What really puzzles me, Chrys, is why, just as people were beginning to nail Chewie, you told him that he did not need to go to his thread, where he was being called to account.

His trick of having used MB concepts for years was recognised. His attempt to anticipate the polygraph failure was anticipated. However, you excused him from coming here just after he failed the test, and he has not been back.

Once again, you are taking MB and recovery seriously and he is letting you do the work. Why are you choosing this situation?

Sugar, this brought me up short and I had to think about it, even though I never told Chewie not to come...I just didn't bug him for a day or 2.
He really doesn't want to come here and be beat up but I have asked him to do so anyway. I know he is reading tonight.

Chrysalis,

I have followed bits and pieces of your story. And only bits and pieces b/c is it too disheartening so soon into my own journey. I am very sorry for you.

I understand your loyalty to your H.
What is it with our loyalty? Something so admired should bring us so much pain.
The hardest thing for me in this whole affair business, was shifting my first loyalty from my H to myself. Only after that did I see what I really deserved.

Where ever your path takes you, I wish you well.

Take care.

Thanks for all the comments today. Please forgive me if I don't respond individually-- lots of hours away from the computer today.

I've been thinking a lot today about what I need to do to protect myself, on all kinds of levels. No need for details. A lot of it is just that darned roller coaster, but some of this I need to get clear on.

That's all. Carry on. I am grateful for even those posts that make me uncomfortable.

I'm sorry to say more on this, and I'll stop as soon as you ask me to.

My reading of the contributions to Chewie's thread was that people were not "chastising" him. That makes it sound as if they were essentially telling him off, as they would a child, and doing so to back up your own chastisement.

Well, I think that what is needed from you is something different from chastisement (although he also needs a good slapping for what he has done). I'm not very good at expressing this, but you need a demonstration of his commitment before you agree to stay with him.

You need to know details of the earlier affair and you to know why OW implied that it was not the only one. I'm surprised that SH allowed you to go through counselling with him without insisting that the details were revealed. Dr Harley writes in one of the Q & A columns about how a BW's nightmares would not stop unless she is given details of an affair from years ago. He said something like "you do not know if this woman lives on your street, attends your church or works with your H" and therefore the BW could not know that she was safe from the affair. It was not just so that she would know what she was forgiving; it was so that she could know what possibility of contact still remained.

How can it be right for him to say that he is not going to talk about that affair? Why have you let him have control like that?

For me, his having control over that knowledge, and keeping details of the current affair to himself (like the PA fact) is a demonstration of how he intends to keep control over your marital "recovery". He has not surrendered to you and he (as yet)does not intend to.

You have asked him to read here again, but you do not insist that he posts. You are thus letting him off answering questions that we are prepared to ask even if you are not. His response to those questions will reveal more about his desire to maintain the wall between you and the affair. His refusal to talk shows that he is loyal to his AP, not to you.

His reading here allows him to see the advice being given to you, and enables him to use that advice to his own ends. Indeed, you recognise this; your asking that we do not talk about certain things is because you know he is likely to use that advice against you. He reads here and learns how to talk the talk, but he does not have to post here and either explain his recent past or refuse to explain it, which refusal in itself would speak volumes.

I coped with repeated D Days really badly, Chrys, and the never-ending affair affected my mental health badly. I'm not trying to attack you; I have the utmost sympathy for you. However, with my new-found MB knowledge, I see you looking after your H as you would one of your children had they messed up their own lives. You felt that he had been through a lot on polygraph weekend and you decided not to push him harder. You seem to see that he has not looked at himself clearly for years and is only just now doing so, and the recognition of who he has become is too much for him.

Well, of course I don't live with him, but what I saw on his thread was a man playing a game with you and the board. He read there to find out exactly what to say so that he could say it. He did that years ago when you counselled with SH. When I revived your threads I was not merely bumping them; I was posting to Chewie on them to ask him about his actions at the time you were going through counselling. I asked him questions on each of those threads and you stopped him from answering them (not that he ever answered any). It seemed to be enough for him to have read them, and it seems to be enough for him to be merely reading this active thread again.

Why is reading and acting guilty enough for you? You might say that he has done more than that; he has agreed to move. Well, look at the way he talks about that. My H fell over himself (actually kneeled at my feet ) the day he told me that he would go to work the next day and refuse to travel ever again (after D Day no. 257). I never asked him for this; he volunteered it because he had had enough of letting the affair ruin our marriage. Chewie says in resentful tones, "I suppose I'll have to move to someone cold and dark".

Why are you letting him off with this?

Tell me to shut up and I will. It is not my intention to hurt you. Best wishes to you, Chrys.

I apologise, Chrys; I made many assumptions in my post. I sometimes think I am the queen of dealing with never-ending affairs, when in reality I have a lot to learn.

Chrys,

I wanted to check on you and see how you are doing.

LC

Sugar, Thank you. No apology needed.

LC,
It's hard. Chewie has gone back to work this morning and was planning on telling work that he plans to leave within a few months. He is increasingly sad. I was not ready for him to go back to work, though I thought I was. He's left his cell phone and pager with me but we all know that means exactly nothing. I thought of something else I need to ask him about and now it is really bothering me.

The school situation for DS14 could be very difficult. We are trying to check out schools early in the process but not many districts are foaming at the mouth to get a very expensive special ed student added to their rolls. I've worked really hard for years to maintain great relationships with school, etc. and help them keep costs down-- and they have been generally honourable in working to meet his educational needs. But I have heard a million horror stories about life in the real world. I expect when the time comes I can call in a few favors and get the district to make some calls for me. But this is not likely to be an easy process.

Anyway, DS14 is home for the holiday and Chewie asked me to bring his lunch by later, which I will do.

I am all over the map on what I am going to do. The only thing I really want to do right now is watch and see what Chewie actually does and try to be emotionally prepared for anything.

You can also contact special education attorneys within communities that you are considering. They tend to have their own ideas regarding which school districts within a community are more willing to work with parents. There are school districts in my community that have a reputation for being difficult and ones that are workable. I think that less tends to be known about districts that are further away from metropolitan areas. I am now in a district that is 'out in the sticks.' It is pretty cooperative.

That is a good idea. Thanks. I do have some people I could ask once I have a general direction.

You are welcome. Will you be making these contacts or will your WH be making them?

I will.

Ugh. Got a hang up call from a restricted number on his cell phone. He left it with me so I could answer for job searches. "Dr. ____"s phone." Silence. Click.

Troll.

you can block restricted incoming, hon.

I didn't know that! How?

Well....I know some carriers you can reject calls that don't have an numeric id, or at least have a different ring tone.

Isn't the problem that even after the recent NC letter, OW (it is her) continues to call Chewie, and Chewie does not report this? This is unlikely to be the first time she has called since the letter, yet Chewie has not kept Chrys informed. Chrys only found out by chance because she and Chewie swapped phones.

Is Chewie is keeping contact a secret, and if so, what does this mean?

It was a hang up not a confirmed call.

This is inaccurate. He handed his phone to me. I kept mine.