I'm starting to get that.

karmasrose:

I know that. And, where we live is, in reality, a pretty small community. I run that same risk every time I go to the store or, for that matter, leave my neighborhood. Not meant to be a flippant answer, just fact. Except when I go to work, I almost never leave home without Chrys.

Unfortunately, I have no choices at this point but to take call at this hospital. The former AP is by no stretch of the imagination a night time person, so the chances of running into her are exceedingly small. Fortunately, for what it's worth, I'm only on call about twice a month. And the number of hours I am on call will diminish dramatically on February 1.

Hi Chewie,

It is not your posting schedule that people are interested in, it is the quality of the content of the posts.
From what I have read today, you seem to be posting the sort of details that the people on here are wanting.
The important thing is this ARE YOU MAKING PROGRESS? If you can honestly answer 'yes' and if Chrysalis answers 'yes' then that is what really counts.

This is a bit of a concern, are you and your wife sure that this is a solid enough arrangment? Is there a more failsafe way of dealing with this situation? And what happens if you get called in for something urgent? Do you make them wait? I don't mean for that to sound nasty, I am just curious, partly because I do not get the option of waiting when my pager goes.

Now I know that it is not by free choice that you are posting here, the same is true for me as well, it does take a little getting used to, having strangers posting to you about a situation that you proably didn't want to share with the entire world. It is the nature of a public forum, there are going to be plenty of people offering there take on your personal situation. It is important to remember that most of these people have been through their own A and have insights that can help you. I'm not trying to say that we are all the same and that every A is exactly the same, but there are lessons, hints and gems of wisdom that you can pick up from these people, I urge you not to miss that possitive aspect of these posts.

You made a comment in another post about alcoholics and drug addicts and how you have you have thought of them as weak or hopeless for not being able to kick there addiction (it was along those lines), then you compared yourself to them - I do not know if this is a new realisation for you, but it is brilliant! You have admitted that you are addicted to the rush that you get by being in contact with OW, now all you have to do is beat the addiction. I don't think I have told you anything you didn't already know. That same knowledge of MY addiction is part of what keeps me firmly in NC. I have to admit that I feel a bit like a student trying to teach, I ended my A 6 months ago, I have not made it any further through a period of NC than you have. You have been doing MB for longer than I have and you probably know more about it than me. But if I write one single line here that helps you and your wife to get your marriage back on track then that will be great.

I agree with that, each of us has different experiances as we grow and live. Each experiance becomes part of who we are, and each new experiance is weighed up against those that have gone before. No two people have the same set of experiances in live so each person will feel differntly to any given situation. However, there are enough similarities in most peoples past experiances to be able to get a general idea of how a person is feeling about an event.

Well the sun has sunk below the horison and the power station will be closing down for the night soon so I had better get this sent before the lights go out for the night. Only joking, I just need to go to bed and lie down, we all went water skiing today now I hurt in some interesting places.

Have a good day,

This is a bit of a concern, are you and your wife sure that this is a solid enough arrangment? Is there a more failsafe way of

I just read the post about your on call hours reducing from February, that is an improvment - improvment is good.

good night

Actually, IT IS possible to know how Chrys is feeling or thinking....and that would be if she were to turn the tables and do this to YOU.....

And since you have such a WONDERFUL AND AMAZING woman by you side that will NOT do that to YOU, you had BETTER find a different way to aquire that empathy......or you WILL lose the best thing that has ever happened to YOU.....

Sorry if this comes across as angry or beligerant, one of those posts you just "ignore", but it really chaps my behind to hear YOU say this.......

But this puts the decision onto your wife. If you want to attend the MB weekend or talk to the Harleys show change and commitment to your wife by booking the MB weekend/scheduling an appointment. Ask that your wife joins you with the intention of attending even if she doesn't.

Asking versus doing - there's a world of difference in that to your wife. You will be showing her by actions rather than words. You will be leading your recovery and doing the heavy lifting. That's what she wants to see to start to feel safe and cherished by you.

Chewie,

You need to reach a point where you are "doing" because it is right, not because Chrys wants you to do it.

That might be what was missing the first time around. You have to fix this for YOU (plural) and not just for her.

What she needs to see is action, movement in a specific direction, progress...If you book a MB Weekend she will probably go. If not you will learn a lot about what to do when you get home. You have been living from a position of not making her mad. In order to do that you have kept things from her. That is what got you into this mess.

As long as you have to ask her what she wants so that you don't do the wrong thing, you are not acting but reacting. But it also means that she is responsible for the way you act and THAT is what has to change in your mindset. YOU are responsible for your own actions, reactions and thoughts, not your wife. What has to change is INSIDE you, not outside.

A word that gets thrown around here a lot is the word "repent." Many describe it as a change in direction, a turn-about in actions. And it is that but is more. The word comes to us from the Greek and is made of two parts, "re+" which means the same as it does in English; "again." The second half of the word is from the Greek for "head" or "thought." The word literally means "to have a second thought."

True repentance is a change in actions but also a change in the way we think. In fact it is a change in the way we act BECAUSE we think differently. Changing the way you act because your wife wants you to is good. Changing the way you think so that you DO the right things whether she has any input or not needs to be your goal.

There is nothing your wife can do to make you remain faithful. That is something you have to do. It has to come from inside of you and keep you on-track when no one is looking, when Chrys isn't checking up on you and only you are in the room.

The opposite is also true. Nothing you can do can keep her faithful. She has to so that herself. She has done it by protecting your marriage, you and herself, not out of any fear that you would find out but out of a desire to make your marriage important.

You have to reach that point, Chewie. You have to place protecting Chrys, your marriage and your own thoughts above self gratification or current desires, not because someone might catch you but because it is what YOU want and need to do.

That is how a WS earns the stripes and becomes a FWS...

Mark

Maybe they have ice carving competitons you can see while you're there. lol

tst,

GM and I were just wondering if we stayed an extra day after MB weekend what we might do for fun! Now we know .

Chewie,

GM is just beginning to learn about the doing instead of saying. Just one or two small things, although tiny yet, have made a world of difference in my comfort level. Today he began a large thing, the post nup that I always disagreed with doing. I am kind of surprised at how much safer I feel. If you are like he is it is hard to even think of how to begin. You are both Dr.'s and used to doing so it seems it should not be that way but it is. Maybe the two of you could talk and help each other? Dunno, just a thought.

I adore your wonderful wife, she is very special.

I see from your wife's thread that you have a lot on your plate. Hope you can get some rest soon and give an update. (I know, just what you want to do in your spare moments).

not2fun:

No, actually there was nothing angry or belligerant about your statement. And you are right, Chrys would not do that to me.

believer:

It's a busy weekend ahead, but a high priority is digesting and responding to the insights you and others are sharing.

Flick:

I can't ever guarantee that I won't have to go in urgently, and that is a concern, but it has not happened yet. Fortunately for my situation I am not, like you, a "first responder". Most of my calls come from the ER, and the patients have already been seen and stabaliized by the the doctor there. If someone is still critically ill, I will probably be calling consultants (cardiology, pulmonary, et al), and many of them are already there and will see the patient. So I usually have the luxury of some time.
You're right, it is difficult to become accustomed to having people I don't know offering opinions on my situation. Especially when a new party I have never heard from before pops in and makes a comment that makes it clear they have been following the whole thread. Sort of like living in a glass house, you just assume there are lots of folks watching your every move.
You have been helpful. It's good to have input from at least one person who I can associate with a face and a setting.

Mark:

I used to be able to anger my daughter by telling her that we have the opportunity to get up every morning and decide what kind of person we want to be that day. In fact, I think I could still anger her by saying that. Nonetheless, it is true. I can start each morning deciding that I want to be a person who loves and protects my wife and does what is positive and helpful to our marriage. Or I could, as I have so often in the past, choose otherwise. But that doesn't lead anywhere good for anyone. I, just like everyone else, am responsible for my actions and their consequences.
Regarding the MB weekend, I certainly do not think it would be helpful for me to go off by myself to Wisconsin at this point in our recovery. If I'm going to go, it's going to be with Chrys.

tst:

Not to get too far off track, but there's a reason I live where I do. And I'm always wondering if there's someplace further south, and warmer. My daughter will tell you she spent her entire childhood without seeing snow, and that it was my doing. It's not true, but that's her perception.

Chewie,

My apologies for taking so long to reply. Have not had a lot of computer time the past few days. You and Chrys are definitely worth the time.

Let me start by saying that I am a STRONG believer in the difficulty of genuine communication, especially with the written word. It is SO easy to misunderstand or misinterpret when there is no tone of voice or facial expression to accompany the thought.

The statements of yours below are some examples of what I mean by "haughty".And by haughty, I mean that you seem to feel a superiority to others. I know I could be wrong, but again, this is a struggle that my H has, Some days he sees it, other days he doesn't. I believe it is at the root of his inability to empathize, not just with me, but with other people in general.




In and of themselves, there is nothing wrong with the words. It is the attitude that seems to come across with them.

I have to suddenly sign off here. I am sorry to cut off without more explanation. If it is interesting to you ,I will pursue this some more. If not, I at least wanted to let you know why I thought the word haughty applied.

WH2LE:

Thanks for responding, I was genuinely interested in your opinion. I guess I can see how any one of those statements might seem "haughty". One of those statements was made in anger, and I become sarcastic when I am angry. One was a statement of my opinion on an issue, and I don't think that opinion will change. And the third was just an affirmation that I understood the concept to which the writer was referring.
I have no conscious awareness of feeling that I am superior to anyone else, and heaven knows I have flaws that someone could write entire books about.
Sorry you had to go suddenly, hope everything is ok

S:

I would be happy to be in touch with your husband if he is interested. Is he on line with MB?

Good Morning Chewie,

Crysalis has my email address. If you are interested in contacting Flick off list, I can pass it on to you thru her.