Damn, I wish you guy's would post on my thread, and tell me I am a pansy, that would straighten my a-$-$ up real quick.

Zen, Please take their advise, you should NOT allow her to do this, you can not BEG her to quit having an affair, and you can not BEG her to come back.

Why would she, she still has you in her back pocket, and humping another man at the same time.

Yeah, I totally know what your feeling, and probably have done some of what your doing at the beginning, but my god man, she humping someone else, and humping you TOO.

How on earth could you even think of sticking it in there right now? Ewwwwwwww, have you been checked at the Dr's yet? I have both times, and I would advise you the same. Maybe not needed but gives you peace of mind.

Keep your weenie in your pants. I seriously can't see how she would even look sexy right now.

Ok I am getting off on a anger rant, sorry.

Ok you are a pansy.

just kidding...but i hope it helped.

Zen,

yeah take a friend if you can. I am not sure though about confronting OM in front of the WW. This is between you two, man-to-man. He will pose or posture in front of WW, that's not what you want and it could wind up with you in jail.

Perhaps wiser heads can weigh in on this before it's too late.

I have read the same before somewhere else. I only recommend to take a friend as a witness....not as extra ars whoopin! Violence is not the answer or what you are looking to do.

No to violence - what I mean by scorched earth is that I will spend my last penny in my attempt and expose to the world to break up an A. Even using a billboard proclaiming this man is destroying your family.


a simple question to the OM is what are your intentions with my wife. You make sure he understands if he keeps contact that you will always be in the picture even if its because of the kids. There will be drama in his future.

Well he wasn't there. I took flowers to my wife as a pretense for going to her work. She was all awkward and totally avoided me. I think my suspicions are confirmed that she's headed out the door. We'll see.

I have a new sense of empowerment which as welcome relief from the helpless anxiety of my last two weeks. Thanks everybody!!!

No no no, we made love many times while the affair was occurring, UNKNOWN to me. Jesus, that part of me is dead since D-day.

I too found this stuff out Zen!! Remember one thing....you are not crazy for what you are feeling!! Your WW may start to say this stuff. When she does....DO NOT show how hurt you are.
You start your journal yet?

Oh yeah, journaling has been one of the few things helping me keep it together. That and the control it takes to remain a good and patient parent to a 3 and 4 year old through this. I have felt utterly defeated with occasional glimpses of hope and strength. Today I feel like I've taken some steps to regain control of my life.

This week is going to be freaking CRAZY. One of the emotions she expresses best is anger, and I think I am about to see the pinnacle of it. If I was a bettin' man, I'd say this will send her over the edge and out the door. Buuuut, hopefully, it will help her hit bottom and see what her life has turned into. I will provide an open door is she wants to come back.

Good god this is going to be nuts. I am Steve McQueen, Charles Bronson and Gandhi all in one. Well, that's the goal anyway.

Zen,

I really did not mean to sound as harsh as I did.
I appologize, if I offended anyone by the "sticking it inn" comment.

But seriously dude, go get checked.

Not sure how many others have, I would, and have.

The last thing I ever wanted was to be seperated, and possibly heading for divorce. But her putting my life at jepordy because of it, is out of the question.

But then again, if I did not know she was with another man, it quite possibly be too late. Then I think she would be in serious hard times from me.

Anyways, keep the faith brotha.....You are NOT alone!!!

Exposure brings he power back to the BS!!
If she flips and leaves....she leaves alone. My W sat me down one day about an apartment she was getting for her and the girls. I stood up and calmly but win authority told her....you can go....this has nothing to do with the kids...this is their home and this is where they belong and are safe.

The bad part!!!!! She is still here!! Not for long I hope....our first temp custody hearing is this Wednesday.....Initiated by me! Keep up the journal....I do mine online so it can't be destroyed. Document everything....read my thread if you get a chance.

OK, some more advice sought:

I have put an end to the separation. I am not leaving the home. If wife wants to stay home, I will not tolerate an arrangement where she just pursues her affair right under my nose. Do I just make an ultimatum?

If you're going to stay home, you need to abide by the no contact rules. If you're not, then you need to find another place to stay.

If she refuses to go? Hmmmmmmmmmm.

Carp54,

Wow, your thread is exhausting. I have a lot of stamina for a long drawn out battle, but you my friend, take the cake.

I guess part of the goal in this is to know in your heart of hearts that you gave it your all for your marriage and your kids.

I could totally see my situation going down this path. My wife is a fighter! I'm not sure I'd hang in there as long as you are.

You ask yourself over and over, "How did our life turn into this?" Two months ago, this is the woman I would have told anything. Complete trust and comfort. This is gonna get lonely. Thank goodness for a lot of dear friends and family.

Zen

I have noticed that WW (at least mine for sure) do not or will not leave without the kids!! Men on the other hand seem to just split!! No one can force someone to leave....except for the law. As the man you need to keep your cool. My WW does not equate what she is doing as wrong so me telling her she needs to leave or stop her A has no effect at all. This is where your journal comes in. Everything that happens I document.
Have you seperated $$?
Utilities in your name, car ins, credit cards etc?
Have you consulted an attorney? Depending on your state adultery can be really bad.

More food for thought.

I started posting on the DB forums in august. I came here in mid December.
I have asked the same question in my head a 1000 times.
One thing I say to myself.....whenever I do anything.....how will my actions affect my kids?? I do not date, if I go out with friends I make them drive (no DUI for me), I NEVER drink at home.

I have tried to or successfully corrected anything my WW told me she disliked in the past.
My main concerns are my daughters....if my actions bring my WW back so be it.

zen, your instincts are right about this, you SHOULD NOT TOLERATE a situation where she flaunts her adultery in front of you and your kids. You can't throw her out, but you can ask her to move out because her adultery is too painful for you and the kids to endure. Ask her to have the decency to move out to carry on her affair. Encourage her to LEAVE if she is going to continue her affair from your home.

If she won't do that, then you would want to file for legal separation getting her moved out of the home. You would file for primary custody, possession of the home and an insertion that the kids are never to be exposed to her adultery partner.

To my amazement, we have situations here where WS have pulled this stunt of moving into the guest room, announcing they are "separated" and therefore entitled to act like they are single. It is the most amazingly brazen manipulation I have ever seen! Then they commence to carry on their adultery right in front of their own children and spouse. It is one of the cruelest things I have see in all my years here.

So, it will be up to you to ensure she doesn't you and your children in this way. Do not tolerate it! And if she calls the OM from your home, I would follow her around and say - right in front of your kids - "please take your affair conversation out of our home." Make it very hard for her to rub your nose in this indignity. Not to mention that it teaches your kids that wrong is right!

She will not respect you if you sit there and do nothing while she flaunts her affair. It is your job to cause as much confict in the affair as possible.

Mel is correct. I am living this scenario rite now....it sux!

WW thinks what they are doing is "ok" because they stay for the kids. In reality it causes more pain.

Yeah, I fear this is where I'm headed. She expressed extreme remorse when the affair was first revealed, but since then very little. I'm not sure decency is going to enter into her actions.

It's upsetting because I want the impression in her mind to be that I'm loving and forgiving, not trying to separate her from her children, which is probably how she will perceive this. Carp54, I suspect this is exactly how your dynamic played out.

I'm gonna trust you on this one guys and just play hardball. At this point the goal is to end the affair. Saving the marriage seems like a very slim chance at this point, but that is my goal, long term.

I'm only 2½ weeks in, so a lot will happen over the coming months.

Oregon is a no fault state, so my tools may be somewhat limited there. I'll check into the separation rules.

OK, email from the wife when I discontinued the separation:

1. thank you for the flowers - I was just a bit taken aback as I don't like bringing my issues to work with me. that and I was ridiculously busy. as it happened, the owners were in and asked about the flowers and I had to tell them. so uncomfortable.

2. I respect that you are making decisions that are good for you, but how am I supposed to get my time with the children? I was looking forward to my time with them.


This is my proposed response:

I agreed to the separation out of a desperate fear of losing you. I no longer fear that. Leaving my home while you carry on an affair is extremely abusive and disrespectful of you, and by doing it, I have displayed extraordinary neediness and co-dependence. I will no longer allow myself to be abused, and I won’t let my children live in such a situation.

It’s your decision what you want to do. I do believe that it is best for the children to have both parents in their lives. I think this current arrangement sets a terrible example and I won’t tolerate it any longer. If you want to move out, go ahead. We can talk about the children when you have a stable living situation and are making choices in their best interest.

couple changes:

I agreed to the separation out of a desperate fear of losing you. I no longer fear that. Asking me to leave my home while you carry on an affair is extremely abusive and disrespectful of you, and by doing it, I have displayed extraordinary neediness and co-dependence. I will no longer allow myself to be abused, and I won’t let my children live in such a situation.

It’s your decision what you want to do. I do believe that it is best for the children to have both parents in their lives. I think this current arrangement sets a terrible example and I won’t tolerate it any longer. If you want to move out, go ahead. We can talk about the children when you have a stable living situation and are making choices in their best interest. If you want to live here and agree to a plan for reconciliation, then I’m open to that as well.

I like the 2nd paragraph! The 1st one is soft.

Let some others see it also. I do all my posts from my iPhone so I can't copy/paste stuff....or have multiple windows open.