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Joined: Dec 2004
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Just keep Plan A'ing until she breaks thru her Fog. Conditions like NC, considering she was ready to bolt and is still hanging on by a thread, might just push her out. Just keep watching.

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Will do. I won't push it.

I am having some difficulty dealing with the fallout from exposing the A to her family. She is really angry today. I guess her family's on satellite delay. I think I'm reacting well. Calmly, rationally. She doesn't like any of the answers, though. I'm finding it difficult to explain, when I know it's part of the plan, and she doesn't. The animosity is making me feel sick. Literally. I know I'm doing the right thing. I can handle this.

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Originally Posted by travishurt
Will do. I won't push it.

I am having some difficulty dealing with the fallout from exposing the A to her family. She is really angry today. I guess her family's on satellite delay. I think I'm reacting well. Calmly, rationally. She doesn't like any of the answers, though. I'm finding it difficult to explain, when I know it's part of the plan, and she doesn't. The animosity is making me feel sick. Literally. I know I'm doing the right thing. I can handle this.

You don't have to explain a thing, just like she isn't going to explain her actions. All you say is, "I did it because I felt it was the best thing I could do to save my marriage," and then refuse to talk about it further.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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Originally Posted by jmwc95
You don't have to explain a thing, just like she isn't going to explain her actions. All you say is, "I did it because I felt it was the best thing I could do to save my marriage," and then refuse to talk about it further.

I love that line! Great! Waywards hate that line...USE IT!


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So, I told that to my WW... her response? She says I can't save it, it's over.

Do I just keep on plugging away at Plan A? How much weight do I give the things she's telling me? Is she still just in her fantasy world?

I met a buddy after work yesterday. He bought me some drinks and listened to my story. It was the first time outside of my family that I sat down and spilled the beans, painful as they were. Like good buddies do, he offered to take me out on the town... strip club? Get plastered? Dinner? Poker? Anything I wanted. But my WW texted me before I left work that she was making dinner, did I want to eat with her? I told my buddy what I wanted to do... go home and have dinner with my wife. I must be crazy... or strong... or both.

My buddy did tell me he was surprised at how well I was handling things. I have all of you to thank for that. Looking forward to everyone's thoughts.


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Don't worry. Every wayward says the same thing - it's over.

Or, you ruined everything; now I will NEVER get back with you - I was considering it, but YOU ruined your chances!

Just remember this isn't your wife. It's an alien in her body, and when this is over, and you guys are back together, she'll be horrified she acted like this.

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Exposure is working. You were right to go home to have diner with your WW. Keep up the good effort.

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I'm doing my best... but she now says she planning on moving out. I don't know what to do. What I want is to stop her... but I don't know that I can.

Again, to reiterate, my $ are secure. My life is basically secure all around (other than the turmoil of this terrible situation). What's my next step? Plan B? Keep resolute with Plan A?

It hurts that it may be coming to this. I had not wanted it to, but I understood it was a possibility, a strong one. Knowing the disease was terminal doesn't make it any easier to stomach the actual death, I guess.

Poor analogy. I am stressed out and reeling. Looking forward to further advice and support.

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Call her family and friends again and tell them you're trying to do anything you can but she said she wants to move out. Ask them to help you save the marriage, if they think she should stay, by talking to her.

Keep up Plan A. Plan B is only when you can't stand thinking about her anymore; it is to save YOUR sanity, not about getting her back. Remember that. Just show her with consistency that you are the better choice. Keep looking for ways to show OM up. Keep finding ways to expose or point out to everyone (without pestering or looking needy) what she's doing.

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Travis:

Remember this:
Quote
Plan A appears to be doing its thing, although she is waiting for the "old me" to surface, or to stop acting so "fake." I am trying to make her understand that I'm doing this for me - and truly I am - with medium success. But of course I would be pleased if it could lead us to a better relationship.

Than she invited you over for dinner.

Yes, she said it was "over"

So what. She is seeing the changes in you. That is why you are "fake" Tell her, you are waiting for the "old HER" to surface, the one who married you. She changed, so can you.

Plan A time. OM is already on the run. She can't afford her own place. You should call those folks again, like cat suggested, and let them know that you are still fighting to save your marriage. That WW wants to move out. However, you think that it will help the marraige to have WW continue living with you. Will you support me in this?

Let her threaten. Her plan changes every hour, every minute. MB has plans for you for the nest week, month, or year, if you want to save your marriage. She does NOT have that. Keep reading here and learning. You have an advantage, use it.

LG

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She is sounding like a broken record. "I am moving out." "I won't stop talking to the OM." "It's too late." "I'm not attracted to you anymore." Blah, blah, blah. We had some fairly frank conversations over the weekend and I just... don't know. How do I know I'm not stringing myself along. I have no confidence right now that this can be saved.

Only two of her family members responded. I know everybody knows from what I read in her e-mail and heard from her, but everybody else has nothing to say to me. One of her brothers just told me to listen to her, let the walls come down, communicate. He didn't have much else to say. Her mom said she was supporting my WW, "I love my daughter very much and will always stand by her ..... right or wrong." Are they putting the pressure on? I think they see me as the bad guy. She could stab me in the face and they'd probably take her side.

Good thing these plans are about self-improvement, it at least gives me a goal, even if it wasn't the one I originally intended.

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I don't know about the Plan A, but do continue to ask yourself how much you'd resent her if she came back to you right now.

Keep in mind that there's no telling what her family has heard about you:

You beat her.
You're a methhead.
You touch children inappropriately, shortly before you deep-fry and eat them.



How about that A of A lawsuit? You should look into it soon, because I think if you have sex with the WS after d-day, the lawsuit is kaput...something about it being a sign that you "approve of the affair" or some nonsense like that.


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This attitude by the mother shows why her daughter feels entitled to act out in this way. This is a RED FLAG to not only how much support you are going to get from them (family)to save your M-- but on a deeper level, the mindset of a taker (and how they get to be takers).

She obviously was treated like a princess growing up, and feels her feelings trump the feelings of other people in her home.

If this is even close to the truth, (I hope not) this is a long standing mindset that she has. Not saying that she can or will not change and want to save her M, but...

Has she been a good W prior?
Has she always acted so self important?


Me; W 46
Him; H 46

2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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Hi Travis,

I see you are focusing on her statement that she is moving out. Look - she may or may not move out. She may say it now, but talk is cheap - moving out takes time, takes handling logistics, takes finding a new place, etc. etc.

I'd recommend not worrying so much about whether or not she moves out... instead focus on the fact that right now, she is at home. As long as she is at home, you have the opportunity to Plan A her. If you want to save the marriage, take that opportunity as long as you have it. Focus more on what you can do now, and less on what may or may not happen in the future.

You may not see an immediate result... but that doesn't mean that your actions are having no effect. You don't know what is going on inside her head, you only know what she is saying to you... and that is never the whole truth, especially now.

I'm sorry her family aren't more help. For what it's worth, my brother-in-law and mother-in-law were both all in favor of my wife's stated desire to divorce me, and I know my MIL would have been thrilled if my wife had gone ahead and had an affair with her ex-bf - MIL was best friends with ex-bf's mother and was a big fan of him. (My wife skirted the edges of an EA.)

Her family's attitude doesn't mean things can't work out between you and your wife. If things do work out, your relationship with your MIL may well be damaged. I know my wife recognized her mother's attitude toward me was detrimental to our marriage, and she now stands up for me to her mother when the need arises.



Me: 41, INFP
Her: 46, ESFJ
Married 6/95
B-G Twins
4 yrs recovered from serious neglect on my part.
So happy together!
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I don't understand it, my Mom doesn't understand it, my Dad really doesn't (his first wife - Mom is the 2nd - had an A while he was in Vietnam, for cryin' out loud), but I don't resent my WW at all. I just want my W back, if I could. Don't know if I can.

The AoA, I'm waiting for a response from the lawyer. Although IL (where the OM lives) is one of the handful of states, the laws are really tough there. The lawyer is debating if I even have cause to serve him under the current law there; I may not. If not, I'll let the conversation with the lawyer accidentally become common knowledge. Heh. Apparently the one good thing about the IL law is that I still have some recourse even if the WW and I reconcile, which I thought was interesting. Anyway...

WW was a good wife, just not recently. Very loving, very caring, so great. She was / is also kind of a self-interested person. The irony is, her family never used to do squat for her, and she became independent and self-serving. Whoa... they need to do something for her now, and still aren't. Kind of.

MIL was actually pretty kind about it. I think maybe she didn't have as much of the story as WW indicated. But they've made it plain, WW comes first. Don't blame them, I guess, I'm not their daughter / sister. But yeah, it illustrates a pattern.

I'm babbling again. Thanks for the pep talk in your post, CC (not discounting anybody else's), I'll adjust my focus.

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Travis, I think you might find the movie "Fireproof" of benefit to watch. It just came out on DVD a few weeks ago.

If you're not familiar with it, it is the story of a marriage that is falling apart. The wife wants a divorce and is starting up an EA with someone at work. The husband is challenged by his father to try to win her back.

The movie was produced by a church, it is very low-budget, and it does have a strong Evangelical Christian emphasis. I don't know what, if any, your own beliefs are. I am not an active churchgoer, but even so I found a lot to like about the movie. You might as well.



Me: 41, INFP
Her: 46, ESFJ
Married 6/95
B-G Twins
4 yrs recovered from serious neglect on my part.
So happy together!
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