Hey Pep, just ruminating on all of this. There was nothing left for a post-nup after my ex's affair. Maybe if there had been something, I would have been in favor of one.

But courts aside, I know that TST did one, and so did HopefulinNC (where has he been anyway). So it IS possible.

I believe "just compensation" was created by Dr. Harley to help the waywards understand that their offense is not a "forgive and forget" type of offense. Actions are required!

quoting Dr. Harley:

I'm in favor of forgiveness in many situations, but this isn't one of them. In the case of infidelity, compensation not only helps the offended spouse overcome the resentment he or she harbors, but the right kind of compensation helps restore the relationship and prevents the painful act from being repeated.

When an insurance company pays you for your home that was lost from a devastating fire, this would be compensation. It would be all they can offer you. They cannot restore your memories, photos, collectibles, treasures, or the security you always felt prior to the fire. You would also feel no obligation to drop on your knees and say thank you to your insurance company for the compensation either. It may even feel cold that they are paying you for something you can never get back again. But, it is what they must do regardless.

I can never offer Just (as in justice) Compensation for my affair, because it can never really be more than just (merely) compensation. But, I must offer it just the same if I am going to be part of the marriage recovery of today and tomorrow.

tst,

I have come a long way toward accepting this idea. Considering 25 years of betrayal, especially the last 6 I can say that GM left a wide swath of destruction.

I also remember before we started building our house on my farm. He assured me that we were OK. He assured me that we would stay together as far as he was concerned. He assured me because the house we were building was way bigger than what I wanted and it was that way for him and thus more expensive. He assured me that I would never face losing the farm and my animals and the 10+ years of work and learning I put into it all alone. He assured me all those things after 20 years of hookers and in the middle of a 6 year affair leaving me in the dark and trusting him.

I am waiting to see what he says about this. He has agreed to do it and he has started the process. I am hoping he does whatever he feels is needed for me to feel safe. Will he or can he actually put himself in my position instead of his? We will see. I do not want to make this decision. I hate this but then there were promises made by the one that had spent our lifetime together breaking all our promises. I was trusting him to be true and I was totally mislead.

SSS - Hubby seems ready to give you everything. To me he seems to ge going overboard in trying to recover. Don't get me wrong, I'm on your side.

I do have a problem with it though. I mean, he should be the MB recovery poster boy.

However, I don't think it is healthy for him to be willing to give you 100% of your family assets, though I agree you probably deserve it.

Hope you are doing okay. I posted to GM about the fact that he might be a sex addict. He doesn't think so.

If you get a chance, check out the RecoveryNation partners site and see what you think.

Hi Believer!

I really do not know where I stand on the 100% or not. The commitment is important, that I know but that is all I really know about this. It is all about the commitment for me, not the amount. I just do not want to lose my farm over his indiscretions. Tst makes some good points.

I think he has an addictive personality but I don't know about the sex addict angle. I think he has just led a life where feeling good was all he knew and when he did not feel that way nothing was more important than getting that fix, whatever it was. It went from drugs to sex. I will look at the site. Thank you.

I am doing pretty good actually. I will post on my thread some things tonight.

EDIT to add:
I am not certain I understand what you mean. Overboard meaning too much to trust?

This sounds logical to me.

When Ex and I married, we kind of joked that "he who walks, leaves with what they came in with", (which was nothing).

When I left, I took my books and my clothes, nothing else, my choice. After he moved another woman in, she didn't like my taste, so I did get my art off the walls at my BH's request.

When we reconciled, I would have gladly signed a post-nup.

During the seperation, I had the kids with me, again, at his request. I asked that he pay me half of what day care would cost. That was about 10% of his income. We did not divorce, three lawyers informed me that a judge would not let me accept that low of a CS payment.

I did not want him to be financially penalized for my mistake.

Hmm,

What is the Biblical method?

In Israel the scripture cited death by throwing rocks. Apparently this is still so in Muslim turf.

Scripture also says that there is no ransom to pay someone who has been robbed of their spouse. Scripture also indicates that a marriage is to be held in respect by all.

Heathens run my country (RSA). Our bill of rights is a joke. Authorities talk about it. No-one in authority obeys it. Damn, our president is separated from his wife and has two girlfriends.

America has a higher legal rating for their bill of rights than scripture. Even so, the option of divorce procedure releases people from legal tenure.

How would a Christian government operate?

B are you crazy? (said with all due respect)

6 YEAR AFFAIR, 100'S OF HOOKERS! :MrEEk: SSS should take him to the cleaners, wipe him out, take all of his money and smile when complete.
But she has GIVEN him a chance. HE jumped overboard into SIN CITY and stayed for 25+ years - and SSS has thrown him a life preserver. SHE IS THE ONLY ONE GOING OVERBOARD FOR THIS RECOVERY! He's still holding on to the life preserver while she is the one working and pulling him back into the marriage.

He is 3 weeks into delivering the D-Day info from He!! and you're calling him a poster boy?





This is a no brainer - and he is still in denial.

And you think it's OK for GM to cover hisass on a post-nup?
And of course HE agrees!

I'm praying for GM & SSS also, but I'm only interested in protecting SSS in all of this.

TST - I am praying for their marriage too.

You were another one who very quickly did what was necessary to protect your wife.

But it is EXTREMELY unusual. Mostly the WS is not sorry, not willing to do much, and the BS has to take the lead. I see one more FWW here, Jean, who gave up everything. But it only happens 1 out of 1000 times.

And Imagine, the story of Hosea and Gomer from the Bible comes to mind. He bought back his wife who was a prostitute and living with another man. It would have ruined the whole thing if he had insisted on a postnup.

GM has jumped into MB with both feet. I would be a fool to totally trust him without safeguards that I think will keep him from his worst moments. Of course I am hoping that he can do this without resorting to thinking of the money. He is working on this. If I were to trust my judgment right now considering how he is acting and behaving I would say that he is 100% on board but then my judgment means little anymore as far as he is concerned. I thought he was 100% from the beginning and then after the first hooker in 1984. He assured me that my farm would be safe before we built, we were 100% OK. I made the decision to go ahead without all the information, I made the decision taking him for an honest man and he left out the part that he no longer loved me and had been screwing around for 20 years. Hardly what I would call a safe 100% bet but then what did I know? I made the decision when he was in the middle of a 6 year relationship with the last hooker that he was falling in love with. What was that all about?

He just left. He knows I would never leave him bereft, I could not do that to anyone let alone someone I love no matter how horribly he treated me. There is no reason to lower myself to horrible behavior. He knows this so we will see what he comes up with.

Hang in there, SSS. Only you know what you need.

And remember, I didn't recover my marriage. Maybe I'm not thinking right!

I don't have a problem with a post nup. My FWH offered one to me including full custody of our children. The fact that he even thought of this on his own meant a lot to me but I still declined because I didn't want it as a reason to keep him in the marriage.

Plus after getting all the details of FWH's A, I am confident I'd still get custody of my children and be financially secure. If he ever cheats again, I'd destroy him so the post nup isn't all that important to me.

I don't have any problem with the idea of a post-nup, but I doubt its effectiveness.

After all, the WS already knowingly risked everything, including their own lives, to sleep around.

The wife NEVER had rights to property or money or inheritance in that culture to begin with. IMVHO, Kind of a moot point.

Then why bother with NC letters, and EP's!

JC is all about the heart changes to begin with, but the heart changes can only be gauged or measured by the actions of the FWS.
A rain guage for tears is not a good measurement tool.

I don't see what the big problem is. If a couple feels like a post-nup will help their situation, then who are we to say otherwise?

Just compenstation, as Dr Harley writes it, is all about affair proofing the marriage. It has nothing to do with a couple's desire to ensure the financial security of the BS.

In some marriages, the post nup has been very useful. Who can argue with that?

AGREE!

OT - has anyone read "Redeaming Love" by Francine Rivers?

Yes, WONDERFUL book!!!!!!!!!