Topic says it all, I found out when the OP's ex called me at work. I confronted her about it and she is still going through with her vacation plans to meet him this weekend. The exposure did not seem to accomplish anything.

I am confused and lost and I don't know what to do. She won't work with me, only says it's "too late." Is there anything I can do to convince her not to make this mistake? I don't want to give up.

I am so scared.

Thanks.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. How long have you been married? Any kids?

Do your wife and the OM work together?

Does the OM have any kids? How long have they been married?

To whom did you expose the affair? Can you give us some details?

Reasoning with a WW is a bit like reasoning with a concrete wall - except you'd probably have better results with the concrete wall.

Exposure may likely be a great tool here? Do they work together? Expose the A at her workplace. Expose it to her family. Expose it to her friends. Expose it anywhere where you think it will cause conflict in the A. One poster here exposed his WW's A on her Friendster page, for example.

Secondly, see what you can do to drop a spanner into the vacation plans. Cancel the credit cards at the last moment, for example. (You should be protecting your finances anyway if you're dealing with an active WS). Passports can get misplaced. Make it clear in no uncertain terms that you still care for her, but if she proceeds to show you the utmost disrespect by going on that "vacation", she will be returning to changed locks, and you'll be putting her belongings on the doorstep right after she leaves, so she'd better arrange for transportation and storage for them.

Sorry there wasn't more detail. I am at such a loss.

We have been married for almost 4 years. It probably sounds like nothing around here, but it was everything to me. No kids... we wanted to but were unable, had one pregnancy that did not make it.

OM is an old bf from her past... I guess not so in the past anymore. He lives out of state, they hooked up on the web somehow (MySpace, Facebook, e-mail, not sure). I know almost nothing about him... his ex-gf called me yesterday to tell me what was going on, but she was afraid of OM finding out who spilled the beans. I snooped it a bit, they have a kid (which I assume is the reason for her hesitation). I don't think I'll get any more involvement from her. But they are already split.

After the call, I confronted my WW. We happen to work in the same building. I have been suspicious of her activity, but I stupidly kept believing in our relationship. The caller had details about what was happening this weekend that meshed with the lie my WW told (going out of town with friends). She denied at first, but the call was too much for me to ignore. So I pushed and got the truth.

I considered work exposure, but these are people I deal with on a daily basis too. Her mother already knows, including the "vacation" plans. Does not approve, apparently, but that doesn't seem to have helped. I don't know who else to go to, but I'm probably too involved. A mutual friend? On her online hangouts? I'm open to ideas. I certainly have the tools for exposure, but I'm not so sure about the will to do so.

Protecting the finances, I hadn't strongly thought about that. Thank you for reinforcing the point, it makes sense, even if I don't want it to. I will take the necessary precautions and see what I can do about this weekend. Unfortunately we don't own our home, so lock changing is out of the question. I wish it weren't. :| But I have told her she needn't bother coming back. Don't think that helped either.

I have two thoughts that prey on me. The first is, I don't believe there's any part of our relationship that cannot be bettered with time and work. It so happens their relationship is purely electronic thus far (apart from before we met, that is). If there is anything I can do to stop this meeting, I want to do it.

My second is, she is going to run. From our home, our work, our lives. To her parents, probably, but also possibly to the OM. Both are out of state. She had a habit of this in the past. I thought she had changed. I guess not. She may not have concrete plans, but I believe she has mapped this out in her mind. If it were me, why would I care what people thought, if I never had to talk to them again?

Sorry for the enormous post. She's my best friend... I lost my outlet for my feelings. I haven't told my family... I feel like such a failure.

Thanks for your time and replies.

If she is determined to go, you probably can't stop her.

Stay in touch with the OM's girlfriend if you can. Refer her to marriagebuilders. Don't betray her confidence.

Then start exposing the affair to everyone. Often that will stop it. If you can contact the OM, let him no that you will fight for your marriage.

I don't know, if I were you, I'd be booking a seat on the same plane to the same place, and planning to disrupt their little tryst - BEFORE it becomes physical. Someone on here did that awhile back.

You're better off going full blast right now - before it's physical - than trying to scrape up the pieces later.

Call everyone you and your wife know - including ALL her parents, siblings, cousins...anyone from whom she desires to be respected. Then call OM and tell him you know about this weekend, and you advise him to think about it before he goes, because you will not make his life fun, to say the least. A LOT of POSOM will jump at the first sign of confrontation, especially if they haven't met up yet.

Then get all the info you can on him - use a PI if you have to - and get the numbers for HIS parents, siblings, cousins. Call them.

Do ALL of this on one day so they don't have time to call everyone and put their spin on it - that you're crazy and he's saving her from you and all that jazz.

I promise you, the BS's who make a decisive, strong, first strike like this have twice as much chance of ending the affair and of keeping their marriage. If you step back and try to be nice out of fear that she'll leave you...then she's already gone. Read the threads and you'll see this is true.

This is the one time in your life NOT to be a nice guy.

In brief - short M, no kids, no real joint property, and a WW with a tendency to run away.



Find out and expose via that method. Does your WW has a MySpace or Facebook profile?



Your OM works at the same place? If so, you need to expose NOW. If you think it's going to be bad now, just imagine how humiliating it's going to be when it's open that you DID know about the tryst but chose to keep mum about it.



You need to do it BEFORE this weekend. Isn't your WW planning to travel this weekend?

Installed a keylogger today, I think you're right about the FB / MSpace. If she gets on one or the other I will act in that way.

My wife and I work together-ish. I am wary of creating an uncomfortable situation at my own workplace, especially as I don't currently have the luxury of attempting to find employment elsewhere.

When I say about this weekend, I of course mean before then. It is hard for me to focus on anything but Friday.

I have been browsing around here some more and I have decided to expose her to all her friends and family that I can. Perhaps they can help me after all.

We will see. Thanks again.

Is your wife flying or driving to meet up with OM?

You don't expose to work unless both your wife and the OM work there; no point.

You have left off exposing to him and his family/friends. You ARE planning to do that, right? It won't do much good if you don't confront his side of the equation. In fact, it will do more good if he bolts because of what you do on his side.

If WW is flying, cancel her flight at the last minute if you know the airline. If there is a hotel booked, cancel that too if you know where. Make this weekend of "fun" a nightmare for them.

Have you tried to contact the OM's parents?

Thanks for the heads up with the work situation.

She is driving. I don't know where, now that I think about it... any part of her story could have been a lie. There is nothing on our accounts that indicates one way or the other. You can be certain that will remain the case, once I'm done at the bank.

I can contact the OM (and I am going to, within the schedule of contacting everyone else I can), but other than that I know squat about him. I am encouraging the OM's ex-GF to do the same as I on her end, but... She is a stranger to me, I can't get a read on how she will be. They are already split, she may not feel the same need as I do. I don't know.

Everyone is so much help! Kind of sad, in a way, but I do appreciate it.

If your wife is driving, you have a few options. You can buy a pre-paid T-mobile phone from Target or something, activate the GPS feature, and hide it in her car. Then just follow her by GPS to her destination and break up the meeting. At the very least, you can get photos of them meeting in case you should need them. Or you could let out all the air in her tires so she can't go anywhere.

The point is to go to any and all lengths to prevent her from having sex with OM. Your marriage irrevocably changes after that.

I'd try the OMXGF again. Sadly, BSs learn they can trust a perfect stranger over their S. Ask her for his address, phone #, place of employment, and other info you think is useful. Worse she can do is say no. You may want to point out to her that while POSOM is her child's father that she probably won't want a skanky WW around her child. I dunno but most moms would get fired up about that even if they don't recover with a H/BF. You can tell her you will not reveal her as a source. It's not like a lot of this stuff isn't public info.

You can hide WW's car keys the night before, have her followed, or pack all her stuff up (ALL OF IT) and tell her good luck. Then when she leaves cancel all her credit cards so she can't even buy gas.

But keep it legal. LOL You have to come up with plan A and 15 backup plans to put the kabash on the weekend plans. Now is the time for action.

Travis,

You really don't have a lot of time to mull over various options. I know that you fear doing anything to make her angry right now for fear that she will run off anyway. But you have to understand that your marriage can survive her being angry. It cannot survive an ongoing and escalating affair. Do anything legal that you can to stop the affair in it's tracks.

If you take action you stand a chance of saving your marriage. If you do nothing, you will someday regret that choice.

Take action to stop her from going short of anything that gets the cops involved.

Exposure is your nest weapon. Use it and use it quickly.

Time to cowboy up!

Mark

Personally, as much as it would hurt and you might not like the answer. I would tell her, if she leaves this weekend, don't bother coming back. If she does leave, pack up her stuff and ship it to her mothers. Call a lawyer and inquire about abandonment and changing the locks. Sorry, just my opinion. I mean this woman has a set on her. The disrespect is unbelieveable!! Sorry, your post got me worked up.

By the way, YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE!!!! You didn't cause this, she did. She is 100% responsible for her own actions. First and foremost, take care of yourself. We're pulling for ya!

Thanks everyone for the kind words.

The keylogger did the trick. I should have guessed the pw anyway, and it was the same for everything. And what I found made me sick. I'm running low on hope at the moment... she lies to me even still, she is moving in with him soon, halfway across the country. I am in serious doubt that anything I can do will change that. She is so excited about seeing him...

I began the exposure today. Anybody who knows her on myspace or facebook knows what's going on. Which unfortunately includes some of my friends and family... oh, well, looks like I don't have a say in the matter anyway. I've also contacted all of her family I can, and told the OM to get lost.

I will make sure she has no funds for her little vacation, but I'm not sure how far I should go to stop her. Disable the vehicle? I don't know.

I told her she wasn't welcome to come back if she insists on going through with this. She just said OK. Her e-mails / posts tell me why it's so easy... this has been going on for a while, just not in person.

Have to go puke now. Thanks again, everyone. Hoping for further suport and advice.

You've just discovered how evil and devious WWs can really be. Welcome to the club.

In the face of what you've discovered about your WW, are there any particular reasons why you wish to save your M? I ask, because you will have to continuously remind yourself of those reasons going forward, as the road ahead is going to be a long, hard and bumpy ride...

Make sure that you keep copies of all correspondence.

Is the vehicle owned by both of you?

She plans to move in with him? Do you know what she's planning to do for work? As for disabling the car...you can always just disconnect the battery. Since you don't have children with WW, you really need to think about whether or not she is capable of being a good wife and if she's worth the risk.

Don't let her know you've accessed her emails. Print hard copies and keep them in a safe place should you need them for evidence later. If she does leave and you don't want to try and stop her, then I'd pack up all her things; everything not just a suitcase or a box. Tell her if she doesn't come pick it up before she leaves, you'll be calling Goodwill to take it.

Did you try OM's ex again? Any luck? What did OM say to you? You have a lot of options Travis, it just depends on what you can live with and what your boundaries are.

Wow, that's a good one! I like it! Can you imagine how much it would affect someone to know that everything they've saved up their whole life will disappear? No way she'll have time to move it first. What a choice!

Keep on the OM. If you have the funds, hire a PI to gather any basic info on him you don't already have. No matter how this ends, he should be made to suffer as much as possible within the bounds of the law.

As far as your wife's vacation, hell yes I'd disable her car. Right in front of her.

Or maybe, hop in the passenger seat and say, "Let's go!"

With her knowing you know about the affair, if she goes out and sees OM you'll always resent her. ALWAYS.

You want to stay married? Stop the trip. If you want to divorce, let her go.

If you are still out there Travis, you might get more help with possible strategies if you request the mods to move your thread to the GQII section. Friday will be here soon.

Today has been interesting, to say the least. Wow.

I outed her A on both her MySpace and Facebook pages. Hoping the OM has mutual friends, I went ahead and named him too. She flipped out. She doesn't think it's me, which is a little bemusing, and I didn't educate her any. Knowing I have access when I want it is comforting. In her PANIC (seriously!) she deleted both accounts. DELETED! With that she began to waiver about the trip, but was not sold yet. Almost flat out ran, too, but I talked her down.

I have contacted all of her friends and family I could. I've been ignored, but at least the word is out. I'm hoping someone else will get to her.

I told the OM to take a hike, albeit a little more, shall we say, forcibly. He did not respond, but my WW heard what I did... and was not angry, which surprised me.

I've talked about the car for her trip... unfortunately its hers, just hers. That also means, however, I don't worry about the payments. Turns out she hasn't been either... it was repossessed today. TRIP OVER! On top of this, I got to take care of her today, something she has been too independent to let me do in a while. I feel good. I mean I know I didn't go the distance all my own, but I'm not too proud to accept a little outside assistance, however it comes.

Furthermore, I have been liberated. The advice here has opened my eyes. I am doing what I WANT TO DO. Not worrying about how it makes me look to my W or anybody else... and it turns out that makes me a better, happier person.

Obviously, this is still not over. I will continue to fight on, somebody asked why... when it has been good - and it hasn't been recently, I admit - it has been everything I could hope for. I'll forgo the wall of text that it would take to explain (you know, in addition to the wall of text that I've already typed). Suffice to say I still believe she can make me happy, even with all that's transpired. The most important thing to me is this: I am a very introverted guy - it's easy to type whatever on a message board, in person is another story. This has never been the case with my wife. From day one, before I really knew her, we were instantly connected, in a unique way I had never felt before. With a level of comfort I didn't think could be reached.

Looking back on that paragraph, it sounds a little hokey. But it's something I believe in, and it's something worth fighting for. So I will.

I'm too new here to know where I should be, if you advise GQII is the place to be then I believe you. What do I do to accomplish this?

Like I said, not over yet. I'll still be here, probably still asking for advice and support. Hope I can use this experience to help someone else one day. That the random kindness of strangers has not only helped me through this crisis, but generally improved my well-being as an aside? What an amazing world this is. Thank you all.

Way to go on the internet exposure. Sorry to but picturing her trying to delete the accounts as fast as her fingers could fly is classic. Good job Travis. Keep an eye out and your ears open.

If you click on the notify button at the bottom of you post you can request that your thread be moved. Read up on plan A in the meantime.

That got moved quickly! Thanks!

Well, I have been reading about all the plans, but I'm not out of the woods yet. The PA may have been denied, I will only say for now because I am not yet sure. And the EA, well, it likely continues.

Am I wrong to hope? She says many of the things in the "script" and frequently states, "you'll be better off." She wasn't mad about me telling off the OM. She genuinely appreciated my help with the car fiasco. I have been trying to avoid being an angry screamer (somewhat successfully). I need an honest opinion, am I misreading the situation? Is she merely deflated and defeated?

I am not about to let her dictate the situation as she sees fit. But I also fear letting my want interfere with my ability to honestly judge.

As always, I appreciate the support and advice!

Much less confident today than yesterday... I was so right about not being out of the woods, I found this in an e-mail to my MIL from my wife.

She told her mom "I have been talking to (OM) and the more I do, the more I know that what I had with Travis is done." "For the first time in forever, I am truly happy." "We both have just existed for so long. I truly believe that he is the reason that I have never felt complete in any relationship. He has always had my heart and I have always searched to find the feelings that I have always felt for him." "I believe that he and I were meant to be together. And Mama, it will happen. I am not sure when, but it will be soon. I can't live like this anymore." "I have told Travis that Kathleen is coming in. I know I should feel guilty, but I don't. Like I said, there is nothing there."

I am now further devestated. I understand that in our marriage, I had not been meeting her EN. I thought that was all it was... but has she been harboring feelings all this time? She and the OM were bf/gf 20 years ago.

A lot of the fight has left me this morning... hoping for advice.

Perhaps you should have done what another poster did here and changed her password on those sites after making the post.



Excellent. This buys you more time to do an excellent Plan A and show your WW what she was truly planning to walk away from.

A lot of it is WS-speak, and if you Plan A right, your WW will likely end up regretting she ever said it.

Agree with MiM. She doesn't know OM, that's just teenage fantasy drivel.

You should have her completely isolated financially right now if you haven't done so. A woman in her state of mind is likely to open her own bank account without your knowledge and then transfer all your marital funds there. She can legally do this.

So beat her to it.

Cancel all credit cards and bank cards. Trust me on that. It happened to me.

Exposure may not be working, but there are things you should be doing regardless of whether or not you will or won't save your marriage.

If it's going to end, then go down fighting.

That means you hire a lawyer and start the paperwork to sue the other man for alienation of affection. Talk to a lawyer about it. Depends on your state.

Now, calm down for a second and back away from your situation.

How would you advise a friend in your situation? You'd look at him and see that he's married to a woman with a history of running, who is having an affair, who he hasn't been married to for that long, and who he has no children with.

Would you tell him to have children with her?

Would you advise him to stay in the marriage?

That being said, you wish to save it so there's more things you can and should be doing.

First off, don't grovel, whine or cry to her.

You must be the pillar of strength.

Second, know that you have the advantage of being real versus a fantasy.

She's in love with a fantasy and it isn't real. She'll discover that in time.

Believe half of what you see and none of what you hear from her. So don't hope with anything she says.

A WW will tell you what you want to hear in order to get her way. Lived that too.

Finally, understand this: There is life after divorce and perspective that comes from detaching yourself emotionally from your wife.

I learned that life is good as a single man and that the women who are out there are wonderful. It's not easy, but they're out there and you can love again if you end up divorced.

You will grieve and hurt, but there will come a point when you will be over your WW and may be happy she's out of your life.

One thing to ask yourself: How long has the contact with OM been going on while you were sitting there thinking everything was great? How great was it when she was contacting OM and having an affair on you?

How is she treating you?

Travis,
Believe me when I say that we know how much it sucks to read that kind of stuff. But you also have to remember that nearly every WS rewrites the marital history to justify their behavior to themselves. My ex-wife claimed she hadn't been happy in awhile, but during that time she claimed not to be happy, she was also really into "Yahoo Answers" and 4 out of every 5 answers she posted involved how happy she was with me. They HAVE to tell themselves these things so they don't have to view themselves in a realistic light.

Don't worry about the ramblings of your WW right now. Just worry about whether or not you want to fight for this marriage. Her car was repossessed and she can't go anywhere yet. So get into a knockout Plan A. One thing you could maybe do to throw a wrench into her affair fantasy is to write a nice letter that lists reasons you married her, reasons you love her, and then specifically cite some of your happiest memories with her. Hopefully some of those are recent.

I don't see where you found HIS side and exposed to them. You need to strike there, too.

You guys have so much great advice. It is really hard to be objective all on my own.

I think you're right, it is time for my great Plan A. I can do this! I am a pillar of strength!

I have not been sitting here thinking everything was great. I have been talking to a wall. Now I know there was another guy the wall was talking to. It's been about 6-8 weeks, based on the phone records, and meshes with a return home from a visit to her parents. I assumed she missed them (never cut the apron strings, my WW), and was not happy about leaving them. They used to live a half hour away, its now half the country away, and my MIL is in failing health. But that now appears to be a coincidence. Or perhaps some of both. In any event, things were not great before this happened, for which we both share responsibility. I wish I was half as smart 6 months ago as I've become in a few days perusing this site. She does not appeared to have strayed before this, again based on phone records, and in general I did not suspect anything until relatively recently, so I feel she told the truth about that, at least.

I am hesitant about isolating the money. Obviously I don't want to get burned, but I don't want to breed further mistrust. Has anyone else had problems with that after the fact, when trying to rebuild the relationship? Our finances are completely 100% pristine to this point, I verified this very carefully.

She is not being loving, but she seems to be attempting kindness and patience, to limited success. She does not want to talk about the details of the affair. She knows it hurts me, even though I ask, and she seems hesitant to do so (real or deceit, however, who knows). She really wants me to be angry and sling mud and call names and tell her to get out. She wants this to be easy, and I'm not obliging.

But, she has been more honest about the affair. She is still talking to him, but at least now I know when she does it. Sometimes I'm not sure if that helps or hurts. Both? She's opening up to me more than in a while. She hasn't been cruel. She hasn't been indifferent. What does any of this mean?

Your comment about if it was a buddy... that gives me pause. Maybe it's time I solicited their opinions, hard as it is to explain. For whatever it's worth, we don't have kids because we are physically unable. Don't know how much that matters to the discussion... whatever.

I am completely unable to make a short post. I feel like I'm just babbling, not making any sense. Thanks again, everyone, looking forward to more.

I forgot about updating you on the OM side, sorry! I don't know this POS, so it's been very difficult. Turns out the ex-GF is actually the ex-W... and unfortunately, all of his friends and family think she is a vindictive psycho. She has been very little help. But there was exposure.

I personally exposed to whatever mutual friends they had online. Again, since I don't know anyone, I'm not getting far. But at least the word is out. I'm a little limited on his end, he's not currently married so no one seems to care. And I'm sure the story over there is that I'm a vindictive psycho too. But the word is out.

We'll see where this goes, time to study up on that Plan A some more.

Thanks so much!

A few of us BHs don't believe in Plan A for a BH, mainly because of the resentment and disgust that can build up if the WW continues to see OM once the affair is out in the open.

If your wife manages to visit OM, obviously they are going to have sex. Can you honestly say that you will be able to love her, have sex with her, etc. after that?

If so, go ahead and Plan A. I could never have done it. For me, it was Plan "No contact from this point forward or get the hell out right now".

Everyone is different.

Where are you getting the info that OM's family thinks his ex is a psycho? From WW? If so, ignore. Confirm for yourself by trying to contact OM's family. exW is a psycho but OM is a nice guy that chases after married women. :RollieEyes: His family could be enabling trash but confirm for yourself.

Since you brought up the inability to have children...do you think this plays any part in you WW's infidelity? Feel free to ignore if that's too personal.

Why are you asking her about her affair? In Plan A, you shouldn't be bringing up any relationship talk. HOWEVER, (notice the upper case emphasis) this does not mean that you become a doormat. While you're Plan A'ing her, you should continue to do whatever you can to break up this affair, but DON'T TALK TO HER ABOUT IT.

Forget what she "says", watch what she "does".

If I were you, I would do everything in my power (behind the scenes) to prevent this weekend from happening.

Did OM respond to you?

I agree with Krazy here. I could stomach Plan A while she chatted with OM up until the point that she went to meet him. If that happens, they WILL have sex, and at that point I would cut her off swiftly and mercilessly. A temporary EA can be forgiven. Going to sleep with him after you know about the affair is unforgivable to me.

In the meantime, look up your state laws and OM's state laws on Alienation of Affection. Nothing to crush the fantasy faster than a lawsuit. From a legal standpoint though, you probably need the keylogger logs rather than just email printouts to prove the EA. Consult with a lawyer, but I think you are allowed to safeguard your home network via keylogger, whereas if you hack into her email, that data may not be admissable.

Travishurt

(I am hesitant about isolating the money.) WAKEUP she is the one who cannot be trusted.

How is she communicating w/ the OM? Cut off all access. Get software to block websites, block email address, block phone numbers and delete contact info.

Also start going after OM. Start contacting his parents

Until WW and OM meet up, he should still plan A if he can manage. Plus expose and make OM life as miserable as possible.

Travis: Just got up to speed on your thread. Sorry you are here, but be happy in that your WW hasn't turned this EA to a PA (as far as you know now...)

That said, install a keylogger on her work computer if you can. They have versions that will e-mail you all the information remotely. If she's got a blackberry look in to flexispy.com. I'm not saying, but I'm just saying...

GPS her car.

Voice record her car.

Snoop your tail off to find out when, not if, she's going to hook up with him. Because from what she's typed in her e-mail, she WILL try to hook up with him.

Be strong brother!

If I had known about OM prior to the first time they had sex, I'd have done almost anything to stop them.

I'd make the price of the sex so high that OM wouldn't want it.

Your hesitancy about the money is exactly the same mistake I made about my WW. I assumed she would not do what she did. The next thing I know, most of our bank account had been cleaned out and put into another account I knew nothing about.

You have to understand that you can't treat her like your wife until she starts acting like your wife. You can't trust HER, not the other way around. You haven't violated her trust. She's violated yours.

So if she throws a fit, you simply say, "I don't trust you one bit right now. You're having an affair and I'm protecting our finances from you. If you want me to regain your trust, then you have to earn it and end all contact with OM for life. If that's not possible, then we can't be married anymore and I won't treat you like my wife. I don't have joint accounts with people who betray me."

I don't think that's an LB, but others may differ. That's simple reality.

WWes respond to strong decisive men, not wimps afraid to act.

That's not an attack on you. I was such a man who was more afraid of upsetting the WW than I was about doing what neededt to be done. I was burned as a result.

Several people have now told you to act decisively BECAUSE WE KNOW IT WORKS.

Ignore the advice at your own peril.

I agree completely.

Plan A's fine IF she has established NC.

If she's banging some guy (or planning it) while shoving your nose in it then toss her to the curb. She's not worth it.

I hear ya. Years ago I could have been home watching the evening news and seen a story about a Krazy man that ran a bus of school children off the road, ran over an old lady and her dog, and then pinned some loser under his car.

Travis

Unbelieveable your WW is banging the OM, won't stop contact, and you won't cut off the money. A BH should never finance an affair.
What's wrong with you?

So you cut off the money. What's WW going to do for revenge? BAng the OM. No of course not. She will have to think of something new for she is already doing that.

Protect yourself financially Travis. WW has no car now. Nothing is stopping her from going out and buying another car with cash. She can keep putting her paycheck in the existing account and you set up a new one for your paycheck and to transfer th bulk of your existing balance. Have her pay her own cell phone bill and whatever other bills she incurs that contribute to her carrying on her A.

Agreed! Looking back I was so nieve and trusting. And looking back I would have given my left nut to stop their hookup. I would have WALKED to Vegas to prevent it. I'd have chained myself to the plane.

Alas I could not see it coming and did not stop it. Now I'm left with dealing with my remorseful WW and the pain this has caused both of us. Grateful the OM is out of the picture, but it's going to be a long, hard road to recovery.

You forgot about the part where I set nuns ablaze.

Travis,

Now that WW has lost her car make sure you guard your own car keys with your life!! Sleep with them under the pillow!! I'd hate to see a post on here on Saturday from you in which you tell us how she stole your keys and took your car to get to her weekend rendezvous with OM.

Bottom line is you cannot trust a wayward. Everyone here is telling you the same thing. Protect your finances and car keys!!

Mindshare

She'll either take their money and buy a plane ticket, or.....

OM will buy the ticket for her.

I wouldn't let her out of my friggin sight. I'd behave, more or less, like a Secret Service agent this weekend.

LOL I forgot that one.

I don't think we're yet at the Plan A stage, maybe I don't yet understand. Right now I'm just trying to stop the A. I am sure that they have not been physically together in the course of the EA. They were once bf/gf and I'm sure they were together then, but not now. They have not been physically in the same location since the EA started 6-8 weeks ago. I am sure. I don't know why, for someone who is so emotional, I am so much more concerned with them sharing a physical attachment, but it seems more important. I don't know.

I will protect the finances. It is probably not unreasonable. I expected at least some different response but it is so universal the other way... I understand.

Friends of friends have filtered to me the info on the OM XW. Family and friends are definitely enabling and don't know me, don't care what happens to me. Somebody is on my side, but I don't know who and I don't know how much difference they're making. None of this info came from WW.

Regarding kids, I have always strongly wanted them. Might as well be honest; the odds of my WW bringing a baby to term are infinitesimally small. One of her claims about me being better off is that I can be a father if I'm with someone else. She has voiced this as a fear before, when our relationship was in a better place. She may truly believe she is doing me a favor, but I don't figure it factors in any other respect. As with everything now, however, grain of salt.

When is the time to discuss the A? Am I confusing plans? I do want to understand the puzzle, as someone else put it. Is that after the break in contact? Sorry if I'm not getting it too quickly.

This weekend is for sure off. I have thus far kept them from hooking up. A battle won, the war not over.

The OM responded... he does not care. Thinks I'm a loser who has mishandled my relationship... didn't pay my W enough attention... etc. I don't care what he thinks, either. I'm not sure if I should keep having this argument with him or not. It seems largely pointless.

They communicate via cell phone. We have a joint phone account so my access is unlimited. I could stop paying, but that won't keep her from opening her own account. I think I prefer having access to the records. Am I off base?

Apart from the bank account - which I will shortly address - everything else is protected. She will have to hail a cab and knock me down to get away.

Thanks for keeping me on track. Looking forward to everyone's thoughts.

Travis,
After that response from OM, you need to save that email and look into alienation of affection laws. Filing a lawsuit against him will be like hitting him with a sledgehammer.

Don't bother "arguing" with OM.

You've got to choose your words carefully for legal reasons, but just let him know that messing with your wife will not come without personal consequences for him.

Leave it at that. Don't be any more specific.

Hire that P.I. if you can. Your wife will be quite surprised when you rattle off his address, place of employment, etc.

It will also let her know that you are, in fact, in a position to "cause him distress" should you choose to.

I don't need a PI to nail this guy. He's an idiot, I'm not, and the Internet is, IMO, the most amazing tool ever invented. That particular problem is solved. (1 down, 4342 to go.)

OK, question about Alienation of Affection, if anyone knows. The OM lives in a state where this is still legal. It was abolished in my state. Anybody have any idea how that reconciles? If I can I will in fact throw that at him as hard as I can.

I have begun to better understand Plan A and am working to more correctly and efficiently implement it.

Cannot thank everyone enough. I appreciate the honest and open opinions.

Take some active steps that show you won't put up with your wife communicating w/ OM. Go into her accounts, block his email address, get software to block access to networking sites (facebook, myspace), delete all his contact info in her email, cell phone, wallet, etc. Then see if the cell phone company can block calls from his cell phone, and switch her number with the phone company.

THEN....

Contact OM's mom and dad. You seem young enough that some people's parents still have some influence over them. If they do, great. If not, no harm done. Do you have any big friends back home that could pay OM a visit (nothing physical), and tell OM to back off your wife?

Also if you live in HI, IL, NC, NH, NM, MS, SD, or UT you can file an alienation of affection lawsuit against him forbidding him to contact your wife or he will sustain financial penalties.

Don't put up with your WW's crap. She's actually more likely to leave you if you do. Your goal is getting NC between the two "lovebirds."

I don't know, I would contact a lawyer from that state and ask him.

I want to clarify a step here: is it acceptable to say to my WW that I want NC at this stage? I know one of the primary weapons in Plan A is non-disclosure of my plans.

Don't be afraid of the WW - as others have mentioned, your marriage can survive her anger but not her affair. As for making the OM's life extremely difficult, do it! Don't go around threatening to beat him up but EXPOSE to his family. Do a background check on him! You would be surprised on what you may find out!

Family and friends of who? You? OM? WW?

More importantly... why don't they know?? You need to expose this!
They need to know your WW is married to a man who still very much loves her and is interested in reconciliation.

NC between OM and WW? Yes you tell WW you want NC. Bring up NC isn't revealing your plans in any sort of way. Tell he continued contact is a slap in the face to you and you aren't going to put up with this BS. You don't have to reveal anything to her. If she baits you with comments like what are you going to do about it if I don't stop? Tell her, you'll find out soon enough and walk off.

FWIW, I agree with Krazy on this point COMPLETELY.

WW's should get one chance, AND ONE CHANCE ONLY, to acknowledge their mistake and show some form of remorse for their actions, PERIOD!!!

There are lots of good women out there and life is too short to be wasted on a bad one.

You can contact a lawyer in his state and hire him and have him file the AoA suit.

I sued a guy in another state and he got really scared when he saw the legal paperwork and agreed quickly to a settlement (all I wanted was a refund of what I paid for and didn't get plus legal fees).

So sue him for AoA and legal fees. The papers are often enough to scare him away and make him see that your WW is not worth the trouble.

But I offer this food for thought:

If your wife is unable to have children, then your relationship with her is based completely on love and companionship and she is very unlovable right now. The only thing you have to base your marriage on is totally broken and it will take A LOT of work to repair it.

You want kids. It sounds like you're young. So why not get rid of the cheater and find yourself a woman who not only has boundaries, but is able and willing to have children?

Trust me. There's lots of great women in their 30s who are looking for a good man to have a family with. No need to waste your time on someone who is infertile (nothing against infertile people, but cheating and infertile?) and a cheater.

Still, I'd sue the OM right away and contact a lawyer in his state to do it.

I know my thread has been moved and people are catching up so I wanted to clarify some things.

The AFFAIR HAS BEEN EXPOSED. With everyone's help here I have managed to do so. The response from my friends and family (and most of my W and my mutual friends), has been positive. There has been no response from her friends and family. (I must wonder at this point if this is deliberate.) The OM's friends and family don't care one whit. Regardless of the response, the word is out. To everyone I could get it to.

The A has not yet been stopped. With a greater understanding of the Plan A principles today, I am working towards it. I believe she is showing remorse, but as everyone warns, grain of salt right now. Grain of salt. Otherwise I would be with you on the "get out."

So the next step is to make the OM know you're going to make his life difficult.

Filing an AoA suit forces him to hire a lawyer and spend money to defend himself regardless of your outcome. He gets put on notice that you will not make things easy and that he has to go into a courtroom and justify why he's been talking to a married woman.

Your WW will go ballistic but your response is simple, "I will do whatever it takes to save my marriage and end your affair."

Great, great advice. Lawyer in his state is a fantastic idea, we'll see what happens.

Plan A is in effect and seems to be having some impact. So far she will not agree to NC, but I do think I am reminding her of my old self. Frankly, it's good to be my old self again, everything else aside.

Thanks for all the advice and support! I've definitely needed it. (And probably still will!)

Hey Everybody,

Thanks for all of your help! With your assistance, my WW is not meeting her BF this weekend after all. I am implementing Plan A so I think I will start a new thread in that section. One step at a time, right?

I'll still need lots of help, support, and advice, and I'm thankful to have found all of that here.

Great Travis.

My advice is to keep this thread going in GENQII. Lots of traffic here and by keeping this thread open people can catch up to your situation easier.

Again, good work getting their hook-up stopped! Stay strong with Plan A and keep those attorneys after the OM.

I second that. Don't move the thread and stay here.

But by no means should you fool yourself. You've merely delayed her plans. She still wants to meet with OM and will try to make it happen.

Believe half of what you see and none of what you hear from her.

I agree completely! And I'm sure I've said this before, but you need to SNOOP, SNOOP, SNOOP, SNOOP!

Do not trust her! She's a wayward and will lie, cheat and steal to get her "fix" -- the high of the affair! She will lie to you. Snoop and be sure of where she is, what she is doing, where she is going.

My WW's A is over and only contact since thanksgiving was a text from OM saying "never should have happened...shouldn't have let this get that far...please stop calling my GF...blah, blah, blah" (that was Jan 10th). But I'm still snooping my tail off!

OK, I guess I'm still getting the hang of this place. The story continues.

Plan A appears to be doing its thing, although she is waiting for the "old me" to surface, or to stop acting so "fake." I am trying to make her understand that I'm doing this for me - and truly I am - with medium success. But of course I would be pleased if it could lead us to a better relationship.

Thus far, however, she will not agree to NC. I understand that this is frequently the case, and that's what Plan B is for. I can be patient... but I don't know if she can be. I think it's possible she will bolt (most of her family is out of state and will take her in without hesitation). Do I just stick with Plan A, and see what happens? How much do I stress my desire for NC between her and OM? I have noticed, since the A was exposed, for every 3-4 messages the OM sends to my W, she only has 1 reply. Probably doesn't mean anything, but I'm curious if there are any thoughts. There is still so far to go.

Finances are secure, computer is secure. AoA is in progress, not far yet. I'm deliberately leaving the phone as is to retain ease of snooping access. I think everything is proceeding as planned, just wish I knew what the result would be.

Thanks everyone for all the support and advice. I need it so much!

The thing about Plan A is to expect nothing in return for your efforts. It's expressed love without expectations.

She will continue to lie.

I think the sign that OM is not texting as much might be positive and your AoA suit could bear real fruit and shake him off.

There needs to be consequences for adultery and you're doing the right thing.

I think it means that he is the one pursuing your WW and the one more emotionally invested in the relationship. Afterall, he already dumped his GF, so he is the only single one now. He can do what he wants (communicate to your WW) with impunity. She has you around, so she can't.

That is why you need to make your WW no longer worth his while (AoA). Once he stops pursuing, the A dies. I think your WW is addicted to the attention he has given her.

I mis-read the message you posted about the texting. He could end up overwhelming her.

But your AoA suit should bring a dose of reality to him.

Just keep Plan A'ing until she breaks thru her Fog. Conditions like NC, considering she was ready to bolt and is still hanging on by a thread, might just push her out. Just keep watching.

Will do. I won't push it.

I am having some difficulty dealing with the fallout from exposing the A to her family. She is really angry today. I guess her family's on satellite delay. I think I'm reacting well. Calmly, rationally. She doesn't like any of the answers, though. I'm finding it difficult to explain, when I know it's part of the plan, and she doesn't. The animosity is making me feel sick. Literally. I know I'm doing the right thing. I can handle this.

You don't have to explain a thing, just like she isn't going to explain her actions. All you say is, "I did it because I felt it was the best thing I could do to save my marriage," and then refuse to talk about it further.

I love that line! Great! Waywards hate that line...USE IT!

So, I told that to my WW... her response? She says I can't save it, it's over.

Do I just keep on plugging away at Plan A? How much weight do I give the things she's telling me? Is she still just in her fantasy world?

I met a buddy after work yesterday. He bought me some drinks and listened to my story. It was the first time outside of my family that I sat down and spilled the beans, painful as they were. Like good buddies do, he offered to take me out on the town... strip club? Get plastered? Dinner? Poker? Anything I wanted. But my WW texted me before I left work that she was making dinner, did I want to eat with her? I told my buddy what I wanted to do... go home and have dinner with my wife. I must be crazy... or strong... or both.

My buddy did tell me he was surprised at how well I was handling things. I have all of you to thank for that. Looking forward to everyone's thoughts.

Don't worry. Every wayward says the same thing - it's over.

Or, you ruined everything; now I will NEVER get back with you - I was considering it, but YOU ruined your chances!

Just remember this isn't your wife. It's an alien in her body, and when this is over, and you guys are back together, she'll be horrified she acted like this.

Exposure is working. You were right to go home to have diner with your WW. Keep up the good effort.

I'm doing my best... but she now says she planning on moving out. I don't know what to do. What I want is to stop her... but I don't know that I can.

Again, to reiterate, my $ are secure. My life is basically secure all around (other than the turmoil of this terrible situation). What's my next step? Plan B? Keep resolute with Plan A?

It hurts that it may be coming to this. I had not wanted it to, but I understood it was a possibility, a strong one. Knowing the disease was terminal doesn't make it any easier to stomach the actual death, I guess.

Poor analogy. I am stressed out and reeling. Looking forward to further advice and support.

Call her family and friends again and tell them you're trying to do anything you can but she said she wants to move out. Ask them to help you save the marriage, if they think she should stay, by talking to her.

Keep up Plan A. Plan B is only when you can't stand thinking about her anymore; it is to save YOUR sanity, not about getting her back. Remember that. Just show her with consistency that you are the better choice. Keep looking for ways to show OM up. Keep finding ways to expose or point out to everyone (without pestering or looking needy) what she's doing.

Travis:

Remember this:

Than she invited you over for dinner.

Yes, she said it was "over"

So what. She is seeing the changes in you. That is why you are "fake" Tell her, you are waiting for the "old HER" to surface, the one who married you. She changed, so can you.

Plan A time. OM is already on the run. She can't afford her own place. You should call those folks again, like cat suggested, and let them know that you are still fighting to save your marriage. That WW wants to move out. However, you think that it will help the marraige to have WW continue living with you. Will you support me in this?

Let her threaten. Her plan changes every hour, every minute. MB has plans for you for the nest week, month, or year, if you want to save your marriage. She does NOT have that. Keep reading here and learning. You have an advantage, use it.

LG

She is sounding like a broken record. "I am moving out." "I won't stop talking to the OM." "It's too late." "I'm not attracted to you anymore." Blah, blah, blah. We had some fairly frank conversations over the weekend and I just... don't know. How do I know I'm not stringing myself along. I have no confidence right now that this can be saved.

Only two of her family members responded. I know everybody knows from what I read in her e-mail and heard from her, but everybody else has nothing to say to me. One of her brothers just told me to listen to her, let the walls come down, communicate. He didn't have much else to say. Her mom said she was supporting my WW, "I love my daughter very much and will always stand by her ..... right or wrong." Are they putting the pressure on? I think they see me as the bad guy. She could stab me in the face and they'd probably take her side.

Good thing these plans are about self-improvement, it at least gives me a goal, even if it wasn't the one I originally intended.

I don't know about the Plan A, but do continue to ask yourself how much you'd resent her if she came back to you right now.

Keep in mind that there's no telling what her family has heard about you:

You beat her.
You're a methhead.
You touch children inappropriately, shortly before you deep-fry and eat them.



How about that A of A lawsuit? You should look into it soon, because I think if you have sex with the WS after d-day, the lawsuit is kaput...something about it being a sign that you "approve of the affair" or some nonsense like that.

This attitude by the mother shows why her daughter feels entitled to act out in this way. This is a RED FLAG to not only how much support you are going to get from them (family)to save your M-- but on a deeper level, the mindset of a taker (and how they get to be takers).

She obviously was treated like a princess growing up, and feels her feelings trump the feelings of other people in her home.

If this is even close to the truth, (I hope not) this is a long standing mindset that she has. Not saying that she can or will not change and want to save her M, but...

Has she been a good W prior?
Has she always acted so self important?

Hi Travis,

I see you are focusing on her statement that she is moving out. Look - she may or may not move out. She may say it now, but talk is cheap - moving out takes time, takes handling logistics, takes finding a new place, etc. etc.

I'd recommend not worrying so much about whether or not she moves out... instead focus on the fact that right now, she is at home. As long as she is at home, you have the opportunity to Plan A her. If you want to save the marriage, take that opportunity as long as you have it. Focus more on what you can do now, and less on what may or may not happen in the future.

You may not see an immediate result... but that doesn't mean that your actions are having no effect. You don't know what is going on inside her head, you only know what she is saying to you... and that is never the whole truth, especially now.

I'm sorry her family aren't more help. For what it's worth, my brother-in-law and mother-in-law were both all in favor of my wife's stated desire to divorce me, and I know my MIL would have been thrilled if my wife had gone ahead and had an affair with her ex-bf - MIL was best friends with ex-bf's mother and was a big fan of him. (My wife skirted the edges of an EA.)

Her family's attitude doesn't mean things can't work out between you and your wife. If things do work out, your relationship with your MIL may well be damaged. I know my wife recognized her mother's attitude toward me was detrimental to our marriage, and she now stands up for me to her mother when the need arises.

I don't understand it, my Mom doesn't understand it, my Dad really doesn't (his first wife - Mom is the 2nd - had an A while he was in Vietnam, for cryin' out loud), but I don't resent my WW at all. I just want my W back, if I could. Don't know if I can.

The AoA, I'm waiting for a response from the lawyer. Although IL (where the OM lives) is one of the handful of states, the laws are really tough there. The lawyer is debating if I even have cause to serve him under the current law there; I may not. If not, I'll let the conversation with the lawyer accidentally become common knowledge. Heh. Apparently the one good thing about the IL law is that I still have some recourse even if the WW and I reconcile, which I thought was interesting. Anyway...

WW was a good wife, just not recently. Very loving, very caring, so great. She was / is also kind of a self-interested person. The irony is, her family never used to do squat for her, and she became independent and self-serving. Whoa... they need to do something for her now, and still aren't. Kind of.

MIL was actually pretty kind about it. I think maybe she didn't have as much of the story as WW indicated. But they've made it plain, WW comes first. Don't blame them, I guess, I'm not their daughter / sister. But yeah, it illustrates a pattern.

I'm babbling again. Thanks for the pep talk in your post, CC (not discounting anybody else's), I'll adjust my focus.

Travis, I think you might find the movie "Fireproof" of benefit to watch. It just came out on DVD a few weeks ago.

If you're not familiar with it, it is the story of a marriage that is falling apart. The wife wants a divorce and is starting up an EA with someone at work. The husband is challenged by his father to try to win her back.

The movie was produced by a church, it is very low-budget, and it does have a strong Evangelical Christian emphasis. I don't know what, if any, your own beliefs are. I am not an active churchgoer, but even so I found a lot to like about the movie. You might as well.