You are right, because he knows it is bothering you, and is doing it anyway.

Just like if YOU wanted to go wild hog hunting with a bunch of guys, and he objected, and you went anyway.

Well, you are too beautiful and classy to do ANYTHING. You just sweetly let him know that your feelings are very hurt.

Then you mark it down in your mind.

Dating is preparation for marriage, to figure out what you do and don't want in your future husband. And, yes, to have fun too.

Be very particular, watch different guys through the next few years, and you will do just fine.

Always watch what they do, and not what they say, and keep that little list in your head.

For instance, when you get older and are picking out a husband, if you want a guy who likes kids, don't ask him. Invite him to do things with you and some kids, and watch.

Right now you need to be concentrating on school and your future, but when it comes to later, remember that guys seriously dating you are applying for the position of your husband. Be sure you are very picky. Girls always think that a good one won't come around, but yours is somewhere now, so take your time so you will recognize each other.

I agree with you T2LDD, guy time should be guy things -- football, cards, golfing whatever.
Going to a club where guys try to outdo each other with girls is a red flag. You are not controlling. He is saying you are controlling because he is using it as an excuse for HIS behaviour.

Do a 180 -- let him go, say nothing, and then leave your cell phone off for the next 2 days. Then when you finally answer say "was my phone off, whatever", but sweetly. Dont explain where YOU were.

Good luck.

You, sweetie, are great. Your letter to your dad took my heart and pulled it out of my chest. <beat, ow beat.>

Is it your Grad year? Junior? What a "pissah" that you have to be here, your fam sounds like, great!

Wow. Is there anything, advice I can give you? anything that will help? I see teenagers 45 + hours a week. <CRAZY AGE>?
Teacher of the year 2008-
What can I say, I like my grandma--just like teenagers...

Your mom is a TROOPER. NEVER forget that. She has thought of, tried everything. I wish you all well. You deserve to be happy.

But you...you iz just a kid.

You might not think so now, but at 40-- you will think so!

Keep being true to yourself. You seem to have an unbelieveable ability to understand what it is you want. Wow.

Neak's mama here. You can look at this old lady's advice from one of two points-of-view: (a) she's so antiquated that she can't remember what it was like to be young, or (b) the voice of experience. That's up to you.

But I'm going to tell you that, from everything I've ever seen in my interminable life, the very best effort to please you is most likely to come now, while you're dating, and not after you're married. Right now, when he's putting his best foot and best face forward, and he treats you with such casual disregard, you really shouldn't expect him to improve his attentiveness and caring later. Those are not good betting odds.

Too bad I wasn't around 40 years ago to give myself the same advice, although in all honesty, I'm not sure I would've listened. Too soon old, too late smart is how it worked for me. Hope you do better at figuring out life than I did!

tl

T2LDD, I hope this doesn't come across the wrong way, but I want to share something that was a core element of how I raised my D18. She's graduating this May. I've always taught her to look at the bigger picture. Logic. History. Human nature. Now if you step back and look at what people generally do in high school, you'll see two types of people.

Some will go through high school thinking every day is the most important day of their life. When a girl meets a boy, she's instantly wondering if he is 'the one.' She's in love within a week or two. She expects him to be in love. She expects him to subscribe to the same feelings and philosophies he does. So he goes along with whatever she says, because all the while he's thinking 'yeah, yeah, whatever she wants, as long as it gets me closer to getting in her pants.' Or he could be the one who needs to be 'in love.' Who becomes engaged in 8th grade and dates the same girl for 5 years. And they get married the instant they're out of high school. All their friends are there, enjoying vicariously the 'big moment.' Everything they wished for. Then the reality sets in. The fun time lasted about a month. Then they're stuck wondering what the h&ll they got into and how can they get out of it. So they have a baby, the OTHER big dream. Thus another divorced family begins.

Others will go through high school thinking that what the 'real' picture is - is life AFTER high school. That it's just a preparation time. That nearly every relationship - friend or boyfriend/girlfriend - in high school will just be a transient thing, something you never experience again once you all graduate and go your separate ways. Therefore, they learn not to take anything that happens in high school very seriously, because they know this probably isn't going to be the one friend they keep for the rest of their life, or the one guy/girl they'll end up with for the next 60 years. They have fun, but they don't put their whole happiness on the line for whatever happens in high school.

Most of D18's friends are in the first category. Life is just one dire catastrophe after another. A boyfriend cheats on a girl, she wants to kill herself (or him, lol). A girl starts a rumor, it's vendetta time. These are the kinds of kids who spend the rest of their lives living in the past, because they think high school years are the best years of their lives.

D18 is in the latter category. She hasn't had sex yet because she knows she'll never see these guys again; why risk pregnancy for a kid who just wants to get in her pants and can't possibly know true love yet? She doesn't take the other girls' cattiness personally, cos she knows these issues won't matter in a couple years, when they're off to college and working on what they'll be doing for the rest of their lives, and making new friends.

Phew! Ok, do you see what I'm getting at? I guess I'm trying to diplomatically say that I know your bf is important to you, but if I were to try to give you advice, the only thing I could say is that you are most likely not even going to be thinking about what's going on here, in another year. You'll be too busy with college, new friends, probably a new boyfriend or dating several guys(!), a job and a more adult life.

I hope this doesn't offend you. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with your bf, or your relationship. But people are still growing and changing and changing their minds, well into their 20's, even 30's. So what you 'know' you want at 18 could be 180 degrees different from what you want at 25. When I was 18 I didn't know what I wanted to do, but all I knew was that I would NEVER work in an office! (have been in an office for 30 years - that's reality)

Because of that, I guess my advice would be tell him if going out dancing is what matters to him, then he is probably choosing that over you. And then if I were you, I'd invite your girlfriends out for fun on your own.

Oh, and turn your phone off for a couple days. ;

As a guy, I'll take a stab at this.

A man with good character qualities would not be going to a club to begin with, hence, you would not need to go over it with him so many times.

If he's been thoughtless over and over again, I guess my question to would be, "Why are you still with him?" I don't think you can expect his thoughtlessness to change.

Does this young man really have the character qualities you would desire in a husband and father?

Is this young man a Chistian?

T2LDD I am sorry to see another daughter here. But I tell you what, you learn a lot here - stuff you maybe didn't want to know I guess but I can tell you its really practical as well. especially as you travel along in life.

AS far as this boyfriend goes, well he maybe ok as a boyfriend for now but don't accept being second place. Yes you are not married and all that but still!!! Respect is your due as a girlfriend or even just a friend!!

I went through a whole bunch of gnomes before I found a 'MAN'. I even went through a stage of letting myself be treated less than I or anyone should accept. That was right around the time my mums affair was going on. That was a hard time and I was so disgusted with her. I had no idea what the outcome would be except if they split I wasn't going with her. Mum had bought her own ticket to damnation and I wasn't having any.
I also said a lot of things to her and called her a lot of names. Not that proud of that now but then I was SO SO angry at her.

She just didn't cheat on dad, she cheat on all of us including herself.

I watched my mum and dad fight for their marriage at home and on MB here, I learned a whole lot about what a marriage can be and should be, in fact what a relationship should be married or not. It really galvanised my own requirements for a boyfriend as marriage material. It also helped me understand what I had to be to be a good partner as well. Cripes I read half of the books from here too. So much just made so much common sense. I also learnt a lot about forgiveness and remorse. I grew up a whole lot. Well I'm still doing that I guess.

One of the things right now with your boyfriend is simply maturity. From what I experienced and I'm no guru, come on 21 isn't THAT old, guys go through this macho crap about treat her mean to keep her keen thing. A load of Bulldust. Yeah I fell for it for a few months with one jerk but never again.

I'm also very very glad I never had sex with any of the gnomes either. Didn't trust guys or any relationship either then, mums affair gave me a good dose of cynicism. THANK GOD.

When I first meet my husband - yep married can you believe it I still pinch myself - it was at a uni function in the club where I was doing a gig. Soon as I knew he was a soldier I just knew it was a no go for me, dad is a soldier so no way was I going down THAT path.

The sneaky bugger just swept me off my feet, he was kind respectful, funny, strong, determined, well I could go on and on The difference between the gnomes and a man were pretty obvious. I wasn't second to anyone - ok except the Army :RollieEyes: - and just like they say here we talked about what we proposed to do, going out, doing my gigs etc etc.
Most times we get it right. Though I get peeved when he says NO WAY sometimes. Oh well can't be perfect I guess. He really got mad when I went to entertain the troops when he was deployed though. thats on the POJA list now.

T2LDD you dont have to accept anything but the best, you can sort out the gnomes from the real men, no need to rush, have boyfriends, have fun, keep it cool as, until you discover someone who is worthy of you. And then be worthy of him, which I don't think will be a problem at all!!.

If anything 'good' has come out of this for us girl its that we have seen the gates of hell, we know what we DON'T want in our lives so don't accept scraps.

Of course even though I married last year it was only 10 days before my DH was deployed. He only got back in December so I'm a wife really of only about 12 weeks :crosseyedcrazy: I'm still learning a whole lot about being a wife. Man sometime I gotta learn to keep my mouth shut. And apparently you are not supposed to try and manipulate your husband into making a career change even if it keeps him home and safe. Who makes these stupid rules?

You keep your integrity and don't let anyone talk you into accepting less than you deserve. I can only add your mum must be so so proud of you!! You go girl.

MB is getting to be a regular family hangout, isn't it?

tl

Hi ya "nana tl" !!!

So, when you turn 18, suddenly you will become worthy of respect?



On that magical day, you will become worthy of being treated with dignity?

But not now, because you don't meet the requirements of the club he wants to go to.

Let me think here.

He wants to go somewhere that you can't go. So, "See ya. You're being unreasonable and controlling."

Nope. Here's how *I* see it, DD.

He wants what he wants, and if you can't come along, he still gets what he wants. Too bad if you aren't old enough. He is unwilling to change plans, or attend a venue where you are able to go. Or, worse yet, he cannot just NOT GO at all, and respect the fact that his girlfriend is bothered and hurt by this behavior and interaction with competing women.

The fact that you turn 18 will not change his thinking. And it will not change his behavior.

It will only change his excuses for why you cannot go with him. Mark my words.


SB

yeah i talked to him about it...
he told me that he was sorry after i told him how i felt.. and he was yeah it was proabably wrong that i went with me not wanting him to..
he said that dancing when your young i'snt a big deal...
and he said he would have more fun with me if i would have went with him...and i said i would like it if he didnt go with out me at all..
and he said that was fair too..he said the only reason he went was because his friend kept bugging him about it.. and he never hangs out with his friends...

because single people do go to clubs....
and i said hey if you want to go hang out with guy friends thats cool.. just don't include girls...
and he agreed to that as well...

but anyhow...

my birthday is on thursday and im going to a club and he told me he had a surprise... so yeah im pretty excited...

hiiiii!!!