I agree 1000%. T2L, stay strong. The sermon today at my church was "one voice crying in the wilderness". That's how to look at your WH. He is out there... in the wilderness... crying, thinking that no one can hear, especially God. When I walk in downtown or ride the train each day, I look around me and imagine all the hurt that is going on in people's lives. You can't tell it from the outside, but I always imagine that they are people "crying with no tears."

I have great faith that God is in control of this situation. It has been told to you AND to him by various people that God has plans for you both.

Don't give up. Never give up.

I'm always reminded of the Prodigal Son when it comes to WS's.

The key to the son's return was when he came to an end of himself.

That's when he was ready to return and repent. He was ready to be a servant in his father's home (humility).

And the Father was waiting. The son was only able to say "I have sinned against heaven and you." That's when the son was able to be restored.

There is always hope in God's grace.

Was it taken care of? Doesn't seem like it to me. I went back and found several incidents of him trying to provide her food, and succeeding half the time. When did she tell him to give her no more sammiches? I never saw that. I never saw her strengthening anything.

I just don't get it. Where do you see "The rest will take care of itself with time." The only thing I see happening is him not using the IMs at all because the finances are set, and the kids contacting him or him contacting the kids more and more and more as time goes on. I see him getting access to the house more frequently, even if it's just to park out front (and yes, she did ask him not to; and he ignored it; I went back and found it), all the way to having dinner in the house.

I went to my dad's apartment once. I told my mom about the stacks of Playboys and all the sex stuff. Next thing I knew, he picked me up every visitation and we went to the mall, the movie, or out to eat. How hard is that? I don't see any mention of him picking them up and driving all the way back to his/her place. But I also don't see him trying to do much more than hanging out in front of her house, for his weekly fix. Why can she not ask for that? To take them to the mall?

Since November the only thing I have seen is him getting more and more access to the kids - when HE wants to; should we go back and count how many 'I'm in the neighborhood' phone calls have taken place since Plan B started?

Please do tell me what in my posts makes you think I am telling her to throw in the towel? I am telling her to be stronger and consistent. Either give up the Plan B and make things easier for everyone - except for stopping the affair - or go back to Plan B and STOP letting him ignore your wishes. I have seen many people here with kids who only let the WS call at set times. They fume at first...but they get it.

This man is a classic manipulator. Go back and read from the front like I did today. You will remember that he has been tweaking her wishes over and over and over. What's the result? He gets to keep scr&wing OW; he gets to 'win' by seeing his kids whenever he wants to - all he has to do is call and say 'I'm in the area...' and suddenly he's dropping of lunch for T2L.

Go ahead and keep patting her on the back; God knows she needs to be congratulated for not going crazy by now. But I'm not going to congratulate this 'plan' she is doing while it perpetuates the pain she and her kids are going through.

Cat
Why are you so upset?

T2L, I hope you don't think I'm picking on you. I get the sense that some people here think I am. This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with your WH's manipulation and what it'd doing to you 3. It keeps being said that there is a 'plan afoot'...ok, I'm willing to wait. I've said my piece. You feel compelled to keep defending yourself instead of asking yourself whether my observation has any merit. Your choice. But I have learned here that, when I start getting people questioning my motives or actions, it's time to at the very least, ask myself if I'm going down the right road (most times, the answer was no; but that's me).

At any rate, I thought I'd post some of your comments (in chronological order) from the last year, so you could have a chance to step back and see where you started, where you've gone, and whether you see anything of value. If I'm offending you, I'm sorry, I'm just worried about you guys. I'll back off, since mostg everyone seems to think I'm being mean and unfounded.

I'll make 2 posts, cos I had a lot of stuff I found I wanted to show you.
_________________________________________

I am planning to keep my Plan B just as strong as Plan A. That's kinda one good thing about me I try to be consistent. HE's not going to see me. I am now a ghost LOL.

I'd rather die than for him to think I'm not serious about not contacting me. No way Jose! I'm staying dark. Plus everyone that didn't stay dark(what I've been told and what I've read)have huge regrets for flip flopping and not staying dark. Not gonna be me, I'll take their advice-I am now a ghost.

From Delean-de:
ALL requests go through the mediator.

He should not be making requests through a 10 year, who has a 10 year old's hopes and wants and needs.

Funny, I know a guys who does independent films, he was joking with me saying OMG I need to do a movie on you this is crazy.
Whatever happened with that?

RESPONSE from my H to the mediator:
Mediator, mediator, mediator!!! NO, NO NO!!! That doesn’t work. Do not get anymore involved in this. I know you are a friend to T2L and are supporting her though this but DO NOT call or email me things like this ever again even if she asks you too! This is how friends become friends no more. She wants to do this her way and use you to get in the middle. I would suggest you tell her you chose not to get involved. I really don’t understand why she would even ask you to do this in the first place. She knows I would react like this a lash out and I will lash out at anyone standing between me and my kids regardless of what I’m doing in my personal life. If I go to MY HOME to see MY KIDS I better not see anyone other than them!!! Its no ones business other than me and my family. No else is paying the bills and supporting them. I do!

OMG so what NOW???? H is not going to respect the mediator no matter who it is. WTF!!!!! Help what now? What do I do if he shows up here at the house? I informed my mediators of everything but they don't feel he'll listen to anyone. Help!

I do feel week and am very nervous about the IM working when he refuses to. He says that he's not going to talk to strangers or friends about his personal finances. What then.

My pastor also said he needs to be alone and to experience life with out you so he can't blame you like he always has.
He always blamed you?

He used to say why are you apologizing you didn't do anything and I would respond because I just don't want to fight. Although as I said I was not perfect and needed some fine tuning, I did cater to him like crazy, I think It might not have been healthy for me. I had spotless house ever day, packed his lunch every night, dinner on the table right when he came home, did all his shopping even for clothing because he hates shopping, did the bills, scheduled everything with his family so they would be connected, all parenting and discipline of kids, washed, folded and put away all laundry and laid work clothes out for the morning, you name it I did it.

He was a good guy for many years, only prob his angry flare ups over kinda meaning less things, but not a daily thing, and he was kinda moody like just irritated, never super mean but he just was like not content. So anyways, I am used to catering, I loved to care for him that way as that was my share and contribution to the family as I am a stay at home mom and full time wife.

one month after discovery H came by the house to see DS10 they visit then we talk and he says if you want me back so bad why aren't you beating down my door begging me back. He's always known how much I love him but I think he has always looked at me as weak although I am not.

you shouldn't have married me out of high school, you should have sowed your oats etc etc and now you want the mother of your children to gravel on her hands and knees and beg you back. I said NO WAY its not happening. Then he says so what your just gonna forget about me and I stare at him with a blank stare for like 10 seconds and say oh you want a response? The he says so I suppose your not going to wait around forever are you and I laugh and say well I am only 38. But that all happened just after discovery, so I say all that because I guess its probably really important for him also to see a new T2L that doesn't doubt herself and is confident enough to ride this out.

I think his occasional outburst have always held me captive. Even his moodiness I think kept me captive to a degree since I just wanted him to be happy and although we had many many happy and funny moments there was always this underlying thing where he almost couldn't be happy, ya know what I mean?

DD17 is babysitting for the evening, but I don't worry about her so much. She wants me to dump dad, and divorce him so our lives aren't rotating around him.

I guess because nobody else seems to see the dangers I see in her situation. All I see are congratulations. She's been in this boat for over a year now, and nothing is changing except perhaps he's starting to see that she may just get a life outside of him and that may make him jealous. But so what? Is that enough to make him hit rock bottom? No. It may be enough to make him drop OW to keep anyone else from getting T2L, but the instant he gets back and feels he's back in control, he'll just go right back to doing things his way. Cos that's what he does.

I'm also upset because watching her son is killing me. I lived that life. My brother went from a fun-loving funny guy to a shell of a person because my dad walked out and used us to get what he wanted, just like T2L's husband is doing. I ruined my life with choices I learned from having a dad like T2L's husband. Her son is in a really fragile state, and he is this.close to going down the same path of mental torture my brother did because T2L is making choices based on D10's immediate happiness, not his long-term well-being.

I guess because the only good solution I can see in her situation is tough love. Miserable in the short term, yes, but she's setting the stage for a lifetime of self-doubt and lack of control in her son's life. That's not a criticism, but a worry.

I'm so upset because no one else seems to see the danger, all the comments she's made about D10's mental well-being, and linking what's going to happen if he keeps stringing his kids along like this, getting their hopes REALLY up, only to have him stomp off when he doesn't get things his way.

JMO

Here's the rest of the posts. I looked these up, T2L, because you said yesterday that you never asked WH not to park in front of the house, and I knew you did. Maybe you didn't specifically ask him face to face, but you did it. So that got me thinking what else is she not remembering or revising to fit today's situation? Anyway, I stopped once I got to the post that talked about not wanting him to park in front of the house.

________________________________________

I mean IDK but by him trying to say hello to me yesterday, it triggered anger in me. I feel like ya know what a-hole I have nothing more to say to you. There is nothing more that needs to be said and I don't want to hear your stupid idiotic hellos like that's supposed to make things better....duh what planet are you from??? I feel completely irritable and slightly angry.

So and hour into the game DD17 calls H to see if he's going and he of course if not because he's not playing my stupid [censored] games. What freaking games, I a m just refusing to talk to him!!! B@st@rd!!!! Ok sorry, I'll get it together. Myabe I'm PMS'ing I can't figure out what my problem is. I guess momma bear is pissed at Papa bear for messing with my BABIES!!!!

Right now I HATE H! Its a good thing he doesn't hear from me because right now I wanna open up a can of whoop a$s and LB his a$s on fire!

Well on the way home from the game DD17 updated dad on score and the record they broke he said he wants to come see them at 3:30, un-freaking believable. It wasn't ran by my mediators as H and DD17 were talking and he said he wanted to come see her. I told DS10 to go to as he seems to be a little more settled when he sees his dad and less of rejection, anger or anxiety issues to deal with.

Then he tells DD17 well this strategy your mom is using to try and get me home is not working it's only making it worse. Then he tells her well even if I do come home a lot has to change in your mom. OMG OMG OMG! How does a freaking person who cheated on his wife, betrayed her, broke the marriage covenant and moved in the the nasty skank sit here and point the finger at me and say I need to change.

his mood controlled the entire house. I always tippie toed around and even made sure the kids tippie toed so dad wouldn't be irritated. He was never physically abusive ever but his mood controlled the atmosphere of the house and I tried always to make him happy but couildn't.

I don't know if he'll ever use the IM's but I keep sending the visitation availability for DS10 with no expectation of an answer

Had to come up with the visitation for DS10 so the IM's could postal mail it to him.
What happened to that schedule?

H just called and talked to DD17 while I was in shower. DD17 banged on the door and says dad wants to come visit.

As of this point he refuses to talk to IM's via email so my awesome threesome Pep, Neak and Delean are postal mailing him visitation and financial stuff. He is getting the information but will not respond. He wants nothing ot do with the mediators, but none the less I am still sending information though them.

So I said fine he can come visit you all again at the park behind the house. Told them all to shut the garage as he is not welcome here and that DS10 must be back by 4:30.

I would say the only thing bad about his refusal of responding to IM's is that he can call like that. I don't really want to deny the visit as the kids were free and DS10 needs to see his dad......whatever....water off a ducks back.

No worries he ain't gonna see me I'll lock the doors behind the kids and not answer my phone.

Here is where you gave up and let him control everything.

Truthfully he needs to be broken, humbled and repentant, and only God can do that.

Trying to stay busy, have hard moments but my resolve ist getting stronger as I will no longer accept what I have lived under and things will have to change.

He is very stubborn, and after going thru Thanksgiving I see that the holidays mean nothing being away from the family. I have set a mini goal of trying to keep going in 6 month increments as its more attainable. April 23rd was D-day. I hope to God I can make it to that date.

He gets mad and texts back and says I will never come back and she is making this worse. She is playing games and I would rather be single than have her control me. All your mom needs to do is communicate with me. DD17 then says well mom did communicate with you for a few months and you still didn't come home.

No H refuses to use the IM's. H was sent a schedule of days that the kids are free. He refuses to speak with them and so the IM's have told me that I will probably not get communication back from him. But regardless I am still sending information through the IM channel and disregard the fact that he has given them crap and we have had to go postal for communication as opposed to email.

In addition my 17 year old, 18 in 2 months, is old enough to visit with her dad when ever she wants. So when he is free he calls DD17 and asks her if she wants to visit and DS10 will go along.

Other than visitation there is not much to send through the mediators. He deposits money every week since the start of this in April so we have no reason to communicate. He calls the house when he arrives and the kids are sent out or he meets them in the park. Other than that not sure what else can be done.

I have now asked the kids to let him know that they are bored of the park behind the house and now to have him meet you guys and another park at the other end of the city. I dont want him parking his car in front of my house and visiting behind the house at the park then coming back and visiting more with the kids in the front yard. This should stop that.

When I talked to Ms T on the phone, I strongly recommended no more sammiches, and she agreed.

Whew Ello luvs!

Just got done reading...Whew. Ok, here goes...

I do still love my H. He was a good man for the most part. yes he had the undercurrent of unhappiness and slight moodiness but that was NOT everyday. That was a here and there thing. I do believe that apart of that, that this is also, no matter what your faith is, that this was a spiritual attack against my H as well.

Mr. T2L was a very very loved associate Pastor in bible school. He was very well liked and loved. If he was a complete a$s then he might not have been so well loved. He was very very very close to DD18 and if he was completely horrible that would not have been so. DS10 was tucked in every night by his father and prayers were said every night together with each other. And really the last 6-7 years our marriage was happy. I was dumb founded that married people could be this happy as we got married so young and had a rocky start but after we found Christ and attended church we both grew.

I felt most of the time like the most beautiful woman ever. He would tell the kids when waiting for me to get in the car see how beautiful mommy is. I felt very protected too. But yes there were times when he was a bit moody and I would try to cheer him. So you may want me to move on a get a D because you think that I would be better and the kids, but if can return, like believer says, if he was a good man before then there is a good chance that He may return to that, then I'm all for trying to keep going. You see I believe in him, always have, more than he believed in him self. He struggles with self esteem issues but he would never let anyone know that, and truth be told, he thinks his wife doesn't see it either. Its just like Pep said, he was not confident and I think he does struggle with intimacy issues.

I will follow my heart and continue to try and fight for the marriage. If God has placed grace in my heart for me to do so then why should I go against that? I do not feel co dependent nor do I feel that fear is what is motivating me. I am well aware that I can find another relationship and be very happy. I have no fear of not being able to start over if I so choose. God places burdens in everyone's heart, this is mine, at least for now. Will it be forever, nope, I know the God I serve is a caring God and at some point, of His choosing, he will remove that grace. That grace, is time for Mr. T2L to find himself again. Our society is a throw away society and a quick fix or run society. I do believe there are marriages that should NOT be restored but this is not one of them. There is gold in Mr. T2L's heart. I have always seen his potential and for now, I'm gonna fight to try to keep going for the kids, Mr. T2L and myself and possibly an eternal purpose. Maybe it will happen and maybe it won't but when God lifts that burden then I will go and NOT 1 second before that no matter who tells me. God gave me a heart and a mind to speak to me with so he's gonna call this one not me.

H does not get me on a silver platter. My Plan B is not perfect but it ain't too bad either. I have see him 1 time because I failed to tell DS10 daddy can't come in garage, but yet I left the home and stayed out of sight when he was there, And 2nd time, which was PLANNED and the Phone call after my Bday that I accepted and re-quoted the Plan B letter.

My children are not learning to be stepped on. My son hears me explain why his dad cannot come in. DS10 knows very well why and that mom has made a stand. Both my children know my stand and that dad cannot have me until Sea Hag is gone. H only visits on His days he does NOT come when he wants to so I am not sure what you are referring to. The day he came to fix sink was his day. The day he came early to say happy birthday to DD18 was his day. He for the most part only comes on his day. My kids do not feel their mother is weak. They do not get crumbs. If their father visits them they feel loved, and when he makes no attempt they feel rejected. Its all good when they visit.

He has the potential of being a good father. Was he at the start of this whole mess, heck no he was a bad father but I can see he is trying to reconnect with his children and I am so very very grateful he is not taking my children near the Sea Hag. In 9 1/2 months my children have never seen her or been to their apartment.

I know that H seeing me during the sink issue he got a fix, but guess what that was planned. I wanted that to happen. Him visiting the other day and talking to the kids in driveway yeah hes getting his fix, I just went to my room till he left so he could not see me. He did not come in either. He knows he can't. He knows I will not accept him until he drops the Sea Hag and I think he is puzzled that I won't.

Anyways gotta get DS10 in bed. {{{{Hugs}}}}}

That's why it is called a "roller coaster ride" - we have the ups , the downs :MrEEk: , and the loop -d- loops :crosseyedcrazy:

I agree with catperson on this.

B or no B.

You can clearly see what is going on by catperson's summaries.

Cut him off. Tell him to use the IM's or the children just won't be available to him.

He is still running the show. And enjoying it. He knows he is getting to T2L.

Charlotte

Funny reading all that. LOL

Well alot of his response is typical fogbabble and pitching a fit cuz he can't have his way. Expected and normal WS behavior.

But do you also see that I did not ask him to not park at the house? I told the kids to go visit at another park. So kids would say he dad lets go here.

No worries Cat, please don't feel like your being out voted, I can see how some of your childhood pain may bleed into this a bit, but I firmly feel you care for the kids and I.

I appreciate your concern for DS10 I can hear the love you have for children. When I took DS10 to therapy at Kaiser(HMO) the therapist said hes a good boy and actually he seems like he is mostly struggling through adjustment disorder mostly and that it is very typical.

DS10 does so much better when he talks and visits with his dad. DS10 does not like being upset with his father and he does not like it when him and his father are not talking. And ya know what H is really making a connection with his son better than he was before the affair. before the affair he took son for granted, he tucked him in and prayed with him every night but didn't take the time to really get to know him and now DD18 says mom its a good thing DS10 is visiting again I can see dad finally getting to really know DS10 and talk with him.

But yup hubby sure was a b*tthead at the start of PB but thats pretty normal.

I use the IM's to get his visitation schedule to him. Technically he legally does not have to abide by them. It is NOT a legal document, it is merely a suggested visitation schedule.

He only visits on those days. He IS abiding by the schedule and technically doesn't need to tell the IM's that he is visiting if he IS abiding by the schedule. He gets it and he uses it.

And there is no way I am not going to let my son, who feels better, not see his dad on visitation days. That would be punishment to DS10 not to H as H is still fogged and cannot feel the pain that DS10 does by lack of visitation.


I don't see him as running the show. Even in Schoolbus's input about what he said to DD18 about getting permission from the head honcho he knows he's not running the show. A person who runs the show doesn't ask to stay the night they just do it. He knows that I know my rights and that he cannot come into the home since he has been gone that certain amount of time. He doesn't get to talk to me he doesn't get to see, except for our "planned" break. He gets no responses to texts he does not email me and I do not talk on the phone either. yeah he parks his car in the street and plays at the park behind the house. LOL But.....that is all public property. Can't really look very sane trying to kick someone out of public property. LOL

You know...whatever.

You guys are all singing kumbayah and explaining away every complaint I've read from T2L since she started posting. And, as expected, all you got out of my posts was that I'm telling her her husband is a monster and she should divorce.

I did not say either one of those things. I said your husband manipulates ALL of you to get what he wants. That does not make him abusive or evil; it makes him someone with a dysfunctional FOO who learned early on to get what he wants by finding other people's weaknesses and playing psychology on them. That doesn't make him a monster. It DOES mean that unless you want to KEEP letting him doing so, someone needs to consider boundaries that protect T2L instead of WH.

I said that your kids are not getting the total benefit you think they're getting just because their dad now can drop by whenever he wants, nudge his way further and further back into the family structure, one sandwich or Valentine's Day present at a time - and STILL get to keep schtupping OW. Why should he change? He's been getting to do whatever he wants, short of moving his stuff back in the house, for a year now! What possible effect is T2L having on him any more? Tell me, cos I really don't see it. And all I see is two kids who are not getting resolution. Who are having to go to bed each night, thinking 'well, I guess I didn't have an effect on him. I guess I couldn't love him enough to make him see the light. I guess I screwed up again somehow, cos he didn't give up OW and come home.'

See, the thing that so many of you don't get is that to kids, it is ALL their fault, no matter how many 'talks' you have with them, no matter how many assurances they give YOU that they 'get it' and don't blame themselves. ALL THEIR FAULT. They are lying to you, T2L. That's what kids in breakups do - they protect the one who didn't leave, and they kiss up to the one who did to be worthy enough of getting him to come back.

Sure, you can say they'd be going through this even with a real Plan B. But the difference is that, with a real Plan B, not this 'keep dad happy' concoction that's been devised, T2L would have taken a stand and kept to it and made life hard for WH. He would - for once - learned that sometimes you have to live by other people's rules.

T2L, WH is cake-eating because you refuse to be more stubborn than him. And because you refuse to tell your kids 'Look, we are going to have to do a last-ditch effort to get dad to come back, and I need your help. It's going to be hard, it's going to be sad and lonely. But I need you to help me honor my Plan B letter and NOT let him get his cake from you guys until he is willing to accept that he can't always make all the rules.'

The excuse you guys are all giving about 'no one can make him stay away, it IS his house after all' is BS. That is true for each and every BS who comes here. So what's the difference? The other BS's - the ones who get their spouse back - are strong and stubborn and even mean if they have to be. Every time he pushes on your boundary, you moan and then give in, and then say 'oh well, this is good enough.' And he knows it.

Why should he not let this go on for years? As it is, he gets to keep OW, he doesn't have a court telling him what to do, and he is having a blast seeing how hard and how innovatively he can push your boundaries and wheedle his way back in. He probably hasn't been this excited about life in 30 years.

At any rate, you're just going to keep glossing over and making excuses for my points, so...the only thing I have left to say is good luck. Oh, and go sign your son up for permanent counseling. He's going to need it.

Me-ow! CP!
I see your points, I know your opinion is honest and from your heart.

- this is like a reality check on crack.

remember CONTRAPOSTO!-- the balance is somewhere in the center.

Of course it is. Which is why I was trying to get somebody to stop patting her on the back long enough to look at the reality so that someone would make an effort to GET to that center.

I'm not chewing T2L out. I'm not criticizing her and saying there's anything wrong with her.

Maybe this is striking a chord with me because my H is like T2L - a really nice, classy person who cares more about others than himself. Who doesn't have a mean bone in his body. But who, because of that, continues to get walked on at work over and over again. Like a coworker who wants H out will bark at him in a meeting (sit down and shut up - literally!), and H will simply sit down instead of being as stubborn as the other guy. So what happens? The other guy gets what he wants, while H waits for this guy to see the light and give H a break, and everyone loses respect for H.

Doesn't work that way. My H could get ahead, if he would stop and learn how other guy works and counter it. But he doesn't, so he continues to get the scraps at work.

I just want T2L to reassess how things are going.

I do, Cat.

T2L, tst and I both think you are appearing weak to WS. And IF he is close to his "breaking point", weakness allows him to avoid that breaking point.

When tst was breaking, I was CONTINUOUSLY shutting him off at every pass he tried. He didn't get in more, he got in LESS.

You are NOT in Plan B, no matter how much you tell yourself you are.

Here is a post I made a long time ago about plan B. I think it applies here:


Some BS's struggle with the purpose of Plan B:

I don't think you yet understand the PURPOSE of Plan B.

THE PURPOSE is to protect you from the drama and abuse of the affair and the WS's behavior. Plan B shields you from this drama and abuse, which in turn, restores your mental health and may help you to retain some love for your husband. Since affairs usually die within two years, Plan B can be a waiting time for the BS while she hopes for the end of the affair.

You should have no knowledge of what WS is doing or saying. Every time you talk with someone and "learn" something about WS, you ARE breaking Plan B.

You go NC with WS to PROTECT you, not to get the affair to end. It will most likely end eventually no matter what you do.

The goal is to protect yourself. You must not allow ANY information about WS to come to you, except through your intermediary....who filters out all wayward babble crap...and only gives you information about 1)finances, 2)children, and 3)his willingness to comply with ALL Plan B requirements to return to the marriage.

THAT IS IT. You should hear NOTHING ELSE.

WS may be "respecting" your Plan B, but you are not. YOU have not yet "gone dark".

It's time to butt out of his life, and start living yours.



You are still trying to DO SOMETHING to get this affair to end. Plan B is about sheltering yourself from the WS, not manipulating situations and conversations to get the affair to end. THAT is the OPPOSITE of Plan B.

And I FULLY AGREE that this is ALL a spiritual attack. So step back and let the only One who can win this battle deal with your husband.

This could take 10 years....or 10 seconds. That is how little you control your husband coming to his spiritual surrender.

This war is between him and God.

And I think you blew over tst's post to you a day or two ago.

He said YOU WERE GETTING A FIX. He was not talking about WS getting a fix (although we all know he is getting his share).

Good morning y'all.

Hooray...DS10 made it through 1 whole night in his room in his own bed!

CAT did you ever do a Plan B and how long did it last? And how long was your H a WS for? I have so many who post to me, and I'm so so so grateful for it, I was wondering if maybe y'all could post to me and tell me if you did a plan B, how long was your plan B, how successful you were in total darkness in your Plan B, did your Plan B have breaks and how close to the SAA were you.

Yes i do understand the purpose of Plan B is not to break up the affair....but I was under the understanding that in addition to that what happens when you go to PB that it will force the WS to get all his needs now from the OP and not just to protect you. I have read a few of the stories from Ace's recovery thread but not all of them you but from what I understand is that most people have not done an actual Plan B or a really crappy Plan B with tons of breaks in it. I actually don't feel to bad about my Plan B. I'm not sure why but for some reason a few people think I see my H all the time. I haven't. IN the last 3 months I've seen him twice and only for a few minutes. Other than that I have had no sight of him. Again 1 time was my fault for not telling DS10 and the other was PLANNED. I actually feel my PB is ok.

The planned break was to implement some thing, because this would have probably ended in a Stalemate, I'm almost sure of it. My H knows my loyalty and he more than likely thinks that he can make me cave and let him back in or that he will out wait me and I know that I will wait just as long. So I decided to have him fix the sink ON PURPOSE while I was gone, thank him for it and tell him to let his self out when he was done. I did this on purpose as part of something that I wanted to implement after reading CarolH's thread. She didn't even do a Plan B and she recovered her marriage implementing some changes too. So did I get a fix, I mean I love my H, he looks like crap right now and part of me thinks ewe you look awful. It may be a fix, but I like the things I am implementing, I feel it is having an impact. H is seems very concerned about what I am doing and where I am at. Every night he asks my kids where I am at and Half the time I am gone doing errands just so he cannot rely on my where abouts.

I do see how PB protects you, but anyone who has done PB knows that no matter how many pretty little activities to try and keep yourself busy with "it" is always there. Its like your more concentrated that you are trying NOT to think about it that it makes you actually think about it more because supposed to be tricking yourself. PB stinks but does get easier after a few months. i definitely don't like it but then I definitely dont like sharing my H either and I won't do it anymore and I think that H realizes this. I think he is dumbfounded that I won't let him back in. He's been told no he can't stay the night until Sea Hag is gone and he has been told no eating in the garage for sandwiches. I believe he's starting to see he can't have access to me until he chooses. I mean he may not choose me in the end, but I know I gave it my best, and really have no bad feelings about my Plan B because I have seen that not everyone has done a great one or even done what at all and I have done alright with it.

I do know that even God gave plans and tactics in battles....marched around 7 times and shouted. That was God plan.

But I do like the feedback, I do listen to what everyone is saying and weight things out and do my best to stay close to the SAA principles.

I am going to do the 2nd PBL as suggested by Schoolbus as I really valued what she had to say, simply brilliant! This will be done with the emphasis on the thing she and Pep had mentioned, and they really nailed it on spot with H. That will be done end of the week probably Sunday and in the way SB suggested.

Ok Hugs to all of I'm DS10 just got up.