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#2209807 02/09/09 09:22 PM
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If it matters to you at all, I wanted to let you know that you are saying almost VERBATIM what MORTARMAN tried to hammer into my head during my PLAN B...and he was absolutely correct...

If you are interested, that thread is on ACE'S SUCCESS STORIES.."MY GIFT TO YOU"..

Mortarman used to call himself the PLAN B CZAR...I think...HE'S GREAT!!

Any time I came out of the DARKNESS, he would BLAST ME and tell me how I was prolonging my H's affair..and he was sooo RIGHT...

I'm not as familiar as others with T2L's situation..it may be different than mine was...

But I think your posts are INSIGHTFUL and of GREAT VALUE in communicating how PLAN B should operate...


I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
mimi_here #2209814 02/09/09 09:31 PM
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Check out this post from Mortarman to me in MAY 2003

Quote
Mimi,

Let's look at the other side of this. It might be GOOD that you have these loose ends to tie up. Why do I say this? Let's look at this.

You are in Plan B now. He may think you are not serious, but may wonder what you are up to. look at my post with ALost Soul today. I think that Plan B is for getting you ready for either your husband's return or a new life without him. So...start getting on with your life. Start tying up the loose ends. do it on your own. Dont tell him...just do it. Start a new account at a new bank. Move your electronic payments to the new account. Anything that is his, begin to shut that down. tell him before hand in an email or letter. "H, I have made the car payment on your car this month. That account is now being closed. You will need to find other arrangements for next month for payment of your car. Mimi."

Begin to start separating things Now, what will this do? several things actually. As you know, this is not a game. But there are rules. You are in Plan B and finally getting on with your life. If your husband is never going to return, it is time you start getting things ready for your new life. If he is, it is time you stop enabling him. I started doing this to my wife when I got in Plan B. I shut off the car insurance on our cars, and got new insurance just on my car. She was forced to go get her own insurance.

Now, besides the pain of having to do all ofthis to them, what else will be done here? They will begin to see that you are moving on with your life. You are serious about NC. You are serious about moving forward. This will force them off the fence. If he still loves you, he will begin to panic that he is losing you. He wont hear from you because you are in Plan B. He will only see your actions. And they will be slowly turning out the lights on the marriage. If it is still in him, he will come looking for you before it is too late.

So, I see these loose ends as good. Take your time. Begin to shut things down a little every week. As each tie is broken, you will begin to feel stronger. If he comes back, you will feel more in control of yourself in the reconciliation. If he doesnt, then Plan B will lead you to the eventuality of no love for him...and then you can begin your new life.

I still bet that your hubby will be like my wife. When Plan B is fully NC, and he sees you beginning to turn out the lights, I believe it will cause the fog to begin to dissipate. tne we will see what kind of man he is.


I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
mimi_here #2209815 02/09/09 09:32 PM
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Quote
He will only see your actions. And they will be slowly turning out the lights on the marriage. If it is still in him, he will come looking for you before it is too late.

THIS IS EXACTLY, EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED!!


I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
mimi_here #2209817 02/09/09 09:35 PM
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I don't get the whole Mortomer Plan B czar thing. Having read his posts he broke his Plan B constantly!


Plan D June 08
Me FBS 36
W 38
Married 13/1/09
The best is yet to come, with or without your WS
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I think we learn from our mistakes...take what we learn to help others...

Both Mortarman and I are happily recovered in our marriages...




I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
mimi_here #2209825 02/09/09 09:41 PM
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If it matters to you at all, I wanted to let you know that you are saying almost VERBATIM what MORTARMAN tried to hammer into my head during my PLAN B...and he was absolutely correct...

Mimi,
I know this post is intended for catperson so forgive me for the invasion.
I'm a FWW and I've also been adviced by Mortarman, he is absolutely wonderful. I think T2L could really use his expertise.
I have been following her thread, I think she is doing good on her PB but I also see where cat is coming from.
Anyway, I really think T2L should call for Mortar's advice or Mark or tst. Just my 0.002.

Angie



angie1718 #2209826 02/09/09 09:43 PM
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TST and SMB have been posting to her...


I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
mimi_here #2209881 02/09/09 11:49 PM
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Thanks mimi. Kind words. I was starting to get a little out of joint.

I've been trying to be as diplomatic as possible, but it really bugs me that he has all the manifestations of an abusive/controlling personality, but she's not protecting herself from it. In fact, Harleys say you should not do MB with an abusive/controlling personality because that person can twist it around to his advantage.

Oh well, they all seem to think it's all going fine. I just hope she remembers today 10 years from now when her kids are imploding.

catperson #2209900 02/10/09 12:14 AM
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Ya know I have tried to be as kind as possible, but I do not appreciate you prognosticating my children's future through the eyes of you and your brother's past. My children did not grow up in your household.

Well of course my H seems controlling and manipulative he just got plan B'd. In fact it seems that most WS's are not happy campers when they get Plan B'd. Every single one of them are quite upset so how is my H any different.

My sitch is not your childhood and my children are not you and your brother. My H was a pretty darn decent guy up to this point. He had some internal stuff he still needed to work through from his childhood but he was not a tyrant. Each and every one of us has those little things to work through and my H isn't any different. Yup he lost right now as are most WS's. But that does not mean they are all hopeless.

All people by nature have controlling issues in some small way. All people, so I don't veiw my H as any different either.

So let's say that you have a spouse that is very passive and you are the spouse that is bossy and controlling does that mean you should not implement the MB program to improve your marriage? IF so then you probably should have quit judging by your own posts.

Ya know I told you that you had valid points but when you go near prognosticating over my children you crossed a boundary with me that few should ever go. So yes stay off my thread.


Me-39 H-38/Married 19years/DD18 & DS10
Dday EA/PA 4/23/08 Left home 5/08/08
Moved in w/Sea Hag 08/01/08
Read SAA Sept 08 Plan A 10/03/08 thru 11/15/08
Plan B 11/15/08-currently
01/18/09 Plan B crack w/phone call restating PBL
01/31/09 Planned brief contact
02/15/09 Delivery of Planned 2nd PBL
Filed for D Dec 2009 Recovering well!
Trying2live #2209903 02/10/09 12:25 AM
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CAT:

Again this was meant for YOU..was why I made a separate thread..

I was sharing my opinion that you have a GREAT and HELPFUL UNDERSTANDING of PLAN B...


I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
mimi_here #2209950 02/10/09 01:58 AM
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Hey -- We're all on the same side here. Affairs suck. Waywards suck. OPs suck more.

And we're all hurt and suffering and trying to cope.

And sometimes we BSs just don't want to be told that we're not doing something the right way. It's not that we're not listening, it's just that sometimes we're listening with our hearts instead of our heads.

T2L, Firenice, Hope and I are from long-term marriages. We've been with our spouses for many years and feel we know them better than anyone else. Or at least we used to.

Sometimes I know I choose to hear what I want to hear based on my history with H forgetting (or not wanting to accept) that he's no longer my H but an alien WH.

I think we all appreciate the advice from the veterans. They've "been there, done that" and can walk us through the steps to better our chances of recovery. But we all know that what works in one situation may not work in another.

So give us BSs a break. We're still in pain whether we're in Plan A or B or D or FU. And we're physically and mentally exhausted. We've been through he!! and back and -- guess what? --we're still in he!!.

So please, vets, keep the advice coming. Just don't be offended if we don't "get" everything offered.



M 25 yrs, 3 teens
Dday 12/07
5ish False Recoveries (all in 2008)
12/08 WH moves in w/OW, her kids
Plan B/D/FU -- depending on the day
He files 1/09; D final 12/2012
"I'm moving on"
Holyheart #2209966 02/10/09 03:51 AM
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Hi guys

I just wanted to say that I agree with CAT and MIMI...

My planB sucked and looking back, WH manipulated me and got his own way many times...MIMI has always advised us BS to be DARK and she is sooo right.
My problem was that I thought I knew my WH better then anyone (together 27 yrs since 15yrs old)...BIG MISTAKE.....all WS are the same.....

I am now divorced since Dec and he married the OW 20 days later....

He wants to be friends....rattled off a bunch of good qualities that he thinks I have...strangely all the qualities OW doesn't have from listening to my boys....I told him its not going to happen...I am still plan Bing him for my sanity.

He has dragged his feet at cutting some ties with me like stopping some debt orders that I should be paying (he just deducts the amounts from my maintenance money every month) its so frustrating....

Hows this for fog babble....if we don't communicate how will we know if we'll ever get back together in the future? We don't know what can happen tomorrow?
I was speechless.....

sorry for rambling on about myself....


BS;ME43,WH45
DS19,DS16
DDay:6Dec06
WH left12Dec06
DIV:3Dec08
WH marries OW 21days later!







hopenpray #2210115 02/10/09 10:33 AM
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Oh, GEEZ...

When are we BS going to GET these plans and just implement them and stop making excuses for cracking them?

And that's what they are EXCUSES, just like the waywards make. Justifications (oh, well, it was about the kids, or, I didn't KNOW it was going to be WS on the other end of the line (Bullpucky, BTW), or whatever emergency du jour we can conjure up to get our own fix).

My plan B worked, when I got dark. Plain and simple. Now, I didn't recover my marriage (it takes two), but I FINALLY, after one poor attempt, instituted a good plan B, intermediary and all, and it worked to clear me up and shut him out.

Y'all are gonna have to suck it up and get dark. That's it.

If you do, you'll get a better chance at recovery, and, trust me, you're gonna need all your strength for that, cuz plan B is a walk in the park, in comparison...



Me-BS-38
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I don't think her problem is with criticism of her Plan B. I think she is offended by the continual judgement about what SHE is or isn't doing for her kids. She's offended and IMHO has every right to be.

You said it, she got it, she didn't happen to agree.

Let it go.

She's doing the best she can do under the circumstances. It's her choice and we need to respect that.

We aren't the MB nazis.




wildhorses74 #2210142 02/10/09 10:57 AM
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Wow, I was speaking generally.

Last edited by silentlucidity; 02/10/09 11:10 AM. Reason: So, I won't bow out....

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I wasn't speaking directly to you, SL. I just clicked on "reply" at the latest post - that was you.

My apologies if I offended you.

Fox


ETA: She reminds me of LilSis

wildhorses74 #2210155 02/10/09 11:08 AM
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No, no offense. I get frustrated, just as I'm sure so many did with me, when one SAYS they are doing Plan B, but then excuses abound for why it just CANNOT be done. I was one of those people, making excuses. It wasn't until I stopped that senseless behavior that I was able to let go.

Some just aren't cut out for these plans. They take discipline . I was terrible at Plan A. Just terrible. I know that about myself. But recovery, dang, that's just tough all around.

It IS difficult with children, but nowhere near impossible, and picking up the phone and reiterating your plan B letter is just both spouses getting their fix. I did it, I know.


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Yep, I get that part and agree with you.

As you know, I SUCKED at Plan B.

Now that I am a few years away form the D-day and can look back more clearly on my M, I am GRATEFUL to be divorced. I don't think it is in WxH to change. I would have wasted MORE of my years by staying with him and continuing to be the only one trying to make a better relationship.

As you said, it takes two.

Sometimes success IS divorce.

I feel for T2L in the aspect that she is very sensitive of her children. She is doing everything she can think of to do and has to take into account her own situation and apply the OFFERED advice as she sees fit. The advice is OFFERED, it is T2L's choice to use it or not.

Cat has many good points but as soon as T2L starts being told what her boy is thinking from someone who ISN'T her boy, she takes offense. I would too, with the way it is being said.

Again, we are back to delivery of the OFFERED advice.






wildhorses74 #2210182 02/10/09 11:28 AM
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At a certain point, the delivery can cause some to turn a deaf ear to even the best advice.

A certain somebody comes to mind in the Foxy situation, who shall remain nameless

OK not nameless, it's BR!!!!


Some good advice can get lost when we are sensitive to our childrens' needs and feel like we need to DEFEND our choices.

There is no need to defend them, they are our choices. People here and just trying to give us the best TOOLS so we make the most informed choices.


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Originally Posted by cowgirl
I SUCKED at Plan B.


Oh come now Cowgirl. I though your Plan B was beautiful. It was all dark sort of like a big mall opening with several of those giant air raid lights moving back and forth into the sky. Oh, and fireworks too. Don’t forget the fireworks.

Last edited by chrisner; 02/10/09 11:32 AM.

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