That all sounds good. It is really good that you went into that Gym and said your piece. It let the owner know that you are not going to put up with shack-up nonsense and that you could cause problems for them. Your WW will not be worth it to them.

thanks ... Plan A it is.
Off to buy a GPS.
Look forward to the "more" the you mentioned Mel.

any ideas on where to hide a gps in a car with clear view of the sky where ww won't see it ... it's about the size of a cell phone.

gwn, go ask carp. He has experience with this.

GWN,
If you are still looking at the forum, I just bumped a GPS thread for you.

ww came by today to see the kids ... we talked - if you want to call it that. she's still pissed about exposure, talked about separation, threatened to jump right to divorce. Again, it's all about how I've wronged her and hurt people unneccesarily through exposure - somehow I'm acting like a lunatic (that's her word for a desperate husband who's trying to rescue his wife and save his marriage)

in short, nothing has changed ... she's with MIL, the A has not ended, and she's "trying to make up her mind" ... more BS ... dragging out plan A.

I've got to tell you I'm getting tired of this.
didn't manage to get the GPS on the car, but doesn't really matter since she's said straight up that NC is not in play.

here we go again for another week of hell.

death by a thousand cuts.

Have you asked your mother-in-law for her advise? What was her advise? Didn't you say that her parents would not tolerate her having an A while living under their roof?

Is her father still living with her mother?

Did you see the thread I bumped up about GPS devices?

The exposure was very recent. It is not surprising that she is still trying to spin the story and get a rise out of you. Sounds like you did not take the bait. Good job.

GWN, right now things seem hopeless and endless. It may help you to establish a date in your mind when you will end plan A. The date should be based on how long you think you cancontinue plan A. I would err or shorter rather than longer, perhaps only a few more weeks. It is easier to deal with this stuff if there is a fixed timeline in mind. When the date comes, you go to plan B or, if you think their is value in sticking with plan A a little longer you pick a new date.

I am biased based on my own experience but I would go with weeks rather than months.

All your actions regarding the A will be seen as "lunatic" when there is a very real method to the madness and very solid reasons why you've done what you've done.

You won't be able to educate her, though. At all. I will past the 180 for you. Enact it and start following it. This will make you more attractive to her.

It's counter-intuitive, but you have to start acting like you're moving on with your life, to the point where you have her wondering what you're up to and where you're going and even make her wonder if you've decided to start dating (it's an illusion, do no such thing).

I'll post the 180 and send you a link to the success story from MB to give you an example of what I mean.

Her's the posting from another forum:

This 180 list may help.
--------------------------


For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.



2 things to think about if you do this:

1) You have to do the 180 list NOT to be manipulative but because it's the right thing to do for you. You have to heal from this experience. You have to back off for your own sanity now. You have to have a plan and know that you will be a better person with or without them after all is said and done -- that you will live and learn and move on no matter what. So you have to be geniune when you follow these ideas, rather than faking it and being insincere because your only goal is to get them back. That's not what you want to do. Having a certain person as our spouse is not a need, it's a want. When I wrote down a list of all the definite needs in my life, I realized that almost everything beyond food, clothing and shelter is a want. 10 seconds after I looked at the list, I stopped making decisions based on emotion. That's when I realized that my wanting to have her was causing me to beg and plead for her to come back. That was driving her away more so I stopped doing it immediately. In doing my own version of the 180 list I could tell nearly an immediate change in her behavior.

2) Realize that when your spouse sees your new attitude they are very likely to be a little jealous or at least have some curiosity about what's going on in your life to cause this change. However, they very well may react the same way towards you for some time (especially if they read books or go to message boards also). REALIZE that this tactic can also work simultaneously on you if the spouse begins to likewise. Be aware of it and plan to have your own feelings of jealousy and curiosity in advance. However, like with #1 above, if you're doing the 180 list to better yourself and everyone involved, then it will matter less what they are doing.



Here is the success story:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=014880;p=1

nonononononnoooo, this is not DEATH. This is LIFE. Your pain comes from angry spite of a crackhead who just had her crackpipe snatched from her. That is LIFE. The only DEATH here is the AFFAIR. The death of the affair means LIFE to your marriage and your childrens family.

You are watching the dying gasps of an affair. Keep that in mind and thank the Good Lord for this gift. Dont' allow her fury and spite to discourage you. You have the affair on the ropes and that is why she is so hateful to you.

Stay the course, pray alot and most of all, IGNORE the fury of the scorned crackhead. She will come to her senses.

In the meantime, please contact your MIL and make sure she is fully aware that your wife LIED about ending contact and has every intention of assuming her affair. Your wife LIED about ending the affair. She needs to know.

I disagree with the 180° a6t this point. He should be doing a great Plan A right now. He's exposed and he needs to MARRIAGE BUILD which is why he is here I think.

While some of the elements of the 180 are helpful, there are others, like the ones above, that are in direct contradiction to Plan A and will hinder, not help.

Melody,

Ugottatri here...I'm sorry to jump in here, but I'm looking for NC letter examples and was told they are in SAA, but don't know what that is....Can you help?

This is all pretty much par for the course. When I discovered my wife's affair I did pretty good nuclear exposure immediately.

My wife left me and went and lived with an enabling girlfriend. The first day she was gone, her phone didn't stop ringing with people putting pressure on her to end her affair. She even got a call from the executive pastor at our church (a coincidence - he didn't know about the affair) She thought she was being set up pretty good.

She used to come around after work at night to see the children. (then 16, 14 and 12). She was shocked when the kids told her they wanted to stay living with me rather than her and her boyfriend.

She had been planning a whole new life with this man - but I discovered the affair before they were ready to execute their plans. The affair ended that week and a week after that she returned home.

She NEVER resented exposure or anything I did to save our marriage.


Your MIL is supporting your marriage though so this is very good! Her affair is doomed. My wife came back for a number of reasons (none of which was because4 she had any love for me - she didn't) The main one was that the children were acting "weird" with her when she visited. She also felt very convicted by God when she was driving home from work one night and a few other things happened as well. God came through and saved the day.


I very much understand your desperation right now. But be assured, the affair will end and if she goes NC with OM your situation will improve dramatically.

GWN,

Just wanted to chime-in and offer some support. Bigkahuna is right - this is text book. Try to ignore the fog speak. WW's can be very manipulative and are extremely self-serving.

I too have walked this path and although my FWW said that I ruined any chance of reconciling, her anger subsided in about two weeks. Give it a little time.

Take pride in the fact that you are working hard to save your M. You are your kids' hero.

- Sh0cked

thanks, just got off the phone with WW ... she left 4 hours ago to head to MIL's just told me that she'd like to come back here to sleep since she's headed to work tomorrow at 5 am (obviously NC is not established)... difference between a 5 minute drive and 45 minutes to meet a 5 am client.

She's been with Om for the last 4 hours. I don't know what to say or expect. Told her she's welcome to come and sleep here but this is unexpected, I don't know what's going on.

lord have mercy, christ have mercy.
yoyo rollercoaster emotions. I was just about settled into a fifth of Jack Daniels to fend off the nightime loneliness demons.

anyone got a clue wtf?

Why didn't she go to her mothers? Because she knows her mother won't let her stay there if she is in an affair?

She's sleeping on the couch right?

gwn, a couple of things come to mind. I would be sure and let her know how hurtful it is to you and your kids that she is openly and brazenly committing her adultery. Have this discussion right smack in front of your kids.

Ask her to sleep on the couch until she gets STD testing and to please respect you and the boys and not come here after her next adulterous tryst. It is a grievous affront to you and the boys. Perhaps she should go stay with her parents or in a hotel the next time.

See, I suspect she wants to come there because she KNOWS her parents won't tolerate her open and flagrant adultery. She has nowhere else to go. So if you ask her to go elsewhere next time, AND confront her about her adultery, she will think twice. She won't want to have to answer to you when she gets home.

so, why am i letting her back home after she just spent the evening with POSOM, am I stupid, has the fog worn off on me?

I wasn't prepared for this one.