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What about your neighbors down the hill? They may decline, but know someone else, since they've lived there longer than you.
Our church did a Parents' Night Out last night, could you suggest this at your church? Our youth (teen) group runs this; it works both as their fundraiser and as their community outreach, bringing in kids who don't usually come Sundays.
Maybe tonight would be hard, but what about next Saturday?
Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
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I get wanting it as a gift, and I recognize that you aren't enthusiastic about finding it today. Sorry about how slow I was to pick up on that, I'm working on it.
How about a backup plan? What would *you* be enthusiastic about today? Maybe asking the kids about making an easy dinner for you two, and then make themselves scarce with a movie in the basement?
Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
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I'm ok with just spending today like any other Saturday. I would've liked it if H had made some effort to do something for Valentine's Day, but oh well. Hopefully we can get to go skiing sometime this winter, since we got season passes, so maybe we'll do that sometime this weekend. Lol you want the kids to cook dinner for us?  They can do microwave popcorn, boil an egg, and do Eggo waffles. Are they supposed to be able to do more at this age? Not sarcasm, I'm wondering if I should be teaching them more about cooking than I have been. Watching a movie in the basement is a common thing for them to do, it isn't something special for us and wouldn't provide any special time for H and me. He'd prolly be online, and as a result, so would I then.
me - 47  H - 39  married 2001 DS 8a  DS 8b :crosseyedcrazy: (Why is DS7b now a blockhead???) (Ack! Now he's not even a blockhead, just a word! That's no fun!)
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I was thinking PB&J. but yeah, Eggos sounds even better What would make you and your H enthusiastic about dragging your couch potato bodies away from the computers  Maybe you all could find other furniture in your house to relax in LOL Pieta used to mention flashing your H, then walking away, giggling. Would your H be receptive to somthing like that? Or would he say, 'get out of the way, hon, I can't see the TV? And can you get me some more chips while you're up?'
Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
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What I'm trying to ask, jayne, is not "can you do things my way?" I'm asking, what is special and meaningful for you two? I hear really smart folks like dungeons and dragons?
Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
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What does he do online? For example, if he's at a investment club site, maybe you two can pore over the business section together and discuss companies you want to invest in?
Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
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I was thinking PB&J. but yeah, Eggos sounds even better This oddball Georgia girl doesn't like PB. Strange but true! What would make you and your H enthusiastic about dragging your couch potato bodies away from the computers Maybe you all could find other furniture in your house to relax in LOL Pieta used to mention flashing your H, then walking away, giggling. Would your H be receptive to somthing like that? Or would he say, 'get out of the way, hon, I can't see the TV? And can you get me some more chips while you're up?' He hardly ever watches tv, he mostly sits at the dining room table at his computer unless he's doing some task or chore. Occasionally he'll agree to watch a rented movie. He rented some movies online and we watched one last night. But he wouldn't have any conversation about it or during it. I asked some questions, but he wouldn't get into a conversation. I don't think the flashing thing would work. I remember Pieta mentioning that! I wonder where she is and how she's doing. But H would just be slightly annoyed and say he was trying to work. What I'm trying to ask, jayne, is not "can you do things my way?" I'm asking, what is special and meaningful for you two? I hear really smart folks like dungeons and dragons? He and I used to MUD a looooong time ago before we were married... we now don't have that kind of spare time. But he also doesn't seem interested in any "geeky" stuff anymore, like scifi books or movies or comic books or anything. He used to like scifi books and movies. Now the only geeky thing he does is keep up with the latest Apple gadget. Something that would make H enthusiastic about getting off the computer would be some task, like fixing something around the house or going out to buy something to fix something around the house. Or possibly, skiing; or taking the kids to a boy scout activity.
me - 47 H - 39 married 2001 DS 8a DS 8b :crosseyedcrazy: (Why is DS7b now a blockhead???) (Ack! Now he's not even a blockhead, just a word! That's no fun!)
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I think most of what he does online is work-related: making schedules, writing reports, so nothing that you could actually have a conversation about (like reading or writing a research paper or doing a calculation). He also pays bills online, and shops online.
me - 47 H - 39 married 2001 DS 8a DS 8b :crosseyedcrazy: (Why is DS7b now a blockhead???) (Ack! Now he's not even a blockhead, just a word! That's no fun!)
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Jayne, you could take care of the kids by yourself for too weeks, but you don't want to find a sitter so you two can go out tonight? I don't know why I have a hard time understanding your lack of enthusiasm about that. You do hundreds of things a day harder than finding a sitter. That's the easy part, isn't it?
I could understand a lack of enthusiasm about something that you don't want to happen, but I thought you do want to go out with him tonight? Jayne, if I may? Ahem. Do you guys remember the movie The Break-Up with Jennifer Aniston? She asks him to bring 12 lemons home, I think, and he brings 3 - something like that. Starts a fight. He doesn't understand what difference it makes if he brings 3 or 12. She had planned to do a centerpiece and actually needed 12. Then it goes on to the dishes. She says 'I want you to do the dishes'; he says 'so I'll do the dishes'; she says 'no, I want you to WANT to do the dishes'; he says (like she's crazy) 'why would I WANT to do dishes?' It's the attitude she wants from him, not the actual end product. It's the knowing that he cares enough about HER happiness that he actually spends time thinking about what would make HER happy. Not just 'living' with her. My H calls me from the mall yesterday to ask about what D18 would like. I tell him her favorite store. He goes there, and calls me a few more times, as he searches for the perfect gift for her. Probably spent an hour there. Gets her a dress and a gift certificate. So I'm kinda excited, thinking 'wow, this year H is really doing something special; I wonder what MY present is going to be? Probably something pretty good!' So we exchange gifts this morning and he gives her his stuff, I give her my stuff, and D18 and I give H his stuff. So we're done, and I'm thinking...ok, nothing for me, from either one of them. Um, ok maybe I got excited over nothing. So we're done and I get up and I see a card and a rose on the dresser. I asked if it was for me and he says yes. So I make a big fuss over the rose, and open the card thinking well, it must be a gift card or something. No. Just the card and the rose... So you guys have seen me get upset before over the type/quality of presents he gives me, and I know it makes me look selfish, but, like Jayne, it isn't the gift (or the night out in her case). Truly it isn't! It is the way we feel, after allowing ourselves to get our hopes up that just once, the H would change gears and say 'you know, I've been taking you for granted. This time, YOU don't have to make the first move; don't have to ask for what you want; don't have to do anything - cos I'm going to spoil you like crazy for once so you'll feel like a princess.'
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Yes.
Going out to dinner would be nice, but not if *I* have to yet again ask and beg everyone at work for a sitter. I've already done it every time I've wanted to go out, and every time I've had a function to go to, and every time H had a function to go to, and every time he's been out of town and wasn't around to pick up the kids the one night a week I needed.
If *I* yet again found a sitter, then in my mind that would be *me* giving *him* something, something huge... cus I am so very tired of asking the only two women I know with teenage daughters. Its now to the point of being embarrassing.
It wouldn't be *him* giving me anything at all.
I H&O told him today that what I woulda liked woulda been if *he* had arranged for a sitter and then we went out and did just about anything... as long as he arranged for the sitter. Well I did say that a nice romantic dinner would be nice. I had sorta said that before, but I hadn't stressed to him how significant it was to me that he find the sitter and do the planning. Put some thought and effort into it.
So H offered to grill steaks.
I asked what's romantic about that. He said that it's a good meal. I said yes but it isn't romantic, he does steak every time he feels like steak.
I think he felt guilty cus he then took us to the animal shelter to look at puppies, and I think he would've even been ok with us bringing one of them home (but we didn't- although they had some really cute rottie/lab/newfie mix, they were very gentle and temperament-tested very good, and the kids were all over them). He also emptied a ski bag that I've been afraid to go into cus a mouse got in there a long time ago (attracted by the granola bars I think) and left mouse dookie in it. So I'm washing my ski clothes now, along with my coat which a puppy peed on.
Still woulda been nice to have a romantic dinner, and one I didn't have to do all the work for.
Last edited by jayne241; 02/14/09 06:14 PM.
me - 47 H - 39 married 2001 DS 8a DS 8b :crosseyedcrazy: (Why is DS7b now a blockhead???) (Ack! Now he's not even a blockhead, just a word! That's no fun!)
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If y'all don't mind me talking about animals a bit... cus it's more fun than talking about not doing anything special for Valentine's Day...
H told the folks at his work that I wanted a dog. Everyone he talked to said "Oh no don't get xxx kind of dog! We have one of those and they bark all the time!" So when he told me, I said "So everyone you spoke to has at least one dog?" And he said, "Yes but they hate theirs!" I said "What kind?" He said "I don't know, they were all different kinds of hounds, and something about a tick." I said "a bluetick hound?" He said "Yes!" I said "I would never get a hound, I know they bark and we don't hunt, and I know what bluetick hounds are and those aren't at all what I want." He said good.
So we were at the shelter today, and folks were talking about how many pets they had... some folks had ferrets in addition to cats and dogs... but one couple was particularly interesting. They have 6 dogs. And a deer. Yep a deer. They found it beside its dead mother, they think a car hit the mom and the baby was aborted cus it was that tiny. They had a picture of it on a sofa with a beagle, it was smaller than the beagle. So they've raised it, it was hard at first to get it to eat but he survived and even had little tiny antlers that it shed in the fall. It goes out with one of their dogs and roams around, and keeps coming back. They're worried cus their neighbors have seen a mountain lion there. And they used to have cats but they said one night they heard something in the basement and a mountain lion had gotten in through the doggie door and killed their cats. :MrEEk:
How's that for a pet story???
I don't intend on putting in any doggie doors.
me - 47 H - 39 married 2001 DS 8a DS 8b :crosseyedcrazy: (Why is DS7b now a blockhead???) (Ack! Now he's not even a blockhead, just a word! That's no fun!)
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I would LOVE to have a deer! We back up to a woods, and our neighborhood is full of woods, so we see deer a lot. They used to come right up to our back fence. I miss them! 
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Yeah, I could do without the mountain lion though!!! Can you imagine having one come into your basement?
They were also talking about someone else who got pinned by a mountain lion or something... and the wife had to come out and shoot it or something... I came in in the middle of the conversation so I wasn't sure if it was the husband or the dog that was pinned but I think it was the husband.
ETA: Actually I think the wife or the son or someone just chased it away... well they said they did have to put it down... I'm not sure if they meant shoot it to rescue the pinned person, or if it had to be shot later or what. They may have been trying to not say too much cus my kids were right there.
Last edited by jayne241; 02/14/09 07:21 PM.
me - 47 H - 39 married 2001 DS 8a DS 8b :crosseyedcrazy: (Why is DS7b now a blockhead???) (Ack! Now he's not even a blockhead, just a word! That's no fun!)
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Hi Jayne, I'm glad you didn't think my programming joke was too lame. I understand about having to be the only person to do the activities planning thing. I guess I'm more pragmatic (or bossy) about it and know that if I don't plan it, it won't happen.
My guy just doesn't think that way either, but I've realized that he does lots of other things that go unappreciated (like picking up and throwing away gooey things in the yard). I don't mind saying "on VDay lets go to Benny's Hot Wok, and then have some champagne at home". He's always almost always thrilled to have someone else take care of the details.
Regarding being embarrassed to ask the same girl's mom if her daughter can babysit all the time, please don't be embarrassed. I used to baby-sit, almost always for the same family. When they kept calling me back I thought it was because I was doing a good job, not that they couldn't get anyone else. This girl's mom probably feels the same way.
This last thing may sound a little pushy, but I hope you won't take it that way. Going out to dinner, whether you arrange it or not is a gift to you. If he wanted to go out, he would have arranged it. You are trying to get him to do something that he didn't feel was necessary and that's why you're ticked, I'm guessing.
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Aw, I loved the joke!
I don't think you're being pushy, not at all. I appreciate the comments and suggestions. Thanks for reassuring me about being embarrassed to ask again about babysitting. The part I don't like is, they are almost always busy it seems, so I hate to ask.
I'm not really ticked. It woulda been nice to have a romantic dinner, but not if *I* had to do all the planning. Oh well. I guess even if I arranged it, he would be giving me the gift of his time by going? Is that what you mean?
me - 47 H - 39 married 2001 DS 8a DS 8b :crosseyedcrazy: (Why is DS7b now a blockhead???) (Ack! Now he's not even a blockhead, just a word! That's no fun!)
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Oh well. I guess even if I arranged it, he would be giving me the gift of his time by going? Is that what you mean? Yeah, that's kinda what I meant. Some guys don't particularly like to eat dinner out, they'd rather lax at home in front of the tv. I think that's why we like it because when they are trapped at a restaurant they have to talk to us!
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when they are trapped at a restaurant they have to talk to us! ....shhhhhh, the guys think we just want a break from cooking. 
me - 47 H - 39 married 2001 DS 8a DS 8b :crosseyedcrazy: (Why is DS7b now a blockhead???) (Ack! Now he's not even a blockhead, just a word! That's no fun!)
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Ok I wanna make a funny... no insult intended toward anyone, but ... I read on another thread about a new service offered by MB. I think it is a tool to aid in POJA negotiations: Now, Mike, I imagine you may have some concerns with the tasers. They are quite powerful and heaven forbid if your WW got a taser with more power than yours. Also, who knows how fair she will be if she had one. These things are powerful and you want a marriage of extraordinary care and how can that happen if her taser is more powerful than yours. Who knows if she might use it just for revenge or for sport or just because? Now that extraordinary care just isn't fair is it and you should have some assurances that the tasering will be fair?
Thus, you may want to consider outsourcing your tasering. This way you can pack a whallup and ensure a marriage of extraordinary care and fairness. There are many companies that can offer this service. They can insure the tasering only occurs only when earned and at an equal power as yours. This insures extraordinary care and fairness and may address your concerns if you performed this tasering yourselves.
Now, these outsourcing companies can be pricey as you will likely not cover your overhead quite as well and they are adding their overhead in addition to profit onto their service. We here on the MB forum recognize that the cost/benefit might not be so easy to justify and we recognize the large amount of demand here on MB'ers for tasering services and thought we would offer to make you our first and best customer.
Since our MBW is quite costly we are unable to pay commissions to our sales force so we rely on there word of mouth to build our MBW business and rely on the unbelievable demand for our tasering service to cover the costs of this sales force.
Fortunately, our costs are quite low for our tasering service because of the large demand and also the use of the volunteer labor from folks on our forum. These are people well versed in when tasering needs to occur and we supply only the finest of equipment calibrated daily at the time tested power rating you select among 5 different taser settings.
For you, our best customer, we offer our service at $.10 per tasering for your first 1000 tasers. Because of our projections of you and your WW's usage we will offer the discounted rate of $.01 for the next 99,000 taserings. Any taserings over 100,000 will be offered to you for free as long as you maintain the status of highest volume MBer taserer. We figure we have made enough profit after this volume level and it would be unfair to charge you anymore.
We simply want to help you insure a marriage of extraordinary care and fairness.
Please consider this offer and contact us with any questions.
MB'ers Outsourcing Taser Service, LLC I can see it now: W: I want Romaine!
H: No I want Iceberg!
W: Romaine! *ZZZZZPPP*
H: Iceberg! *ZZZZZZZZPPPPP*
W: ROMAINE!!! *****ZZZZZZZZZZZPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!*******
H: ICEBERG!!!!!!! ****ZZZZZZZZZZZPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!*******
W: nnnnnnngggggggghhhhhhhhhh..........H: mmmmmbbbbbbbbrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...........
...... another peaceful resolution thanks to POJA.
me - 47 H - 39 married 2001 DS 8a DS 8b :crosseyedcrazy: (Why is DS7b now a blockhead???) (Ack! Now he's not even a blockhead, just a word! That's no fun!)
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Recovered marriage, recovering self, life gets better everyday
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Jayne, it's inspiring to read your posts and learn from your own family's experience. I've learned that I am in danger of wrapping my own attempts to meet his ENs in LBs! I hadn't considered that was possible before reading this thread.
I too am learning to adjust my own behavior to eliminate LBs and HOPEFULLY bring my own H out of Withdrawal and back into Intimacy with me. At first, he wouldn't even talk to me after revealing, quite suddenly and to my utter shock, that he essentially didn't FEEL love for me anymore (I'm still trying to cope with that).
I've started by becoming more attentive to what I'm doing...trying to avoid LBs.
To start the dialogue, any dialogue, we leave a legal notepad on the kitchen counter and trade notes on it. I think this is helping to break the ice, but I despair of my H ever DECIDING to trust me to fulfill his ENs and not hurt him anymore. I'm not even focusing on my own ENs right now because he's not going to be willing/able to meet them anyway. I hope that you're having more luck than I am, we did start counseling so maybe that will help.
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Me: 32
H: 32
2 dogs; no kids
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