Yes, I had hope for the "habit forming" side when we were MBing....I am not sure behaviors are stressed by this new counselor. I am seeing her in a few hours...

The thing I found as a BS is that I feel like I'm begging for crumbs. A peck on cheek, unbidden, puts me in a good mood for half a day.

When she leaves for work without saying goodbye, I SEETHE all day.

However.....maybe five times total she has done that in five months, taken off for work without finding me and kissing goodbye.

-- Once I found a note downstairs saying I was sleeping so soundly she didn't want to wake me.

-- Twice she called on her way in to work apologizing for forgetting.

-- Once she called from the driveway saying she forgot and asking me if she wanted me to park and come back up through the ice, upstairs, and kiss me goodbye. I said yes. Kidding.

-- The other time nothing, seething all day, there goes the new habits, falling back to the old withdrawal, yada yada. She comes in after work, big kiss, says she hadn't wanted to awaken me this AM, did I get her texts? No, but there were like five of them during the day worried that I was angered about no goodbye kiss. Hmmm....note to self...check your texts...

Mike,

Would you not count those 5 times some kind of improvement?

Last year at this time GM would spend perhaps 5 minutes a day talking to me and those times were brief sentences telling me what he was going to do then he was gone. He got into the habit of walking right past me to gather materials for a "meeting" (sometimes they really were) then right past me and out the door. I would see his car going down the road so I knew he was gone, where I never knew for certain. I would get really sad and cry. Now that is a huge trigger, seeing him drive down the road but at least he says goodbye and does not ignore me. I make it a point to get in his way when he is getting ready to leave, just be there to remind him that I need a hug and kiss before he leaves. I don't have to say anything anymore he does it. Now I can try not being in his way and see if he thinks about it. It was such a habit and I think it often becomes that because they just can't face you while having an affair. It may be they can't face you because they are afraid of blowing it somehow or it may be shame and guilt but I do think it gets to be a big habit with them. Like you said, back to those old habits.

I think that those 5 times your WW left she at least caught herself and that is an improvement, no?

Yes. Of course, the times she remembered as well.

My WW is a creature of habit, runs her life with lists and little paste it notes.

So she can retrain herself, and slowly has on affection.

Like I think I said, it is a FOO issue.

But my point is the cataclysmic effect these stupid little things have on my mood some days, positive or negative....

I tried that but I either lost my list or forgot where I posted the post it notes. sigh

The longer this goes I find that almost everything is cataclysmic. Good and bad. I am tending to even out a little quicker but I think that is the medication.

Let us know how your appointment goes today (I read it on another thread).

I'm bad with losing lists too. I think when you're new to recovery it's part of the process to have the doubts that you and Mike experience as BS. The thing (like you said) is to recognize how much weight you want to give the issue at the moment. If a WW spouse does 5 things right and one thing aggravating, is the one thing going to outweigh the other good five ones? I guess it may depend on what the one thing is, but keeping it in perspective will help minimize anger/frustrations.

G

Thanks Ggirl!

That perspective thing...Mike and others have been warning me to keep things in perspective.

I've never been good with perspective . Better be learning that.

I think it will help a lot once I get better at doing the things Pepperband told me I needed to do to learn about myself and what I want.

Funny, that is almost harder than all the other things that need to be done. I don't think I have ever really stopped and thought all that much about what I really want.

I'm definately more verbal about what I want. R has done that. I don't hold back. I've learned to stop and ask myself when things arise - what do I really want?. Eventually it becomes habit.

I have a question. By now y'all know how stubborn I am and I want to know from someone outside of myself if I am being belligerent and stupid or if this is normal.

When I found out about the 6yr OW (god there are so many how do I differentiate?) I also found out that she had been in my new house and they had tried (?) to do their thing in my sun room. I loved the sun room but could not go back in there after hearing about that. It simply triggered me. A friend of mine came over and we did a cleaning ritual of the entire house, sage smudge etc. That helped me a little but it was not until GM and my houseguest friend bleached every single inch of that room and the furniture and bought new plants and presented it to me that I could go into it comfortably.

Several months ago, not long after D Day #1, I was upset at GM about all the phone calls to OW that he made daily when they were together. Sometimes up to 25 in a day, mostly very short. I said he had to be just obsessed with her. He ended up dumping out a lot he had not told me before and one of the things was that he was calling to see if she would go with him hiking with our dogs. He does this most days going to trails in the area with them. I could never go because 1 person working a farm means 1 person working their a$$ off every single day. It made him angry that I would not go (he had no clue what I was doing) so he took her. I went with him after the first D Day only to find out he had lied, she had been there quite a few times with him. He lied because he wanted me to go and knew I would not if I did know. This just kills me. I do NOT want to go on those same trails (they covered all of them around here). He would LOVE for me to go with him. I would LOVE to go. I do not know if I could hike for 2 1/2 hours on a trail she had been on with MY husband and with MY dogs. Lord only knows what they did in the woods and where their special places were. I have the time now since he is helping me with the farm. I feel guilty about this. Maybe it is too early? Is this typical? Am I just being stubborn and pig headed about this? Does this make any sense at all? Dear Abbey can you help me?

Yep, a big part of my WW's time with OM was walking our dog in parks, etc.

And they had sex in our guestroom. On D-day I seriously considered throwing the mattress into the backyard.

I don't know why, but somehow the house thing doesn't bother me as much as it does some people. It was on the far side of the house from the family and bedrooms.

I guess it should bother me more but it doesn't. In fact I tossed her down there to sleep for three months on that mattress. I guess she had romantic memories for awhile, then she begged to get out of there when the fog started lifting.

The triggers fade after awhile SSS and some are worse than others. I mean, sure, I had to kill the dog, but the guest room thing doesn't bug me...

Oh Abbey! I KNEW you would help me .

I got a new bed outta this! They played house at the old house while I was working out here on the new one. He let me sleep in it for the next year and a half until I found out. New mattress, new sheets, comforter, pillows and I made him throw out all of his underwear. Yea, I know. :crosseyedcrazy: It felt good.

This house was MY baby and it is on MY farm and it was supposed to be our new start (ha ha I bought that). I did it alone and oversaw every nail that went into it so it does bother me but that is why.

Poor dogs, they always end up to be the ones to suffer.

EDIT to add: It was my work that I mean when I say the house is MY baby and it is MY farm but we are going to put everything together so now he has to help with it! I did not want to sound selfish about this and it surely does.

I did that, too!

SSS,

You will learn all kinds of ways to handly triggers. Some things you need to get rid of, somethings you reclaim. Somethings you change (like you did with the sunroom), and somethings you burn/tear up/bury, whatever.

Each and every trigger is different and what you do with each trigger will also be different......

For me, I had the trigger of his Porsche. Some would say get rid of it, but for me, after a couple of nice rides in, doesn't bother me in the least. There was a restaurant they frequented....I REFUSE to ever go there again. I found cards, emails, even the diamond necklace he bought her......got rid of it all.

Now, you have a little deliema in that these hikes weren't something you guys did together, so they weren't really "ours" in the first place. You hate that she went with him. Understandable. BUT......

Since you are here and attempting to recover, I suggest you go on those hikes anyway. It would fill a HUGE EN of his, which would only further his Love Bank with you. I know it will a trigger at first, but if you just face this and "reclaim" it, you will feel better about yourself. And in time (probably a very short amount of time), you will find that these hikes that could cause you such heartache, will fill you with joy because of the MEMORIES you two are making together......and that WILL stay in him mind.......

I know you THINK it will kill ya, but that which doesn't kill us, only makes us stronger.....

not2fun

Felt right and felt good didn't it!

I wanted nothing she had ripped off of him that was that personal in my home. Blech, it just made my stomach lurch (along with many more things).

How are you doing? I did check in to your thread. I wish I had enough knowledge to help but just know that I am pulling for you and wishing you the outcome that you decide you want.

What bugged me so much was that about the time this "non-sexual" A started, he went out and bought "fancier" underwear. I wanted it gone. Infuriated me that he'd bought it for her (still does.)

I'm OK. We shall see what the weekend brings.

GM bought different underwear as well but after 6 years I had forgotten until now. LOL. Sexy stuff for the girlfriend, not the old tighty whiteys. All gone now. He did buy the newer kind to replace the ones I got rid of. I like them.

You say "non-sexual". Do you think it was more?

I always have.

((((((Chrysalis))))))

I am so sorry. I don't know if an EA or a PA feel the same are the same or if either is easier to recover from and it does not matter anyway, they are both bad. All I know is the worst of it all is the lying. There is nothing worse than that as far as I am concerned. That is the destroyer. Damn, I really hate that you are dealing with that.

not2fun



See this is my problem. The hikes were not ours because I was not able to go (mainly because he refused to help me) so he did them with her and made the trails theirs. Those trails are "their trails" and it just makes me sick.

You are exactly right, it would fill a huge EN for him. I know that and I have resisted that and that is why I asked here. It seems very trivial but to me and to GM it is a big big thing.

He wanted to go to the far one tomorrow since we are going to have very nice weather. It will take about 3 hours or a little more. He is willing to not go if it bothers me and he knows it bothers me. I guess I can put on my big girl pants in the morning and say, "Hey, lets feed the horses, goats, dogs and cats and head for the trail." He will be very happy. I will be creeped out but that is a small price to pay since he has done so much for me this week.

mark the trail with your urine

I bow before your greatness!

I think I will actually put some in a jar (this is probably too gross so let me know and I will edit it out) and sprinkle it at the trail head and christen the darned thing the GM and SSS hiking trail!

Perfect!