Thanks, remember you asked for it :MrEEk:

And down the other side I go. Big drop.

I just realized something. I am certainly not the brightest crayon in the box. This man, my WH, started cheating on me 2 years into our marriage. We were in the middle of MC with our first MC. There were several other MC's along the way. Never did it occur to him that HE had a problem. His cheating was my fault. He has cheated for 25 years. He left me daily to go to work and be a big shot then he came home, played with the kids for 5 or 10 minutes then went off into his own little world. I did all the work, all the parenting. Our Pediatrician had me marked down as a single parent and he KNEW my WH. For 25 years he was a big shot at work and paid for sex while pushing me off into the corner doing everything to maintain a family alone. I loved my kids and being their mother but that was all I had. Now, after getting caught he is here for me. Now after being retired and getting his honey as soon as that occurred he is caught and now back for me. NOW? He had sex every opportunity he had to go and pay for it then his 6 years with the last hooker he fell in love with and he left me high and dry to not only take care of everything but to take care of myself in every way that I needed and I sure was not getting sex from him. He was faithful with his last hooker for 6 years. No sex with anyone but her including me (I was so busy doing everything else and was so used to it that I noticed but did not think much about it, how is that for sick?). He was faithful to me for 2 years prior to our marriage and almost 2 years after we were married. Not even as long as he stayed faithful to his hooker girlfriend.

Now I am supposed to get the details of how all this happened from him. He starts in this morning to tell me and it hits me smack in the face. I am still getting the old "as far as I can remember" until I press several times then I get more truth. I just can't take this anymore. It has been 4 months and he has spilled out the worst stuff I can imagine (for me anyway) and he is still holding back and making excuses for a "just in case he forgot" scenario?

How have you all been able to do this? I feel so bad for everyone here, this is intolerable right now. How do you do this?

From one old RN to another - put your own healing first!

sss,

it is intolerable. I've used that word a few times myself this week.

I am sorry. I have no magic wand to fix any of this, just a big hug.

(((((((sss)))))))

It worries me greatly that GM is still the center of the universe. His needs/wants/tears/breakdown all take away from the loving care and attention you need right now.

Please, let us know when you become the center and the focus for healing. I just don't see that happening anytime soon. GM is still the center.

Kinda looks like I am going to need to. It is not going to come from anywhere else for a while if ever. Thank you. We old RN's spent so much time healing everyone else I guess we should be really good at it by now .

BIG PITY PARTY TODAY at SadSoSads place! Come one come all .

I have been reading your thread. I am sorry that you are going through this too. A big hug back. (((((((Chrysalis)))))))

GM is the sun. Everyone else orbit around him with occasional touches and contact. I have always told him that. I have asked him many times over the years why I was the only one in a neighboring universe that he would not let in.

Dunno if it will ever be different. He has tried but yes, he is in pain and that is really all that matters.

Dr. Harley told him that he had to tell me what his affairs had done to me, not his own guilt but what they had done to me. That should be interesting. I wonder if he gets it?

SSS,

Your marriage is one of the worst cases of mistreatment by a spouse (GM mistreating you) that I've seen on here. You are completely within your rights to walk away and never look back. Leaving GM's selfishness, dishonesty, and sense of entitlement *may* be the healthiest and sanest option for you.

However, you don't have to decide today whether to stay or go.
You don't have to heal today.

What you have to do today is take care of yourself, like Pep says.

Then you can see if he is capable of earning your trust and establishing new behaviors. Certainly recovery requires your involvement but make HIM do the heavy lifting and make HIM prove himself to you. Over, and over, and over again.

Ain't that the truth ruth.

I am actually an RNP and I see a lot of employees (RNs) in my day to day work.
And what I've learned is that so many of us (I do mean US - including me) tend to minimize our problems.

Me: "How long have you been having chest pain?"
RN: "Oh - I don't know. It's not that bad. Do I need to lose weight?"

:crosseyedcrazy: :twobyfour:

LOL.

Came at the perfect time as I got another nasty surprise.

Okey-dokey - I recognize a fellow girl scout when I read one
You see yourself as "a trooper" don't you !

This is the homework my MC gave me not too long after our D Day .... and I am passing it on to you.

Make a list of the times and the ways being "a trooper" has caused you harm!

Is it a virus or a bacteria?

The way I read this:

YOU told GM you did NOT want him to purge today

and he did it anyway....

Is that correct?

say wot? That is a new piece of data. :-(

At any rate, SSS, I do NOT think it is a great thing to totally vent here given your WH reads here as well. You are going to get a lot of answers saying "jump" when you are on this ledge, and he will see that too.

If you are going to split, split, but if you are here it is to Marriage Build and try to recover, IMHO. I suspect Steve would say the same.

Also.....I forgot about this, but right after my D-day I posted here and some of the greatest historial MB board advisors came back, since they knew me from years ago, and posted on a thread to me. I'll come back and edit in the link in a minute. I wish I had listened to them more and acted out less. I REALLY suggest you read it. There is some intramural spatting in the middle ignore that. Look at the posts by K, JL, Kam, and a few others...


Here is the link:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2109616&fpart=1

SSS

I urge you to use this board freely, as you see fit, and as it fits your comfort level.
If you deny yourself board support - you've put yourself way in the back of the line - again.

Your turn to shine like the sun!

SadsoSad:

I really hate to start a post this way, but I believe you WH is never going to stop lying to you. He is compulsed (wired) to bahave this way.
Even if he wants, or would like to stop it, it is doubtful that he can.

What, exactly do you get from this relationship? What good things do you get for yourself? What emotional needs has he even tried to meet?-- I'm talking about the entire marriage, not just since A's.

If you choose to put together a life with him- there are going to be many more untruths. On many levels - from little to big- whoppers to white.

I read his post- I was awestruck by his ease of manipulation. His level of illness is WAY ABOVE what can be handled here with MB's (this site is not for alcohol or physical abusers or other people who suffer from severe mental illness.)

I hope he gets an appropriate diagnosis. Personality disorders are terrible, and tricky to rehabilitate.

Talk to a psychiatrist about the realities about living with a person with a personality disorder. Get all the details so you can make an informed descision about your future.

I know this is a pro marriage site, I wish you well, and I wish your husband well- and good health.

I just worry about YOURS.

wot?


uh-oh....


ok, bye!

OMG you are TOO smart. Yes, I am a major trooper. This is most likely why everyone I have ever known has asked me to help when they fall apart.

Yes indeedy. I will work on that list. It is probably very important.

I am NOT going to be a trooper this time, it is not my job. He was just sitting here crying about it all, begging me to stay (I am really angry about what I learned today and it is bad enough I won't even share it here). He wants to know how to help me, how to heal me and he wants me to tell him. Like everything before now he wants me to do it and give him the credit for standing there smiling while I did all the work. I could see that if he ever tried to do anything on his own but I did not hold his hand when he wrecked my life and our marriage and I am not willing today to hold his hand and tell him how to treat me nicely.

Let's put it this way, I am very very very very very lucky it is neither one of those things.

No, not really.

Dr. Harley said we needed to talk about these things so that we could make a plan to stop this behavior if it ever came back. It requires me to know certain things I do not want to know and with that came some extra surprises that set me off.

This time it was not his fault but most likely mine for demanding honesty (that sounds really odd doesn't it).