You might want to read what MelodyLane posted just the other day - on rustyshackelford's thread called HELLO

Hey Tjp,,

I just want to add my 2 cents on this,, My hubby is also a LEO, and his Fow was a dispatcher so I totally get where you are coming from,, yes his supervisers knew about it but like you didn't do anything about it.

For the 1st year of our recovery (if you can call it that) he continued to work with her. It was total he!!! for me evertime he worked nights and I would call him and he didn't answer was he on a call? was he with her?? it sucked..

I did everything you did, I cryed, I begged, I threated and he keep insisting that it was over and I had nothing to worry about.

Now I believe that the PA was over but they where still having a EA.

Finally hubby transferred to another unit where she has no involement and that is when recovery really started.

OK that is my story, IMVHO you can not heal when you know he has contact with her.

Has he looked into changing shifts or finding work w/ another dept. Law Enforcement is a pretty wide open field right now and he should be able to find work anywhere, again just my 2 cents (and probally not worth that LOL)

I wish you all the best, F-26

Hey Faithful,

Another long-time Plan A-er! My H worked in building with OW (different floors, different depts) for 18 months, so I understand when you say it was HE** for you. AND, like me, you continued to tell him in every way you could to show him it wouldn't work for you.

Three questions for you:
1) Why didn't you go to Plan B?
2) What do you think would happen if you had?
3) How did you keep yourself going that year? Why did you not quit?

I think tjp could benefit from your answers.

Right Here Waiting

Hi waiting, ok to answer your questions


1) Why didn't you go to Plan B? Fear mainly, (I had not found MB then and was flying by the seat of my pants)
I was afraid that if I went into what I now know as a plan B or if I gave him and or else he would leave again.

2) What do you think would happen if you had? Again I was afraid of him leaving and me being alone,,, I had totally lost myself in my marriage, my kids, I had to do alot of work one me.

3) How did you keep yourself going that year? Prayer, prayer, prayer! did I mention prayer? My God, my Church family, my kids especially my daughter they kept me going.

Why did you not quit?Oh mainly because in spite of all he had done I stilled loved my husband,, this person he had become wasn't the man I grew up with and built a life with (We've been together since I was 17), in so many ways I could see that he was hurting, lost and just as confused as I was, I couldn't give up on him. Kill him maybe, but not give up on him LOL

Faithful26,
Thank you SO much. I'm so happy to hear from another LEO wife, who has seen the lack of morals and ethics that police work causes. It makes me ill that his Sargent and Luitenent both see no problem with keeping the two of them on the same shift. They said it was a personal issue, not a professional one. Nice.
He has no intention of being moved from his shift. He has told me that shifts don't stay together forever, and that I need to wait it out until the shift gets broken up. To me, another day of him going to work with her might as well be another year. Their EA lasted for 4 months, with the PA lasting for another 8 months after that. This was a full blown relationship, that went on for a year, and I'm supposed to believe that in one day he's over her, and I have nothing to worry about. I beg to differ. I'm thisclose to being done. I don't want to leave, but I feel like he's leaving me no choice. I have kids to think about, and my present emotional state is not helpful.

YOU need to "wait?" YOU NEED TO WAIT???!!!

This level of callousness tells me he is NOT done with his affair, regardless of what he's telling you. This is NOT a man who intends to put his marriage back together. This is a man who has NO remorse for (or understanding of) what he's done to you, a man who is still neck deep in selfishness. He is dangerous.

Had I heard stuff like this, I would never have waited for my H to figure a way out of the building he and OW worked in. My H committed to the MB course work, stuck with me through the hard stuff, and did such a good job of avoiding OW at work that she was reduced to leaving a note under his windshield, begging him to talk to her. I KNOW this because I was the one who found it!

Strongly suggest you call the MB counseling center and talk to Steve Harley or Jennifer Harley Chalmers.

AND, read up on Plan B. Looks like you're gonna need it. But talk to Steve or Jennifer first.

I am so sorry.

RHW

tjp,,, your what less then 6 months from d-day right??

Is your hubby doing anything to show you he is working to save your marriage?

What has he done to "prove" to you that he has ended things with this woman?

Is he being transparent with you as far as cell phone,, email etc?

If shifts get changed so often why would it be a big deal for him to request a change now???

I think it is pretty irresponsible for his shift commander to keep them on the same shift,, not only for your sake but for the shift, this can only cause conflict.

Have you spoken to his Sgt., Lt, Capt. about what's going on??

Telling you that you need to wait is a huge red flag for me perhaps you could try the 180 plan before going into a plan B,, from what I understand about plan B's you really have to be ready to go dark and be willing/able to stay dark to be effective.

I agree with waiting try to get counciling, and please remember you need to take of you, you need to be strong both for you and your kids.

F-26

Not only will you not recover this way, but you only have the word of a practiced liar that the affair is over. That is meaningless. Changing shifts is meaningless, even if he was willing. That will not solve the problem. He will still see her.

My suggestion would be to expose the affair at Human Resources and ask them to them to take action. They may not do anything at all, but it will make it much harder for them to carry on their affair at work if they are being watched. They will call them in and question them which will make them real uneasy. We have seen affairees QUIT over that discomfort. But exposing it like that is like chemotherapy to cancer. It will make it uneasy for them at work and make it less likely they will resume the affair.

Here is a template letter for HR developed by BritsBrat, a corporate attorney:

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

BS
_________________________

tjp, that is the last shot I would take and if that doesn't work, then you really need to consider plan B. Just changing shifts will not suffice. They will still see each other at work, in the hallways, at meetings, at conventions. So changing shifts is meaningless. In order to recover your marriage they have to stop working at the same place, period.

The Harleys do not recommend the 180 degree plan and that will not help you in this situation. His continued contact with the OW will wear you down emotionally until you are MORE of basket case. You have to remove yourself from this triangle altogether.

TJP, so sorry you are going through this. Cyber hugs being sent your way...I know the hell you are going through right now...

I agree with everyone else, you need to be moving towards Plan B. Your WH doesn't even sound close to leaving his job.

We had a poster here whose WH stayed in contact with the OW at the workplace for quite a while, and her emotional state just continued to get worse and worse...which IMO seemed to make it harder for her remove herself from the situation.

Hang in there and keep posting.

When will he be satisfied? When you're so worn down you've got a knife at your wrist? Will he realize then?

Seriously, hon, use the letter template, look up the names of the HR head honchos and the chief of police, AND the mayor, and let them ALL know that if they refuse to do anything, they will be seeing you in court when you sue. And that you will be happy to start making statements to the local press about how the city's police force does things.

If your H doesn't like you protecting y'all's marriage...then it's not really a marriage, is it?