SSS,

Maybe I've missed this, but did you expose to your two sons or not?

Given the most recent nukes that have flown your way, I hope you are doing ok SSS.

Hi black_raven

Thank you for asking. I had stopped posting on this thread because I was thinking of some of the things Pepperband had mentioned and then I got whacked on Friday, again on Saturday, again on Sunday and then again today with new info. Much of it was just hurtful but some of it was deadly and of course he did not think they were anything special because he would have had to think of me to understand how bad they were but all he could think of was his overpaid girlfriend, as he said at the time he hated me.

I think the worst thing is that I told him on October 4th, the day after I found out with the first small piece of info he gave me that I wanted it all then. I told him that I did not want to work on recovering only to have him hit me again and send me back to the beginning. This was pre MB so I had no backup but I told him and he did not follow. This has been continual every few weeks since then and every time I tell him this but he is still doing it. To me that hurts almost as bad as the 25 years of other women.

Teetering on the edge here. Thinking there may not be a reason to work on this M any more but we talk to Steve in the morning. He always helps me.

Thank you so much for asking.

I know you have been whacked over and over and probably don't know which way is up right now. Sorry. But one thing to keep in mind is GM has 20+ yrs of details to puke out. I know it seems of little comfort when you are subjected to one blow after another but trying to wrap up 20 years all at once or in a very short period of time is tougher than most.

{{{SSS}}}

I amm really worried about you. How could any husband hide what he did for all those years...that well? How could you not see it? The money missing? Other clues? Perfume on clothing? Him being home so little?

You could have 10 STD's now. From all of this.

I really do not understand how you, an intelligent woman, did not see it. It does not add up to me.

That's because you have never been betrayed.

Those of us who have know that it isn't as simple as not seeing it.
We KNOW something isn't right, but we can't quite put our finger on it.

And the truth is, no one expects the worst from their spouse.

What do you not understand? Do you think I am making this up? Do you think I have never asked myself how I could have been so stupid? In the end it adds up to me, it adds up to my FWH (yes I do think it is former) and it has certainly added up to Steve. His answer to my asking how I could have been so stupid was that like every married person I assumed my husband wanted the best for me and that he loved me. I did not snoop or check around because I believed him. He cheated once, we got past that and I assumed he was back to being my husband. He was not good to me but I was working on it. Kids sidetracked much of my worry. He reassured me. Did I suspect? Yes. Did I check up on him? No. I trusted he would not have done the things with me he had done if he was cheating. Really, who would ever suspect the depth of his betrayal when you thought you were loved (sorta kinda loved)?

I guess to you that is stupid and perhaps it is. Whatever, the point now is to move forward. Because of our situation our program is very different from many of the others here. We are working on it. It is hard for me and feeling stupid does not help. I will work on this until it works or not. I did not stick in an inadequate marriage this long to just up and leave. This man, for better or worse, is part of my soul and I will do what I have to to try to make it work.

I have now had my share of STDs and I am very aware of the need to take care of myself. Thanks for reminding me though.

Kids sidetracked much of my worry

I can understand this. Sorry I said anything.

It's OK Stella.

I am not myself today, coming out of a very bad 4 day stretch. I am sorry for being so short. Just be glad you are not living within hearing distance of my house, lol. I am heading for a blah streak thankfully. None of this excuses my behavior though.

You don't have to answer every poster, hon.

Pick the ones that are constructive. Otherwise your thread will turn to venom.

OK, I am coming back to try and start this. Man Pepper, you certainly know how to make a person think. It is much appreciated though because I was still hanging on to what I thought I was and it has not been helpful.

This will be long..........

I did raise two amazing sons and I am very proud of that. Each of them have been here the two times I totally crumpled since finding out about GM's A. Later after I finally came out of it I realized that they took care of me the way I had taken care of them when they were little and hurt. They each were scared to see their Mom in such a state and they each held me like I was their child and told me how they still needed me and loved me and were afraid for me. They have each promised to be here as soon as they could if I needed them and to always be available by phone if I needed. I realize now that their love and their being have been my only reason for living. Everything else was just to compensate for my lack of a marriage. I am very proud of the men my babies have become. I did well there.

I did try my hardest to be the wife GM needed but he raised the bar every time to the point that I finally realized that he would never be happy. He now remembers how he treated me and is ashamed and confused. Each "failure" was met with a threat. I was afraid, it has always been fear and I never figured that out until now. I tried off and on through the entire marriage and was either treated like a stupid failure or reassured of his love and commitment. Both of those things, the love and commitment, were lies to keep his prop for everyone to see and someone to take care of the kids. He has admitted that he did not feel love for me from the moment we got married until now. He does not know why marriage changed everything. I felt it, I saw it change, I did not understand it and I became afraid very quickly.

Fear in a stubborn person who like you was a Pollyanna just does not work. I put the worry aside and just went head first into being the best mother I could be without smothering my sons with my need.

I have also realized one of my biggest assets was also one of the biggest reasons I allowed all this to happen. I have always been known as "The Rock". I was the person everyone brought their fears and problems to. I could handle anything and advise and help without crumbling under the pressure. I took care of their kids, their health needs, listened about their problems and helped them when they needed. I was one busy little beaver and strong as an ox. Now I see that my strengths (Pollyanna delusions, being stubborn and a rock) were what enabled me to hide the fear from myself. I knew, I always knew what GM was up to. He had constant EA's as well as everything else. The entire hospital would call me about what he was up to and when I confronted him he would blow it off. He could not be expected to change. He was totally independent of me and our family. I let it go, I was busy and strong, he was not really going outside our marriage. I let him do it by letting it all get hidden in my strength and by accepting his strong reassurance that I was the only one even though things were not good.

I honestly think GM gets it. I honestly think GM loves me again. I honestly think he has earned his "F" by accepting what has happened and going head first into accepting blame. He feels remorse and I see it daily. He acts like the husband I always wanted. We really have never been married and now it seems we finally are. He is working the program harder than I am and supporting me when I say it is all too fast for me and I run backwards for a while. I am allowing myself to be vulnerable at times. Still, I do not trust my judgment yet and have my guard up most of the time. I do not think that is unwise for now.

Yes we are close in age. I am 55 until December. We grew up in an odd time for women. Everything changed mid life didn't it? It confused men but they have no idea how confused it left us.

Thanks my friend. With the help of MB we are trudging through and sometimes there is a tiny light of hope now. That is a good thing .

So you have answered my question of many posts ago which was: "How could you not have known?"

So now you have discovered that you HAVE known all about this on some level.

You have been told of his indiscretions many times.

You have ignored all this.

You have put up with his abuse and lies

I am sorry you felt so badly about yourself that you put up with him all these years and cheated yourself out of a marriage. You are, even now, possibly ignoring the situation enough to "keep him there" and not immediately divorce him.

My hope for you is that you bolster up your own self esteem so high and strong that you can demand better treatment from him or have the strenght to finally divorce him. At the very least you should get a strong post nup agreement and take most of what he has "left" after he blew your time, money, energy, and the "best of himself" on these other women.

Please bolster your self esteem way up. So that you do not shut your eyes to the truth ever again.

That's always an interesting place to begin a journey!

Good job!

That wasn't so hard, was it?

Hi Stellakat!

I did know but I also did not. I had no proof. I did let things go. I had my children to think about. I found out about the first one because he came home with an STD that he promptly gave to me. I thought we had worked that out although I have never healed from it. So Stella, it was fear. Purely fear that kept me there and stopped me from checking.

Those could be passed off as rumors. I hated it and I railed about it always but again I did not want to fail at this and I was afraid of all that losing him meant.


No. I never ignored all the rumors. It was very painful and I LB'd him to death with it constantly. I was waiting until our children were out of the house then I was going to split. He took that time after the youngest left to reassure me that we were going to work things out and that he loved me. It was all a lie but I willingly believed it. That was the very time he started up the final 6 years of skank-ho love.


Yup I did, you certainly got me there.


Me too, me too. Not now though. Even though I do not entirely trust my own judgment I see monumental changes in this man. Why? I am not certain. I wish I could believe it was for me but I can't, not yet and that is what I am waiting for. This is a site to heal marriages that need healing is it not? I would rather try this than simply divorce. He was always so good to everyone else so I know the essence of the man I fell in love with 30 years ago is still there. Why he chose to single me out for this kind of treatment is a problem in him that he is addressing with his own therapist.


My self esteem is good now. I admit, I had little but over the years it has grown as I set off to raise two kids by myself and also create a life for myself rather than wait around for the once a year ILY from GM. I am not afraid of divorce. I am quite capable on my own and do not mind being alone. It would not be my choice but I can certainly do it if I need. 100% retroactive post nup is in the works.


I have Stellakat. I will never trust him blindly nor will I ever let him sink below the high standards I have set for him to stay. Thank you for your post.

:RollieEyes: HA! Piece of cake! :RollieEyes:

Well - I guess this old dog can be taught ....

You said:


I know, I know.
This person makes one-hell-of-a good nurse, but doesn't sound like a sex-pot wife



< ~~~ look! a new one !

The sex pot went away when there were rules and conditions placed on her . She is BACK and making her own rules now!

I was thinking about that nurse thing. Yes, you and I both filled that qualification very well. Forever kissing boo boos.

Oooooh, a new shiny thing to divert my attention .....oh, that was the old me .

Cute, I like it.

It took forever for me to start on the inward trail. It was painful to discover how much I really did suspect or know letting the proof go. Fear is a terrible thing. "I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when my fear is gone I will turn and face fear's path, and only I will remain." Paul Atreides DUNE

Hey everyone, I have a question.

I have been getting ready to sit down and evaluate where I am with all of this. I am going to think and then ask some questions. I still have not compiled a good list for a polygraph. I do have some questions written down but do not know if they are good. This is a must for me, that he take it and that he pass it and that he is willing to go in any time I might request it. Just one more bar he has to be able to clear. Can I post them for suggestions and additions?

What struck me today that is of great importance right now is the 6 month deal I keep reading about. We are going to hit 5 months on Tuesday (it seems like forever). I am dreadfully worried about the 6 month hit that I apparently am going to take. I have read that it is because at 6 months you can finally begin to realize just what has happened to you and the magnitude of it in your life. Is there any way to deal with this in advance or prepare in any way?

The one really good thing, at least I think it will be good, is that we are doing the MB weekend a week and a half before we hit the 6 month date.

Sheesh, something else to worry about I suppose. Any suggestions or help? Does this always happen around the 6 month time frame? Does it always happen? It terrifies me to think that I have not accepted the magnitude of this yet but I do fear I have not. What can I do to prepare?

Don't try and stop it when it happens.
Let 'er rip.
Dance with the goats when you feel you might explode.
It's not as bad as when it comes as a complete surprise.
Go have a salon day - the works.
Go on housework strike - OR - clean house like a whirling dervish (whichever works or alternate at your discretion)
Pharmaceuticals when necessary.
Write filthy poetry.
Say "the F word" 10 hundred times, until you start laughing at yourself.
Like gas from raw onions and bell peppers, it's better outside than inside.

Hi SSS,
Yup, that's a great list. The oven seems to be a great thing for me to scream at, I don't know why, I love my oven, it's just there I guess. :RollieEyes:

I am at the 6 month mark, I take it that it is anger that you are worried about???
I have gotten angry, but I don't think to the degree that I've read about, so maybe that is yet to come.
What I have found difficult is triggers and dreams. I wish I had been more prepared about them. It seems when I read here, I tend to digest what is applicable at the time. Last month, triggers and dreams did not seem to be an issue, now I look for info on them.

An event came up recently that my H is to go to. This event is the same kind that started his A. It threw me for one H3ll of a loop, since I didn't expect that something so unimportant, or so I thought, would affect me like it did.
I began feeling uneasy, then angry, then sad, and then the anxiety set in. Travelled like a hot flash. . Then the panic attacked. This was so new to me. I was able to recognize the panic from the MC mentioning it. I think this helped b/c I could give that feeling a name and was better able to control, as best as possible.

If it happens again, at least I can recognize it, and I know it will pass.
I have figured out that a trigger can be anything you expect, and anything you don't. How's that for wisdom. Wish I could say more to help you.

Take extra care prn