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WH told DD that he loves mummy very much and that was his way to fix it.

that jerk
so now it is YOUR fault that he is not home. After all, he told DD that he loves you, and he has a way to fix this, but he isnt home yet....that means it is mommys fault. More control. More mental abuse. Manipulating that little girl for his own jollies.

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but stable. I hadn't thought of it in the way you have explained and I feel so raw.

there is nothing stable about any of this.

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Should I be less nice when he visits?
He shouldn't be visiting your home!!
How long do you think you could carry on like this? This is not how divorced people handle child visits - and when you are seperated you need to come up with a schedule that would be similar to what divorced parents would have.

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They are too young to have visits outside the house

No they aren't too young.
It isn't the perfect situation for them - but none of this is.
He can take them to his parents house. Or he can get an apartment by himself, where they can visit.
THIS is the reality of his situation. If he is not going to be loyal to you,then he is not going to be married to you. And he will need a place to live, where the kids can stay with him on his weekends. He may as well start making those arrangments now. Because - he has not done ANYTHING to fix himself, or his M. He continues to do the same old thing. So he is headed towards D, and he needs to figure out where he will live as a single man.

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recommended by the family centres that the visits happen at home so they are not more confused etc.

this does not make any sense at all. I can only assume that they recommended this, without knowing the full story.

What do you think will happen if you get a D? Will he still come over for visits? And stay until midnight? What if you re-marry? Will he still come over then?
What if he married that little girl, the OW, that he claims is his BF? Then what? Will you still let him come over to visit? Stay until midnight??

You are seperated now. You need to come up with a plan for visition that will continue if you get a divorce.

He should not be stopping by to visit YOU. And that is what he is doing now. He hasn't done a single thing to fix himself- but he still stops by. That means it is only a matter of time until he gets angry, and violent again. In my opinion - he should not step one foot in your home. he should take the kids to his parents house, or he should get hsi own aprtment.

BUT

I know you won't accept either of those options. you are all ready making excuses.

So next I will say PLEASE go to a womens shelter, talk to someone in charge, Tell them EVERYTHING he has done. Do not hide any details. And then ask for suggestions on what to do for his visits.

Finally, if you insist on allowing him ti visit the kdis at Your home, then you give him a schedule. something like 3 days a wekk from 6-9:00. No mroe staying until midnight. he is there tov siti the kdis - and they go to bed at 9:00. As soon as the kdis go to bed - he is out of there.
Meanwhile, you are busy in another room, allowing him to have his visit.

and you tell him that it is not because you are mad, it is not a punishment, it is because you are headed towards D and need to start acting like it. You tell him that when he stays late, hanging out with you, the kids assume everything is ok, but it is not. He has not gottne help to figure out:
Why he keeps having relationshipw with other women
Why he keeps having angry outbursts at you

You NEED help!! Real help.

ARe you telling your parents that he is visiting? STaying until midnight? You are hiding it - because you knwo it isn;t right. you know it would scare them.








Married 18 years
D Day June 25, 2003
Divorced December 17, 2003

Newly married to a wonderful man!
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No, I don't have a therapist at the moment. I have not had any money for 2 months and am trying to build up my clients for the extra commission. THEN, I can see a therapist. It's looking like February...


BS 32 (1st marriage), WH 38 (2nd marriage), DD 3, DS 1
Married Aug 2002, EA/PA 2005, NC mid 2005
EA Jun 2008, Plan A, 1 Aug 2008, WH moved out 14 Sep 08, D-Day 14 Sep 08, Moved home 2 Nov 08, moved out 30 Nov 08
Plan B, 2 Dec 08, broken 5, 11, 15 & 17 Dec 08
Current Status: Contact for visitation, children and finances.
Embarking on a new plan to Let go and Let God and to not settle for less than I deserve!
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We are part of a much larger company and after a bit of research today, it looks like I might be eligible for a free assessment (subsidised by work) and then cheaper counselling sessions.

YAY.

I will phone soon and see how I go.


BS 32 (1st marriage), WH 38 (2nd marriage), DD 3, DS 1
Married Aug 2002, EA/PA 2005, NC mid 2005
EA Jun 2008, Plan A, 1 Aug 2008, WH moved out 14 Sep 08, D-Day 14 Sep 08, Moved home 2 Nov 08, moved out 30 Nov 08
Plan B, 2 Dec 08, broken 5, 11, 15 & 17 Dec 08
Current Status: Contact for visitation, children and finances.
Embarking on a new plan to Let go and Let God and to not settle for less than I deserve!
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2M2L,
I worked for many years with men and women who are in abusive and controlling relationships. Your posts are so familiar me as what people say when they are not ready to change the reality of their situation.
You can leave; you can go to a shelter; you do not need to wait until Feb or build your client base; or strive to decrease your WH's agitation to leave with little drama. I have seen women leave EVERYTHING, including their darling pets, and occaisionally, their children, to end an abusive relationship and protect themselves.
Yes, you will have to start over; you may lose a lot of your stuff and you WILL NOT BE ABLE TO HAVE CONTACT WITH WH while in a shelter. That may stop you right there, I don't know.
No choice you have in front of you right now will be easy or fair, but obliging WH will only enable his behavior. I have talked with countless men who have said that until they were charged with domestic violence and no longer had their spouse in their lives and did MONTHS of treatment, did they "get it." He is not going to leave you to the peace you desire, even if he leaves you and finds another, because until he gets healthy he will have the need to control the mother of his chldren.

I know you are raw, but you are not raw enough -- your statement alone about having "no worries" speaks to that, and I'm sure you feel a little beat up right now, but I respect a person's right to safety too much to sugar coat it. You CAN get away from him as soon as you want, but your life will change, be incovenient and you will no longer have the freedom to see WH when it suits you or, you think, your children.

No matter how hard it is to hear them cry for their dad, they are crying for an unhealthy person and it does them no good. If your kids cried for candy every morning instead of oatmeal, would you feel guilty giving them oatmeal to eat???!!! No, you wouldn't. They deserve a healthy dad, yes, but they need at least one parent who will protect them at all costs.

I do not think you are ready to make a move on this, but I hope you keep us informed and hear what people have to say. My fear is that you will "get it" when he has found another and takes your children to live with him and his new partner (which in the States in possible and I have seen happen), or when he gets physically violent with you.

You do not need insurance to call a woman's shelter; call them; create multiple plans for your safety and let us know how it goes. You should be a busy lady right now laying the foundation you need to keep you and your kids safe.

Take care,
BF439



Me:BS40
WXH:42
DD15; DS13; DD6
D-day:6/30/08 & 10/25/08
WH moved out 9/15/08
D: 1/15/10

"So take that look out of here, it doesn't fit you, because it's happened, doesn't mean you've been discarded." -- Big Country from "In a Big Country."
"Keep calm and carry on." -- Winston Churchill
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Thanks BF. I really appreciate your words and your support.

I have made an appointment for 22nd Jan (earliest available) and will start MY journey. My corporate plan gives me 3 sessions for free so that will suit my money timeline perfectly too smile

It's weird how the mind works but I really don't have any fear of him at the moment. I know that he can change in an instant, but it is so hard in this frame of mind to not feel like I am completely over-reacting.

Even when I re-read my posts I cannot feel the fear or pain. A bit lie child birth or that trip to the dentist. You know how scary and painful it was but you only KNOW that, you can't FEEL it and therefore it's like someone's else's story.

I feel happy that I have acted and thrilled that I thought outside the square and found something free instead of feeling disillusioned and defeated! Onwards and upwards!!!


BS 32 (1st marriage), WH 38 (2nd marriage), DD 3, DS 1
Married Aug 2002, EA/PA 2005, NC mid 2005
EA Jun 2008, Plan A, 1 Aug 2008, WH moved out 14 Sep 08, D-Day 14 Sep 08, Moved home 2 Nov 08, moved out 30 Nov 08
Plan B, 2 Dec 08, broken 5, 11, 15 & 17 Dec 08
Current Status: Contact for visitation, children and finances.
Embarking on a new plan to Let go and Let God and to not settle for less than I deserve!
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I am glad you have taken action

but

why dont you contact a womens shelter? I am not telling you stay there - I am just saying that you should call them,and ask for an appointment to sit down and talk to someone

You have 3 free appointments, which is nice, but that would barely get you started. And then what? In 3 appointments you won't even have time to tell your whole story, and then what happens for the next appointment?

also - with an IC, I hate to tell you this, but sometiems the first one you go to see is not the right fit, so then you need to try another, and possibly another. There goes your 3 appointments right there.

Go ahead and keep your apointment for the 22nd, and pray that this is the right person.

But PLEASE, for crying out loud, take the advice given to you by EVERYONE here and call a shelter.

In the 5 years I have posted here - I have never told anyone else to call a shelter, ever. But for all of us, reading your posts, it is obvious that is what you need to do. Yet you wont do it.

My biggest fear is that you will go to see this IC next week and you wont be completely open and honest. You will spend an hour saying "we are having trouble right now, but he is really a good person at heart, and I am just hoping to help him" and then you will get advice based on that. And you will come back here and say "the IC really thinks that I can help him through this'

But if you go to someone with experience counseling emotionally and mentally abused women, and you say "He hit me once, he kicked my bag across the floor, he sent texts to all of my contacts saying I had an A. He has a relatiosnhip with a 19 year old girl that he wont stop, he tells me our seperation is all my fault, he sends messages to my parents. he shows up at the garage where my car is parked, and leaves the wiper up so I will know he has been there. I changed the door locks, and he broke in, and later changed them back and told me never to do that again."
if you start telling all the details, not holding back, and not trying to sugar coat it, you will find out that you are truly in an abusive R. Just because you don't feel scared, does not mean it is ok. You are too close to this crap, and that is why you dont feel scared.

and I know you - when you go to the counselor next week you will try told hold back the details, becuase you dont want your WH to look bad.

You dont feel scared, because if he hurts you, then you can handle it
however
he an do things to the kids that will affect them for LIFE.



Married 18 years
D Day June 25, 2003
Divorced December 17, 2003

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hey - whats up?

How are you doing??


Married 18 years
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Divorced December 17, 2003

Newly married to a wonderful man!
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I signed up 7 bookings in the last week and a half for 100k. Things are looking up finally at work. I can breathe again.

WH has been great. He vistited with the kids on the weekend and stayed Friday and Saturday night. Before you cringe totally, my sister was there every night too so it was safe and ok.

WH got mad at me yesterday so I walked out - we'd arranged to meet to swap bills. We'd had a great weekend and H was breaking through. I got a phone bill of his and asked a dumb question and he got defensive about me going back to how I was etc.

I left. Within 5 minutes he'd tried to call me twice and texted me an apology saying he was sorry that he got angry. This might not sound like much, but I honestly can't remember him ever apologising for getting mad at me. He used to feel it was ok because it was my fault so therefore I deserved it.

He has found an anger management course and is interested. I haven't asked him about it, it's got to be up to him for change to occur.

My councelling session is tomorrow and I will print your paragraph so that I don't come out without mentioning the big stuff and gloss over it. I want to be authentic.

Life is great. I truly am living now with each moment for me and my kids. WH is being pleasant and I can deal with that version of him. I'm not making any decisions or floating with the stars. My feet are firmly planted on the ground and I am educating myself about WH and how he is etc and I am getting better at dealing with things.

I actually really like living on my own with the kids and it feels normal.

Must get back into work but thank you for looking in on me.


BS 32 (1st marriage), WH 38 (2nd marriage), DD 3, DS 1
Married Aug 2002, EA/PA 2005, NC mid 2005
EA Jun 2008, Plan A, 1 Aug 2008, WH moved out 14 Sep 08, D-Day 14 Sep 08, Moved home 2 Nov 08, moved out 30 Nov 08
Plan B, 2 Dec 08, broken 5, 11, 15 & 17 Dec 08
Current Status: Contact for visitation, children and finances.
Embarking on a new plan to Let go and Let God and to not settle for less than I deserve!
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I am so glad!

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This might not sound like much, but I honestly can't remember him ever apologising for getting mad at me.

I remember this happening too! Just be careful and keep us posted!

The most time away from him the more normal things will get!

You won't have that anxiety all the time and will find yoruself more happy as the days so by...


A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge.
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I had my counseling session and she was wonderful. I was very open and told her about comments made by my friends (you guys & IM & parents & sisters) about the state of the relationship and the abuse, unhealthy behaviour by both of us etc.

It was a long timeline to run through and although we have not started the work yet, she said that she thought I was in a strong position by a) living without WH, b) sticking to my guns about NC and anger management, c) looking after me and my own personal growth and happiness and d) being the kind of person now that I want to be in the future, regardless of what WH does. Oh, and e) developing healthy boundaries for me and my life.

She thinks I’m doing ok considering the pressure I have been under with work and kids and separation etc. I did go into detail about the text messages WH sent to my clients at Christmas and covered the work issue. These sessions are funded by work so she will be a good support to me if I need it on that front too. I’m currently negotiating this year’s contract…

She agrees that we should stay separated and WH has a long way to catch up in relation to maturely dealing with life and marriage and situations of pressure. She thought it was a huge step for him to get a job and sees that as something really positive and given his pattern of running when the going gets tough, she said it is a step in the right direction.

She said that there is a chance we can make this work, but I need to focus on me 99% and get back into work and the kids and life. WH needs to look after himself and has a very long way to go before we could have a healthy marriage. She agreed in principle with the MB principals and her recovery strategy for marriage is very similar as far as the POJA etc. I like her already.

I am meeting with her in another 10 days (we have a public holiday here on Monday) and keeping up with my current plan.

I emailed WH some info today to say thanks for taking the kids to the ballet last night. I went to and it was tickets we'd bought a few months ago. It was a lovely night and a sweet email. He found one thing and made it negative. I said “I hope you have a successful day at work and in life.” Which he read to mean I was flipping him off. It’s futile for me to try and justify my position but I wrote back that I was not being sarcastic and if he had nothing nice to say, don’t say anything to me at all please.

Oh well, Rome was not built in a day…

My long weekend is booked up with my Aunty who is flying over from Adelaide and my sister’s birthday celebrations. It’s going to be lots of fun.

WH has shows 3 nights over the weekend and 2 of them are with the xOW. I spoke to her the other day and I think she is officially off my WH, but I’m still not 100% convinced that it is all about work and not play too. She told me that she wants to quit the band and WH’s advice was to stay longer. Surprise! I told her that it’s up to her. If she’s uncomfortable she should leave. WH would be fine. I didn’t want to be negative as she would probably share the conversation with WH tonight at their band rehearsal.

WH has told her that we are living together and working on our marriage. He did this the same time that he gave her the email detailing a work only relationship because he loved me and wanted to save his marriage.

Trust is earned and I don’t trust him yet.

But, I feel really ok about me. I am not too worried about him and OW. I can’t do anything about it anyway except reinforce my NC boundary before any talk of reconciliation. I will not lose sleep over that. The bigger issue for me is the anger/abuse side of things at the moment.

I’m off to my forum seminar tonight but I’m so tired. It’s been so hot here this week and it’s hard to get a good solid night’s rest.


BS 32 (1st marriage), WH 38 (2nd marriage), DD 3, DS 1
Married Aug 2002, EA/PA 2005, NC mid 2005
EA Jun 2008, Plan A, 1 Aug 2008, WH moved out 14 Sep 08, D-Day 14 Sep 08, Moved home 2 Nov 08, moved out 30 Nov 08
Plan B, 2 Dec 08, broken 5, 11, 15 & 17 Dec 08
Current Status: Contact for visitation, children and finances.
Embarking on a new plan to Let go and Let God and to not settle for less than I deserve!
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HI 2m2l

How are you making out in the heatwave we are getting some TV coverage of very uncomfortable scenes in Melbourne I thought of you sympathetically.

We have had 40+ temperatures here in Sydney but the wind usually changes to a southerly in the late afternoon and the temperature drops by 10 to 15 degrees so the discomfort only lasts for a day at a time.You seem to have the problem for several days in a row must be hard to keep going.

I was also wondering how WS was behaving. He seems to have settled down some what. Good luck with the counseling .Keep posting


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Originally Posted by myopia
HI 2m2l

How are you making out in the heatwave we are getting some TV coverage of very uncomfortable scenes in Melbourne I thought of you sympathetically.

We have had 40+ temperatures here in Sydney but the wind usually changes to a southerly in the late afternoon and the temperature drops by 10 to 15 degrees so the discomfort only lasts for a day at a time.You seem to have the problem for several days in a row must be hard to keep going.

I was also wondering how WS was behaving. He seems to have settled down some what. Good luck with the counseling .Keep posting

Heat wave??? What's that?!! faint

Signed: Shivering in USA!

P.S. Hope you are doing well, 2M2L!!

Last edited by bestfriend439; 01/30/09 10:59 PM.

Me:BS40
WXH:42
DD15; DS13; DD6
D-day:6/30/08 & 10/25/08
WH moved out 9/15/08
D: 1/15/10

"So take that look out of here, it doesn't fit you, because it's happened, doesn't mean you've been discarded." -- Big Country from "In a Big Country."
"Keep calm and carry on." -- Winston Churchill
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Hi Myopia and BF!

The heat has been horrible. For those of you in the states, we hit 119°F last week and the heat has been above 100°F for over a week. That's up to 49°C.

Not only that, the power has been on and off and on and off and there is no relief from sprinklers on the lawn as we also have heavy water restrictions due to the drought in Australia.

I did fill up the baby pool and cook a bbq on Wednesday night to beat the heat for the kids. They have been red faced, tired, grumpy and irritable for a week. Today we have a top of 31°C and thunderstorms predicted so hopefully the humidity will go soon.

Bushfires have been terrible too!

We had a story here on Thursday of a man who was in a custody dispute with his wife over his 3 kids. They have been separated since 2007 and he was taking the 3 kids to school and stopped on top of the Westgate bridge and threw his 5 year old daughter over the bridge. She fell 30 metres, was resusitated but later died. Her 6 and 8 year old siblings watched from the car.

When life seems tough, reality hits you in the face.

Life has been okay for me over the last few weeks. Up and down is par for the course, but WH has been attentive to the kids and has really been trying hard to support me too. He has called off his friendship with OW but they are still working together next month. Who knows where that will end, but he said he has done that for him, not to save our marriage. If that happens as a result, fine, but he chooses not to have her in his life for himself. Trouble in paradise smile She loves him and is pursuing him and has become demanding and depressed etc. It's all been a bit much for my WH who wants to enjoy his new carefree single life. He said he wondered if she could replace me in his life but has decided they are too similar and that a relationship cannot have 2 liars in it. I am sure there is more to the story and if we ever attempt R it will come out, but not now.

10 days ago he got mad and almost hit me in front of the children. He was on his way out and got mad and turned towards me and didn't see the children next to me. Needless to say it was a massive wake up for him. He called the mens referral line and has signed up for counselling and a mens anger management group on his own. He left quite a few teary messages for me and contacted my family too to apologise. It really levelled him and he said he was glad it happened because it woke him up.

Anyway, he is seeking the help for himself but the kids and I will be the recipients! I kept praying for God to break him and I guess this was it.

Sometimes he wants us back but I am staying on my own path and we are both living separately. He wants this to continue until he has gotten help. Neither of us know where it will lead, but we are both getting help so it's a pretty great start and the kids will benefit whatever happens.

I am starting netball tonight - haven't played in 21 years. I am seeing my dr this afternoon - have had my period for 3 weeks and a migraine so big over the weekend that I called my parents to take the kids. I hope it is all hormonal and that it's easy to fix.

I went to the cinema on Friday night with my sister and I am trying to get my own life and be happy. Baby steps, but I am really trying. I also don't stop my own plans for him. It was The Curious Case of Benjamin Button and there is a part in the film where he leaves his family...boy did I cry!

WH was snooping on my phone and found new names in my directory and made it mean that I was having an affair. Apparently he had a horrible dream about it over the weekend! Welcome to the BS world! It was an innocent number about netball, a couple about work, and text messages from friends, but he never asked me about it. He was just content to make it mean I had moved on.

WH did find my SAA book and was asking me about it. He wanted me to read the part out about exposure to save a marriage but there is nothing so detailed in there. I said if he wants to talk to the author I'll give him the number. He did flick through and wanted me to read some aloud. This might mean nothing, or everything, but time will tell.

He also asked me to stop praying for him. I have a prayer list and he hated being mentioned. I said that there were people all over the world praying for our family. I told him I am also praying for OW and her family and his family too. He said OW does not want my prayers, she hates me. I said it doesn't matter. I don't hate her, I don't even think about her. I have forgiven her but I will never forget her. I had to forgive her to move on and be at peace in my life.

uhuh

Myopia, I hope your weather has settled down again now too. I can't believe there are hurricanes in QLD. The world is taking a good shaking again!

BF - I have caught up on your thread and you are doing great. It's hard to imagine you are freezing and shovelling snow when we are going for as little clothing as possible!

Take care everyone.


BS 32 (1st marriage), WH 38 (2nd marriage), DD 3, DS 1
Married Aug 2002, EA/PA 2005, NC mid 2005
EA Jun 2008, Plan A, 1 Aug 2008, WH moved out 14 Sep 08, D-Day 14 Sep 08, Moved home 2 Nov 08, moved out 30 Nov 08
Plan B, 2 Dec 08, broken 5, 11, 15 & 17 Dec 08
Current Status: Contact for visitation, children and finances.
Embarking on a new plan to Let go and Let God and to not settle for less than I deserve!
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Do you want the vets and other MBers to stop giving you advice? Because you're sure not taking it...

Originally Posted by 2Much2Lose
Current Status: Plan B unless he contacts me re children or finances, and when he does, Plan A to keep the peace.

PLAN B IS PLAN B! No contact. Completely dark!


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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I don't know how to answer that KR.

Of course I am here for advice and input, that's why I come here and post honestly even when I know that what I do seems to go against the MB grain.

My plan B put me and the kids in danger. WH overreacted so badly and set the process back and threatened my job and security.

The difference these days is massive. He is attentive to the children, puts money in the account without me ever asking, helps around the house, turns up for the kids when he promises and calls them every night he doesn't see them. He has also signed up for anger management classes (proven) and has gone NC with OW (proven).

However, they do still work together although that is on very thin ice and I think given her current attack of love till death, he is retreating quickly. They will see each other 1-2 times per month (4 hours each time at a gig max). He knows the reasons behind NC and has asked to see information about it and I think he is considering it but wants it to be his idea.

He hates me to control and mother him. We are not working on our marriage. I have no intention of working on our marriage unless and until there is NC with OW but more importantly, that he has received and "gets" help for his anger and control issues. I do not wish to be in my previous marriage ever again.

So that's fine, mock me if you must. I tried and I failed MB plan A and B. If I ever get a chance to recover my marriage, it will be using the MB principles. For now, WH knows I might not be waiting at the end of his journey but he has a more important mission to fix himself and the low self esteem issues etc that keep getting us to this point.

I am on my own journey to break my dependency of controlling and abusive men. I sleep just fine on my own and prefer having the house to myself and the kids without my angry and abusive husband. On the occasion that H pops out, it's glorious, but you know what they say about counting the chickens before they hatch.

I am no better off divorced and in no rush to do so and this way I get to stay in the house and not disrupt the lives of my 1 and 3 year old children. They are happy knowing that daddy sleeps somewhere else and works nights, the same way he always worked nights. I actually think he is a better dad to them now as his head is not in the laptop or texting messages when he is around them. He actually plays with them and they love it.

I know you all don't approve and the absence of some of the earlier posting vets speaks volumes. I can't say enough though that I am the only one in my shoes. I am the only one who knows first hand what it feels like to be me and I feel like I am the only one who knows what will and won't work right now. Plan B was a disaster for me and my kids.

I have a safety plan thanks to the womens domestic violence centre and if I need it I will use it. This is not a normal marriage breakdown with infidelity, I was in an abusive marriage.

Well, I guess that clarifies my fear about not posting here over the past 3 weeks. I fear being unfairly judged although I still crave the honesty and advice and support I was getting. I would not have made the positive changes that I have without MB and I would still be suffering. Right now, even though it's not perfect, I feel empowered, I'm living each day and I have hope for a better life.


BS 32 (1st marriage), WH 38 (2nd marriage), DD 3, DS 1
Married Aug 2002, EA/PA 2005, NC mid 2005
EA Jun 2008, Plan A, 1 Aug 2008, WH moved out 14 Sep 08, D-Day 14 Sep 08, Moved home 2 Nov 08, moved out 30 Nov 08
Plan B, 2 Dec 08, broken 5, 11, 15 & 17 Dec 08
Current Status: Contact for visitation, children and finances.
Embarking on a new plan to Let go and Let God and to not settle for less than I deserve!
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686
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Originally Posted by 2much2lose
Plan B was a disaster for me and my kids.

:twobyfour: :twobyfour: :twobyfour: :twobyfour:

It was a disaster because you didn't DO IT CORRECTLY!

If you live in California do you go north to get to Mexico? No, because you know it won't work!

Your H is abusive. You have been told to leave time and again. And you subject yourself to his horrible behavior once he shows the teeny tiny crumb that he knows you're going to leap at and cling to.

2M2L -- nothing you do is going to change his abusive behavior!

It does not look as though he is going NC. NC means NC FOREVER. F-O-R-E-V-E-R!

Doesn't matter if it's 1-4 hours every fifty years, it means NC!

I'm sorry, 2M2L. I want to help you, because it seems others have given up on you.


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 1,173
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Posts: 1,173
Im still here for you
I have just been sick for the past week and not spending as much time posting.

This is definately not a situation for plan A or B, and I seriously think that Dr H would agree. this is a situation with a clearly abusive man, who needs serious help.
I think the best thing we can do for our sister 2M2L, is just support her. If this man is going to get the help he needs it will still be a good year or two before he becomes possible H material.

meanwhile, we can come here to support 2M2L in her own personal recovery.

I was worried about something you said earlier 2M2L: You said that he almost hit you in front of the kids,and that scared him.
did it only scare him becuase the kids were there? watching?

I know that he has hit you before - didn't that scare him last time?



Married 18 years
D Day June 25, 2003
Divorced December 17, 2003

Newly married to a wonderful man!
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 567
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Response to KR posted at the same time as WOF...

He does not want to work on the marriage.

Therefore, I cannot demand NC. What is the point? He knows what it will take for me to want to work on the marriage but he is unwilling to do it therefore we are not working on the marriage.

He broke it off with her and it had nothing to do with me or wanting our marriage to work.

I do not have a position here at all. My only aim is to be amicable and have no expectations at all. Not when we speak, see each other, or not. I have a life of my own and I am going to live it.

My life is not on hold for him, it is on hold for me.

Last edited by 2much2lose; 02/02/09 07:47 PM. Reason: posted as WOF was posting

BS 32 (1st marriage), WH 38 (2nd marriage), DD 3, DS 1
Married Aug 2002, EA/PA 2005, NC mid 2005
EA Jun 2008, Plan A, 1 Aug 2008, WH moved out 14 Sep 08, D-Day 14 Sep 08, Moved home 2 Nov 08, moved out 30 Nov 08
Plan B, 2 Dec 08, broken 5, 11, 15 & 17 Dec 08
Current Status: Contact for visitation, children and finances.
Embarking on a new plan to Let go and Let God and to not settle for less than I deserve!
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686
K
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K
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686
Yeah, he broke it off, and Stewie's sweet and innocent.

Plan C indeed... :crosseyedcrazy:


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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