You sound like such a good man! Good on you for talking personally to your friend. And I'm glad that you feel you can forgive him.

What he did is the lowest of the low. Maybe now he and his wife will recover and he will leave your wife alone. That would be great.

He said he wanted nothing to do with my wife anymore and he realized how important his wife and his marriage were to him. When I forgave him I felt a peace and a weight lifted off of my shoulders. The change was so drastic I wanted to research it to understand what had happened to me. Here is my result.

Forgiveness
Posted by arsindelve, Executive Director, Delve Christian Ministries Devotional Options
For if you forgive others when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. - Matthew 6:14-15
"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you". - Lewis B. Smedes
Forgiveness is surely one of the most misunderstood concepts in Christianity. Despite the fact that we are all called to forgive as our Father in Heaven forgives, misunderstandings are widespread. In this devotional, we want to broaden your understanding of what it means to truly forgive.
As is so often the case, it's easier to consider forgiveness by taking a look at what it's not.
First, we have to acknowledge that forgiveness is not an emotion. It is a conscious choice which has nothing to do with how we feel. Forgiveness happens when we choose that we will no longer expect those who hurt us to repay us for the harm that was done. We choose that we will get on with our lives and no longer dwell on the hurt.
In past devotionals, we've looked at other, similar choices we are called to make which are often confused with a feeling. These include our choice to love our enemies, our choice to be humble and our choice to be thankful. Forgiveness certainly falls into this category. If we believe that we have to wait for our anger to subside before we can forgive, then we have the issue entirely reversed. The choice to forgive comes first; the soothing of our emotions happens consequently.
Forgiveness is not initially about the person who wronged us; it's about us. If we will not forgive someone who failed to meet our expectations, we start to change on the inside. We grow in anger and resentment. The quality of our own life continuously suffers and in this way, we compound the wrongdoing until it becomes something far more damaging than it originally was. One of the most important reasons we must forgive is that we cannot grow into the mature Christian whom Jesus is calling us to be with all that hurt and animosity building up inside us. Forgiveness is that act by which we release ourselves from our own prison of bitterness.
Forgiveness does not require that the wrongdoer apologize or is remorseful. It does not even require that they are aware of the fact that they hurt us. All that is required is that we simply say, "I'm letting this go. I will not let this incident change me in any way. I'm getting over it." What the wrongdoer does or does not do should make no difference in our decision to move past it and begin our healing. As we release them from their duty to remedy the harm that was done, we release ourselves from the burden of making them accountable to their responsibility.
Forgiveness does not mean that we forget the offense and it certainly does not mean that we need to stay in a relationship with the one who wronged us. If someone hurt one of my children, you can be certain that I would never forget and would never again allow them to be near my children. If it were a friend of mine who did such a terrible thing, then we could no longer be friends after such a violation of trust. Forgiveness does not require that relationships never change. It does require that we move past the incident in our hearts and that we refrain from dwelling on it.
Finally, forgiveness does not mean that the wrongdoer "gets away with it" or is "off the hook." It certainly does not mean that we condone what was done to us. Lewis Smedes explains,
When we forgive evil we do not excuse it, we do not tolerate it, we do not smother it. We look the evil full in the face, call it what it is, let its horror shock and stun and enrage us, and only then do we forgive it. "
Furthermore, our forgiveness does not prevent us from calling out to God and asking for His perfect justice to be done. A person who steals or murders should face the appropriate penalties under God's laws. Forgiveness changes the reason we desire that they should be brought to justice before Him. Before we forgive, it's natural to feel that they should be made to suffer just as they made us suffer. We want them to pay for what they've done to us! After we forgive, a transformation happens in our heart. We have released them from their obligation to us and so we can now pursue God's justice for its own sake, not for our own; For His Glory, not for our revenge. We trust their fate to God, content that they no longer have any obligation or responsibility to us.
Forgiveness is not easy, but it is also not optional - our Lord commands it in Matthew 6:14 as a prerequisite for our own sins being forgiven.
If you are having difficulty forgiving someone today, take a moment and examine your reasons. Is it because the hurt is so big? The bigger the hurt, the more devastating is your prison of bitterness and therefore the more important it becomes to let yourself out. Are you having difficulty because they have not apologized and show no signs of changing their behavior? Remember that your forgiveness is about you, not about them. Are you struggling because you are still so angry and hurt? The pain will not subside until you make the choice to forgive. Ask the Lord for the strength and conviction to emulate Him, and make that decision today.

I hope everyone here can forgive and free themselves from the prision they may find themselves in.

Does his wife know about his A?

The other guy's wife does know about the affair and they are in counseling to try to recover their marriage.

I gotta tell you, FcalSoldier ... I think you're way too early in this process to be "forgiving" ANYONE, especially the OM.

To me, this action just screams that your head is in the wrong place, and that you're tending to rationalize just "sweeping this whole thing under the rug", rather than deal with this for what it was/is ... a DOUBLE BARRELLED BETRAYAL.

Do you think you will still be able to have a "friendship" with OM???

At 18 months out, I have just recently "forgiven" my FWW (FogFree), but only after a lot of introspective soul searching and a HUGE act of Just Compensation from her, but there is NO WAY, NO HOW, and at NO POINT will I even consider "forgiving" the OM.

MyRev,

First, congratulations to you and FF. Your forgiveness is an important thing to her I am sure. It is a big milestone for you as well. You have done well and should be proud.


As for fcal, I think he needed to forgive to keep his sanity. He is in a position where all he can do is worry and fret about what is going to happen or has happened. He is setting down that which he cannot control, and gaining information to allow him to deal with what he can control: His decisions about his marriage.

God Bless,

JL

To forgive does not mean to forget or to let the other person off the hook for their actions. I in no way intend to remain friends with the other man. If you read the information I put on my post that I found after I forgave him you would really understand why I did it. The healing begins with forgiving and I set a prisoner free.....me. I have begun healing and am on the road to recovery. My wife on the other hand I have not told I forgive yet. I want to see her face to face and tell her. I am in no way sweeping this issue under the rug and in fact I am more focused and level headed about my options than ever before. I will be cool cunning and analitical of my situation and her actions and reactions. I will make my final judgement after a lot of observation and prayer. The thing about life is if you want God to laugh tell Him you plans. We make goals in our lives and we plan accordingly doing anything we can to reach them. What we should do is seek God's revelation and let Him lead us to where He wants us to be. God only intends good things for his children and will only lead you to good places that may even exceed you goal you would have set otherwise. So far I don't have a lot of money or a lot of friends, but I consider myself rich for the things and the quality of people I do have in my life.

You are doing very good, Soldier. To be able to forgive is to release yourself from being tied to the OM. As long as you harbored hate, unforgiveness, etc...you were tied to the OM and what he had doen to you. By forgiving him, you have let yourself walk away from all that he has done.

And remember, God says that if you dont forgive him, God will not forgive you! So, well done. And the peace that comes from that act, you now understand.

And yes, I also hope that the OM and his wife do save their marriage. Maybe they will now be able to repair it and since he now knows about MB and maybe they will use the info here to help.

Send "Surviving an Affair" and all of the books about emotional needs by Dr. Harley to your wife. Let her have the resources to begin to read and understand what has happened and why. It sounds like she got a mini clue just by what you sent her.

I would caution you that if you think you might try to work on the marriage, that you shouldnt just go dark right now. I would be reserved...but at the same time, at least begin a dialog with your wife. Remember what I said in the previous post...your path forward is clear...hers is not. So, as she tries to decide and move forward, if it is to be towards you, she will need to know that you are there.

So, while things are in limbo, keep working on you and allowing your wife to get some insight into who she is and why she has had these problems. At the end of this, if you and her decide to salvage the marriage and move forward, the issues within her would need to be addressed and both of you know that she understands them and can be certain that they are i nthe past.

But overall, you are doing great. Charlie Mike.

I still talk to my wife and on a daily basis. I let her know that I will be here and that we will figure all this out when I get home. Right now we are in a holding pattern in our relationship and are trying to each find out who we are. I know I have changed a lot since I've been here in Iraq and I don't intend to change back when I get home. I let my wife know that she may have to get to know me all over again because she dosn't know me half as well as she thinks she might. So far all is well and I will see up close how the situation is when I get home.

That is good. Now, stay calm, and sit back and watch her ACTIONS.

That's my plan. She has a lot of work to do and a lot of actions to take before we are going to be off the rocks. She has set an appointment with a counselor and I will see how that goes and will contact the counselor just to make sure she is in fact going. I will accept no excuesses for her not to make an appointment. Thanks for your support and I will be on to comment at least once a day.

Yes, no excuse to miss the appointment, and believe me, a lot of them do. Or they go once and refuse to go back. I really hope that she is serious about working on things.

I know it is hard for you, all the way over there. Stay strong.

Fcal--you still there??? Any new developments?

Well I don't really know what to make of what is going on at home. I got an e-mail from my wife this morning and she seemed upset. In her e-mail to me she stated that she got a phone call on her cell with the other mans work number showing up on the ID. She decided to awnser wondering what the hell he wanted and when she picked up she herd someone hang up. She trid to call the number back to see what the deal was and no one awnsered. Later she got an e-mail and a voice mail from the other mans wife telling her to stop calling her husband and that there would be a restraining order placed on her. This is the e-mail my wife sent me so I understand that this is just her side of the story. I am trying to find out what is really happening and some how I feel detached from all emotion about it. I'm starting to not really care what direction this whole ordeal goes in as long as it takes a direction. This is my update so far and I may end up requesting phone records for proof. As for my wife and counseling, she hasn't mentioned how it went yet and I have gotten no response from the counselor yet on if the appointment was actually made. I hope the counselor at least will aknoledge my e-mails at least with a simple yes or no. When I get home I just want the truth pure and simple.

Sounds like your wife tried to break NC and call OM. And, when he didn't answer, his BS confronted your wife about it. And, she is trying to give a legitimate reason for her calling OM (she was just returning HIS call) but this probably isn't the case. Getting a phone record is a good idea. Can you do this online? If it was a cell phone??? Most cell phone companies, you can view your bills online.
You should just ask her about the counseling session... Most doctors will not even discuss a patient because of regulations. (Not sure if her counselor is a dr. or not)
Just ask her if she went and how did it go? Get a phone record. Sounds to me as if she was breaking no contact. If not, then why the threat of a restraining order?

I read you loud and clear. I have told my wife that I can't believe what she says and if she is telling the truth she needs to give me the link and password to her cell records online. I am still waiting on the password and link and am curious to see if I ever get it. As for the counseling she said the counselor had a family emergency and had to rescheduel for tuesday instead. We will see if another event happens to move that date. At this point I am prepared for the worst and don't mind one way or the other how things go as long as I can figure out where I stand. Right now the only one I am taking care of is me and that is going to have to be it.

Here's a suggestion...

You know the OM's wife. Get a hold of her and tell her you know about the affair. Tell he how disgusted and hurt you are and that you would like to cooperate with her to keep them from seeing each other any more. Suggest that you will let her know if you find out that they've been talking or seeing each other and ask that she do the same for you. This is something that neither one of the waywards needs to know about. At least not right away.

BTW... How do you know for sure that OM's wife knows about the affair? Because he told you? Because your WW told you? I wouldn't trust what the two waywards tell you. I would definately make contact just to make sure OM's wife knows.

I have talked to the other mans wife and she told me what she knows. The other mans wife also told me about the phone call and the other man also e-mailed me telling me she called him and he wanted her to leave him alone. Everyone knows everything and it is all out in the open. The only thing to do now is to figure out what direction to move in and I really don't care anymore what direction that is as long as it is a direction. What sucks is I am all the way out in Iraq and have an 11hr time difference to deal with and can't really do anything about anything untill I get back home. My hands are tied with no trustworthy knoledge of whats going on and it sucks! I really don't know what I should do right now and this holding pattern of my choices is getting really agrivating.

Well, even if you were here, you would still have to wait and see what happens next. I know it is hard being so far away.

So far, the counselor "cancelled". That may be true, but we will see if she goes next week. Also you are still waiting for passwords. Let's see if those show up.

I think the OM may be trying to save his marriage, and wants no contact with your wife. Hopefully that is the case, because when the affair is over, and she has gone through withdrawal, she will be more willing to work on things.

You can better your position by reading all the articles here about how to have a wonderful marriage. That way you will be prepared to move on with or without your wife.

You won't be able to power your way through this mess, and if you attempt to do it, you will find you make choices early which you will regret later.

I found out about my XWs infidelity, and being an MD, thought, 'I gotta fix this fast'. I thought that the more work I put into it, the better results I would see. I kept thinking that something needed to be happening, and if it wasn't happening, I needed to be doing something else to be MAKING it happen. Most of the time, I didn't know what 'IT' was... and when I thought I DID know, I typically found I was mistaken down the road.

What I did learn is that every decision, other than simple self protection, when made in haste will typically cause you trouble down the line somewhere. The forgiveness is fine, but don't think that you have really forgiven for the last time. You will awaken feeling nauseous and hateful, and have to do it again. You will hear a name, and have to do it again. You will see a hair color, and have to do it again. There is NO MAGIC forgiveness which makes everything all better. So be prepared.

As for your Wife... you should really be in protection mode concerning your feelings. No matter her intentions, you are in for a whole world of hurt as this progresses. No matter the outcome. She will lie, because she has developed the habit of lying to you. Even if she doesn't want to, she will, because it is all she has in her toolbox at this moment. She might pick up some more tools as she moves along, but remember, when you are a hammer... everything looks like a nail.

Everyone in the situation about finding out about infidelity is extremely limited in what they can and even SHOULD do. You are even MORE SO, given your location at this moment, along with military commitment circumstances. So DON'T TRY to do everything to make it right. Give yourself some space... it really will be the best gift you can give yourself AND your wife. Let the immediate and horrific emotions settle down. Let your mind clear of the intense overriding thoughts and your heart begin to beat again.

Time is your best friend and worst enemy. You will have to learn to live with it on both terms.