Oh, and we did go to church today.

Bumping myself out of shameless narcissism.

The roller coaster has been twisting and turning today.

There was an incident that really threw me this morning and I was ready to walk out.... but instead I confronted Chewie about it on the phone and he did what he could in that setting to resolve it. No need to get into the incident; it was something that came out of nowhere that caused another question; Chewie's answer was consistent with what else I knew and had observed; and it can be independently verified.

In the meantime, I did a bit of crying out to the heavens over the difficulty of finding a polygrapher; then I discovered I had old voicemails including 2 on the polygraph issue, and even better, some email correspondence from a polygrapher who I think I will be able to work with. So much for ranting at God while on the treadmill.

It would be great if anyone is inclined to give Chewie some practical feedback on his EPs he posted. I asked him to add the "flirtatious conversation/private conversation" stuff. We have had some discussions about my perceptions about the ENs that he leaves unprotected (thanks, L4, for your stuff on that!) and "admiration from people in the workplace" is one of those thing that I think is a huge danger to me.

Chewie has been acting remorseful; not arrogant with me. I know the difference.

I hope I wasn't out of line the other day when I was talking about the scrubs. I didn't realize your husband has a thread here as well.

It was ment to get a giggle out of you and not to offend you or your husband.

No offense. I don't think he is reading this thread but he can if he wants. I think he's see the humor.

We are working on the polygraph issue. I have found someone I think we can work with and am working to set something up that works with Chewie's schedule. He is still phrasing his agreement in terms of "I will do that IF you really think you want it" and yes, I really do want it.

Yesterday's trigger-fest was awful to go through but Chewie has done his part to help me with it. Unfortunately, he had forgotten he was on call last night (as had I) so we had no chance to sort things out once the calls started coming in-- and today we are both sleep-deprived.

It shocked me how quickly I got back to the place of questioning everything about my perceptions and judgment-- and yes, sanity and value as a human being-- as a result of this latest setback. I'm trying to explain to Chewie how profoundly de-stabilizing it is to be lied to. I think he "gets" that his little indiscretion has brought me back to full-blown PTSD.

So I have put it to him this way-- if he cares about me at all, in any way, he needs to put a stop to my suffering by once again going through the whole story, without lies, leaving anything out, minimizing, evading, blowing off questions, or giving me answers that may be technically "true" but are in reality incomplete. And then he needs to back it up with a polygraph.

If we navigate those waters successfully, the MB weekend might work. I'm still thinking about that.

Chrys,

How are you doing today? Did you get any sleep last night?

LC

LC, Thanks for asking. I'm OK today. Last night we watched the MB video that Mark suggested to Chewie, and Chewie said it was excellent.
And I'm catching up on the sleep, did some essential errands yesterday, and will be back on the treadmill today.

Yikes, it doesn't take any time at all to fall a few pages down.

OK, I found a polygraph person. A woman, we've had some good email discussions and she seems to get where I am coming from.

Setting up a time was difficult--I had to choose between this Sunday afternoon (after she has been away all weekend), the morning of Valentines Day, and the weekend of our son's birthday.

So after discussing it with Chewie, we are doing the poly at 3 pm Sunday.

That's good news Chrys. I hope you get some resolution and peace from the polygraph. Are your questions ready to go?

Chrys,

I'm glad you found someone. How does it all work, for example, do you have a certain number of questions you can ask or is it a certain amount of time? Do you have your questions ready?

LC

I believe so. I emailed them to the examiner and she thought most of them would work. She does a pre-and post-interview and the exam in the middle. I will not be present for the exam.
I know this is going to be terribly uncomfortable and embarrassing for Chewie. I just hope he can do this with a loving and not a resentful attitude. If so, it will go a long,long way.

What is the post interview for? Explaining the results? If you aren't present she's going to talk to Chewie about the results without you?

The only part I am out of the room for is the actual time on the machine.

So here is my early weekend update. I had a very hard week emotionally with lots of meltdowns and tears. It really didn't take much to push me back to full-blown PTSD.

Nevertheless, I am coming to some peace about all this.

The poly is set for 3 pm tomorrow. Chewie has said that he will spend time today telling me again whatever I need to know.

I am hopeful that he will pass the poly.

If he does, I think a MB weekend would be a good thing and he is willing to go, as he said all along. I am not sure about doing it in March and want to find out more about what else is coming up on the schedule before I make that decision.

What this is solidifying is that I do not want a crappy marriage where I feel neglected much of the time. If he is on board to make a great marriage for both of us, fine. If not, why bother?

So, we shall see what transpires.

Good luck. I am confident Chewie will pass. I think this was a one time slip on NC.

Thanks. We've had our discussion and he did disclose a phone call from OW2 shortly after he sent the NC email. He also disclosed one other minor thing relating to OW1. The reasons both were not disclosed to me before were that he thought I would make a big deal about it.

I told him we have to fix this...it is far better for me to know everything. He did come up with a solution to the issue relating to OW1 that I think will help a lot.

So, crossing my fingers about tomorrow.....

Oh, he also volunteered that he lied when he said his receptionist suggested that he send the pictures to OW2. He said it was all his own doing. And yes, we've discussed that it really amounted to an attempt to start the affair again.

Are there ever any other reasons? :-)

I believe C that the email was a one time thing after a long NC

I don't believe that it wasn't a PA.

Hope he proves me wrong.

I too find that the claim of no PA stretches credulity past the breaking point, but we shall see.