a call I needed to return. I don't know OM contact info except email so I won't be answering the phone unless DH or my mom call.

He wanted to take my cell but I reminded him that we have magic jack for home phone and if I needed to call 911 it would be a problem, and he agreed. We live in the country so our neighbors are far.

I emailed OM and told him my DH knows and for him not to contact me anymore. I blocked his email. DH didn't think I needed to change email since I have had the same addy since 1997.

I will be honest I did not tell him that I was interested in the affair, because right now I am feeling normal and the thought of doing something like that sickens me. I know it is wrong not to tell him but I don't want to hurt him and he is not going to understand that it was during a manic phase.

As far as facebook goes, I blocked him. He doesn't contact me that way anyway, but at least it is taken care of.

Anything eles that I am missing?


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Good for you! You've taken many steps to keep your marriage safe. I probably wouldn't have said anything about the thoughts/feelings you were having to your husband either... why ask for trouble, right? ;-)

Next... do lots of reading! Take care of yourself! Keep taking your meds and going to all of your appointments. Read anything you can that will help strengthen your marriage and read up on the bipolar disorder a bit too... not too much, positive information is better ;-)



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My H's FOW is bipolar. After D day, I read some of their back and forth e-mails and it sounds a little similar to your situation. Sounds like this old boyfriend was a bit of a predator and you are vulnerable because of your diagnosis. Unfortunately, my H was the predator in his situation in that he also contacted an old high school girlfriend. Maybe I can give you some help based on my experience with that situation.

You mentioned that you "needed closure". with your old boyfriend for your mental health. I really do not think that you did "need closure". That sounds like the bi polar characteristics to me. I think it would be best if you signed off of face book. Those kinds of sites are probably not a good idea for you. Sure he found you, but someone else could also find you or just start "talking" to you on face book--not a safe thing for you to be doing.

You mention that you are looking for a counselor. I think that is a very good idea as a counselor who is familiar with bi polar can help you get grounded. You would be able to talk to her about these kinds of issues when they get started and she would be able to help you see things from a non manic view point.

It is really great that you have an awareness of the manic phase. You mention that you are concerned that you are trading a shopping obsession with a sex obsession. What do you think you can do in order to protect yourself and your marriage from this potential new obsession? Would you be able to tell your H of this concern?

Really, Kudos to you for taking the actions that you have taken regarding the cell phone and blocking him from contacting you.
Good job with stopping the relationship before you got into more hot water.


Lake
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miwc, your wife sounds just like mine.


Married 23 yrs
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Too many other D-Days to remember
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Megan76 Offline OP
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I done't necessarily think I'm going to have a sex addiction now that I have been able to controll my spending. It's just from all my research you trade one compulsion for another. I still have my binge eating.

Today I have an appointment with my pastor to explaine what is going on and to have a support partner. He was a betrayed spouse, so I think he will be able to give me good advice. I truly don't want to ruin my marriage or my family. I complain about the lack of time my DH spends with me and our family but he really is a good man. He lets me have my free time and takes the kids alot to give me a break.

I found out last nite that he has been reading the Bipolar book I gave him, but it seems that it is to advanced and I need to get him Bipolar for Dummies as a starter. LOL He agreed.

We did talk about mania and that when I am manic that I can do things that are not me and that I would not normaly do. He said he knew that. I don't know if he caught on that I was trying to be more honest with him. I don't like hiding things from him because he is my best friend.

I asked him if he wanted me too give up facebook and he said no because I just found a friend that we hung out with this past weeken and he had a lot of fun. He knows I have social issues and can see how happy I am when I reconnect with my highschool/college/sororty friends. He knows there is a chance that this situation could happen again, but we both agreed that since I was honest(partialy)about what happend that he trusted me and I don't want to break that trust.

My husband emailed to let me know that my pscyh called to resch my appointment since my meds are not working. We were both releived. So it seems like things are moving in the right direction.

Last edited by Megan76; 01/20/09 09:08 AM. Reason: added info

Me:33
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I'm bipolar Type II. I found out in the last three years. I had an affair and divorced my exhusband- all while probably being manic- or so my doctor says. I am sort of reluctant to accept that as a cause- because I feel like I need to carry the responsibility of my actions.

I fluctuate between high and low- usually high. My husband now can tell when I'm manic. I'm medicated and my meds work- and I know that I have to take them.

Sounds like your meds are not working. It's urgent that you get this taken care of now.

Second of all- I disagree that your husband should let you stay on Facebook. It's obvious that because of being bipolar you don't have boundaries. It's like opening up a crack house to an addict. You just can't do it.

To protect you- he should disable internet at home- you should ask him to do this. He should take you off any bank accounts and revoke your access to credit cards since you have a problem in that area too.

Get a friend you can be accountable to- not someone off the internet. Tell them what you are struggling with and ask them to help you stay straight until you can visit the doctor for meds correction.

Do you sleep? Because if I do not sleep I have a tendency to be more manic. Rest is a must for someone with bipolar. If you're not sleeping them please get some medication for sleeping from your pdoc.


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Rock, I've never had a conversation with anyone who has experienced what I've experienced. I'd be interested in hearing more. This thread wouldn't be the best place, though.

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Well miwc. I don't mean to TJ hear, so I will try and keep it short. You just seemed like me because you appear to have been married about as long aws I have. My wife was diagnosed with depression and bi-polar, although she never seems to have any frantic times. She also sees a psych, and is on meds. The problem is that she is also an alcoholic, so that is tough.

She went throughh er "mid-life crisis" and has had multiple affairs over the past couple of years. She, too, seems to live in her own world and finds little if any time for me.
I don't know, your situation just kind of reminded me of my own circumstances.
Rock


Married 23 yrs
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It doesn't seem to be an affair my wife is interested in. She's decided she's an artist. She's more preoccupied with finding herself through writing and art than anything else. She's been a stay at home mom her entire adult life and now she wants to find herself. For about a year, I pursued her hard and was pretty freaked out. The more I pursued, the harder she pushed back. A few months ago I decided I wasn't going to live in that state of anxiety any longer, so I quit and have just pushed her out of my mind. It's been more of a coping mechanism than anything. The next step is to let the dust settle and decide if I want to live out my life in this situation or start new.

I have to say if I found out she had an affair, there wouldn't be any deciding to do. I'd move on that minute.

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Megan76 Offline OP
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"Sounds like your meds are not working. It's urgent that you get this taken care of now."

I don't think they are, that is why I have an appointment with my pdoc tomorrow. They were able to fit me in earlier.

"Second of all- I disagree that your husband should let you stay on Facebook. It's obvious that because of being bipolar you don't have boundaries. It's like opening up a crack house to an addict. You just can't do it."

Getting rid of facebook is not a big deal. I found my friends that I want to contact so I don't really need to post on their wall.

"To protect you- he should disable internet at home- you should ask him to do this. He should take you off any bank accounts and revoke your access to credit cards since you have a problem in that area too."

We have done most of that.I have no access to any money, except that in which he gives me. I have no credit cards etc... I am literaly at his mercy. As far as the internet goes, he could take that too and probalby will now that he has taken my cell and home phone away. I thought being honest about this was the best way, but now I am at home with a 3 year old with now way to contact anyone in an emergency, but who cares about that.

"Get a friend you can be accountable to- not someone off the internet. Tell them what you are struggling with and ask them to help you stay straight until you can visit the doctor for meds correction."

I have a friend like that but since my phone is gone I have no way to contact her. She doesn't check email that often so it is pointless.

"Do you sleep? Because if I do not sleep I have a tendency to be more manic. Rest is a must for someone with bipolar. If you're not sleeping them please get some medication for sleeping from your pdoc. "

Yes I do sleep, I take clonazepam for sleep and it works fine I get anywhere from 7-8 hours a night.

It seems like from what I am reading the best thing to do is put my daughter in day care and then just lock me up in a cage all day. That would be a sure fire way to prevent anything from happening.

I am competent, I have taken steps to prevent this on my own, so I am a higher functioning bipolar.








Me:33
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DX: Bipolar
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Now that I have time to rethink, I'm wondering if thinking about acting out an affair is my pathetic way of wanting out. I figure if I had an affair he would want a divorce. We have come close to divorce twice. The first time was days before I was hospitalized the first time and then the second was about six months later. My meds were not working good enough for him so he wanted out. We decided to wait until after Christmas and apparently he changed his mind.

He has made several comments about how he would not allow me to divorce him ( not possible since we live in Texas)as well as he would prove me incopmentant to raise our children.

I know having an affair would be a sure fire way to get him to divorce me but then I would have to fight for my kids in which I take 80% care of ( that's good enough for him now) and I don't know how that would go. I think I would win but you never know.


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I'm not accusing you of being incompetent. But you have at least one break right and had to be hospitalized??? I'm not going to sugar coat what I think the truth is in this situation because you don't like what you're hearing.

I would state that I'm highly functioning. I have never spent money crazily or any of the other things people with bipolar do- my only symptom was mania and the fact I had an affair.

You're ill. You also had an affair. Your H should expect you to have boundaries against having another affair. You should have no problem submitting to those boundaries if you want your marriage to work.

I disagree about having a phone at home in case of emergencies- perhaps he should monitor the bill- but you should have a phone in case something happens with your daughter.

Look, this is not about him really, it's about you. Right now because of not being medicated properly you're not thinking correctly. Before you decide on whether or not you will work on your marriage please get that under control so that you can think more clearly.

You don't work outside the home right? What would your plans be to support yourself?? You could probably get child support but you couldn't live solely on that. Where would you live?

I think you need a plan in place and to be fully medicated before you decide what to do. Being bipolar and unmedicated and doing crazy things does not show a pattern of stability for child custody. I'm not saying you would lose your daughter but your chances would increase if you had a pattern of stability to show a judge. That means being med compliant- with meds working.You may not think it right now but divorces get mean and nasty and it's a possibility he would use that against you. Think about it.


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Megan76 Offline OP
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I have NOT had an affair. I stated I was thinking about it. To me there is a big difference. I can admit to an emotional, but not physical. The emotional side did not even go very far. I realized what was happening and saught advice.I had only been emailing my friend for a few days.

You are right, my meds were not working. I have never once got off of them. It's not my fault I have not been able to find the right combination. Yesterday my pdoc and I started from scratch med wise.

I realize that I am basicaly screwed if I get divorced. I honestly don't think that he can prove that he is a more fit parent than I, but that does not matter right now.

I can hold down a job. I quit my job to stay at home with our last child before she starts school, so I am stable enough to work even though it may not appear so here.

I went over the emotional needs survey and I know why I want out or wanted to have an affair. I know what needs of mine are not being met, but he won't even take the time to do the survey so I can know what I need to work on.

As far as having a plan, the only realistic plan I can have is sit it out and wait to see which round of meds is going to work and in the mean time either stay out of his way or try to get him to help me understand what he needs (which is not working right now)


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I know it's frustrating dealing with the meds. I was lucky that my sixth combination worked. I personally believe that many people who are addicts- drug and alcohol are bipolar but they don't know. They have symptoms that they are trying to mask and get away from the pain and alcohol and drugs numb it. I can see why many of them do because it's so hard to get the right combo of meds- and even when you do the side effects make many want to give up- weight gain and sexual.

Okay, so your H is not meeting your needs right? I get that. However that doesn't give you the right to go out and have an emotional affair or physical. The fact that you're thinking about it means you're in the right place.

It took me a long time to get to the point where I knew that my exhusband not meeting my needs was not an excuse for my actions. It may even have been harder with the bipolar disorder playing with my emotions I'm not sure. As I stated before, despite what my doctors say, I refuse to use that as an excuse for my bad behavior.

You know you need boundaries because you are vulnerable. That is why I said the internet is not a good idea. Facebook, My Space those kinds of things. It may help you being lonely but there is too much potential there for you to develop a relationship with someone. Especially when your love bank is as low as yours.

When I feel that I'm a bit manic and my behavior is escalating- you know the feeling I'm guessing- I stay away from the internet- I make it a point not to go shopping and I make it a point to drive more carefully and such. I know I can never put myself in the position of having emotional needs met by someone else besides my husband. Even with meds I do get a bit manic at times- but I'm reluctant to change my meds right now when they seem to be working well for the most part.

When is your appointment?

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I had my last appointment yesterday and the increase in my dosage seems to be working. I have mixed episodes,so it is harder to controll, but they seem to be working.

I got my husband to fill out the emotional needs questionar and learned the areas that needed more attnetion. Some of them, I had no clue needed work. Just by knowing his emotional needs and trying to be more aware, things have gotten better.

I did tell one of my close friends what was going on and apparently she was involved in an EA and her marriage ended so that has helped having a live person to talk to that went through the same thing I did.

My biggest problem right now is the love busting. Very hard, but I am using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for that. If I can find the triggers then I can change the outcome and that will help our marriage too.


Me:33
DH:40
DS:8
DD:4
Married:9.5 yrs
Together:10.5
DX: Bipolar
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