I think I know what I have to do and I have already started seperating everything on my end. My heart still want's to believe I have the strength to get past all this and she can change and my mind is telling me I can't and she won't. I don't think I will truly know untill I see and talk to her in person. My counselor said if she goes to see a counselor state side we can set up a VTC (video telephone conference) session and then I will see and talk to her with our counselors present. So far she hasn't gone to the counselor and I don't know that she will. I will continue to act against my heart and seperate what I can and if it works out I can repair it and if not the work is already done.

Unfortunately, I think that's a great way to keep that dysfunctional relationship going on longer than it should. It's pretty clear that she meets some of your ENs, as you did fall in love with her and M her. However, if you let her continue to meet ENs, this disaster of a relationship that you've got at the moment might continue on for a lot longer than it should.

I lost over 20 years of my life to an unfaithful spouse because when I saw the first warning sign, which was a very blatant one (but even then, less blatant than the ones that have been shown to you), I chose to stay rather than to walk away.

As others have suggested, walk away from this.

fcal,

I feel bad in a way that I'm not giving "Marriage Building" advice, but I'm also realistic and have the benefit of hindsight.

The big red flag with this woman is that she cheated on you so early in your marriage.

You're making smart moves with your finances. I was in complete emotional shock after I came home from my deployment and she took advantage of my state of mind and my emotions by manipulating me into a divorce I didn't want. She stacked the deck totally in her favor and it cost me dearly.

But you don't have kids with this woman. That is a huge, huge thing.

She's already showing she's not suited for military life. It's tough. It takes a special kind of woman that can function independently and isn't so in need for attention that she goes and seeks it when you're not around. That's a very bad thing.

The thing is that you could recover your marriage if she makes a dramatic change, but you'll be freaking out when you deploy again and will be worrying about home.

Worries about home should be the last thing on your mind when you're deployed. You really need to have a woman that will be able to stand up on her own and take care of the homefront while you're gone.

Those kinds of women are out there. They're really special and awesome when seen in action.

But you and I didn't marry women like that. Your wife is a woman that sounds like she NEEDS attention to be happy and isn't happy on her own.

We all need attention, but her need for it is the unhealthy kind. It's the kind that can't wait. She sounds like the kind of woman that has to have a man in her life or she isn't happy.

A woman like that is dangerous in a military marriage because she'll be out looking for her short term hookup while you're deployed.

Believe me when I tell you that throwing children into the mix will seriously, seriously make things very painful for you down the road.

The choice is yours to bail or not, but there are so many good women out there that hanging on to a cheater when there are no kids in the equation just isn't worth it when you're young.

We're not talking about a woman you've been faithfully married to for almost a decade. This is a woman who started cheating on you very shortly after you got married, which is a giant red flag.

Your heartbreak now does not compare to the heartbreak you'll suffer down the road when you have a little one running around and calling you "daddy". Trust me on that one.

Seriously, focus on your career. Take advantage of splitting with this woman when you're early on in your career. If you split with her you can concentrate on putting in the deployment and hours up front and will be able to approach marriage and a relationship with more maturity and stability down the road when you're a crusty "old" sergeant working a staff job on a base somewhere.

You have a lot of life ahead of you.

I hope that the friend's wife has been notified of the affair. Counseling is a waste with an ongoing affair.

But good job on taking care of business.

Soldier,

Sorry to hear you are in this situation. I too suffered from this as I was deployed September 2001 thru April 2002. And believe me, I know the feeling of thinking you are "trapped" over there and cant get home to take care of business.

My first advice to you is to make sure your head is on straight. As you know all too well, people die when we dont have situational awwareness about you. If you have any doubt before heading out on missions that your head is not in the right place, let your first sergeant know immediately.

Second, I presume since you went to the chaplain that you are a Christian. You will find the source of your strength and your ability to stand up and move out in Jesus. Lean hard on Him.

Third, trust your training. You have an advantage most civilians do not. You have been trained to overcome adversity...to not quit even when you cant see anyway to win. To soldier on, even when you are cold, tired, hungry and have no strength left. One foot in front of the other. Rely on that...it WILL get you through.

Please understand that most of the folks that are not going thru what you are going thru will not understand your situation. Dont leave yourself in positions to be alone...and do not keep things bottled up. Use your chaplain...he is a GREAT source of advice...and a shoulder you can lean on.

Next, the OM (other man) who was your friend...is no longer your friend. You get that? Dont try to understand him. If he is in the military, report him to the IG IMMEDIATELY! Also, make sure his wife knows EVERYTHING! Whether or not you want to save your marriage, his wife needs to know. And the IG needs to know also, as he is in violation of several laws and regulations.

The next thing you need to do is to order on this website "Surviving an Affair." Here is your first step. You need to "prep for combat." And make no mistake, even if you want to end this...it will be combat. There are many demons to be fought here. If you choose to try to save your marriage, there will be many battles to be fought. And your first step is to read the best manual out there on how to get thru this.

You need to understand something here. The process yo uare about to go thru should have you coming out the other side as a better husband. Maybe not to your current wife, as you may choose to divorce her (more on her in a minute). But it is the process of going thru what is advised by Dr. Harley and what many of us will keep preaching to you, that will make you a better husband and a better man. Remember Basic Training? It was Hell, right? And even though you never want to go back there...arent you glad you went thru? Arent you glad what it did to you, how it changed you? Guess what? This will too, if you let it!!

Many end up letting it make them bitter...or they write off the situation to having a defective spouse. And even if true, they miss out on making themselves better so then if and when they marry again, they will be the spouse that their new spouse deserves. I thought I knew everything about being married. My wife's affair and my subsequent battles, showed me I didnt know anything! You have a lot to learn...and really are in a good place to do so. You are detached from the situation because you are on deployment. So, you can use this time to learn, prepare and decide what it is that you want to do before getting into the fight.

I see that you have no children. That makes things a little easier to decide to leave. I fought for my marriage for many reasons...but a key part was my kids. Without us having kids, it is a 50-50 chance I wouldnt have fought (although I am now glad I did).

I have a few questions for you to help us guide you along this path you need to go on. It will help us understand the whole picture of what you have in front of you.

1. (this questions is just because I am curious) What is your rank and MOS?

2. How did you and your wife meet?

3. Did you know about any of the affairs before now (even the pre-marriage ones)?

4. Does your wife have any kind of substance abuse issues?

That is a start.

I suggest you read a few more things also, as you wait for the SAA book. See below for my link concerning the roles of husbands and wives. Also, look at some of the successes on here and read their threads. Several have been suggested to you above.

Some of them ended up in divorce. But they are still considered successes because of who they became and how they ended things. Remember, you must earn your way out of the marriage. Dont be like your wife and the OM. Do this with honor. Not for your wife...for yourself.

I will wait on your response before we go further. Oh, by the way...as I asked you the question...I am a retired (2004) master sergeant...infantry...and former IG.

Why do people keep saying they aren't giving MB advice?

I'm pretty d@mn sure back when I was reading every bit of MB info I could find, Dr. Harley himself recommended leaving short term marriages with no children involved.

It's ultimately your decision, but leaving this woman IS MB advice.

Today I removed my wife from my life insurance out here. I didn't even think about that untill you guys started talking to me. I am moving forward with the divorce process and am going to cover myself financially before I drop the big D bomb. I am going to be 30 in May and I don't really feel young. I would like to start a family sometime and don't want to have kids too late. At the same time I want to enjoy life with just me and my wife before kids can come into the picture. With my current wife my mind keeps me moving forward in this seperating process and my heart is just screaming for it to stop.

I'm truely sorry to hear you're in this position.

The only advice I can offer is to PROTECT your retirement. If you can, use the adultery to retain 100% of any retirement benefits. As unfaithful as she's been, she doesn't deserve one nickle! It's common belief that you have to be married 10 years before your spouse has rights to your retirement but 10 years only guarentees her 50% paid by a military pay center. Any judge can order any amount of your retirment to her up to 50% for any length of marriage. Be careful and I hope things look up for you soon!

T

Good to see that you are protecting yourself. I took my wife off my SGLI immediately, also!

In your thirties is plenty young to have kids. Do the work now, so that you know you will be bringing them into a secure and stable marriage.

You have suffered a double whammy betrayal, and on top of that you are deployed. Your feelings are very normal and will last for some time. Lean on us and we will help you through this.

So far you are doing fine. Hang in there, and thanks for your sacrifice.

Heck FcalSoldier,

My W and I didn't have our last one until I was 42. He is graduating from college this year. It can be a real advantage to be older having children. It can be a pain too.

But, understand this, what MM and others have told you is true. You can do better, and even if you decide and/or your W decides to try and fix this marriage it needs to change and the only one you can change is yourself.

I grew up in the military moving every year or so. It is a different life, but it can be a rewarding life. My point is there are people that can handle it and others cannot, but frankly your W's problem isn't your deployeements. Her problem has to personal boundaries and desires she does not control.

A serial cheater and someone that has cheated since before you two were married, is not a person to trust. Your career choice is not the issue here.

Please think about it.

God Bless,

JL

FCal,

Here's something else to think about. Prior to deploying over seas military members are highly encouraged to give their spouse power of attorney. Did you give her power of attorney before you deployed? If you did was it self canceling? I.E. only for a limited amount of time?

If you gave her power of attorney I would go directly to a legal officer without stopping and see what can be done about canceling it.

Hopefully you didn't... but if you did ... go to legal.

Amazin - I think he did change the power of attorney.

And slight TJ - how are you doing?

I have already canceled her power of attorney and gave that power to my brother. I have done other things to seperate our lives except file divorce papers. Every time I do something to seperate our lives my heart screams out for me to stop and I ignore it and continue because my mind tells me thing are looking pretty hopeless. I am in counseling and so far I have yet to hear if my wife has gone to counseling. I'm not sure she will make any steps to fix this and I'm not going to push her to. I want her to take steps on her own to truly see where her heart is and so far it is not really on me.

Sorry to hear about your troubles, Bro! However, you really need to evaluate your situation. If I'm not mistaken, if you've been married to her for at least 10 years of your military carrer, she will be entitled to HALF of your retirement. I believe you stated you've been married to her for nine? I know what your heart is saying, but do you really want to give half of what you've spent twenty years to earn? The hard questions, dude! I wouldn't be surprised if someone is telling her to hold on to you until your ten year mark.

You are mistaken. He's only been married for about 15 months.

But Crossbar is correct, She MAY be entitled to some of your retirement. It depends on a lot of things....Including what state you're getting divorced in. Congress gave the states and judges the ability to treat military retirement as a marital asset. It's up to each state and judges.

Everyone (Including Attorney's and Judges) mis-interpet the 10 year rule of title 10 federal law. The 10 year rule just say's that the ex spouse can't recieve direct payments from the Defence Finance and Accounting Service (DFAS) unless you were married for 10 years, and... you were in the military for those 10 years. She could still get a portion of your retirement but you would have to pay her directly... with a check or whatever every month. A lot of states have a formula to determine how much if any that the former spouse should get.

I would say the shorter the marriage the better chance you have of retaining most... if not all of your retirement.

I am currently stop loss and am going to ETS when I get back home. I will have been in the Army for a little over nine years. I won't be qualifing for any retirement benifits for her to collect and that isn't my real concern right now. I have a good grafix job when I get home and actually make more there than I do in the military. I joined the military to create a future for us and to get my education for my carrer, now I have only my carrer and no future for me and my wife. I guess I will just have to play this thing out and see where it goes and hope my future holds someone willing to love me equally to my love for them.

There MAY not be a future for you and your wife but, YOU do have a future. You have ensured that and that is great for you.
BTW...I have a single 23 year old daughter....Sorry...but I couldn't resist!!!!!
You are doing the right things and just remember--this could be a blessing in disguise. You are strong, physically and mentally and you sound like you're keeping your head on straight.
Stay safe, soldier...

Well if your single 23 year old daughter is ever in southern California let me know and I can show her around. My head is on straight but my heart right now is a mess. I don't really know what the future holds and now my plans are invalid. I don't have any goals yet for my future and I can't focus right now enough make any. I really miss my family that would normaly be comforting me during this time and just want to go home. I need a firmiliar environment to focus in and that won't be happening untill September.

Fcal,

Don't date for a while after this.

You can protect yourself with your retirement by putting a clause in your divorce papers that she waives any further claims against you.

Have your lawyers come up with the right wording, but have it mean that you get a clean cut and she can't get any of your retirement.

Don't mention the retirement specifically, but make sure it's a catch all phraze which won't let her bring up the retirement issue.

I understand what you feel about your heart, but the fact that you've been married for such a short period and she's cheated on you is very, very huge.

You'll be able to judge better once you get home.