Ha, I did that last weekend thinking The Dude would be there.

Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

I'm writing another letter to the Dude. I'll submit for critique.


Dude,

I haven't heard from you and thought I'd write again. (Wife) has been staying with me for the last few days and it's been a very good time for our family and our marriage. The kids are truly enjoying their parents together as it should be. I think we've both slept better than we have for weeks.

(Wife) has talked about you and her intentions with you. It's been good to hear her side of this. I'm sure you understand that this relationship has no future. You are involved in a very unhealthy affair, and she is only with you because you adore her and have shot so far over your mark. I'm sure it's very exciting for you to be with a woman like her. She's incredibly smart and beautiful and fun and knows more about many things than any woman you've met. She's also way out of your league, and it's time you face that. She's a mother of three amazing children and has given so much to this family, that she will never be able to give much to you. If her marriage was over, you would be able to enter into a healthy relationship instead of helping to destroy a family. But then she wouldn't give you the time of day if she was single. The marriage isn't over, but it's too appealing to be with a woman so far out of your atmosphere. I understand.

I suggest you end the affair because it's only going to get worse as you come to understand your insignificance in this situation. Why keep dragging it on when you know it's doomed? I would still very much like to meet with you. Please call me at 555-555-5555.

-Steve McGandhi

Zen,

OM/WW don't have concentration as long as your letter: try this shorter version...

OM,

My wife and I have made success in discussing our marriage.

Stay well away.

ZenWolf

But direct contact would probably be the most appropriate form of contact.

Ha!

My wife said she read the last one. Said she was on his computer and saw it. She has pretty much expressed that she's using him, but cares a lot about him too. I'm trying to build on the USING aspect.

Sorry,

When did she get that message?

I like this letter. I have met OM in the past....he's been to my house.

Putting a face to a name may be best for you. Remember....take a buddy!

I would say what Imagine wrote....no more no less.

This would have been early last week.

I'm a tad puzzled here: Are you saying that you've already sent a message that you are composing or the message that I suggested.

Please explain what you mean about she is "using" OM.

I sent a simplified version of mine.

I had sent him a letter last week too.

She said she was using him to end the marriage - crazy and scary. I dunno, this might be babble. Why hasn't she ended it with me or him? Delicious cake!

OK. I think that she was fed up with you and was looking for an exit affair.

Meet her EN's. Totally embarrass OM. If you need to construct a billboard outside his premises, do it.

Don't discuss OM with WW.


Please read in the articles - why women leave men.

And don't discuss WW with OM except to say:

Keep your freakin' hands of MY WIFE!

Wow!!! Don't let this one go....she's a real keeper!!!

She is a keeper. She has been incredibly giving in our relationship and I've been selfish. She got tired of giving. Yeah, I know, terrible way to deal with it, but that's what it is.

Date night turned into MASSIVE fight. Kind of liberating for me actually. Feeling like it's doomed though. I'll stick with the plan but I feel like my resolve is fading.

I dunno, we never have drag out fights like this. It usually ends up with me shutting down, so maybe this is a good thing. Maybe I've drawn her back out of withdrawal and into conflict. Not to many LBs during the fight, mostly me saying, 'OK, I've been a controlling jerk, you did a horribly destructive thing. We both hurt each other, so let's fix it.' Her saying 'you always make me into the bad guy'. Me saying 'I'm accepting that I contributed to this, I'm saying I'm sorry, I'm saying I'm the bad guy too. I just don't want to end the marriage, and you do. It's your decision. If you want to go, go, but stop dragging me along through this affair.'

This morning we're back to being nice, even recapped a few things from the fight. She says I'll always be her best friend. Aaaaah.

Well, I'll keep going, but my taker is knocking pretty loudly right now.

Very pleasant day. Almost like nothing is going on on the surface. I'm trying to do lots of little LB deposits and reminders of good things between us. Plan A is still going strong, but who knows...

More advice please:

WW has been sleeping here this weekend under a somewhat reconciliatory direction, and also to spend time with her kids. Tomorrow I would like to revisit the boundary I set forth where she can't sleep here while still involved with the other man. I've fudged this already, and don't think it really got me anywhere. But I will find out more tomorrow. I think I will tell her that she can visit the kids anytime, but will need to find other living arrangements until she agrees to NC, or decides to leave the marriage.

Does this sound like a good place to be? I think I will start seeking a legal separation if she resists this suggestion.

Check Plan A.

1. Expose adultery.

2. Find out what her EN's are. Meet her EN's. Do not LB. Meeting with OM is her choice. So far she is not happy with your performance. She is back for her kids. Your taker has, indeed, got to back up.

Did you read the article - why women leave men.

OK, I feel like I'm getting contradictory advice. Several posts back, it was all about breaking up the affair. Part of this effort was to express to her that it's not OK to stay in our house while she's sleeping with another man. This is somewhat different than the Plan A advice in 'Surviving an Affair' but kind of made sense to me. It puts more pressure on the affair, although can backfire as it drives her into his arms.

Doing a very good job at Plan A so far I think. Exposure has been pretty much complete, and has been successful. It's made her feel she has no one to talk to, and I'm trying to make that person me. She's starting to reach out to some of our friends who are very supportive of us as a family and with whom she's been very close-lipped. Trying to uphold her and make her feel safe, trying to be very positive without being needy. I've lost a ton of weight and am dressing in clothes I know she likes, keeping the house spotless, engaging in interesting and humorous conversation, concentrating on some of the great parts of our life together, being patient and loving with the kids, making the home environment very inviting.

What I'm concerned about is this cake-eating aspect. She's getting the best of both worlds. Do I actively try to stop this or just try to out-compete the OM? I feel like this is back to doormat status. Opinions welcome!

There are vets and enthusiasts. Read "Surviving an Affair" for accurate advice.

Contact Jen or Steve from this Marriage builders site for professional advice.