Highschool sweethearts- my h and i have been married 5 years but we will have been together for 15 years this year. We have a 3 year old and just started a new business. The past year has been hard on me. We have no money, insurance, and my h has been working all the time.
To make the long story short, my h and i are at the point that we feel like we have taken this marriage as far as it can go. For me the issue is handling stress. I think I have been very depressed and I have said some horrible things to my h in a fit of anger. He on the other hand questions his ability to be in the relationship and refuses to get counseling. He feels i am completely unable to change and he refuses to see the worth of reconciling. I want to work things out with him but he refuses. He continues to say he needs some space and i am not giving it to him. He basically wants to live as roomates so he can have time to think.
When we do talk he talks about all the arguments and stupid things I have done in the past; like getting mad at him for the smallest little thing or having a fight right before he went out with his buddies. I do not think he can forgive me!
I am in the process of seeing a therapist for the depression and anxiety but all he says is i want you to be happy but don't do it for us! Everytime we have a good conversation he automatically follows the conversation about how he is just not sure and wants more time to think. He does not say he loves me unless i say it and he does not want to say anything to me that he feels i might mistake for affection.
I am feeling really lonely and i do not know how to show him that i am changing and that i want to make things work.

Claire, I've been on the receiving end of the fits of anger, and let me tell you, you are doing the right thing. Getting yourself healthy and not AOing at him or your baby anymore.

Now, you've got to be consistent and patient. He doesn't understand yet that he was part of the dynamic, too. But that's okay, because you were brave and ready to change and are getting outside help in accountability to be successful. Whatever you would have said in anger, you can practice saying calmly.

He may still have those problems in other areas of his life, maybe folks yelling at him at work, because he hasn't learn how to set boundaries yet. That's okay, your home will be a safe refuge for him, and he will more and more look forward to coming home to you and the baby. And when he's ready, he'll figure out what he was meant to about boundaries, and can practice that with the angry folks at work or the HOA or wherever. They're all over. It's not going to stop you two from making a great marriage.

When he brings up the past, you can listen and repeat. He needs to know that you "get it," that the bad old days are over. Tell him, you didnt like feeling like that either, and you are so happy that you can share things calmly and be heard now. But you can plan 15 UA Time hours a week of lots of fun RC and 15 hours of FC time so that you two, you three, I forgot maybe your baby likes to chime in too will have a lot more fun things to talk about. You can start light, happy conversations about both of your favorite topics of conversation. This will be so rewarding for him, you validating him on the hard stuff, and talking to him about all these things that you two love to talk about. You listening to him, will help him dissipate his resentment, help him understand that was the past, and you two have a great present together with your baby.

You don't have to work things out today, just start with the light fun home, to give you two a rest. Like you said, you've had a hard year, and you two deserve to take some time and enjoy each other and your baby. The rest should fall into place.

Do you have a sitter to watch the baby so you all can go out?

Thank you for your optimism and wonderful insight. I am sorry you've had to be on the receiving end on anger. I am learning how destructive it can be.

I appreciate that you took the time to tell me about your experiences because I think it is helpful to hear about similar pain but not have me be the perpetrator. I guess I just hear blame and anger everytime he tells me about the things I say. I do not consider the hurt I am causing. If I regret anything it is that because I am not that kind of person.

I am presently working on trying to have a safe environment for him to speak but how long can I do that. I survive on one hug a day maybe one "I love you too" if I say it first. He doesn't want to give me the oportunity to do something fun together. How long can one continue feeling like the other person doesn't care?

To answer my own question I feel I will be different the rest of my life. I can feel the change and have outside help when I am feeling like I will relapse. I guess surviving the lonliness of everyday is the hardest, but I know he is lonely too.

I asked if he wanted to go on a date this weekend or sunday but he said he wasn't sure. I will try again next week!

Thank you! Sorry I do not know much about your profile, hope all is well with you.

Thanks, Claire, I'm doing well. The support I get here is second to none.

I hear you taht he said he wasn't sure about a date. In our M, I'm also the one who wants more time together. I started planning fun things. I said, H, I'm planning to take the kids to see the movie coming out Friday, want to come? I'm calling my friend to see if her and her H want to go out to dinner with us Saturday, how would you feel about that? I was thinking about inviting my brothers over for the game Sunday, and making chili, what do you think? I called Babysitter to start coming over every Friday, and she was thrilled. So I was thinking Friday would be a rgeat time to check out that new restaurant that opened up. How would you feel about that?

He usually likes things that he doesn't have to do much planning for. And he likes when I make plans that involve other folks, because he's not motivated to do that. And when he didn't want to go, that was okay, I went. I needed that time to be a woman instead of just a caretaker all the time. It felt so good to do things for myself like that.

Here was a 180 I modified to help me accept that my H didn't want to hug me and say I love you for a while. I liked to think I modified it to be a 90 degrees. I modified it to ask for time together and physical touch when I needed it. I sat with him when he was watching TV, would rub his legs, which are sore after a surgery he had a few years back, and ask, man my feet hurt, a foot rub would feel SO good!

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=3;t=000476;p=0

Just to add to what ears said, it's important to remember that he has been hurt, and it's natural for him to be cautious about opening up again to you. If you were in his shoes, you'd surely do the same. It's going to take time.

And that doesn't mean that you aren't hurt too, and you have needs that you want met right now. But I think you have to have faith that your husband still loves you, he's just hurt right now and is afraid to let it out. From what you describe about your husband, that sounds like the case. Let your faith carry you through all your moments of doubt. Find the support you need from friends to help you stay strong.

Thanks dkd and ears open, you both have excellent answers and ways to combat the loneliness.

Ears i especially benefitted from the 180, i feel like i should tattoo it on the inside of my arm. It is so helpful to have because it is so empowering and it just makes sense. It also helps me to put into practice respecting how he feels and what he is going through.

dkd, your right, in some ways it is harder for him. He has to really battle himself and try to find his way through all the self doubt and hurt. It is so hard to be empathetic toward others when feeling hurt but I appreciate the comments you and earsopen have given me. I do believe he loves me, and it gives me comfort. I just get so negative sometimes because it is easier. That's something I am looking forward to exploring with the therapist.

Your wisdom on the issue is invaluable, thank you! It is such a wonderful outlet of overflowing emotions.

Claire, as you change towards your H, you will find all your realtionships change, even with your baby and yourself. As you make the homeinviting for him, you will find things that make it fit you more than it doesn tiday, too. More of what you two love and less of what you're so-so about, KWIM? I hear you today saying that it's easier to be negative. I am hoping that as you get in the habit of validating H, you will validate yourself, too. Figure out what that negativity is telling you. Is it false? Then you can set it back down, it doesn't fit your anymore. Is it true? Cool, because then you have just identified a way to make your life more enjoyable, by making a plan for this. Like I found I spend too much time on the computer. Which is good to know, so I can look at what I'm doing, what would I like to be doing more? Make room for the other things I like, too.

i am trying my best and succeeding for the most part. h still feels like he can't make a decision about what we should do. he tells me he still loves me but he is unsure about the effort he can put in the marriage. i don't know some days we have good days some days we don't i hope i can hang on long enough for the day he says okay he wants to try- but he isn't leaving so i feel he is already trying.
i am new to this and i am not sure of the abreviations. can you point me to a site i can refer to?
thanks!

Calire, the Emotional Needs board gets a lot more traffic, I encourage you to post over there. To be honest, I'm a little concerned, because I think most folks respond somewhat quickly to the kind of changes that you're making, if they are going to respond. Either we can help you with consistency, or there may be something else there blocking progress. Any other issues you are aware of?

Claire, not sure if you're reading this still, but hang-on. It's very hard, I know. It would be so great to get validation for your efforts, but you have to keep believing that it will come and you'll see the fruits of all your labors.