SSS,

Actually, the inital gut-wrenching post I made here d-day also had some awesome advice from those guys. I'll come back and put the link in in a minute.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubb...in=152242&Number=2105707#Post2105707

And now you have Melody - another wonderful poster.........

p.s. SSS, I wanted to also clarify that Steve Harley is not a doctor. He is a licensed marriage counselor. His DAD and SISTER both work with him and they are the doctors. Dr. Willard Harley is a clinical psychologist [he runs the weekend seminars and the one who would oversee your program] and Steve's sister, Dr. Jennifer Chalmers, is also a psychologist. They all run the Marriage Builders program.

I will add that Steve is an outstanding marriage counselor, IMO.

Thanks, believer.

Thanks all. I will be back. My houseguest is home so I can't post now. I just wanted to say thanks, I will respond later AND THIS>>>>

I just signed off on a No Contact Contract that was faxed to Dr. Harley for any circumstance OW might try to get with WH. It was written by WH. I did have to take out all of the "to the best of my abilities". Really? If she comes up to him in a store the best of his ability to turn around and leave had better be the only ability he has.

He is also going to go find out tomorrow how to break our trusts down so that he can do a post nup that will protect me and allow me to stay at the farm without losing everything.

I am a totally schizophrenic. He is good/he is bad/he sucks/he is being sweet! Darned rollercoaster.

Later and thanks!

Each of us has had a phone session with Dr. Steve H. already. Friday we each get half of another.

I have to say, I was totally impressed at his ability to put me at ease. I did not even cry, it was that easy and very helpful.

"He is also going to go find out tomorrow how to break our trusts down so that he can do a post nup that will protect me and allow me to stay at the farm without losing everything."

Very good!

Thanks Melody. I still called him Dr. Harley in my response. He was excellent and I am looking forward to more opportunity to learn from him. I am so glad I found this site and then that my WH found it all on his own.

I am glad you found this site, too.

I'm glad that you saw in my post my concern for your future well being.

Let me say to you, I know a "little bit" about ASPD (anti social personality disorders) and my concern is that, and as a nurse you know this- there may be more going on in your WH thinking than is obvious now.

If indeed this is true, you realize that his behavior has nothing to do with you. Like I said before, he may be hardwired for telling untruths. To what level (or if this really is his infliction) is up to the doctors.

These people are:
Extremely intellegent
Extremely Personable
have huge egos.
Show/have no compassion for the effects of behaviors on others.
They also exhbit these behaviors over a long period of time.


These people:
Lie over silly things.
Hide certain truths from one person, different renditions of the truth from others.
Do not appear to have real shame (as it is percieved by a normal standard)
Will keep up one story as long as enablers> sp? allow. Then adapt to please the enabler- and continue until that story hits a wall. Does any of this sound familiar?

This site is a posting for all opinions, Not only am I concerned with marriage building, but I am concerned with the individual people I "meet" here.

I know I am taking you to the extreme side, I hope that I am 100% WRONG, BUT if you love your husband and want a future together--this very well MAY be something you have to contend with.

Laugh - or make stupid "one liners" at me all you want- I would be remiss not to give you my honest opinion. Now having done so--I will not post on this thread again.

By the way... I have over

20 years experience working with/evaluating "at risk" population.
some criminal justice background.
Best friends include school social worker and the school psychologist. They have absolutely amazing insight.
I also have family (sister in law) who has destroyed every job, relationship and connection she has ever made, due to ASPD. Have been watching this go on for 25 years.


IMHO;
You are on the tip of the iceburg. There will be more lies.
This is just not about 50 prostitutes>sp?. This behavior may or may not just stay in one area of a persons life.

There will be more "truths" uncovered. It may be harmless, it may be devastating. You are going to have to decide if this is going to be "o.k." with you. This site will help you, no matter what you decide.

Good luck to you.

Barbiecat

I do not see where I laughed or made a stupid one liner. I took your post very seriously. I have been warned of this before and I appreciate you doing this and giving me information I need. I just re read my response to you. You must have misunderstood my intentions or is it possible you read something I wrote to someone else?

I will go back and check myself but I assure you I did not take you or your advice lightly.

Peace

Thanks Mike.

I hope you are having a good day so far.

See, I can learn to do new things! I followed the advice and learned how to make a box, I think.....will see in a moment.

I do plan on getting back and answering everything posted last night. I will use the boxes .

Thanks for all the links, they are very helpful.

Barbiecat - I think you provided excellent advice. Mike, SSS and I just try to keep things light sometimes. I hope you will continue to post your view.

QUESTION

After reading all this time and then seeing another thread today about the WS needing to do the work of healing I have a question.

We are planning on going to the next Marriage Builders weekend. Steve seems to think we would be ready to really get some personal use out of it if we keep working the plan and we are doing that. I keep reading that the WS should be doing all of this since it is what leads to healing. I just told GM if he wanted to go he needed to set it up, make the plane reservations, get the farm sitter reserved etc. Am I right about this?

One MC a long time ago told GM that he needed to take me out on dates, something he could do for me. GM would tell me he would take me to a movie on a certain evening if I found the movie I wanted to see and he agreed, if I found the babysitter and made the dinner reservations. I don't want to go back to the time that I did all the work so he could be the hero. Needless to say, we never went on those dates because if nothing else I am stubborn as a mule and did not consider that him taking me on a date. I am thinking this is somewhat the same. I made the appointment with Steve, not that any of this is difficult but still..... Am I being stupid here?

Wow, believer. Thank you.
I'm vacillating between preening and freaking out at the prospect of trying to live up to that compliment. It means a lot, coming from you.

SSS

Recovery after adultery is hard. Make than damn hard.

My H was unfaithful after 14 years of faithfulness. His A lasted 2 years. There was one OW. He stopped all contact and confessed to OW's husband right away. He stopped drinking the day after discovery and joined AA not long after.

.... and even with all those efforts - recovery was hard hard hard.

I am writing this to say, do not anticipate a recovery timeline like ours. I had to reconcile 2-3 years of our marital history, not 26.

You mentioned that you'd not had sex with GM for 6 years. The previously mentioned poster "K", in his decade long recovery, has still not had sex with his wife. K says he is happily married, and I believe him. However, there are few people who would tolerate such a recovery scenario. There are other recoveries with chronic conditions and limitations that look intolerable to some of us, but not to the spouses involved.

Here is the secret ~~~> know yourself. Fix whatever brokenness you discover within yourself that you decide needs fixing. After you do that (takes about 2 years by the way) you are in a better position to make a decision about what you will and will not tolerate in the future.

I'll just share with you what I discovered about myself, as an example. My qualifier was respect. I refused to remain married if I could not recover the lost respect. I decided that if I did not respect H , I would not remain married to him.

Your qualifier will be yours. Mine was mine. K's was K's. etc etc etc

The first step is getting back to YOUR core - NOT GM's core - Y O U R S

When you read advice about marriage recovery - look at people's timelines and their stories. Have they been in recovery 6 weeks? 6 months? 6 years?

Try to figure out what that BS's qualifier to stay in the marriage might be. Earlier ForeverHers was mentioned. He is a highly religious man who's core value was marriage as a pact with his God. I doubt he'd divorce under any circumstances. In fact, he too was in a sexless marriage recovery for about 6 years as well.

See, you're not the only one.

Decide what is important to you. No one else.

100% NO

True, but 90 percent of WW are not repentant at d-day (according to Harley), so BS usually has to tote the water initially. You seem to have a repentant and motivated spouse in GM.


I told WW as a condition of returning she had to handle scheduling MB counseling and read through the material I suggested.

Not saying that is right, it is just what I did :-)


General comment, going forward, making the *right* decision, not one that gives payback for the past.

PS - this was MOMMIE behavior

do you see it now?

I think this is very wise. GMs actions will tell you much more truthfully than his words how committed he is to recovering your marriage building a new marriage with you.

I think you were possibly foolish in the past for not making the arrangements. Were you working outside the home at the time? How long were GM's hours, including commute?

If he was working 14 hour days and facing a 45 minute commute, and you were a SAHM then being stubborn and refusing to make the arrangements was cutting your nose off to spite your face.

On the other hand if you were both working outside the home and he was coming home to putz around in his workshop while you fixed dinner, and then he sat down to watch the news while you got the kids bathed and into bed then by golly YES he should have been making the arrangements.

Be kind of careful with this attitude though. It's not about keeping score of who does what and making sure everything is balanced and even. It's about both of you always putting the marriage first.

What an AWESOME post!