Please help me! I am eight months pregnant with our fouth child and I just found out that my husband gave me an STD which he got from a prostitute that his friends paid for (at least that's what he told me).

When my doctor called me and told me that I tested positive for an STD, I asked my husband if he had an affair, he said absolutely not. I was confused for about a week or so and after asking my doctor a whole bunch of questions, I realized that it could have only come from him. After I totally ignored him for about a week, my WS finally came clean. He told me about the "incident" that happened in the Philipines. He said that his friend paid for the girl because it was his last underway on the boat (he is in the Navy, and was "out to sea" at the time).

He also claims that there was only oral sex. I'm not sure if I believe that but either way, I don't trust him. Also, how do I implement Plan A if it isn't an ongoing affair? I am not even sure if that was his first time doing that. Please help!

First of all I am so sorry you had to come here however you have found a terrific place for information and help. Read the info links over and over

Before anything else how are you and the baby? Is the doctor placing you on meds and giving you treatment to get you well ?
Is your H now getting treated as well?

On the weekends it is very slow as many are off doing family things so hang in here a bit and you will get some geat help.

Firstly though there may be 'reasons' your H cheated.. once twice dozens... doesn't matter .. there are no excuses and YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT. He chose that path by himself he must take responsibility for it. You may be able to accept a reason for a basis of forgiving him.. but its no excuse ok????

Many younger servicemen and yes not so young servicemen do stupid things like this .. I'm an armywife .... because its part of mateship or being buds... the services are basically a male dominated caveman society at the basic levels ... not that this excuses anything. But its handy to keep this in your mind for a whole lot of reasons .. just not because of cheating.

Plan A may not be the thing here as the 'affair' is over and I am reading into your words that your H is remorseful and wants to repair the damage??? Is this right? I feel a modified plan worked out with a Marriage Builder counsellor may be a better way to go

If so your H needs to be TOTALLY honest with you and it may be useful to tell him you want the total truth no matter how hurtful as until you have it you won't trust him and you cannot forgive him unless he's honest with you. He is probably frightened to tell you the truth because he fears you will leave him.. and so he should be .... to have given you a STD is terrible and he should be on his knees begging your forgiveness.

Can you afford professional help right now?
Sessions with one of the Harleys here are approximately 45-50 minutes with a charge of $195. Its over the phone. To pay for your session, you may use Visa or Master Card or pay in advance by check or money order. All calls made from the United States are toll free and with no additional charges. Info from the coaching center tab above.

I feel in your specific circumstances you should get the best counselling in on this right now from the very beginning. Lots of people here are very good but remember we are not professional counsellors.

I am restraining myself from saying a bit about your H right now because it wont help you. You don't have to be a Rhodes Scholar to work out that a 'working girl' was high risk ... that is about as dumb as it gets.

Please let us know how you are going and remember to hang in there until the week begins and people are back on line.

Saying a prayer for you and your family

all the best

AW

http://caselaw.lp.findlaw.com/scrip...=/appeals/102000/&invol=1103100_2000

SUE THE PANTS OFF HIM and then decide what to do after that. Take care of yourself while you are in the process of sueing him.

I'm so sorry that you find yourself in this position and have to find out this horrible betrayal especially now that you are carrying a baby. I feel very deep empathy for you. I have been in a similar situation except that I only found out when he confessed 16 years later, what had caused my newborn baby's (and my) illness. The doctors unfortunately didn't give me any hints (or if they did, I didn't pick them up).

It's good that he has come clean. But you have to be prepared for the fact that this may not have been a one time thing. Is your husband remorseful? Is he willing to make amends?

I don't consider myself a MB expert so I cannot help you much with proper MB advice. Also, I'm not sure if it would be the right program for your situation. I "cherry-picked" only those elements that I could use. However, I can share with you what helped in our case to deal with it..

My husband had lots and lots of IC to find out why he needed sex with prostitutes. Only by understanding that, could he accept personal boundaries and stick to them. It was a very difficult road for him but it was the start of tremendous personal growth. He is a changed man now. We also had MC to restore the marriage. We are more than 2 years into recovery and our marriage is much better now than it was ever before. It takes a lot of work, it is very hard but if there is willingness on both sides, it can be done. For me, the hardest challenge was to be able forgive, but it is crucial in order to heal. I learned that forgiving is not just one moment but a long ongoing process.

When I tried to understand why my WH has done all this, I found an interesting article somewhere online that explains why some men seek sex with hookers. I don't have the link but I copied parts out of it. It helped me a bit to make sense out of it all. It helped me to understand that it are his own problems and immaturity that lead him do it and not some deficiency in me. Hopefully it helps you too:

"The appeal of hookers lies in the temporary psychic relief they supply to men struggling with conflicts about guilt and responsibility.

Having studied the dynamics of sexual arousal for almost 15 years, and having treated dozens of men who find prostitutes irresistible, I have found that for the overwhelming majority of them, the appeal lies in the fact that, after payment is made, the woman is experienced as completely devoted to the man -- to his pleasure, his satisfaction, his care, his happiness. The man doesn't have to please a prostitute, doesn't have to make her happy, doesn't have to worry about her emotional needs or demands. He can give or take without the burden of reciprocity. He can be entirely selfish. He can be especially aggressive or especially passive, and not only is the woman not upset, she acts aroused. He is not responsible for her in any way. She is entirely focused on him. He is the center of the world. Now, of course, these interactions are scripted. The prostitute is acting. But it doesn't matter. For men who like to go to prostitutes, the illusion of authenticity is enough.

If a man is compelled to use a prostitute because it makes him feel free of guilt, responsibility, and worry, then those feelings must be a special burden to him. Such men feel psychically weighed down by the belief that they're supposed to take care of women, that they have an obligation to make women happy, to please them. Such beliefs are often exaggerated and based on a belief and perception that women are high-maintenance, helpless, or disposed to be unhappy and dissatisfied. These beliefs are formed in childhood and are reinforced by our culture. They are often false, but they can inhibit such men in their sexual relationships. In real relationships, they feel that there is always a hidden quid pro quo, that they can't get much unless they give a lot, that they have to pay a high price for getting what they need. Of course, intimate relationships then suffer.

For these men, a prostitute is sought as a relationship in which the man can "let go" and freely express his most selfish desires without feeling guilty and worried about the effect of these desires on his partner. "

I wish you strength. Take care of yourself and the baby. Do you have family or friends that can support you?

[T/J]

Silda, thanks for that excerpt. That's the best encapsulation I've read of my own H's dysfunctional needs. After five years, and a year of murderous MC, I arrived at the same conclusion - it was all about relief from the strain of normal relationship. That fear of being 'wiped out' by relationship needs still emerges occasionally in him, and I've had to learn to stand firm and leave him to manage his own emotions.

[T/J end]

TA

PS I very much doubt that this was a one-off, or that it involved only oral sex. Professional prostitutes are usually careful about condoms, although STDs can be passed via the exposed area beyond the condom. Unprotected sex is common in affairs. I don't think he's come anywhere near telling you the truth.

TA just to place some context the idea of prostitutes using condoms... some years ago while working in Child protection we worked with some children who had been forced into prostitution from S E Asia. The use of condoms just didn't happen much in S E Asia. It was very much the exception. Their 'customers' (molesting perverts with the kids as far as I'm concerned) did not want to use them so the girls never bothered.
that's why I wasn't surprised at her husband getting STD's.