or protecting the BS.

I know we've all been over this before a couple times, but since I can never get the search function to work, I'm starting it again.

How many think that the WS should sign a post-nup where in case of another affair, the BS gets 100% if the assets?

I don't, somehow it just seems wrong. And I'm the BS. I do think the BS should be protected financially, but somehow for the WS to lose everything they worked for all their lives isn't right.

In my divorce, I DID get what was left of the marital assets, but that was because ex had already blown 90% if them on his 3 and a half year affair.

Also, if I had recovered, I would have preferred to think that the marriage was rebuilt with my husband and I as partners, and not because he's staying around because it would be "cheaper to keep her".

I was astounded to see that everyone seems to disagree with me (on GM's thread).

Forgot to add, if there are dependent children, I CAN see a split that favors the family.

We didn't do a post-nup. I don't necessarily agree with it either. But I did promise to jack up his whole world if he did this nonsense again. He knows I could, too. And by that - I mean ruining his masonic career, which is really important to him.

I only know of a couple of people here who DID do one.

Might be just me, but once my ex broke his marriage vows, carried on his affair, and let the divorce go through, I was done.

B

Having an A is a choice. You can choose NOT to have an A. You can choose a D instead if things don't work out. Then you can split the assets as you see fit, the honorable way. I don't see a postnup with these stipulations as "just compensation". I don't think it falls into that category. It's a step in regaining the trust that a WS will not CHOOSE to have another A. And they will undertsand that it is A CHOICE once they gain the knowledge that they need to R anyway. There is no monetary compensation in my estimation that could ever make up for an A. But it could certainly deter the most stubborn of WS from feeling entitled over and over again. Just my .02

I see your point, and maybe it isn't a Just Comp thing, more like a double your money back guarantee if the WS ever cheats again.

HopefulinNC's wife signed over all of the marital assets after her multiple affairs, but then she died from AIDS.

TST signed one, and I think I remember one other case here. That is it.

And I realize no money can ever make up for the pain of an affair.

I'm just not a fan of trying to make a marriage work while also making plans for what happens if it doesn't. As well, I don't like the idea that my spouse is motivated by the nup in any way, nor would I want the nup to motivate me.

Let's back the truck up a bit first...

Is a prenup ethical?


Now forward again...

How about just POJA it early in recovery?


Forward some more...

Or how about putting it in the Plan B letter as a condition? Lots of stuff seems to be accptable in a Plan B letter.

Seems to me, al la Plan B conditions, the BS gets to decide what will feel safe when starting recovery, period.

And WS can take it or leave it.

Unless the BS is still afraid of being alone.


OK, stop, I wanna get off now...

Courts do not like post nups. They are not inforced. So maybe it's moot.

Of course, it would sure cut down on false recoveries.........

Remember that famous old saying about money?

Money may not be everything, but it's ahead of whatever is in second place.

Pre nups and post nups if needed then they should be used.

Many a WS, not saying most, not all have a relaspe with the old OP or a new OP.

Why should a BS that does not want to be left holding the bag if their willing to give their WS another shot if the WS fails again?

What if the BS is done and this is the only way the stick around for one more try.

After D day isn't the message here, do not trust but verify?

If a WS has shown their not trust worthy why have blind trust?

Aren't BS's here told to lawyer up to protect themselves?

50% should be fine for assets and in the case of the WW then the BH should


GET CUSTODY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Post nups,,,, Pre nups,,,,

They all say the same thing;

" I don't trust you anymore and I never will."

Good luck rebuilding a marriage without some high level of trust. It ain't gonna work Charlie.

JMHO.

All Blessings,
Jerry

Neighbor jokingly talks about the four letter word that keeps them together....






Are you ready for this....






I can see your wheels spinning....





Remember, four letter word....




Nope, not that...




the four letter word that keeps them together is "HALF"

Well. I may sound like an awful person, but a postnup would go a loooooong way towards making me feel more secure.

When I married my H almost 8 years ago, HE became my career. It's hard to explain, but when you are married to someone with a disability, that is just sometimes the way it has to be. I NEVER resented it, I NEVER cared about the way my life changed. I was part of the team I wanted to be on.

HIS job became the most important thing and mine became extremely secondary. I have no career. I felt he was worth it and that it would make our life good.

THEN, he had the A. NOW, I resent it all because I no longer trust him. I am afraid that if he ever has another affair that I will be left with NOTHING. I am afraid that he would decimate me in a divorce. If he would have the gall to cheat again, I know that he would not hesitate to destroy me financially.

I live in a state that does NOT under any circumstances recognize postnups. AND, it is community property state to the nth degree. The liklihood that I would lose MY house is HUGE. MY house that I worked and struggled for all my single mother years.

The fact that he had nothing when we got married and that HE has the job and the benefits would mean NOTHING in a divorce in my state. Really. I have checked into this.

I don't want a divorce, but I DO wish that there was at least SOMETHING I could feel secure about should he cheat again.

Believer - In general ...

I think a post-nup is wise in situations where the WS has been especially repugnant and has caused a wide path of emotional and financial destruction. Especially after a false recovery(s). It is risk management, nothing more. Not punishment. Risk management.

I've often thought of the post-nup like a debt promise. Akin to a bond. (see below) The WS makes a legal promise to forfeit financial advantage if they ever make the choice of adultery in the future.

In finance, a bond is a debt security, in which the authorized issuer (WS) owes the holder (BS) a debt and, depending on the terms of the bond, WS is obliged to pay the principal at a later date, termed maturity if and when the WS again becomes a WS.

This seriously de-romances the marriage. But, so what?


If you take a look at

Maslow's hierarchy of needs

one can interpret the post-nup agreement as cementing the "safety" level of the pyramid of needs.

It's not romantic. It's not trusting. It is about safety first. Safety for the BS and the family that their financial needs (safety and security) are covered by a "bond" or "insurance.

The whole point of Maslow's pyramid is that one cannot strive for the higher functioning levels of the pyramid if there is not a firm foundation or base on which to build.

Does this make sense?

Workinghard - I don't think you sound like an awful person at all. Makes sense in your case.

Pep - I agree that the BS needs to feel safe. And I also think that some kind of financial bond is good. I don't think the WS should give up everything though.

Who am I to criticize any BS who decides they need to take risk management steps in the form of a pre-nup, before they make themselves (and their children) vulnerable to a person they have learned not to trust?

No court would uphold a 100% of everything agreement. That's just hyperbole.

Believer, IMO the BS is the one who has given up everything and risked everything to allow a WS back into their life, not the other way around. A WS such as myself offering 100% cash value of all our assets was one of the few ways to show I was 100% on board with recovery.

This step did not demonstrate a lack of trust. That was already completely destroyed by my affair. This action DID make a huge statement to SMB about my current trustworthiness (post-affair). Disclaimer: last paragraph posted with SMB by my side.