Well, my husband and I have been separated since June 12th - living separately but maintaining a relationship. The first few months were very rough because I was bitter and angry at him for leaving, but after getting over that and really looking at us, the last few months have been amazing - we have been going to counseling 2-4 times a month. Now it is getting tedious and we have run out of things to talk about and are going to cut down to 1-2 times a month. But, he is moving back in in March. I am so confident that our relationship is going to be so much better than it was because we have learned so much by being away from each other. It was almost like we had to separate to learn more about ourselves. (We have been together for 6 1/2 years - since we were 17). After living separately for so long, I want to make sure things go smooth. Does anyone have any advice on how to live with your spouse again after not for so long? Does that make sense?

Have you resolved the issue of where to live?

How about all the time he spends with his friends?

Well, he completely destroyed his finances in the time we were separated, so he is getting those squared away. Did I mention I am 7 months pregnant? After we get finances squared away and used to being parents, we are moving a half hour North probably. It is up to him. I am open to Portland, also, if that is where he wants to be. The friends issue stemmed from things that were going wrong in our relationship, he was basically trying to get a way from home because he wasn't happy, and that would make me unhappy, and it just ballooned from there. We had a hard time having lives together and enjoying things by ourselves before. Now, we have both learned to do that and I he has done a lot better when he goes with his friends too! He stays the weekends with me and went to a Superbowl party. He came home and I couldn't even tell if he had a drink! I was so proud! Same with the night before, we went out together to a friends house to watch the UFC fight, and he did't have one drink. Not that I would mind if he did, but I appreciated it - especially since I can't have a drink and don't want to be taking care of anyone that is drunk or drinking.

I've definitely learned to appreciate him more and show him that, also. I believe his biggest emotional need is admiration, and I didn't really give that to him before because I was always worried about him. I've realized that I am not responsible for him, he is only responsible for himself - so being separated made it so easy to step out of the parenting role and be a wife - I'm so much happier too!

I'm glad things worked out.

I would suggest sitting down with him and both of you writing out how you envision life together - separate lists.

As detailed as possible, covering every possible event - who cooks, sweeps, vacuums, takes care in for oil changes, pays bills, changes diapers, takes kids to doctor visits, mows,...

Also list what you think is fair for other stuff - how many times is too many to visit friends each month? How much notice should you give each other if you have to change plans? How much money can each spend without clearing it with the other? A 'safety' signal that you each get to use when you're fighting and need to take a break - where the other won't take it personally (respect).

Things like that. Go as far ahead in the future as you can imagine.

Then sit down and negotiate like the Republicans and Democrats do, till you reach an agreement on every point.

If you get it down in writing, any future issues can be referred to that list, and it keeps from hurt feelings or further arguing (if you're both still caring for each other). You can always sit down and re-POJA on the issues - when you're not fighting of course.

Will that work for you?