I wonder if she would still qualify for her housing if she got too much alimony/maintance/assets from you.

Also I assume you have records of all the time you DIDN'T get access to your son. That in itself should show her instability.

Everything went as planned tonight. WW dropped off my son at about 7pm and agreed to letting me have our son until Monday morning at 9am. My attorney has already drafted the temporary custody agreement stating that we will have joint custody and set forth the times that I would have my son (Tues & Thurs overnight and every other weekend Friday through Mon morning).

WW said that she will sign it Monday and therefore end the need for mediation.

I couldn't be happier about how this has turned out so far. I feel confident that I will end up with at least this 50/50 arrangement with my son.

Now that I have the majority of what I wanted, I have to consider whether I want to continue the fight for full custody. There are pros and cons to ending the battle.

Pros of ending the battle:
1) No more stress of preparing for court
2) No more money spent on attorney fees and court costs
3) WW has already basically given in to a 50/50 arrangement with joint custody
4) WW may drop her demand for separate maintenance and 50% of assets

Cons of ending the battle:
1) I will be giving up the possibility of full legal and physical custody which means that WW and I will have to agree on decisions about our son's health, schooling, religion, etc and we'll have to agree on any temp changes to visitation in the future.
2) I'll be giving up the possibility of more time with son such as a 60/40 split arrangement.


One thing that I must consider when deciding whether to go for more time with my son is that he does have two other siblings that he loves and that I would be taking him away from. I know that siblings play a huge role in a child's development and I don't know if I should diminish that any further.

Also, I really don't know of any decisions, beyond the already fought over visitation schedule, that we wouldn't agree on with regard to our son's future. I would like to at least stipulate that my home be used as my son's schooling address which I think is important because OM lives on the other side of town where the schools aren't as good and I don't want my son going to school out there.

I'm at a delicate crossroad facing the issue of wanting my son to have a meaningful relationship with his mother and siblings but limiting or controlling the effect of the immoral and unstable actions of WW.

Those of you who have experienced more regarding joint vs sole custody, can you shed some light on reasons why I might want to have full legal custody or physical custody beyond what I've already mentioned, given my situation?

Everyone has given such wonderful insightful advice and encouragement. I don't know if I would have been able to stand my ground and play my cards right up to this point if it wasn't for your contributions. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

You're a good man, E.

Your son is lucky to have you for a dad.

Enjoy your weekend.

Make sure you put a statement in there that any move which will modify the current access schedule will be considered a material change of circumstance and be brought forth to the court for consideration.

I also recommend an arrangement where you have your son 5 days in a row so that things are smoother for him.

This would mean a Wednesday, Thursday arrangement versus splitting up the week.

It's an idea for you.

There's many advantages to ending the fight now with a 50/50 arrangement for you. The other 50% of the time could be spent in building your life back up.

I think you've secured a minimum of 50% of time with your son and won't get less if you go to court and stand to get more.

Then again, you can walk away with a good arrangement.

Take advantage of her desire to settle and sign and put in clauses which give you full custody if she tries to leave the state or gives you the final say in terms of legal custody if you two have a disagreement.

Tip the scales in your favor as much as possible. A smart lawyer will do this.

My ex did this to me and it took me a looooong time to get concessions.

So stack it up for you as much as possible. It takes a lot for her to change it later.

good news.

Unlike the snap decisions you've had to make up to now...the decision to go for more custody doesn't really have to be made immediately. Attorney's only cost money when the fight is on the docket...until then the case can just coast and you can delay, delay, delay.

During this delay you can document, document, document yourself (which costs you nothing). If WW hands you your case...by doing documentable bad things during this period you can then decide to undertake the cumbersome effort for primary custody. If she succumbs but keeps up her end of the 50-50 temporary deal....then you don't.

Time is on your side...wayward wives typically DON'T live up to the 50-50 deal. She will make it abundantly clear that OM is her priority and not your son. You will not give up a single day with your son...whereas she'll ask you to take care of son on certain dates she wants to spend with OM.


Consider putting the "right of first refusal" into the agreement if you think that will behoove you. The more terms in the temporary agreement the better as it affords you more chances to document her messing up. In addition, a solid agreement will enable you to actually go to Plan B and mimimize and/or eliminate all contact with WW so you can begin your healing process.

Mr. Wondering

p.s.- I just occurred to me...be prepared for the small possibility that she's playing you and doesn't really intend to agree to your terms. That she "gave" you the weekend and hopes to soften you up to accept HER terms on Monday-Wednesday next week. Such "terms" may only be monetary essentially asking you to pay for her giving you 50-50 custody. You may yet have to go to court on Wednesday so don't completely stop preparing until the ink is on the settlement.

What is "right of first refusal?"


I wouldn't be surprised if she throws something new at me. I'm on alert.

Thanks for your advice!

When she has your son, but wants/needs to go somewhere, she must ask you if you can watch your son before she calls a sitter.

What is happening??? Any resolution???

Mr. Wondering

I just got back from the courthouse. WW signed the temp visitation agreement! I got all the stips that I asked for:

1) Tues & Thursday overnights
2) Every other weekend: Friday through Monday morning
3) No unrelated persons of the opposite sex overnight with out son

I had my son this weekend and last night. I'll have him again tomorrow night and this weekend again.

My attorney said that he couldn't figure out why WW wouldn't let me see my son for 3 weeks. He said she was probably just acting irrational. Obstute observation.

WW was very friendly and happy that we have a signed agreement. She even text messaged me saying "I hope you have a GREAT day!"

She said that the visitation agreement was really all she cared about. The rest she is not worried about. She of course will recieve child support once I get all my financials turned in to my attorney but that is not a prob.

She compared getting the visitation agreement signed to having a baby--once the head is out, the rest just slides out... Except that there is blood everywhere, she said jokingly.

Anyway, I am relieved. My attorney said that if I am in no hurry to finalize the dissolution of marriage, we could just delay as long as we like. She doesn't seem in any hurry to finalize it. I'll follow Mr. Wondering's advice and establish the visitation and document everything for a while. I can breath now..

Whew...that coulda turned out a whole lot worse.

YOU did great. We may have directed you a bit with our advice but YOU did it. I can't tell you how many people show up here and don't listen. Listening and applying what you learned makes you unique and special. You should be proud of yourself for having survived this first big hurdle.

and yup, delaying costs you nothing. Just gives you a chance to document her screwups and establish a case for primary custody should you choose to do so. I thought of something...you MAY want to play along with her "friendship" and see if you can help her out from time to time with your step-children as well. Then you'll get visitation with all three and, were a battle to ensue for primary, demonstrate that you have full intention of keeping your son in contact with his step-siblings. Also as "frenemies", you'll likely get more information to document. She'll give you extra time, and generally let her guard down [remember to hide behind your attorney and not discuss your case at all as in you have no idea what your attorney is doing and don't care]. On the other hand...if you have any inkling of saving your marriage...any at all...you should be considering Plan B in a few weeks once a visitation system is in place and all have adjusted to a schedule.

Anyway...that 3 weeks she kept your son is still a feather in your custody case cap. IF she keeps doing stuff...you will likely find yourself with a rock solid case. Keep an eye on police reports and crime at her apartment place. If you ever pull in and cops are everywhere (even just a few or one of them), pull out, go down the street and text message her inquiring whether it's safe to come in there. You do this kind of stuff friendly like...with a smile on your face, never giving away you are battling her. In the above scenario, if she gets mad or upset you'd be shocked that she wasn't just as concerned for you son's safety as you were.

Anyway...Great job and keep us up to date.

Mr. Wondering

erichh,

You got a fantastic deal. This really is the worst you can do now that you have it and have it made official as a "temporary order".

The difference between what you had before and what you have now is that you have an order you can point to the order and show it to a cop if she denies you one of your nights with your son. She can't do that now that you have an order and will pay a steep price if she tries.

Her response is a bit creepy. Breaking up a marriage and working out a custody arrangement shouldn't be some celebratory thing.

She's really messed in the head.

But you now have a fantastic opportunity before you to take advantage of her sense of security if she is going to start playing games and keeping your son from you.

Continue documenting and continue keeping your guard up. Befriend her to a point where she will give you your son even more than what you have him right now, which will show proof of you having primary if she starts giving him to you all the time.

There was a case my lawyer worked where a woman gave her kids to the man every single day from 3 PM till 8 PM. She would pick them up so he wouldn't get the overnight credit and would keep getting the child support. He provided the documentation that he was watching the kids this much and every day and got custody of the kids as a result.

The game isn't over, my friend. Keep your guard up, keep documenting, and let her get a false sense of security.

She'll hopefully be civil and live this temp agreement, but be wary and be careful.

If you want primary custody, all you have to do is go over to her apartment on the weekend she has the kids and take a photo of OM's car at night and then again in the morning. That is unless she brought the whole family over to OM's place. A judges order won't get in the way of "true love."

Great news regarding your son!

Her seemingly lax attitude leads me to believe she will make more mistakes that will help you regarding going for full custody. She seems to think it's all over, well it ain't over till it's over!

My exWW did the same thing, after I was awarded primary custody at the initial court hearing, she kept on messing up and digging herself into a hole while I kept dragging my feet and delaying. It was like her sense of entitlement increased.

Like Mr. W said, it costs you nothing to delay and can only help you in my opinion.

Glad to see things went pretty smoothly for you erichh. With any luck, WW will screw herself over and give you all the ammo you need to seek full custody one day.

Congrats, ericch. You did what was right for your son. Way to hang in there.

Thanks everyone for your advice and cheering!

I think I can play the role of "frenemy." I'm going to hunker down and document for the next few weeks. I was thinking today that I am so happy to have a 50/50 arrangement, especially after not seeing my son for so long. I'm loving it. After some time passes and I get used to having my son around again, I'll be able to make a well thought-out decision of whether to go for full custody or not.

Ex-H called today to find out how everything went. He's been cheering me on as well. He congratulated me. He also told me that his daughter doesn't like OM at all. His daughter doesn't even like going back to WW's apartment.

Apparently, my step-son and step-daughter sleep in WW's bedroom, my son sleeps in the other bedroom by himself, and WW sleeps on the couch in the living room.

When I was dropping off my son the other day, I saw a document on her entertainment center with the heading "lease amendment" but I could not see anything else that was on there. I asked ex-H if he knew what this might be and he said that WW was on a waiting list for a 3 bedroom apartment in the same complex and that is probably what the lease amendment is for...

If WW gets a 3-bed apartment, that might help her case a little. But I'm not too worried about it because it's another MOVE in a short period of time which is more instability for these poor kids.

Today I attended a mandatory parenting class that our county requires all divorcing parents to take. One thing bugged me. There was a short video segment shown where a judge was explaining that it is better to give in to a less-than-perfect co-parent than to go through a custody battle. He said that the damage a custody battle does to the children is worse than the damage done by just giving in to a less-than-perfect parenting plan... Not sure how he can say that when each scenario is so different. Kind of bugs me.

Anyway, i am so relieved. I will welcome this break from the stress and enjoy my son and proceed with caution.

Thanks again to everyone.

Your step daughter will have a say on custody very soon. She'll likely move back in with her dad. Why?

Because it looks like she's getting fed up with the contant stream of new dads and the moving from one place to another.

Sad.

Oh brother. :RollieEyes: I guess if you're the party getting the short end of the stick, you're just supposed to suck it up out of guilt for damaging your child. Nice.

Yeah, people with law degrees are the most qualified people to determine what is best for your child. Another example of the indoctrination of a secular progressive agenda. They've got our schools, our courts, and our media.