25,
They are motivated by their emotional needs and circumstances that draw them into infidelity.

But we have a choice, a clear and consise choice -- do we act on our needs "or are drawn in". I don't think the word is motivated, it is selfishness plain and simple.

Descriptive words and flowery language does not disguise what it is... a sleazy affair. This isn't movie of the week. This is real life and it is hurtful and painful and to write about it and to say to err is human does not make it right.

ugo, with all due respect, any normal, decent person CAN judge that adultery is a putrid, sickening, filthy act. That is not a sign of "bitterness," but a sign of decency.

Adultery is to behave like a pig; to waller in the pig pen, and any truly recovered wayward will be the first to tell you this.

It was a LACK OF JUDGEMENT that got an adulterer in that mess in the first place. Our prisons are full of people who cannot judge right from wrong and that is exactly where they belong.

It is not a sign of "growth" to normalize or romanticize deviancy. The way to recovery is NOT to justify DEVIANCY, but to REJECT IT and see it in a realistic light.

Normalizing deviant behavior is how people end up in affairs. Defining deviancy down is not a sign of spiritual or emotional growth but a sign of a muted conscience or moral cowardice at best. It is certainly not a virtue to justify or glorify wrongdoing.

My apologies to pigs for the insulting comparison.

Clearly you aren't as you seem to take delight in the filthy adultery described here.


I'm sure many BS's will be distraught to read this filth.


Yes - exactly the pain inflicted by this pigs rutting description will cause BS's here.


And who exactly are you a WS who thinks it's ok to torture BS's with this rubbish.

ugo, I think you are mistaken about "the haters".

Melody is a long time vet that her marriage is now recovered.
She has helped many people since then. She does not have to come back here but does. As a junior member to this board maybe in the future you will be able to come to this board and still help the people that show up here daily

We BS know the pain this has caused by these A. You are realizing now that you are out of the fog the pain this has caused your wife by your infidelity. I wish that your marriage thrives to new levels.

No one is judging 25 or ripping her apart. But when you read a poem that seems to glorify an affair it does make you angry. I have been writing in a journal of goals, heartbreak, and pain of my H's A. It is a journey that I did not want to take.

We are not bitter but we are the BS that have had our lives, families and children trampled by the destruction of our WAS and their selfish acts.

uggatroti, I am going to suggest that your defensiveness here is more related to the fact that you are 5 short days away from your affair and not recovered at all.

When you are recovered, you will not feel so inclined to defend adultery because you won't identify with the adulterer. A recovered adulterer won't defend adultery because he no longer identifies with adulterers.

Once your fog wears off, your feelings will change and YOU will judge adultery as you should have been all along. You will HATE adultery if you ever recover because that is a sign of growth and emotional health. Not because you are "bitter" but because you are decent. Right now you are still very apparently high on the fog of adultery.

You obviously are to selfish to even realize that her poem wasn't glamorizing, justifying, or rationalizing what he did. Do you remember the hurt and questions you had....God!!!

I acted completely out of selfishness, but every step of the way I was fully aware that what I was doing was WRONG and so does every other man or women that betrays the trust of their spouse. Use lack of judgement as a crutch to justify your own point of view, that's fine and I will respect that.

Do you call your husband a pig? Was it his lack of judgement or just plain selfishness and disregard for you and everything that you held dear. Pig pens/Waller....My god!!!

It seems as if you're well educated or want everyone to think that, so it surprises me that you do not approach every situation from the standpoint that you may learn something.

I wish you the best moving forward in your life and hope that someday you may be strong enough to see that your point of view may not have to be cast in stone.

Oh no, my HUSBAND calls himself a PIG when he was behaving like one. He is not scared to admit it and neither is any other recovered WS. They are honest, not defensive, not foggy.

And nor will you continue to defend it some day IF the fog wears off and you can get honest. Recovered waywards do not defend adultery.

You're 100% right, I'm not recovered!!!!

I can promise you one thing for certain....I am not defending adultery in any way shape or form....I am so disgusted with myself for what I have done that I can't even look at myself in a mirror and I'm being literal.

If I am bitter at anyone, it is at myself and I am the only one who can take responsibility for what I've done and I won't rest until I have done whatever I need to do....My wife didn't ask or have any control over what I did to her and for that I don't care how much I recover, I will never completely forgive myself for changing her life forever.

The only fog I have is from the confusion as to how you continue to think that you can know everything about every situation.
Once again I wish you the best and hope you can continue to heal on your road to forgiveness.

Good Luck

My poem was in no way intended to glorify my husband's behvior. Quite the contrary, it was an expression of extreme pain, imagining an intimate moment between him and another woman, a woman whom I knew and had entertained in my home not too long ago.

The purpose of my posting was not to hurt any BS. My purpose was to share my process in recovery. To me, what I wrote is what we are all struggling with- how can we come to grips with what happened between my husband and his "friend", how could he touch her with his lips with his tongue? How could they share that sense of intimacy? What does that mean about me as a person, about me as his beloved for so long?

I know that this is a very difficult experience for all of us.

We are each finding our own way through a forest.

That said, after 25 years in a wonderful marriage, I refuse to demonize a man whom I know to be a kind and loving man, and who made a dreadful mistake that has broken my heart.

And good luck to you.

25years, there is a huge difference between "demonizing a man" and glorifying adultery as you did here. We are not demonizing a man, but rather adultery. Your poem romanticized and glorified a sickening, grievous assault on you as a human being. Adultery is the worst thing that can happen to a person, so to see it so glorified is quite appalling.

What your husband did was the equivalence of RAPE and there is nothing pretty or romantic about that. Adultery is a sickening, evil act and it was very inappropriate to dress it up so.

25, the way to recovery is NOT to justify DEVIANCY, but to REJECT IT. It seems like you are trying to normalize deviant behavior and that will not help you. That will harm you. That is how people end up in affairs. Defining deviancy down is not a sign of spiritual or emotional growth but a sign of a muted conscience or moral cowardice at best. It is certainly not a virtue to justify or glorify wrongdoing.

I have to admit that I am horrified that you actually showed that sickening poem to your H at a time when he is trying to recover. I have no doubt it triggered him and brought back some the feelings he had for the OW. Tht is not good for your marriage and certainly does not endear you to him.

I think I will end this. This is a Marriage Building site folks.