melody gave you got advice to save the evening.

You are meeting her emotional needs by being there for her. Good thing!

morning update ... WW arrived home about midnight, I was asleep on the couch (backwards I know, but that's where I happened to fall asleep) she told me she'd been at her boss's birthday party - i had known about it weeks ago so no real surprise, and that the OM was there (BUT NOTHING HAPPENED) - I didn't ask so I think the shakespeare line "me think she doth protest too much" applies here.

anyway, she went upstairs to sleep, then about 4am woke me up and asked me to come and cuddle with her - intimate details I know - so I did, and it was nothing more than that - I asked if there was something she wanted to talk about, what she had in mind ... no conversation there, just needed a warm body near I guess, or felt sorry for me sleeping on the couch.

we had coffee together this morning, I assured her of my love, and my resolve to see this through, that my love for her is big enough and strong enough to survive all the hurt and pain of betrayal and lies. I can forgive her, I believe in her and in us. I believe that she can be "in love" with me again, and that our marriage can weather this storm.

She headed off to work with tears in her eyes, nervous to face the rumor mill (mass workplace exposure happened on Friday and she hasn't been back since). She needed several embraces and several reassurances of my love and care for her before she headed out the door.

The kids have the day off today so we're planning something fun ... I asked her to call me if she wanted to join us.

She's still planning on taking the week off work and staying at her moms to sort things out. I just spoke to her mom, and she's getting the full treatment from her mother ... the full "come to Jesus, get your head on straight and get off the drug of this affair" every minute, meanwhile her mom is a wreck and spends the whole day on her knees praying when she isn't lecturing WW

Heard from OMxGF ... she's put his stuff out the house, changed the locks and is gone for a week to find some stable footing. She was floored by the revelation - part of why I'm such a bad guy for exposing ... funny thing is, she thanked me for respecting her enough to tell her, even though I hardly know her.

Holding steady at Plan A ... wish I could get her to take the EN questionnaire ... any suggestions on how to introduce it?
She's the type that thinks I should know her needs intuitively after 12 years of marriage.

No, I wouldn't even bother until the affair is over. She is still planning on conducting her affair, gwn.

That has to be addressed. She tricked you and her mother into being with the OM yesterday. She lied about ending it.

I am concerned that you are coming across as REWARDING HER for her abuse, rather than expressing your pain and alarm. When she is catting around with her adultery partner, she needs to hear your pain, not soothing sounds of unwarranted forgiveness. Forgiveness needs to be earned, not doled out while she commits the crime.


Silly.. You are a man, not a psychic.

Please go back and read my post about confronting her at every turn and putting the pressure on from her mothers house. [without lovebusters] She is playing a game where she thinks she can go from house to house and cover up her trysts.

And....get back in your bed! Don't sleep on the couch.

I say chill for now until she appears more receptive and then simply say, "I have a questionaire that would help me out. It will help me understand you better so I can be a better husband. Would you mind filling it out?"

That's an idea, anyways.

You might have an idea of her needs after 12 years, but who really knows.

She's a fitness instructor, so physical fitness must be high on her list. What's your level of fitness?

You mean she didn't scream "how dare you hurt me by telling me???" :MrEEk: I always chuckle when folks tell me they don't want to expose to the other BS because it would "hurt them." Who came up with that "logic?" The devil?

thanks mel, I called MIL first thing this morning to let her know where WW was last night and who she was with. There are no safe havens - though the kids were asleep, so I couldn't involve them, I calmly told her how hurt I was that she had chosen to see him again last night, then to have the audacity to come back home to my house. I'm not ready to plan B her yet and kick her out ... but you all know that there is only so much love in the club and that you bleed out a bit quicker with each successive cut.

[/quote]
You might have an idea of her needs after 12 years, but who really knows.

She's a fitness instructor, so physical fitness must be high on her list. What's your level of fitness? [/quote]

I'm about 380 right now and eat a box of twinkies for breakfast ...

no, I'm in good shape, not ripped or anything,6ft, 180, size 33 - better than average ... she'd probably like it if we worked out together and did more active things ... working out together will take some resentment therapy as that is where most of the EA developed.

You might have an idea of her needs after 12 years, but who really knows.

She's a fitness instructor, so physical fitness must be high on her list. What's your level of fitness? [/quote]

I'm about 380 right now and eat a box of twinkies for breakfast ...

no, I'm in good shape, not ripped or anything,6ft, 180, size 33 - better than average ... she'd probably like it if we worked out together and did more active things ... working out together will take some resentment therapy as that is where most of the EA developed. [/quote]

I am with you there, gwn, you might be triggered off the charts in that pursuit. Even so, it is doubtful that is an EN. Rather, the EN would be RECREATIONAL COMPANIONSHIP or CONVERSATION, both of which can be met in ways that don't trigger you.

gwn, what are your kids saying to her about her affair? Did they mention it yesterday? Does she know they know and what was her reaction?

mel, I reread what you said about rewarding her ... I'm certainly not trying to do that ... In hindsight, I probably should have told her no, that she couldn't come back and sleep at my house last night ... I knew she was with OM in some context, she'd said she was going to stay at her moms. I should have held her to her word, instead I guess I came off as a doormat again. Here for her when she needs me. A little too much carrot and not enough stick perhaps last night.

I really do miss her though - I guess I'm as much of an addict as she is ... but I'm addicted to my wife.

gwn, would the OM's GF give you the OM's parents phone #? They need to know about the affair too.

gwn, this is a very fine line, so please don't beat yourself up here. I think since she was playing a game of cat and mouse to fool her mother and get in a tryst with the OM, you might have said, "don't come home tonight - we'll talk tomorrow." On the other hand, you just don't know. i will tell you that it is very dangerous to kick a spouse out at this juncture, because it can cause more harm than good.

So, you probably did the right thing by allowing her home. The only thing I am suggesting is that you don't REWARD her when she does this, but tell her how very hurtful her actions are to you and the children. Ask her "were you just with your adultery partner?" [use terms like adultery and affair every time] She needs PRESSURE when she does this. It is a very fine balance, gwn, and you just have to play it by ear.

I think you are doing GREAT, so please don't think I am suggesting otherwise.

I hear ya, friend! {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{gwn}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I think you did just great. She's going to go to work today and face the music, and in the back of her mind she'll be remembering how you're not raging at her or kicking her out of the house. It is critical that you avoid LBs and meet ENs while she's teetering like this. You want to make the marriage a very attractive option. You're doing a great job with that.

Like Mel said, it's a balancing act. You want to meet ENs and avoid LBs but you don't want to be a doormat. You want to be calmly but brutally honest with her about how her actions are affecting you and the kids.

Don't worry too much right now about every little action and every tiny nuance. As long as you stay the course you'll win the war, regardless of how each tiny skirmish goes.

Do continue posting here about your interactions and how things develop, because it gives experienced people more insight into whether the pendulum is swinging too far one way or the other (doormat vs. tyrant) and the more info you provide the better advice you'll receive.

And just quit the talk about "I don't know how long I can take this" - it sucks, it hurts, it's horrible. We know. But this is a marathon, not a sprint. You have to be in it for the long haul. Things are going to be up and down for quite a while, and you're going to need to work hard for many months. If you keep your eye on the long term goal rather than letting each interaction get you up or down (easily said, hard to do, I know) then you'll find the roller coaster is not quite so out of control. It will still be there, but your focus on the end goal will help you weather the ups and downs.

gwn, I just thought of another way to inflict a huge blow on the affair while keeping yourself out of the line of fire. Would your MIL be willing to go see the OM? Would she be willing to call up his parents and implore them to use their persuasion to get their son to leave her daughter alone? This can be a powerful exposure and while there are no guarantees, we have had affairs killed this way.

MRsW's mother called the OM, for example, and told him he was facing a life of hell if he didn't dump her DD NOW. He dumped her pronto. In your case, your MIL could tell the OM that he will NEVER be allowed to darken her doorstep and he would be eternally hated by your children for breaking up his family.

It would also ruin the future prospects of the affair if your W can't show her face at the inlaws. If they know this is an affair, it would cause your W great embarrassment.

And see, if your MIL did this, all her wrath would be directed at the MIL instead of you.

Good morning gwn.

You are doing great. Turtle is right. You need to focus on the long term. Sometimes it helped me just to take a drive and bawl my eyes out or scream. Having a release like that can be cleansing and I didn't feel like I was going to explode every five minutes and could refocus myself.

As Mel suggested, I'd really try to track down OM parents. Assuming they are normal folks with a sense of human decency, they will not want to welcome a skank into the family. OM having to see the disgust of his parents can be a powerful blow to the A. If OMGF won't give you their contact info will she expose to the parents. I know OMGF is devastated but what is her mindset right now? Does she just want to wash her hands of him and move on or is she willing to nuke him hard?

spoke with OMGF ... she wants no more to do with this ... is moving on and will not provide contacts for OM family.

MIL would contact OM if she knew how, and she'd rip him a new one, he'd know with complete certainty that he'd never be a welcome member of their family.

WW is really breaking emotionally, she can't keep it together ... staying with MIL, not going to work for the rest of the week. Can't confirm NC with OM ... I have no idea about that but MIL is insistent.

No doubt the last impression of home for her was warm, forgiving and positive.

I'll be looking after myself, and my boys, and likely looking for a new job this week. Wish me luck.

GWN, one way you might find the OM's parents is to do a search on http://www.intelius.com/. If you know what town he is from, you could try directory assistance.

Will your MIL have a chat with him?

I also would coordinate with your MIL so that your wife does pull another stunt like yesterday. Maybe agree to call the other if your WW says she is coming to see you or vice versa. That way she can't get away with giving you both the slip again.

Explain this piece to me... Are you moving from your pastoral position. Was this planned???