Topic says it all, I found out when the OP's ex called me at work. I confronted her about it and she is still going through with her vacation plans to meet him this weekend. The exposure did not seem to accomplish anything.

I am confused and lost and I don't know what to do. She won't work with me, only says it's "too late." Is there anything I can do to convince her not to make this mistake? I don't want to give up.

I am so scared.

Thanks.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. How long have you been married? Any kids?

Do your wife and the OM work together?

Does the OM have any kids? How long have they been married?

To whom did you expose the affair? Can you give us some details?

Reasoning with a WW is a bit like reasoning with a concrete wall - except you'd probably have better results with the concrete wall.

Exposure may likely be a great tool here? Do they work together? Expose the A at her workplace. Expose it to her family. Expose it to her friends. Expose it anywhere where you think it will cause conflict in the A. One poster here exposed his WW's A on her Friendster page, for example.

Secondly, see what you can do to drop a spanner into the vacation plans. Cancel the credit cards at the last moment, for example. (You should be protecting your finances anyway if you're dealing with an active WS). Passports can get misplaced. Make it clear in no uncertain terms that you still care for her, but if she proceeds to show you the utmost disrespect by going on that "vacation", she will be returning to changed locks, and you'll be putting her belongings on the doorstep right after she leaves, so she'd better arrange for transportation and storage for them.

Sorry there wasn't more detail. I am at such a loss.

We have been married for almost 4 years. It probably sounds like nothing around here, but it was everything to me. No kids... we wanted to but were unable, had one pregnancy that did not make it.

OM is an old bf from her past... I guess not so in the past anymore. He lives out of state, they hooked up on the web somehow (MySpace, Facebook, e-mail, not sure). I know almost nothing about him... his ex-gf called me yesterday to tell me what was going on, but she was afraid of OM finding out who spilled the beans. I snooped it a bit, they have a kid (which I assume is the reason for her hesitation). I don't think I'll get any more involvement from her. But they are already split.

After the call, I confronted my WW. We happen to work in the same building. I have been suspicious of her activity, but I stupidly kept believing in our relationship. The caller had details about what was happening this weekend that meshed with the lie my WW told (going out of town with friends). She denied at first, but the call was too much for me to ignore. So I pushed and got the truth.

I considered work exposure, but these are people I deal with on a daily basis too. Her mother already knows, including the "vacation" plans. Does not approve, apparently, but that doesn't seem to have helped. I don't know who else to go to, but I'm probably too involved. A mutual friend? On her online hangouts? I'm open to ideas. I certainly have the tools for exposure, but I'm not so sure about the will to do so.

Protecting the finances, I hadn't strongly thought about that. Thank you for reinforcing the point, it makes sense, even if I don't want it to. I will take the necessary precautions and see what I can do about this weekend. Unfortunately we don't own our home, so lock changing is out of the question. I wish it weren't. :| But I have told her she needn't bother coming back. Don't think that helped either.

I have two thoughts that prey on me. The first is, I don't believe there's any part of our relationship that cannot be bettered with time and work. It so happens their relationship is purely electronic thus far (apart from before we met, that is). If there is anything I can do to stop this meeting, I want to do it.

My second is, she is going to run. From our home, our work, our lives. To her parents, probably, but also possibly to the OM. Both are out of state. She had a habit of this in the past. I thought she had changed. I guess not. She may not have concrete plans, but I believe she has mapped this out in her mind. If it were me, why would I care what people thought, if I never had to talk to them again?

Sorry for the enormous post. She's my best friend... I lost my outlet for my feelings. I haven't told my family... I feel like such a failure.

Thanks for your time and replies.

If she is determined to go, you probably can't stop her.

Stay in touch with the OM's girlfriend if you can. Refer her to marriagebuilders. Don't betray her confidence.

Then start exposing the affair to everyone. Often that will stop it. If you can contact the OM, let him no that you will fight for your marriage.

I don't know, if I were you, I'd be booking a seat on the same plane to the same place, and planning to disrupt their little tryst - BEFORE it becomes physical. Someone on here did that awhile back.

You're better off going full blast right now - before it's physical - than trying to scrape up the pieces later.

Call everyone you and your wife know - including ALL her parents, siblings, cousins...anyone from whom she desires to be respected. Then call OM and tell him you know about this weekend, and you advise him to think about it before he goes, because you will not make his life fun, to say the least. A LOT of POSOM will jump at the first sign of confrontation, especially if they haven't met up yet.

Then get all the info you can on him - use a PI if you have to - and get the numbers for HIS parents, siblings, cousins. Call them.

Do ALL of this on one day so they don't have time to call everyone and put their spin on it - that you're crazy and he's saving her from you and all that jazz.

I promise you, the BS's who make a decisive, strong, first strike like this have twice as much chance of ending the affair and of keeping their marriage. If you step back and try to be nice out of fear that she'll leave you...then she's already gone. Read the threads and you'll see this is true.

This is the one time in your life NOT to be a nice guy.

In brief - short M, no kids, no real joint property, and a WW with a tendency to run away.



Find out and expose via that method. Does your WW has a MySpace or Facebook profile?



Your OM works at the same place? If so, you need to expose NOW. If you think it's going to be bad now, just imagine how humiliating it's going to be when it's open that you DID know about the tryst but chose to keep mum about it.



You need to do it BEFORE this weekend. Isn't your WW planning to travel this weekend?

Installed a keylogger today, I think you're right about the FB / MSpace. If she gets on one or the other I will act in that way.

My wife and I work together-ish. I am wary of creating an uncomfortable situation at my own workplace, especially as I don't currently have the luxury of attempting to find employment elsewhere.

When I say about this weekend, I of course mean before then. It is hard for me to focus on anything but Friday.

I have been browsing around here some more and I have decided to expose her to all her friends and family that I can. Perhaps they can help me after all.

We will see. Thanks again.

Is your wife flying or driving to meet up with OM?

You don't expose to work unless both your wife and the OM work there; no point.

You have left off exposing to him and his family/friends. You ARE planning to do that, right? It won't do much good if you don't confront his side of the equation. In fact, it will do more good if he bolts because of what you do on his side.

If WW is flying, cancel her flight at the last minute if you know the airline. If there is a hotel booked, cancel that too if you know where. Make this weekend of "fun" a nightmare for them.

Have you tried to contact the OM's parents?

Thanks for the heads up with the work situation.

She is driving. I don't know where, now that I think about it... any part of her story could have been a lie. There is nothing on our accounts that indicates one way or the other. You can be certain that will remain the case, once I'm done at the bank.

I can contact the OM (and I am going to, within the schedule of contacting everyone else I can), but other than that I know squat about him. I am encouraging the OM's ex-GF to do the same as I on her end, but... She is a stranger to me, I can't get a read on how she will be. They are already split, she may not feel the same need as I do. I don't know.

Everyone is so much help! Kind of sad, in a way, but I do appreciate it.

If your wife is driving, you have a few options. You can buy a pre-paid T-mobile phone from Target or something, activate the GPS feature, and hide it in her car. Then just follow her by GPS to her destination and break up the meeting. At the very least, you can get photos of them meeting in case you should need them. Or you could let out all the air in her tires so she can't go anywhere.

The point is to go to any and all lengths to prevent her from having sex with OM. Your marriage irrevocably changes after that.

I'd try the OMXGF again. Sadly, BSs learn they can trust a perfect stranger over their S. Ask her for his address, phone #, place of employment, and other info you think is useful. Worse she can do is say no. You may want to point out to her that while POSOM is her child's father that she probably won't want a skanky WW around her child. I dunno but most moms would get fired up about that even if they don't recover with a H/BF. You can tell her you will not reveal her as a source. It's not like a lot of this stuff isn't public info.

You can hide WW's car keys the night before, have her followed, or pack all her stuff up (ALL OF IT) and tell her good luck. Then when she leaves cancel all her credit cards so she can't even buy gas.

But keep it legal. LOL You have to come up with plan A and 15 backup plans to put the kabash on the weekend plans. Now is the time for action.

Travis,

You really don't have a lot of time to mull over various options. I know that you fear doing anything to make her angry right now for fear that she will run off anyway. But you have to understand that your marriage can survive her being angry. It cannot survive an ongoing and escalating affair. Do anything legal that you can to stop the affair in it's tracks.

If you take action you stand a chance of saving your marriage. If you do nothing, you will someday regret that choice.

Take action to stop her from going short of anything that gets the cops involved.

Exposure is your nest weapon. Use it and use it quickly.

Time to cowboy up!

Mark

Personally, as much as it would hurt and you might not like the answer. I would tell her, if she leaves this weekend, don't bother coming back. If she does leave, pack up her stuff and ship it to her mothers. Call a lawyer and inquire about abandonment and changing the locks. Sorry, just my opinion. I mean this woman has a set on her. The disrespect is unbelieveable!! Sorry, your post got me worked up.

By the way, YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE!!!! You didn't cause this, she did. She is 100% responsible for her own actions. First and foremost, take care of yourself. We're pulling for ya!

Thanks everyone for the kind words.

The keylogger did the trick. I should have guessed the pw anyway, and it was the same for everything. And what I found made me sick. I'm running low on hope at the moment... she lies to me even still, she is moving in with him soon, halfway across the country. I am in serious doubt that anything I can do will change that. She is so excited about seeing him...

I began the exposure today. Anybody who knows her on myspace or facebook knows what's going on. Which unfortunately includes some of my friends and family... oh, well, looks like I don't have a say in the matter anyway. I've also contacted all of her family I can, and told the OM to get lost.

I will make sure she has no funds for her little vacation, but I'm not sure how far I should go to stop her. Disable the vehicle? I don't know.

I told her she wasn't welcome to come back if she insists on going through with this. She just said OK. Her e-mails / posts tell me why it's so easy... this has been going on for a while, just not in person.

Have to go puke now. Thanks again, everyone. Hoping for further suport and advice.