I've posted and had great advice on "just found out".
My biggest question right now is "how can I work plan A if she leaves out of anger when I expose?"

thoughts?

The question should be: "how can I save my marriage from divorce if I continue to enable the affair?"

Can you answer that for me? The greatest threat to your marriage is the AFFAIR, not exposure. Your marriage can survive her temporary anger, it can't survive an affair. Remember, your goal here is to save your marriage, not to avoid your wife's wrath at all costs.

I completely agree with you ... I'm no longer questioning exposure, I am expecting her to leave when I expose, and am wondering how to meet her EN if she's not around ... I don't get that part.

hopeful, do you want to save your marriage? Do you want what WE HAVE or do you want what YOU HAVE?

The best you can do in Plan A, since most WS's won't let you meet their needs home or not, is just to make sure they know you are willing to meet their needs in the future if they end their affair. That is the best you can do when one is in an affair.

Hopeful,

I feel your pain, it is a bit confusing on exactly to go about implimenting Plan A, when they aren't around.

Just make sure you work on yourself, take care of yourself, and learn about what it truely means to be a husband she would really want to be with the rest of her life.

Like it's been said on here before, stay upbeat when you speak to her, compliment her, check your anger, and try not to beg (which I have done), whine (been here too), or judge her (yeah again guilty). There is a fine line, the hard part is for us to figure out where that line is for our paticular WS.

Once the wall (fog) starts to lift, you may be able to do more.

If you are sick are you going to wait a week before you take the medicine?

Your marriage is sick. Why wait on exposure?

A lot of WW's threaten to leave and don't. If your WW was going to leave exposure did not do it. She had already planed it. She's just using exposure to place the blame on you.

This is the same warped logic that WW's use to do the OM.

What to you have to lose?

What your WW will really get made?

So made she will bang the OM?

Oh I'm sorry I forgot she's already doing that. I see exposure only helping. Exposure can't make things worse.

What is important is to convey to the WS that you understand the problems in the marriage and are WILLING to rectify them if the affair is ended.

excerpt from What Are Plan A and Plan B?

And keep in mind that most affairs DON'T END in Plan A. But when the affair does end [usually in plan B] the WS has a soft place to land because they know there is a future in the marriage.

Plan A (like all the plans) is for YOU.

While your wife is living at home but actively involved in the affair, all your attempts to meet her ENs will not make deposits into her LB$. She is in a state of withdrawal and your Plan A actions do not get through to her. So you are doing Plan A primarily for yourself. You are learning to be a better spouse.

Sure, Plan A has the happy side effect of making the marriage a more attractive option than the affair, but Plan A is primarily for YOU. When she ends the A, commits to NC, and goes through withdrawal, you'll be in the habit of meeting ENs and avoiding LBs. You'll make deposits like mad then.

I think you're wasting your time worrying about IF she leaves. What if she doesn't leave? Expose already. If she does leave then she'll be an adulterer AND she'll have abandoned her family. People will look at her knowing she's done those things. How do you think she will feel then?

What are her top ENs? They can be met if she's living outside the home, though it is more difficult.

Conversation: call, send notes, email, text messages, ask her out to lunch and chat. Do NOT talk about the marriage, the affair, recovery, the relationship!!! Talk about normal fun stuff.

Financial support: This is a great one because it works two ways. You can support her while punishing the affair. Pay the normal bills: mortgage, utilities, car, insurance. If you guys have talked about savings in the past establish a savings account or a college fund for the kids and let her know you've done that. Get rid of unnecessary expenses, especially if they're self-indulgent and she doesn't like them - like a golf club membership that only you use. Do NOT pay for anything that supports the affair - if she moves out, make HER pay for her rent, her utilities, her car, her groceries.

But you know what? She may not leave. And if she does, she's got the "I abandoned my family" stigma to deal with.

thanks again ... you're all getting through to me ... I found a post about the "carrot and stick" and finally get it.

will plan and act ... and post to let you know how it's going.

Glad its sinking in, hope! Please don't make the mistake of exposing in a half [censored] way. That is the equivalent of bringing a pea shooter to a gun fight; you will just end up SHOT for no gain. Going half way leaves the waywards slightly wounded and angry enough to retailiate. And their anger frightens some BS's so badly that they don't finish exposure.

So, use your best shot gun and take your BEST SHOT the first time. It should be a tsunami that makes it harder for the affairees to recover.

The best tactic that I know is to make up a list of key targets and expose on the SAME DAY. If you don't expose to all at the same time, you run a high risk of the affairees getting wind of your plan and PRE-EMPTING you. Trust me, if they know what you plan, they will get to the target first and spin you as a jealous nut who is imagining an affair. So when you do call, your credibility will be ruined and the person will scold you for calling.

So, make up that list and start making phone calls. Tell the target you are trying to save your marriage, tell them about the affair and ask for their advice. Hopefully they will offer to call your wife and have a chat.

Good exposure targets are:

1a. the SPOUSE or SO of the OP
1. her parents, your parents, the OM parents
2. her siblings, any friends who know right from wrong [if she has female friends who are enabling her, then don't bother with them - they are not real friends and are useless parasites of your marriage]
3. employer, if a workplace affair
4. any relatives that are close to your family

If you have children over age 4-5, I would tell them too. ALONE. Kids around that age understand the concept of right and wrong and they will need to understand what is driving the turmoil in their family.

But, please do it right, hopeful.

One more thing. There are so many "hopeful" screen names on this board that I know I will find it almost impossible to keep you straight with the other 500 "hopefuls." In fact, the day you registered, someone else registered a "hopeful" screen name. You might want to consider changing it to something unique or folks will never keep your story straight.

thanks ML ... changed the screenname to greatwhitenorth. Hope you can keep track!

Thanks to all of you who helped me out along the way last week. Sorry for the absence ... been working the plan.

So, the A is exposed, probably more gently than most of you would have done, but exposed and out in the light nonetheless. I am working Plan A, WW is still home and we alternate between good conversations filled with hope of rebuilding, and hopeless conversations that end with her saying "you should just let me go"

I've reread all of your posts, and I think I understand where we are, it's a difficult but good spot. I am in counseling to deal with my emotional unavailability (major underlying problem) and she will start counseling next week - couples counseling to follow.

She has not yet committed to NC ... they are co-workers and she is not yet willing to leave her job - long story, but her job is intimately tied to her self-esteem and sense of purpose. She has told OM that she is recommitting to our marriage and that their EA is over, though they will still see each other every day. I don't want her to have to leave her job, but she has to commit to NC if we are to have a chance. So, I'm staying the course, calmly but insistently telling her that she has to commit to NC. There are creative ways for her to do her job while committed to NC. In the meantime, I am becoming a better man.

So, my question for the day is ... is this normal, does it usually take a while for the WS to commit to NC once plan A is in effect? Am I correct in understanding that I can't really make deposits in her LB$ until she goes NC? Am I correct that if she won't commit to NC that I'll eventually have to go to plan B? I just want to make sure I'm going about this the right way.


one last question ... help me interpret this fog talk ...
"I'm giving you another chance because it's fair"

A little more info ... just cause it makes me feel good to share it ... ww broke down last night as we discussed the need for complete NC ... said with tears that she really wants to fall in love with me again. When she left for work this morning I kissed her and wished for her a great day - I could tell that she knew that going to work where the OM is was hurting me, and that is beginning to bother her (the hurting me part) ... perhaps the fog is lifting ever so slightly.

How was exposure gentle?

Who was exposed?

I have been reading here for years.

The affair will lie dormant at best without NC.

WW and OM must not work together.

***edit***

no need for the insult friend.

exposure to her employer, closest friends, colleagues, church community.

i agree that the affair will lie dormant without complete NC, that is what I'm working toward. I understand that this is the point of Plan A ... I am tempted to plan B if she wont go NC but it's only been 10 days or so - seems that Harley's recommendation is 3-6 months - I was hoping for quicker results but will stay the course.

so, to be clear. exposure has happened. she's bearing the shame. I am working plan A, she has not yet committed to NC. I am planning to stay the course with Plan A ... just want to be sure that I'm not missing anything.

I will propose a creative solution to her continuing in the job she loves in a way that will allow NC. I expect this will reveal how much she loves "the job" and how much of her refusal to leave the job is really because of OM. I'll do all of this with love, compassion and understanding.

I'm not delusional, I'm working plan A to the best of my understanding - just looking for those of you with experience to keep steering me right if I'm missing it somehow.

gwn, just as long as that creative solution involves them not working at the same company. And it needs to be said FIRMLY, with love; remember that part. She needs to understand you are very serious about standing up for your marriage. Any sign of wimpiness will not serve you well. It is good to signal that you are willing to forgive, but not good to REWARD her for cruel, thoughtless behavior.

In order for your marriage to recover, they can't work together, lest she will be perpetually triggered. If she is perpetually triggered, she won't withdraw and if she doesn't withdraw, you have no recovery. That is like sending the alcoholic into the bar every day and expecting him to recover by calling his drinks "business drinks." It won't work.

My suggestion would be to let her know that your marriage cannot recover as long as she continues to work with the OM. You are willing to stay in the marriage as long as the conditions make it possible for recovery.

Just be a broken record about it and be sure she understands your feelings on this.

Exposure at work might help you in this regard, though. It will put alot of pressure on them at work when everyone knows about their affair. Its no fun to have an affair when everyone is looking!

The timeline should be based on how much of this you can take before you lose all love and respect for the WW. You will know when you are getting to that point. Even if that is only a few weeks, then you should go to plan B




I agree with Road 100% on this one (minus the insults). She has got to get out of that job. While she is in it, they will be far more creative than you and will always find a way to continue contact. There is no middle ground here. Have you really exposed completely in the workplace? to Senior management? HR?

You need to do everything you can to get her out of that workplace immediatly. Trust me, this is one of those things you will look back on a few months from now and wish you would have done differently.

It means she is still in her affair, but has just gone further underground. After all, she still sees her lover every day at work. That means a continuation of the affair until she no longer works with him.

This is how affairs turn into 5 and 10 year affairs, gwn. I hate to tell you this, but you are facing a life of hell if you sign on for them working together. That is like dying a death of a thousand cuts.

When you say you exposed the affair the "soft way" what does that mean? Is the OM married? Have you exposed to his wife, his family? Have you confronted the OM?

Here is a workplace exposure letter that some have used here [sent to director of HR and the WS's direct supervisor]:

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

BS
_________________________

thanks again for the quick responses everyone.

The workplace is a fitness gym ... hr, ceo ... none of them care at all ... all are waywards it seems.

I'm proposing that she open her own studio ... this is actually the dream profession that she's been working towards ... I'm proposing that she leave her current employ, and the OM immediately, completely and finally to open her own studio ... I would support this and make it happen if it made for a NC agreement.

I will not sign on for them working together, believe me, I don't know that I can tolerate it another week. I am trying my best to operate in Plan A positivity by offering a workable solution alongside a firm and unwavering demand for NC.

who knows ... she may turn down the opportunity ... then I guess I will know where things really stand.


OM is not married, i don't know of any family ... he just left his fiancee in the last month or so ... presumably to make room for my wife ... vindictive thoughts running through my head at this point