I agree Pep. This man is worth fighting for.

Pep, I don't have your email.

T2L,

Ahhh. He said more than "I don't want to answer to anyone."

He came, and he stayed. Longer than he should have, and he knew that. He stayed, because he wanted you to come out to the garage,and he wanted you to break Plan B, and he wanted you to answer to his move - which was to break the stalemate.

He won, in a sense, but he is losing.

His words betray him.

He said, "I'm tired and it's late, and I figured I could stay."


Read those words again.


He was actually tired in more than one sense of the word. He got very tired of waiting for you to be the one to go to the garage and throw him out, which is what he wanted.

Only that isn't quite how it went down - you did a great job. Stayed quiet, and he ended up coming to you. And you told him how you felt, again. You are the broken record, and your words echo in his head. He betrays himself by telling you, "I figured I could stay." You see, he knows he can come back - and he is tired of the situation. And he wanted to do something to shake things up one way or the other, to break the stalemate, to talk again.

I don't think this is what he had in mind. I think he wanted you maybe to join in the game, join them at dinner, something different. I'm pretty sure his affair fantasy is over, because this night was saturated with his attempt at staying "at home" with you.

He left empty handed. Ouch.


The idea that he doesn't want to have to answer to anyone - now that is something very different from being controlled. Don't confuse the two at all.

I'm fairly certain his message here is that he wants something different in his life in terms of activities, and I think your idea of a MLC is probably spot-on. The affair is a symptom perhaps, and he's coming to realize that - I wonder if you brought the subject up for him about changes in people you might get a huge reaction from him, if you were to talk about it in a philosophical sense.

This concept that he doesn't want to answer to anybody may be quite broadly applied here. He may have fears that he is being judged (rightly so), and that he cannot possibly fix things. Also, that he wants to do things that he has never done before, but that other people will comment on the changes - and he does not want to have to deal with that issue. Many people go through this.

For example, say a person has always dressed cowboy style - his whole life. But he's sick of it, and really wants to change. What are the ramifications of changing? He's so locked in, everyone in his life will comment! He would practically have to move to New York City and get a new identity to do this without having to explain himself and not weather a storm of controversy and hassling. So your husband may be feeling the need for something different, a break from the old things - and not want to answer to anyone for the break. Does this make sense?

Talk to him about it. But think of it not in terms of controlling him - think of it in terms of him wanting to break from what he feels is his life's rut.

Don't make this about YOU. It isn't. His comment was SELF-DIRECTED!

"I" don't want to answer to anybody.

If it was about you, he would have said, "Stop telling me what to do."



SB

awesome SB !

Whew okay a bunch of information there. Okay yes he was in bible school ready to get his bachelors in theology and soon to take over a church. He was very afraid and felt he would fail. He wanted to run from that and he wanted I think to "change" that. He had said that he wanted to do other things but yes I think he felt the pressure of every one looking at Pastor T2L. He felt like he did not want to be perfect. I can see what you are saying. Yes he was very locked in an if he just ran because of his fear he felt that no one would understand why.

He says over and over everyone is judging him although he has seen a few church friends and NO ONE has said anything including head pastor but I love you and miss you. I have told him numerous times that I will not place judgment on you thats between you and God. He told DD17 he feels like an idiot and knows he made a stupid mistake and i feel your right he doesn't think that he can fix it. He said last week that I only love him or want him so I won't mess up my image,, I don't understand really what he means.

He may want to do things he's never done before, I don't know. I do believe the affair is not great. I have no proof per say just a feeling based on a few comment hes made to me and the kids about how do we know he is with her.



As lame as that sounds I have no idea what to say or how to go about what you are talking about. I mean he is still living with her or at least I think so but I mean how great can it be if he wants to stay. He told DD17 he didn't want to leave. Any suggestions of how to implement what your talking about?

My brain is frying on how to figure out how.....

Just a thought... do you think that he thinks coming back to you means coming back to becoming a pastor? You'd allow him back if he met all your PBL conditions but wanted to not become a pastor and wanted to change churches, right? I mean, if God is really calling him to preach, then that's between him and God, it isn't one of your PBL requirements. I wonder if he thinks coming back to you means he has to return to this "calling" that he fears?

{{{SB}}}

Talk to him about it. But think of it not in terms of controlling him - think of it in terms of him wanting to break from what he feels is his life's rut.

"I" don't want to answer to anybody.

If it was about you, he would have said, "Stop telling me what to do."




hiii im t2ls daughter....

ok with this i think i understand whats your saying... im trying to help my mom understand....

his life's rut would be church!!! he always talks about church..
and how much he hates it and wont go back and would never be a pastor...


One time he came to visit he was pretty much agruing with himself..

he said
" Hypothetically speaking"
what if i was to go be a pastor... i would never make the church give offering..because that's cheesy.. and i want god to supply my needs.. and i would never ask for a offering..

then he'll say something like
but anyways i would never go back and do that!!! ill never be like the other pastor and everyone will leave the church...because im not him...


well anyways..

ok so last night when i said goodbye to him.. i said well its 12 am are you going to be heading home soon????

and he said.. uuughh hmmm no i dont want to...
im tired.. and i said well hmmm..
(i knew in my mom wouldnt let him stay)
so i said..hmm well i dont really know about that! you gotta go ask the head hancho!

and he kinda chuckled..
and i said bye
and the whole love you schpeel..

so what do you think about that!!!?!?!

Had a pretty okay day today. The kids and I laughed a lot today at silly things. Haven't done that in so long, its almost like you have to learn how to laugh and find humor again.

So update, well any guesses???? Good thing he is now calling at 8:30 to talk to kids again. I guess during his talk to DS10 he asked about his bike. DS10 left his bike at a friends house about 3-4 months ago and we have just forgotten to get it with all we've been going through. So H says did you get your bike back yet and DS10 says not yet but it's in his back yard, they talk for a bit an hang up.

I get a text an hour later TELLING me, Just a reminder DS10 says his bike is still over at friends house so you should go get it tomorrow. Okay first off I told you yesterday that since you have given me the paydays we now have no further reason to talk at all and secondly did you just TELL ME to go get it tomorrow as If I have to listen to you or I had no plans? Am I missing something?

This dude is SOOOOO stinking Hillarious! As usual, No I did not respond. What on earth is going through his mind??? Like he really cares about my son's bike. LOLLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

I can't really say why this is funny to me but its making he laugh!

Well Pep, let me know on the things you were re-thinking. i quite enjoyed Schoolbus's input and want her to read what I responded and what DD17 responded to as well. Did her response give you any ideas? BTW its good to have you back from your getaway!

Anyways taking the kids to the Getty Museum tomorrow. Its free and I would love for them to see the Art and its up on a hill so I think we may be able to see the entire Los Angeles basin.


By the way Hi to the other 2 IM's Neakie Pooh and Deleany Pooh!

So Lildoggie is making her way to the US in March, she will stopping in at my house I am sooooo excited and Hope3343 is planning to come it the week before I think. Lildoggie and I were thinking we should have an MB BBQ while she is here from NZ!!! I think its the week of March 11th.

So emailed Pastor told him I wanted 1 more week and I will return Feb 1st. He wants me to sing I am feeling nervous about it. Isn't that odd? We'll see.

Off to watch a movie and laugh some more that he texted me again, man thats good stuff rot thur. Boy apparently he may have lost his hearing now too LMAO!!!

Flick will be there too
Crysalis and Chewie, would be great to catch up with you again. Everyone else, would be great to put some faces and names together .
If not in LA, then Seattle for Flicks stair climb!

Yer going to TX and yer not coming to see me???

your in TX?

I thought you lived in Canada!

Just to make sure...
what is TX?

oops... Texas? Isn't that where T2L is?


Um, maybe not... I think back when folks were discussing who could be IM... maybe it's CA?

she be in CA

Is that far?

Lessee... There's one state between CA and Seattle (but CA's a long state, big diff between northern CA and southern CA).

There's um... 2 states between me and Seattle... or 3 I suppose, depending on which way you go. And you're passing through just a bit of one... I dunno. Could be about the same, depending on where in CA.

Just asked her offlist, and have her permission to say 20 minutes north west of Los angeles

Hee. From Houston, Texas, to California, you could drive for 24 hours and still not be out of Texas! Two-thirds of the trip is spent just getting out of Texas. Then you have two more states to drive through before you hit California.

"Two-thirds of the trip is spent just getting out of Texas."

I remember doing that, and it is one long straight highway, no hills, no trees, no curves, just driving forever.

Wait a good week or 2 before you bother to get the bike.

Yup Absolutely! I am so not going to get it now. Hilarious!