My wife knows about the night because she had a friend there and her friend relayed my behaviour to her.

It seems like drinking has caused you alot of problems. Have you considered giving it up?

Does your W think you are an alcoholic?

black_raven I know I did wrong. Im not trying to make this about me. Im asking you guys for direction and I guess hope. My wife's hurting and its because of me. I want to stop her hurting. If Im impatient then tell me. If Im dreaming, then let me know. If Im an idiot who deserves everything coming his way then let me have it. YES I have pity this very second. Because I know my beautiful wife doesn't deserve this. I want direction. Please.

She's never mentioned it. Id happily stop drinking.

Yes you are impatient and expecting too much too soon. If BW is feeling disgusted she's not going to seek help from you. Take care of the kids so she doesn't have too. Clean up the house or pay the bills so she doesn't have to. Do what you can to make other aspects of her life easier right now and if that means backing off, then do so. If alcohol is a problem, look into AA.

Thank-you. Im sitting in my office. Surrounded by workers and Im crying. I don't care what they think. How'd I ever let myself get this low in life. I feel sick and Im disgusted in myself for allowing this to happen. Im learning everyday. I just wish it didn't have to be so hard.

I know this sounds like its about me me me. Its only this way because I don't know what she's thinking. And I can only assume the pain. If I think mine is bad. Her pain will be worse.

Tony,
I was disgusted and angry at my H. Talking about how depressed you are is not going to help your W. You need to start showing your wife with action that you are committed to becoming a better man. Show her each step you take. Pretend you are your wife and fill out the EN then write her a letter explaining how you didn't meet those needs and let her know what your next step is. Let her know you are not going to give up on "Us". Do what was suggested earlier about house and kids. Are you doing these things? Have you seen the movie Fireproof? You may want to get it and then give it to your wife. Show your wife with action not words that you are serious about "Us" and not "Me".

GG

Ggirl615 Im doing everything humanly possible for 'us' I need to tidy up and learn a lot about 'me' as well. If I can understand 'me' I can take a better person into our beautiful relationship. I love the idea of marriage. I love the parenthood and responsibilities that come with it. But mentally Im not 100% My self-esteem is really low and I always feel Im not good enough. When I deal with these issues and I feel Im confident and Im strong I know I will never mess up again. I know a lot of what I say and do is clinical. That's because Im forever reading and talking and asking questions. I went to see a male psychologist yesterday. Previously I have only seen females. And I found myself talking more openly and I was expressing things I have never ever told anyone. For me that was massive and it started to give me insight into my behaviour. I know we all have issues in our life. And Im not big on excuses. But 3 psychologist now have told me I suffer 'abandonment issues' and 'attachment disorder' THEN chuck in depression. Now Im 36, fit and healthy. I work in the construction game and I always thought I was a mans man. You know, could go drink with the boys and be a bloke. But something never really felt right. Especially the last few years. These things Im talking about could be a load of hogwash and meaningless. But to me they are the reason my head hurts and why I behaved the way I did. Not just with me hurting my wife but with me in general. For a long time I have felt funny and whenever someone would except me and I could make them smile I got a real buzz. Acceptance and being wanted by others played a massive part in the way I acted in life. I see that now. My eyes are wide open to this fact now. And today I see and understand how to approach this. Being open and honest when Im down. Being a better more understanding husband. Taking less for me and give more back to her (my wife) I understand a strong marriage is all to do with a steady foundation. My wife was rock solid, I was swaying in the wind. Im not professing to having the answers. Im not trying to make this about me. The selfish old Tony is packing his gear up and is getting ready to go. Cause the new and improved Tony is on his way into town.

(ps- Im feeling positive today, I've not felt like this for awhile)

I just purchase His Needs, Her Needs. 5 Steps To Romantic Love and Surviving an Affair. I can't wait for them to arrive. Any suggestions one what order I should read these?

Thanks.

I only know His Needs/Her Needs. I'm not familiar with the other books. I found out about this site after MC began we were reading the book Relationship Rescue. I really liked the first three chapters because they make you focus on yourself. I'm glad you're learning about yourself. That really is the first step because if you are not right with yourself, you can't be right with someone else. How is your Wife? Is she talking to you? Do you see her?

GG

No she can't bring herself to look at me. I really did crush her. I wish I new what to do and say.

#1 SAA
#2 HNHN
#3 5Steps

Thanks

I have read a lot of these topics and threads. I have studied and slept on peoples thoughts and direction. And I appreciate everything that has been said so far. But can someone please tell me what am I meant to do when my wife won't talk to me. How can I help us recover? If there is a chance for us? I'm giving her space and Im leaving her alone. But its so hard. Im at fault for everything that has gone wrong in our 14 year marriage. And I really only see that now. I have woken up to my behaviour and attitude. I really am trying to understand me. I was selfish and lacked self-esteem and through that I bought my poor wife down to my level. That's not acceptable. Its only been 6 weeks apart. That seems like a life time. I know Im sounding eager and I know Im sounding pushy. Possibly also selfish. But this is hard. Im at fault and Im sorry and will be till the day I die. I just want to make this all up to my wife. I love her and I miss her.

Tony, its this kind of happy horseshytt that tells your wife that this will never work. You continually try to turn SIN into a psychological syndrome so you don't have to take responsibility for your actions. And if you refuse to take responsibility for your actions, THEN YOU DON'T HAVE TO CHANGE.

You have yet to man up here and face what you have done. instead you come on here and try to pander undeserved sympathy in a high drama more suited to a TEEENAGE AGE GURL. Good grief.

The above is more of the SAME - looking for excuses in your childhood. The reason you do what you do is because YOU CHOOSE TO DO IT. It has nothing to do with "abandonment issues" and all that other malarkey. You are a cheater because you CHOOSE to CHEAT. That is not an ILLNESS, BUT A CHOICE.

You are not taking accountability for your cruel, mean actions to your wife and until you do, she is right to stay very far from you.

I read this nonsense and fully understand why your W won't give you a chance. She should not give you a chance unless you take responsibility. And looking for excuses in your childhood and all this other psychobabble will avail you NOTHING.


This proves what I just said above. Since you take no responsibility for your actions, you view yourself as a "VICTIM."
Crying about the consequences of your own actions is hardly taking responsibility. Its very inappropriate to be crying for yourself when you have just victimized an innocent person. This is like watching the bank robber cry because he has to go to jail.

Tony, if you want to ever get your wife back, you might want to knock off the bullcrap.

Give me a BREAK.. :RollieEyes:

oh, so now it is all the fault of your poor "self esteem?" I think I am going to cry!

Of course you have POOR ESTEEM! You lie and cheat and then REFUSE to man up and take accountability.

Does that sound like esteemable behavior to you?

Psychological tip of the day: if you want to have self esteem, then ACT IN WAYS THAT ARE ESTEEMABLE!


Please pay the receptionist on your way out.

I sat down with my wife 8 days ago and I excepted I was at fault and that I was willing to do whatever was possible to recover. To date I have heard nothing. I sit on my own and ponder what might be 24/7. Maybe because I speak and question my thoughts your getting the perception Im looking into my past. Im going to counselling on my own. I can only assume that you imagine how hard it is to talk about you marital faults and how you can recover on your own. All I want is to make this right. Why is that a crime? Some days are so hard and if Im getting confused and if Im giving the wrong impression then I apologise to you all. Im trying to avoid being selfish. Im trying to be strong. If Im meant to hook up a neon sign with the words "I was at fault I cheated and hurt my wife" and drive around town then so be it. I'll look into it.

Tony,
As hard as it is you have to put aside wondering what to do with your W and you have to focus on you. Have you received the books and have your started with the first book? Did you read the articles here? No one is going to have a magic answer on what to do with your W. Every situation is different, every woman is different.

GG

2 books are coming from America. One I located here in Australia. Im hoping that's her tomorrow. But from memory that will be 5 steps to romantic love. Which by the sounds of it will be the wrong book to read 1st. So Im hoping the other 2 arrive by the end of the week. As for the articles. I have read them, printed them off and saved them.

I know what your saying and thanks.

Tony.