I hear you.
it's discouraging because I thought we were further ahead than we are. You are right, she hasn't really made any moves that make me less suspicious, or more trusting. Nothing that matches the gravity of the assault of her affair.

Left up to me, she quits, we move and start all over again with better systems in place to affair proof our marriage.

mel, thanks for taking so much time on you sat. aft to help rattle my cage ... and thanks for being gentle with the 2x4

gwn, thank God you are listening. I know how terrible this is for you and how tempting it is to settle for FOOLS GOLD. Since you are negotiating NOW, you might as well negotiate conditions that make recovery possible.

My suggestion would be to present this to her in a logical way, without making demands:

"I have been reading Marriage Builders and Dr. Harley is quite adamant that the first step to recovery means not working at the same place with the OM. If you still work together, you will still see OM occasionally and every occasion will trigger you. Also, it will cause me great worry and grief wondering about it every day. The only way for our marriage to recover is if you no longer work at the same place.

I am willing to try and work this out if you make recovery possible, and that means leaving the job."

GWN:

You might not be getting what Mel is telling you.

Your WW needs to leave this job she has. Period.

I will get back to support for this in a minute.

You started this thread with the title:


You have exposed, and done an excellent job of it, AND SHE IS STILL HERE.

So, that should tell you that waywards are pretty much the same.

You have blown up OM's world. As well as WW. WHO DO YOU THINK THEY WILL TURN TO FOR SYMPATHY?

Certainly not YOU. YOU caused this.

And guess who she gets to see every day at work? OM.

And WHAT has SHE done so far? SHE has made you a WHOLE bunch of promises, but has done NOTHING in the way of actions.

An action would be to QUIT the gym. A promise is: "I will reschedule my clients"

Question for you: HOW would you ever know that her clients were moved?

An action FOR NC would be for HER to give you HER Cell Phone and all her computer passwords. Her promise is: "I broke it off and won't contact him anymore"

Question for you: How will YOU KNOW she isn't in contact since she's still at the gym?

OK, lets get more pragmatic.

You state that she is REALLY WRAPPED up in her persona with the whole gym "thing" This is where she gets her self-esteem.

I'm cool with that. It's also where this A started and will continue.

How much does she make? What percentage of that is your family income? How employable is she?

Now, when you look at from that lens, opening a new gym, although a dream, is a non-starter. It takes cash to open, and run a facility. You can buy an existing facility, and go into debt to make it happen.

I did that. But it was an accounting practice. Guess what, it made it ALOT easier to continue my A in my own business. I foolishly thought that I would get rid of her by leaving the other place for my own. I was wrong. It made it SO MUCH easier.

If your WW isn't contributing more that 25% of the familys budget on an after tax basis, then her leaving this position and finding another, at another gym, shouldn't take to long. And the family budget will survive. If her A continues, then your entire families budget is at risk.

And she can whimper all week about how this was the "best" gym in Canada, and none of the others measure up. Of course not, they don't have OM working there.

Once she is out of the fog, and committed to the marriage, and making decisions based on reason and logic, and NOT A-crack, than you can expolre opening a facility for her. But that's at least a year to a year and a half away.

LG

An affair cause highs in the brains of the affair partners. The thrill, newness, endorphins, all create a chemical reaction.
These chemicals create feelings of happiness.

Every time the WW see's the OM her brain triggers and releases these chemcials that refuel the WW's addiction for the OM. Withdrawal will not take place if WW's body can't detox from the OM.

Alcohlic's are told they can never sit in a bar becaue the sight and smell will trigger them so they fall off the wagon and get drunk.

NC is the only way to keep an affair dead and coming back to life.

There is an old saying: Don't dump where you have to eat. Your WW chose to ignore this and poluted her job. It's not your fault that she has to leave their. It's her actions that require her to leave that job.

How are you and your WW going to reconnect with her working evenings and you days?

The gym IS a trigger. Everything about it will set her off.

Whats the story about kicking OM off the pitch.

thanks all ...

Mel, I like the logical approach.

her income is negligible - it's the connection and inspiration she gives her clients that is the drug ... she gets the ego stroke from "you've changed my life"

Regarding connection ... I work from home, and have been given a sabbatical to work this out ... we'd spend all day together.


the type of training that she does is equipment minimal and we've got perfect space in our new home for her to open a home studio ... the cash investment would be minimal.

I know rationally that NC and continued employ where she gets to continue to inspire her clients are do-able - but she's foggy, so we'll see where this goes.

There is absolutely no reason she can't do that, gwn. Let her know you are willing to work on recovery if she ends all contact with the OM. Tell her that will be impossible unless she agrees to leave the gym. And tell her "I cannot possibly have a minutes peace if you go the gym again. I cannot live like that. It is too painful."

Go tell her that right now..

GWN, I didn't really document my story very diligently here but it is very similar to yours. They worked together, in a fitness facility. The OM was engaged, I believed the job was incredibly important to my wife's self esteem.

I exposed, not as quickly or as thoroughly as you have. The OM was kicked out by his GF (A few weeks later she decided to give him another chance, that is why maintaining contact with her is important). My wife said she gave up the affair right away. Told him in person. She said she was changing her work schedule and he was changing his, they would practically never see each other. He was working towards leaving the center. It was going to take a couple of weeks, was actually more like a couple of months.

I was trying to see progress where there was none. It was a horrible torturous time that I will never forget. It took a serious toll on me physically and mentally. So much so that when I went to plan B a few months later I had simply lost the will to fight. I saw the opportunity to get a divorce on my custody terms and I moved full speed ahead.

To tell the truth I don't know that things would have turned out any different. But having had plenty of time to analyze the whole situation I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I should not have accepted them working together for one minute.

If I was to do it again it would be - stop working there immediately, and I mean do not even return to collect your stuff, or you have to live elsewhwere, And immediate plan B.

Its not a kick'm to the curb mentality GWN. By living with this emotional abuse I lost all resolve to pursue plan B when it got that point. That is the risk you run.

thanks BorW - sounds eerily similar.

I think I'm about to get kicked in the teeth, so I'm bracing myself ... WW says she called off relationship with OM yesterday, but she did it face to face and it took hours ... thinking maybe she changed her mind and lied to me about having actually done the deed.

She's been distant and avoiding me all day, told her mom she's likely to be going to stay there for a while and that she's going to take a few weeks off work (i'm not supposed to know this, but WWmom is on my side) - now, the kids are off with Grandparents this eve and we're going to "talk" ...

I'm expecting to have another layer of hurt laid on ... maybe she hasn't told me the whole truth, maybe there were others, maybe she's changed her mind and is leaving with him, maybe ... who knows - pregnant, STD? ... all I know is that whatever we're going to talk about is bad enough that she's planning to take time off work and go stay with her mom. (she wouldn't take even a day off work for us to discuss things up to this point)

definitely popping a clonazepam so that I can keep my emotions in check ... far as I know, we're still in plan A and I'm supposed to be keeping the LB in check and meeting her EN.

So, I'm resolved to listen intently, respond calmly with the truth - honest reactions without flying off the handle, and reminding her that there is a way back when she chooses to end the affair with NC

any scenarios you can think of that I missed? any advice?

GWN, the most likely reason she wants to stay away from you
is to give herself the opportunity to see the OM. Whether she really did break up with him ir not, that is likely her reason.

My advice, dont pay any attention to what she says tonight (or any time soon), look at what she does.

2 weeks off work is exactly the type of stalling tactics I was talking about. It is unacceptable. She needs to quit now. But you cannot make her, you just need to decide what to do if she doesnt.

What are her parents saying? Are they going to place any conditions on her staying with them?

And as far as what you do, GWN, all I can say is I do not reccomend living with somone who refuses to go NC. that is not what everyone here would say but that is my experience.

GWN, she has lied to you, I am sorry to say. She has not ended the affair. She just had another rendevous yesterday and told you she ended it.

The reason she wants to stay with her parents is because she thinks it will be easier to conceal her affair. It is not over, gwn.

Come back after your talk and let us know what she says, but I assure you this is not done and she is lying.

ok. this will come as no surprise to you ... tonight's drama surrounded her fury of being exposed. She said all of the things that Lala said she would (inside the wayward mind) she said that I had no right, that my actions have hurt so many people, that she was ready to get back with me until I did this, now I've disrespected her and there is no hope ever for us to recover from this ... btw ... then she plan B'd herself.

Had I not been in touch with you all here at MB I'd be undone, thinking that my exposure actions had ruined any chances of my marriage ever being restored. I know this is fury and it will quell eventually.

I told her that what I did I did out of love for her, to rescue her from the delusional fantasy that she was caught in, willing to lose all that she loves and holds dear for a fling with a POSOM.

I remained calm, logical, reminded her that I was here to work on our marriage once she'd established NC with OM for good. No half-assing of schedules - quitting the gym and moving on.

She's left, headed to her mom's for 2 weeks "to sort things out"
also says she won't be going to work for 2 weeks, not sure I believe that.

She won't be back until she's willing to NC and work on recovery, but she Plan B'd herself. I've cut off her cell phone and access to funds - I know she'll be pissed, but I can't enable their continued relationship.

this hurts like hell, and I sure as hell hope you are all correct in how this kind of thing turns out.

I'm just going to type out loud here because it's pretty cathartic. I know that if I hadn't exposed, the A would still be going on and I'd be the doormat that was allowing it, enabling it, and suffering for it. So, I exposed, and WW is pissed, so pissed she left (note the thread title) so now, even thought she's the bad guy, I'm the bad guy for exposing to the light the deeds done in darkness. WW says I've hurt all these people who didn't need to be dragged into this ... I say that were they not dragged in the A would still be going. At some point, I've got to be able to take responsibility and take action, for my marriage, for my kids, and for myself. I don't know how this will turn out ... will she run to the POSOM and have a longer go at it? if she does will I even want her back? Or, will she realize that I acted in love, to rescue her from herself and her own destructive behavior, and that in fact, I'm the one who has loved her most truly through all of this. Hell, she cheated on me, then lied to me, then lied to me again ... then proceeded to knowingly go spend everyday with this chump knowing that it was tearing me apart ... if we are talking about rights, I had every right to bail long ago - but we're talking about Love, and love transcends rights - love goes the extra mile - love will set out on a rescue mission even at great peril. Love will risk losing all for the sake of gaining the object of it's affection.

I love my wife who cheated on me and slept with a co-worker, lied about it, then revealed it, then proceeded to go to work and see him every day. I love her enough to face her wrath upon exposure, and I hope that I have love enough for the both of us to see this marriage restored when the fog lifts and the dust settles. I pray that she doesn't go vindictive on me and pursue the A again just to add hurt to hurt. That will make for a longer recovery than we are already in for.

someone please remind me how this is my fault.

Evrything sounds just great! And I am so very proud of you for standing your ground about quitting her job and not allowing her to bait you into a fight. You have the affair on the ropes, gwn, so this is now headed in the right direction.

Everything she said is exactly what we hear around here day in and day out. She is furious that you interfered with her affair which is GOOD! You can rest assured you hit the mark.

What will happen next is she will probably rendevous with the OM a few more times and he will dump her. She is surrounded by immense pressure that will doom the affair.

As long as her parents don't tolerate her adultery, I predict this won't last long.

You might want to put a GPS on her car and expose her to her parents whenever she rendevous' with the OM. here

This won't be easy, gwn, but it is headed in the right direction.

You turned on the lights in the crack house and angered the crack heads. You ruined the high. It is no fun to get high when everyone is watcing. You are so bad!

]

Please call your MIL and explain to her that your W had another redevous with the OM yesterday. Let her know that the affair is still on and -------------real important--------> ask for her advice. Asking for her advice and support motivates her to BUY IN.

It would also be helpful if you placed a GPS on your W's car and reported any OM meetings to her parents. They need to know if they are hosting an adulterous situation.

Way to go GWN! I was right there in your shoes not too long ago myself. I was a doormat for a while longer than you were though. But setting up boundaries was the best thing I did after exposure because it forced her hand; she was already planning to move out in a few months anyway. She did move out almost immediately after I setup strict boundaries of NC while in our home and now she is facing the reality of her situation--living in a tiny government subsidized apartment with little financial support, alienated family and friends, three separate visitation agreements with prior husbands, and she's dating Larry the Cable Guy (OM) who has two kids and a psycho ex-wife.... My WW's dream is coming true...???

Unfortunately she is still having the affair but she knows that I will not tolerate it on my turf and it has been a blessing for me to not have my nose rubbed in her A every day by her talking to OM from our house every night.

What you did has brought her A into the spotlight and all the fun of the fantasy is over now. It's probably just a matter of time before the A dies a natural death.