I just very recently found out that my husband of 18 years had a long time affair that he says ended last January but I know that he tried to rekindle it this past November. He claims that it was only physical. But it went on and on and on. I have always been very insecure and did find him looking at dating sites online about 4 years ago. He cried and cried and really acted as if he wanted my forgiveness. I truly believed him and we worked through it together. We went through marriage seminars and I really thought our marriage was going very well. I just found out that the affair was going on this whole time. During this time, we had great talks and times together. Now it all seems like a lie. The OW's boyfriend is the one who broke the news to me. That is when my husband admitted to the A. He claims he does not want to lose me or his family. He claims that I mean more to him than anything in the world. I am seeking God's guidance in knowing what to do but I am going crazy waiting for an answer.

I am feeling the exact same feelings as others who have just learned the horrible truth. I feel as if I am the one working to save this marriage while he gets away with what he has done. I don't want to punish him but I do want justice. I just can't get over how much this hurts. Do you stay with someone who has lied so much or do you leave and get over him...not matter how painful?

Whether you decide to walk or try to recover is your choice and no one can make that decision for you. You will hurt either way. Obviously you know that you can't believe a word WH says and his tears don't mean much. If you want to walk, can't say I'd blame you but if you want to try and recover the M you will have to make a plan and enforce it. Plan Hope isn't going to cut it. Have you exposed the A?

Sorry you are here try2love but you are in a good place for help whatever you decide.

Thanks for your reply. I agree that his words and tears don't mean much at all. And this sounds silly but he really seemed like a great husband. He always helped out, was there for our daughters, provided all he made financially, etc... I just didn't see any signs.

I did have him tell of his affair to the people which work with him where it happened. It all took place at a fire company where I thought he was there to help others. I completely supported this as he is in a leadership position there. The OW is also though and they both still want to be a part of the fire service. He does not want it exposed at work as he was recently given a leadership position and feels he needs to retain the respect of the 100+ employees. I am not sure what to think of either one of these situations.

1. They cannot continue to work together if you want to restore your M. Your H needs to understand this. Recovery will be very unlikely if they remain in contact.

2. If your H feels he needs to retain the respect of the employees, trying to keep something like this secret is not going to accomplish that - many of the employees likely know what's going on anyway. And then there's always the possibility of a sexual harassment charge from the OW if she ever feels slighted...

Your reply makes so much sense. Yes...I agree that they can not work together. It is a totally volunteer situation and He believes he can tell her that she needs to go. I don't think he can for legal reasons. He may get slapped with a harrassment charge. I had never thought about that. That is a consequence he may need to face.

He believes that he has been able to keep this from his workplace as the affair happened in another arena. I still think it should be exposed altogether because it will eventually get out.

I just can't to seem to get him off my mind. Is it normal to still be in love with the OS? And though I want justice, Ican't bring myself to cause him any hurt. Does this mean I am weak?

Something I would do if I were in your shoes, is ask your WH how he intends to earn back your trust.

He lied to you while you were in counseling. How is he going to prove to you that he's now telling the truth?

He re-kindled the A. How can he prevent that from ever happening again, with OW or with someone else? What extraordinary precautions does he plan on putting in place to ensure he remains faithful?

Then that's what he needs to do. Action, not words.



If she can't, or won't, leave, then he has to leave. It really is as simple as that.

If your husband won't leave his card playing, beer swilling volunteer fire station buddies then you know what he thinks about the marriage. Act accordingly.

Virtually ALL male adulterers claim that "it is/was just sex and didn't mean anything" (i.e. emphasize the physical but deny the emotional). This is a LIE.

Virtually ALL female adulterers claim that "we are/were just friends and fell for each other...it isn't/wasn't sexual" (i.e. emphasize the emotional but deny the physical). This is also a LIE.

The pattern is very predictable--they ALL LIE.

SDCWman

""Virtually ALL male adulterers claim that "it is/was just sex and didn't mean anything" (i.e. emphasize the physical but deny the emotional). This is a LIE.

Virtually ALL female adulterers claim that "we are/were just friends and fell for each other...it isn't/wasn't sexual" (i.e. emphasize the emotional but""


This is how you feel but feeling's do not make it correct.

Many WH's were only after extra sex and ego boost. Never were going to leave their BW.

Many WW's loved having their emotional needs met so they went from EA to PA to keep their OM meeting their EN's.

Some got better SF from their OP then from their BS. Those that stated this tended to be WW's.

The only thing you got right is that all WS's lie. During and after. Only after the fog lifts and withdrawal takes place that the truth starts to be heard.

Thanks so much for all the replies. I look forward to reading what you all have to say as I try to sort through this mess!

Yes...I agree that they ALL LIE! It is part of their character. If they had a better character, they would not have had an affair. I believe there has to be some other attraction than just physical for an affair to last for three years or more. A one night temptation is so different from an ongoing "sexual" relationship.

I just can't get past the disrepect. And the whole thing just disgusts me!!! How can a WH act so loving and caring at home when he is having an affair? I am sure there were signs but I missed them all because he has always played the part of the caring, wonderful husband. I tried to be a trusting wife because I did believe his apologies with the first betrayal.

We have actually been referred to as a model couple in our community. What a laugh that is now.

The OW has made comments to mutual friends that I should have been able to keep my husband at home. I haven't even given her the dignity of a response. I don't believe in starting something with someone of such low morals. Only fools argue with fools...but it is difficult to save face in a community where I teach and my students know what is going on.

How do others deal with the public humiliation as well as the pain and resentment?

If these are friends of yours, why are they talking to the hag OW? You don't need friends like that. You can either ignore or deliver a real stinger to her...it's not like you don't have tons of ammunition lol. While I did have feel embarrassment and humilitation in the beginning, those feelings have faded over time. The APs are the ones acting like low life aholes, not me, and too many people out there are hypocrites anyway. Unless other people are really bored in their lives and have nothing better to do then gossip, it will blow over. Hang in there.

Hey Black Raven...
Thanks for the encouragement. We have the dignity to hold our heads high. They should be the ones ducking in shame.

I re-read what I wrote and I think I need to explain it a bit more.

The reason you ask your WH how he intends to earn back your trust, and what EPs he plans on putting in place is that you need to put this work on him.

See if he takes it seriously.
See if he puts thought and consideration into how he can make you feel safe.
See if he follows through on his ideas.

He has shown that his words and tears are insincere, but his actions will speak volumes to you.

If YOU put the effort into trying to figure out what would make you feel safe, and then YOU enforce the boundaries and precautions by checking up on him all the time, then you enter into a parent/child relationship with you being the police, always checking up on him and him doing nothing but trying to stay out of trouble. You cheat him out of the opportunity to be an equal partner in protecting and nurturing the marriage.

Make him shoulder this load and see what his actions say.
You'll know soon enough if he really wants to be an active participant in a healthy marriage, or if he just wants to cry and profess his sorrow until you leave him alone and quit bugging him.

Great advice Turtlehead!
I am too exhausted at this point to be a parent to my WH. He has confessed to the infedility. He is not as forthcoming with information but I guess that it will be revealed soon enough. He has set his boundaries...though I am not sure that they are enough for me...I need to see if he can fulfill his own stated limits. His actions will be what will help build back love and trust. I am giving him a chance and that is all I can do right now.