You've just discovered how evil and devious WWs can really be. Welcome to the club.

In the face of what you've discovered about your WW, are there any particular reasons why you wish to save your M? I ask, because you will have to continuously remind yourself of those reasons going forward, as the road ahead is going to be a long, hard and bumpy ride...

Make sure that you keep copies of all correspondence.

Is the vehicle owned by both of you?

She plans to move in with him? Do you know what she's planning to do for work? As for disabling the car...you can always just disconnect the battery. Since you don't have children with WW, you really need to think about whether or not she is capable of being a good wife and if she's worth the risk.

Don't let her know you've accessed her emails. Print hard copies and keep them in a safe place should you need them for evidence later. If she does leave and you don't want to try and stop her, then I'd pack up all her things; everything not just a suitcase or a box. Tell her if she doesn't come pick it up before she leaves, you'll be calling Goodwill to take it.

Did you try OM's ex again? Any luck? What did OM say to you? You have a lot of options Travis, it just depends on what you can live with and what your boundaries are.

Wow, that's a good one! I like it! Can you imagine how much it would affect someone to know that everything they've saved up their whole life will disappear? No way she'll have time to move it first. What a choice!

Keep on the OM. If you have the funds, hire a PI to gather any basic info on him you don't already have. No matter how this ends, he should be made to suffer as much as possible within the bounds of the law.

As far as your wife's vacation, hell yes I'd disable her car. Right in front of her.

Or maybe, hop in the passenger seat and say, "Let's go!"

With her knowing you know about the affair, if she goes out and sees OM you'll always resent her. ALWAYS.

You want to stay married? Stop the trip. If you want to divorce, let her go.

If you are still out there Travis, you might get more help with possible strategies if you request the mods to move your thread to the GQII section. Friday will be here soon.

Today has been interesting, to say the least. Wow.

I outed her A on both her MySpace and Facebook pages. Hoping the OM has mutual friends, I went ahead and named him too. She flipped out. She doesn't think it's me, which is a little bemusing, and I didn't educate her any. Knowing I have access when I want it is comforting. In her PANIC (seriously!) she deleted both accounts. DELETED! With that she began to waiver about the trip, but was not sold yet. Almost flat out ran, too, but I talked her down.

I have contacted all of her friends and family I could. I've been ignored, but at least the word is out. I'm hoping someone else will get to her.

I told the OM to take a hike, albeit a little more, shall we say, forcibly. He did not respond, but my WW heard what I did... and was not angry, which surprised me.

I've talked about the car for her trip... unfortunately its hers, just hers. That also means, however, I don't worry about the payments. Turns out she hasn't been either... it was repossessed today. TRIP OVER! On top of this, I got to take care of her today, something she has been too independent to let me do in a while. I feel good. I mean I know I didn't go the distance all my own, but I'm not too proud to accept a little outside assistance, however it comes.

Furthermore, I have been liberated. The advice here has opened my eyes. I am doing what I WANT TO DO. Not worrying about how it makes me look to my W or anybody else... and it turns out that makes me a better, happier person.

Obviously, this is still not over. I will continue to fight on, somebody asked why... when it has been good - and it hasn't been recently, I admit - it has been everything I could hope for. I'll forgo the wall of text that it would take to explain (you know, in addition to the wall of text that I've already typed). Suffice to say I still believe she can make me happy, even with all that's transpired. The most important thing to me is this: I am a very introverted guy - it's easy to type whatever on a message board, in person is another story. This has never been the case with my wife. From day one, before I really knew her, we were instantly connected, in a unique way I had never felt before. With a level of comfort I didn't think could be reached.

Looking back on that paragraph, it sounds a little hokey. But it's something I believe in, and it's something worth fighting for. So I will.

I'm too new here to know where I should be, if you advise GQII is the place to be then I believe you. What do I do to accomplish this?

Like I said, not over yet. I'll still be here, probably still asking for advice and support. Hope I can use this experience to help someone else one day. That the random kindness of strangers has not only helped me through this crisis, but generally improved my well-being as an aside? What an amazing world this is. Thank you all.

Way to go on the internet exposure. Sorry to but picturing her trying to delete the accounts as fast as her fingers could fly is classic. Good job Travis. Keep an eye out and your ears open.

If you click on the notify button at the bottom of you post you can request that your thread be moved. Read up on plan A in the meantime.

That got moved quickly! Thanks!

Well, I have been reading about all the plans, but I'm not out of the woods yet. The PA may have been denied, I will only say for now because I am not yet sure. And the EA, well, it likely continues.

Am I wrong to hope? She says many of the things in the "script" and frequently states, "you'll be better off." She wasn't mad about me telling off the OM. She genuinely appreciated my help with the car fiasco. I have been trying to avoid being an angry screamer (somewhat successfully). I need an honest opinion, am I misreading the situation? Is she merely deflated and defeated?

I am not about to let her dictate the situation as she sees fit. But I also fear letting my want interfere with my ability to honestly judge.

As always, I appreciate the support and advice!

Much less confident today than yesterday... I was so right about not being out of the woods, I found this in an e-mail to my MIL from my wife.

She told her mom "I have been talking to (OM) and the more I do, the more I know that what I had with Travis is done." "For the first time in forever, I am truly happy." "We both have just existed for so long. I truly believe that he is the reason that I have never felt complete in any relationship. He has always had my heart and I have always searched to find the feelings that I have always felt for him." "I believe that he and I were meant to be together. And Mama, it will happen. I am not sure when, but it will be soon. I can't live like this anymore." "I have told Travis that Kathleen is coming in. I know I should feel guilty, but I don't. Like I said, there is nothing there."

I am now further devestated. I understand that in our marriage, I had not been meeting her EN. I thought that was all it was... but has she been harboring feelings all this time? She and the OM were bf/gf 20 years ago.

A lot of the fight has left me this morning... hoping for advice.

Perhaps you should have done what another poster did here and changed her password on those sites after making the post.



Excellent. This buys you more time to do an excellent Plan A and show your WW what she was truly planning to walk away from.

A lot of it is WS-speak, and if you Plan A right, your WW will likely end up regretting she ever said it.

Agree with MiM. She doesn't know OM, that's just teenage fantasy drivel.

You should have her completely isolated financially right now if you haven't done so. A woman in her state of mind is likely to open her own bank account without your knowledge and then transfer all your marital funds there. She can legally do this.

So beat her to it.

Cancel all credit cards and bank cards. Trust me on that. It happened to me.

Exposure may not be working, but there are things you should be doing regardless of whether or not you will or won't save your marriage.

If it's going to end, then go down fighting.

That means you hire a lawyer and start the paperwork to sue the other man for alienation of affection. Talk to a lawyer about it. Depends on your state.

Now, calm down for a second and back away from your situation.

How would you advise a friend in your situation? You'd look at him and see that he's married to a woman with a history of running, who is having an affair, who he hasn't been married to for that long, and who he has no children with.

Would you tell him to have children with her?

Would you advise him to stay in the marriage?

That being said, you wish to save it so there's more things you can and should be doing.

First off, don't grovel, whine or cry to her.

You must be the pillar of strength.

Second, know that you have the advantage of being real versus a fantasy.

She's in love with a fantasy and it isn't real. She'll discover that in time.

Believe half of what you see and none of what you hear from her. So don't hope with anything she says.

A WW will tell you what you want to hear in order to get her way. Lived that too.

Finally, understand this: There is life after divorce and perspective that comes from detaching yourself emotionally from your wife.

I learned that life is good as a single man and that the women who are out there are wonderful. It's not easy, but they're out there and you can love again if you end up divorced.

You will grieve and hurt, but there will come a point when you will be over your WW and may be happy she's out of your life.

One thing to ask yourself: How long has the contact with OM been going on while you were sitting there thinking everything was great? How great was it when she was contacting OM and having an affair on you?

How is she treating you?

Travis,
Believe me when I say that we know how much it sucks to read that kind of stuff. But you also have to remember that nearly every WS rewrites the marital history to justify their behavior to themselves. My ex-wife claimed she hadn't been happy in awhile, but during that time she claimed not to be happy, she was also really into "Yahoo Answers" and 4 out of every 5 answers she posted involved how happy she was with me. They HAVE to tell themselves these things so they don't have to view themselves in a realistic light.

Don't worry about the ramblings of your WW right now. Just worry about whether or not you want to fight for this marriage. Her car was repossessed and she can't go anywhere yet. So get into a knockout Plan A. One thing you could maybe do to throw a wrench into her affair fantasy is to write a nice letter that lists reasons you married her, reasons you love her, and then specifically cite some of your happiest memories with her. Hopefully some of those are recent.

I don't see where you found HIS side and exposed to them. You need to strike there, too.

You guys have so much great advice. It is really hard to be objective all on my own.

I think you're right, it is time for my great Plan A. I can do this! I am a pillar of strength!

I have not been sitting here thinking everything was great. I have been talking to a wall. Now I know there was another guy the wall was talking to. It's been about 6-8 weeks, based on the phone records, and meshes with a return home from a visit to her parents. I assumed she missed them (never cut the apron strings, my WW), and was not happy about leaving them. They used to live a half hour away, its now half the country away, and my MIL is in failing health. But that now appears to be a coincidence. Or perhaps some of both. In any event, things were not great before this happened, for which we both share responsibility. I wish I was half as smart 6 months ago as I've become in a few days perusing this site. She does not appeared to have strayed before this, again based on phone records, and in general I did not suspect anything until relatively recently, so I feel she told the truth about that, at least.

I am hesitant about isolating the money. Obviously I don't want to get burned, but I don't want to breed further mistrust. Has anyone else had problems with that after the fact, when trying to rebuild the relationship? Our finances are completely 100% pristine to this point, I verified this very carefully.

She is not being loving, but she seems to be attempting kindness and patience, to limited success. She does not want to talk about the details of the affair. She knows it hurts me, even though I ask, and she seems hesitant to do so (real or deceit, however, who knows). She really wants me to be angry and sling mud and call names and tell her to get out. She wants this to be easy, and I'm not obliging.

But, she has been more honest about the affair. She is still talking to him, but at least now I know when she does it. Sometimes I'm not sure if that helps or hurts. Both? She's opening up to me more than in a while. She hasn't been cruel. She hasn't been indifferent. What does any of this mean?

Your comment about if it was a buddy... that gives me pause. Maybe it's time I solicited their opinions, hard as it is to explain. For whatever it's worth, we don't have kids because we are physically unable. Don't know how much that matters to the discussion... whatever.

I am completely unable to make a short post. I feel like I'm just babbling, not making any sense. Thanks again, everyone, looking forward to more.

I forgot about updating you on the OM side, sorry! I don't know this POS, so it's been very difficult. Turns out the ex-GF is actually the ex-W... and unfortunately, all of his friends and family think she is a vindictive psycho. She has been very little help. But there was exposure.

I personally exposed to whatever mutual friends they had online. Again, since I don't know anyone, I'm not getting far. But at least the word is out. I'm a little limited on his end, he's not currently married so no one seems to care. And I'm sure the story over there is that I'm a vindictive psycho too. But the word is out.

We'll see where this goes, time to study up on that Plan A some more.

Thanks so much!

A few of us BHs don't believe in Plan A for a BH, mainly because of the resentment and disgust that can build up if the WW continues to see OM once the affair is out in the open.

If your wife manages to visit OM, obviously they are going to have sex. Can you honestly say that you will be able to love her, have sex with her, etc. after that?

If so, go ahead and Plan A. I could never have done it. For me, it was Plan "No contact from this point forward or get the hell out right now".

Everyone is different.

Where are you getting the info that OM's family thinks his ex is a psycho? From WW? If so, ignore. Confirm for yourself by trying to contact OM's family. exW is a psycho but OM is a nice guy that chases after married women. :RollieEyes: His family could be enabling trash but confirm for yourself.

Since you brought up the inability to have children...do you think this plays any part in you WW's infidelity? Feel free to ignore if that's too personal.