Well it seems that I'm in the 'Surviving the Affair' Plan A for now then. Had a really nice time with her last night. She's now been at home for 5 days with little chance of seeing the Dude. I don't have access to her email and phone yet, so there is almost certainly contact. I feel like the friendship we share is being rekindled somewhat, I just hope that can lead to romantic feelings eventually. It's pretty tough when I just want to love and hold her, but it's just not an option at the moment.

Anyone else want to weigh in on this? I'm still feeling like a doormat.

Oh and I did read the articles 'Why Woman Leave Men'. Yes, I think this is exactly it. I just put a lot of things before her under the guise of creating a future for us and the kids. It had the effect of making her feel shut out. We've had some good talks about this. She's had this resentment growing for so long that it's hard for her to accept my words at this point. I can only just keep moving forward and hope she begins to see the change.

Listen a lot. Time now for you to learn the techniques of meeting her needs.

You and I both have to learn how to put away aggression and cherish our loved one.

MB has helped me a stack. And I'm here by fluke.

Checking through you other thread, I cant majorly fault it. You have got the Carrot and stick concept quite clearly. Your residence is common to you both and there should be no reason that any of that property should entertain OM.

If WW takes a phone and goes outside to speak, that you cannot stop. The point is that you want her to make the decision herself to stop defaulting.

Yep, building a slow interaction IS a good thing. This may suddenly change the relationship for the better.

Sigh. Emailing back and forth today about dinner ideas. Chicken pozole with marinated red onions and guacamole and sangria. This is what we first connected with in our dating days. Makes me extremely happy and nostalgic. Trying to guard my feelings.

Thanks for the input, Imagine. Concentrate on meeting her EN, and buckle up for the inevitable roller coaster ahead.

[censored]. WW just called and canceled dinner plans to go talk to her brother. The lack of regard for my feelings is utterly brutal. This is just too much.

Alright, I made the dinner anyway, and it was delicious. The kids ate a ton of guacamole. Feeling a little more centered and back to Steve McGandhi. I'm prepared for whatever WW has to say tonight, even if it's another 'the marriage is over' talk.

A couple glasses of sangria is helping me with my courage, admittedly. It's nice to face this stuff without a lot of anxiety because i think that tends to spoil your ability to remain peaceful and confident in the face of a very difficult situation. Plan A is as much about facing life moving forward, making the correct changes to my behavior and if that causes the WW to come back around, then good. Buuuuut, it's not expected or relied on because I have no control of her feelings and coping skills.

Feels good to face problems with a sense of peace in my belly. And posole, guacamole and sangria.

Look, you may win or not, but this part of getting better changes you to become a better husband.

Another thing about whether she discusses divorce or not is immaterial. Leave the subject alone. The rule around here is the BS talks reconciliation, your lawyer talks divorce.

Control of her feelings is how you meet her emotional needs. You may only see the effect of your efforts much later.

WW got home at about 9:00. Don't think there was an OM visit in there, even voluntarily calling as she got to her brother's and left. There's been more effort on her part to be accountable which is nice. The really tough thing for me is her apparent lack of feeling for me. Still, I like the direction this is going so far. She ate the meal I had prepared and kept saying it was excellent. At least we share this!

We talked a little about a couple we know who are on the brink of divorce. He cheated for a second time last fall and she's done. My wife has been his close confidante during this, which has driven me crazy because I think the two feed off each other. She commented that his wife is giving him nothing and the guilt is destroying him. She said, at least you are willing to see my side of this. So, I think that's a good recognition.

It's been a week since our last talk about the direction this is going. I would very much like to talk about it more, but don't want to rock the boat. Any suggestions? Just keep plugging away at Plan A?

Imagine, can you tell me about your situation? Do you have a thread?

Your W needs to stay away from him!!

As for her having "no feelings" rite now.....actions speak the loudest....feelings come back.

A wise person once told me.....dont take the temperature of your M/R.....no boat rocking is about rite IMHO. When she is ready..she will let you know.

Yeah, I wish this relationship wasn't there. My wife didn't know he had cheated again until I told her last night! I've talked to his wife a few times, so I have her side of the story. Apparently this guy came onto my wife really hard awhile back. I confronted him about it and pointed out that this is what got him where he is right now. I'm not worried about my wife establishing a romantic relationship with him, I just wish she recognized the unhealthy nature of it. I'm not in a place to demand too much right now, so there is an element of just letting this play out. She's a smart girl and if she chooses to start getting through this in a healthy way, hopefully we can discuss some boundaries around relationships with others.

OK, I'll try not to rock the boat. There are no assurances right now anyway. Thanks for the advice.

I want to rock the boat!!!!! No word all afternoon... Questions about dinner tonight not responded to. Pick up the kids from preschool, come home... waiting waiting waiting. No word. Order a pizza, we eat alone. Just got a text saying she's at a happy hour with her coworkers after a product launch at work. Not a single mention of this all day, even when I asked her to pick up the kids because I was going to work late.

Who knows if the story is true, it's just the utter selfishness is so hard to take. I know she's just trying to take her independence after years of kids and work and drudgery and doing things my way. It doesn't make it any easier to deal with. We both tried very hard to pull our weight as parents, and it just seems like she doesn't care right now, all the while rationalizing it all with work. This cold sefishness is just so hard to take.

I'll keep my cool. Friendly and smiling! That's me! I just want this to end.

Can someone tell me the difference between Plan A and doormat?

The doormat does not expose and financially limit her activities.

To answer your earlier question about my thread: I have never been cheated upon by my wife. Been here since 2007. I will write a comprehensive thread a little later.

Want some advice on the Plan A timeline. I gave myself 2 months from D-day to not make any decisions and to just stick with Plan A. I told myself that this would be a day to re-evaluate. If progress is being made, then I can extend the date another couple months if needed. Dr. Harley recommends up to 6 months for Plan A. I just don't think I can hang in there that long. Can anyone else weigh in on the length of time? I've heard some suggest much shorter, and suggest that there are differences between men and women. I know I need to recognize that she is very disillusioned and will need to see some real change before she committs to anything, so I know there is no magic formula. What are some of the lengths of time people out there have given their Plan A?

This first month has absolutely flown by. I've never experienced a time warp like this, even during my kids' infancy.

Time.....great question!

Use your plan A time to
1. Be the best Zen you can!! Dad, husband, friend.
2. Journal journal journal!!! You are extending your best foot forward.....like you said above SHE is being selfish! Don't worry about her rite now focus on the kids.

When you have reached your personal time limit look over what your journal/intel says....then decide.

Plan B/D next??


Hope this helps....

Oh I think I'll go with Plan B next, unless something horrible happens before then. Not like it can get much more horrible than it is now though.

Where did all the other advice givers go? Did I fall off the map somewhere? Or is it just that I'm in the middle of the wait and see period and there's not much advice except to stick with Plan A?

I'd really like to hear MelodyLane's take on the living situation. This week has seemed to be pretty good, but she seems to be growing distant again which seems related to contact with The Dude. I want to reiterate that our house and our bed is for US as a married couple, and there is no room for another man. I dunno, maybe I'll just see how this evening goes. It's strange how you can see them descending into the fog.

She is skipping dinner with you and the family to see her brother. She is not calling and going out to the bar with "workmates".

Sorry, but I think she is still seeing the OM.

Oh I'm under no illusions there, believe me. She hasn't committed to anything which is to say, she's still involved in one way or another. I'm just kinda not sure where to go next. Reiterate boundaries or don't rock the boat?

You need to stay in Plan A, and rock the boat. There is no way she should be heading out anywhere and leaving you with the kids.

Don't make it easy for her to disrespect you and the family.

zen, if you go Plan B, how will that occur? Who will live where? How will you get her out if you stay there (and I sure hope you're planning on staying there with the kids - do NOT leave the kids)?

ETA, don't want you to think I'm telling you to go Plan B. Just that, if you have to do legal things, it's best to be aware of them ahead of time.