My story,

As others have preceeded before me...Here is what happened:

Roughly a year ago, having been very successful in the mortgage industry things started falling apart financially and businesswise. I started viewing myself as a failure as my inability to keep up levels of income and success started falling and the industry began unraveling. I started withdrawing and feeling horrible about myself. Throughout this journey my wife stood by my side continually telling me it didin't matter as long as we had each other and the kids (15,12,9,7) and we were healthy. The best I can describe myself through this was angry, withdrawn, emotionally disconnected, cruel, and ultimately I started fantasizing about my younger "glory days". Part of my "glory days were life in the USMC, travel, and a disjointed yet intense "first love". As the months passed and I sank deeper into depression I started wondering about this OW as my wife and I became more disconnected and as she began a party/dringking/going out cycle that I resented more and more. She basically was reacting to me and the loss of emotional connection and started doing this as a masking tool that helped her deal with the pain of my rejection.
At this point I had completetely disconnected from God, stopped praying and it got worse. I started seeking out this other woman who was married and eventually we connected-online through Myspace....Ughhh... We started communicating and before long we were reigniting old feelings left unresolved many years ago. We had an emotional affair. I was treating my wife worse and worse. I was eventually discovered on an email account by my wife with ridiculous emails professing all kinds of feelings. Even after the discovery I was treating her horribly as my anger was still rampant. I told her all manner of things such as I will always love this other woman, she will have to look over her shoulder, etc ect... I committed to stay in the marriage as it broke my heart to see her pain and disconnected from the other situation immediately.

I continued to be angry and unresponsive until my wife pulled me into the bedroom one night and told me she was done and wanted a divorce.

I cannot even explain what happened to me that night. God literally threw a thunderbolt at me and I was instantly broken.

I instantly was able, perhaps for the first time in my life to see myself for who I really was and the sight wasn't pretty. I also was able to see how much I loved my amazing wife and I would do anything to save our marriage.

Since then she has agreed to stay. That was about a month ago. She asked me for space. She asked for us to work on the friendship again. I have gone completely paranoid. She is seeking her own identitiy for the first time in our marriage and I have realized for the first time I have become completley codependant on her. I am a wreck. In that month I have returned to prayer, read any book I can get my hands on to understand what I have to do, returned to church with my children (as she won't go right now and she has always had a heart for Christ), I have started individual counseling, as she has, I have joined a Men's group, I pray all the time, asking God to change me and our marriage, I am changing who I am with God's help.

I am also am struggling with over-communication. I can't shut up and give her space. I don't sleep. I can't focus at work..I obsess I just want desperately to reconnect with her which is driving her away. I have no boundaries...and on and on. In one month I have managed to push her even farther away. How the heck did I go from being completely shut down to where I am at right now. I just want to save my marriage and be the husband God intended me to be.

So now I have confirmed an EA she was/is having. Confronted her last night. We talked..She wants a separation. We can't afford it and I don't want it. She has been at a GF house for two nights and isn't communicating. I am at home with my three boys carrying on like nothing is going on..

What now?

Thanks for the long story but I wanted it to be complete.

Welcome to Marriage Builders. It's always a mixed bag seeing someone new on the boards. It's the best place in the world if you're working through infidelity, but it's sad that you find yourself needing to be here.

"Revenge" affairs are not unusual. Sometimes they're done out of spite, anger, and revenge, and sometimes the betrayed spouse (BS) finds themselves so alone and their self esteem in such tatters that they become ensnared in the first sympathetic voice that comes their way. My H had an EA with an old high school girlfriend and I had an EA, a "revenge affair" because I felt so bad about myself, and alone, and I failed to keep appropriate boundaries in place. It's a horrible place to be.

The first thing anyone on these boards will tell you is that to end an affair you must EXPOSE it to the light of day. You have to tell everyone in the circle of influence around the A. That would be your wayward wife's (WW's) parents, your parents, the other man's (OM's) wife, your children, and your pastor. Also, if they work together or are in some kind of organization together like a sporting club or involved at school, you need to tell the people who are "in charge" at work, or the organization.

Typically it's a matter of calling, visiting, emailing, or writing the people and saying "WW is having an A with OM. I'm determined to become a better husband and make our marriage the best it can be. I'd really appreciate your support of WW and me during this difficult time. Also, if you have any advice I'd like to hear what you have to say." The problem in your situation is you can't very well do that without being a total hypocrite. You'll have to expose your own A as well. You'll have to say "I had an A with OW. It was the biggest mistake of my life and I'm trying to put the pieces back together in my marriage. Unfortunately, suffering from my neglect and mistreatment, WW has chosen to become involved with OM..." and continue your little speech as above. Are you up to this?

Personally I think you HAVE to do this, because you have a long marriage with four children. You're affecting a lot of lives if you choose anything BUT reconciliation and recovery. You have to tell the whole story because a real marriage, a good marriage, is built on truth and honesty -- even when the truth hurts. You cannot build a marriage on lies and omissions.

So, sit down and make your list of who you're going to expose to. And expose. The sooner the better. Do NOT NOT NOT tell your wife you're going to do this! It will give her time to tell "her side" of the story, about how you had an A and the two of you are separated and about to get divorced, and you're jealous and controlling and insane with anger. How she's terrified of you and OM is just a good friend helping her through the nightmare. So expose without warning. Do it all at once.

Second: QUIT talking to your wife about the marriage and relationships. She is not invested in the marriage right now, she doesn't want to be, and every time you try to bring up relationship talks she'll feel backed into a corner, and controlled, and manipulated. Just drop all relationship talk.

Third: Start changing your behavior immediately to attract her back into the marriage. Read all about Love Busters and get RID of all of them now. Angry outbursts are common around discovery day, exposure, and confrontation. They're also easy to spot. Not so easy are disrespectful judgments, so read up on those extra carefully.

Read all about Emotional Needs and try to figure out what HER top emotional needs are. Hers will almost certainly be different from yours. Amend your behavior to meet her top ENs. Don't talk about what you're doing, just show her with your actions that you are an attractive choice.

Don't expect her to notice any of your changes right away. For one, she's letting OM meet her ENs and she's in a state of withdrawal from you. You can't make deposits in her love bank right now, so don't expect her to be all appreciative. Just maintain the course without any expectations. Meet her ENs and eliminate LBs for *yourself* - what you are doing is embarking on a self-improvement course where you learn to be a better spouse. She's really not part of the equation at this point, she's just a bystander. Over TIME she will begin to believe that your changes are real and permanent. Then things will begin to change. But it will take TIME.

Fourth: She's a betrayed spouse (BS). You have to do everything in your power to make her feel safe with you. Make sure she knows where you are at all times. Cancel all your secret email accounts. Change your cellphone number. Make sure your wife has access to all cellphone records so she can see who you're calling, how often, and when. Install a key logger on the PC and have the reports sent to her so she knows where you're going and what you're saying when you're online. Do anything else you can think of to make your wife feel safe. Once you've done everything you can think of, tell her "I know you don't trust me, and you have no reason to trust me because I violated that trust. I want to earn back your trust and I want you to feel safe with me again. What can I do that will help you feel safe with me?" But don't have this talk now, do it later after you've taken all of the above actions.

Keep posting here, and read the articles and the concepts. Read them several times... if you're like me, when I first came here, it will take several readings for everything to sink in.

Vdad,
Its time to start plan A.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubb...in=155600&Number=2197075#Post2197075

For what its worth, I can related all too well to your post, the thunderbolt, the incessant desire to talk about my revelations, not functioning at work, all of it.

You need to work on yourself like you're doing. If I may make a suggestion. Is there anything you do as a family that she really enjoyed? Minature Golf, boating, fishing, anything? You need to do that and don't invite her. In fact don't tell her until you already did it. She needs to see what she is missing. This might sound mean, but you need to take her off all bank accounts and cancel all credit cards that are joint accounts. Tell her you will give her her separation. But you need to tell her that if you are separated, you are separated. She will need to find work and support herself. No loans, no money. This all sounds very harsh. And it is your fault. But if she is pulling further away. You need to give her independence with all it pluses and minuses. You need to stop asking her to come back. Keep your conversations limited to the children. Remember this......

THE HAPPIER YOU GET THE MORE SHE WILL REGRET (leaving you).

Do not include her in things you do as a family. Focus on your kids and let her blow in the wind alone. Don't be angry, mean, or needy with her. It will only drive her further away. She needs to see you as a confident, happy person that she wants to be with. If she bugs you about money. Tell her you wish you could but the kids and there expenses come first. She is able to work and they are not. You have already told her that you can't support two separate life styles. You need to show her now.

Turtles responses are excellent. You need to apply them. But the stick must come with the carrot. The stick is no financial support. She may be the B/S. But now so are you. Cut off the funds now.

Oh, one other thing. You have obviously seen what chasing after her has accomplished......nothing. What you need to do is go down and get the separation started yourself. If she sees you pulling away, there is a good chance she will change direction too. She will want to fill the emotional vacuum that you are creating. Think about it.