Chrys - Have you talked to the Harleys yet? I feel very uncomfortable with you doing ANYTHING right now. This was a huge shock, in fact, I'm still stunned and I don't even know you.

I doubt that it was the OW that called. If hubby was still wayward, he would have found a way to warn her somehow that you had his phone. That is just what they do.

I think she must be laying low right now.

You need some time to start recovering YOURSELF before you even attempt to work on the marriage.

Blessings to you and your family. Stay strong. They need you.

I agree....haven't we ALL hung up on someone when we've dialed the wrong #??

Believer, I have not talked to the Harleys yet. I am not making any decisions yet. I am watching to see what Chewie does.

I do know that Chewie NEEDS to experience some major consequences. Whether leaving behind his nice comfortable station in life and taking a huge financial hit will be enough, I don't know.

He is proceeding apace with the job search and has some nibbles right away. He did tell work he was planning on leaving within a few months. He seems to want me to bring him lunch every day. He's called me every couple of hours. I was hardly a sparkling conversationalist to begin with; it's worse now.

I think we are going to tell DS24 tonight that we are planning to move soon and that he is going to have to find a way to be self-supporting if he wants to stay where he is.

Chrys, while I've never posted to you before, I've been following your story.

I wanted to give you just a mere 2 cents. Here it goes. You seem to be letting your WH drive this bus. You keep saying you haven't made any decisions yet (which is good!) but you're not saying what you've done for YOU today. From where I'm sitting, it really looks like life in your house is ON HOLD - waiting for your WH to "make his move". Yes, surely he's got major work to do but so do you, with or without him. Why not start with a mani/pedi? How about a girl's night? I don't know...something. Anything! I know you're hurting & you're waiting to see what he does next & you are ever cautious. The thing is, I think he knows it too.

Oh, I forgot about your older son. What is he up to? Is he going to school?

Does he know the truth as to why you are moving?

I'm sorry. Obviously I completely misunderstood Chrys's post. I thought that you were suggesting OW yourself, Chrys. I thought that was why you posted about a "hang up" call on this thread.

If I dial a wrong number, I do not just hang up, as JoJo suggests we all do. I check with the respondent that I indeed dialled the wrong number and then apologise for doing so.

Chrys, why did you post about this on this board, on this thread, if OW was not your suspicion?

Also, I know he gave you his phone; you said that clearly. So yes, he would have warned OW about this as soon as he could have, but he might not have had time before the call came in. And, her number is unidentified so he might have hoped that Chrys would assume a wrong number. (Is a "restricted number" one that is unidentified?)

I'm just explaining my post. I accept that my interpretation was wrong and once again I apologise.

Oh, I see. It was the word "swapped" that you were correcting. You had both yours and Chewie's phones.

That seems to me to be a spectacular case of missing the point, but I'll leave it at that.

Some waywards have gone so far as to get a second, secret cell phone.

Sugar....Excuse the word "ALL"....lets put it this way, since you are so nit-picky with wording......

There are a LOT of people that do just hang up when reaching the wrong number! Not everyone, apparently me included, are as socially correct as you are and explain to the answerer that we've dialed the wrong #

Even if he warned OW, it is not a far stretch to imagine that an OW would call anyway just to mess with a BS.

Chrys is not going to find out who made the call, so all of our scenarios mean little.

What matters, Chrys, is that this call caused you to TRIGGER. Did you share this trigger with Chewie (I can't remember if you said you did, sorry)?

If so, how did he help you through this trigger?

I'm being nitpicky again.
Is that what matters? Was your post about how this call caused you to trigger, Chrys? I honestly thought you posted because it seemed that there might be OW games going on, and you wanted to know how people here read the call.

JoJo, I'm really not taking issue with your words. My point was not in the least about whether all, some, most or a few people hang up when they have the wrong number. My point was that this must be someone who regularly phones Chewie, but who hung up when Chrys answered.

It did not occur to me that Chrys would have posted about a simple case of a wrong number on this thread. I can see now that I am making an issue out of nothing.

Whoa! Everybody needs to SLOW DOWN.

First of all, I am not posting everything I think, do, or experience, nor do I intend to. I may post a few sentences of facts about something but some of you are taking that WAY too far in terms of the conclusions you are drawing. In the meantime, I understand you are all posting to me with good intentions and I am trying to weigh your remarks carefully.

Second, I agree with everyone that Chewie has behaved in a way that seems beyond redemption. I told myself he'd be history if this happened. And yet he is acting today like a man who wants to kick his "crack" habit. The man before the affairs was a fine man. What do you do with a formerly-fine man who develops a crack habit? Far easier to kick him to the curb if you haven't been with him 30 years and raised children together.

Do I get what a liar he has become? Absolutely. Do I understand the risk that this is all one more lie? Yup. But why take a huge pay cut and leave a nice life behind just to game your spouse? I am going to let this play out a little bit to see what happens. If he stalls on the job search or pushes too hard to stay a little too close, I can leave at any time.

Most of our waywards don't come quickly back to lives of decency and honor. tst experienced a dramatic turnaround, but not every conversion experience is like the road to Damascus.

Phone....I did not say, but I do believe it to have been OW. I expected that she would attempt contact on Monday. I cannot stop her calling the office nor can I stop Chewie from picking up the phone. If he does that I expect I'll see attitude shifts and a slowdown on the job search. He gave me the phone so he would not pick it up and so that I would not worry. He's had affair phones before, but there was none in his office as of a week ago. I found plenty of other hurtful stuff, but not a phone this time. Yeah, he could already have a new one. Yeah, there could already be another email account. It will show up eventually if it's there. He could be doing absolutely anything and I have no control over that at all. All I can control is myself and my choices and they are neither simple nor straightforward. My choices carry on one hand the risk of being lied to again, and on the other hand the destruction of my family. Harley acknowledges that the BS has no good choices. I'm right there in that camp.

I am not assuming he is for real. Nor am I assuming this is another lie and smokescreen to drag it out a little longer. He's got a bad problem and it has destroyed us. I'm looking for a way to the maximum healing possible.

Kids-- they do not know. I am not telling them yet. We talked with DS24 and he wanted to know why, but we together declined to tell him. We told him we had strong reasons but they would remain our own.

smb-- trigger. That was pretty accurate. It did throw me off for the rest of the day. We talked about it but he couldn't unring the phone. He told me I was welcome to stay with him in the office all afternoon. I chose not to. The incident just emphasized that I cannot remain married and continue to live in this community. That is the one thing I know for sure. He asks me what he can do and I tell him to get me out of here as soon as possible. Until we leave I don't think there will be huge progress.

Chewie has had one phone interview already and they have scheduled a second phone interview with the CEO. That place is several hundred miles away. He's also talking to other places. He's identified clearly what he is looking for and that is helping speed it along.

That's all for now.

Thank you for clarifying this. I did not imagine that you would post about a call that you thought was simply a wrong number.

Chrys, is it possible for him to change his cell #, or would OW just be able to get a hold of it again?

I assumed that was the case, but wanted to ask for clarity.

You're a good mom, and only you can determine when and if to tell your own kids the truth.

FWIW, I learned about my parents infidelity from others and had to piece all the facts together over a period of time. It devistated our relationships. Sadly, I still don't trust my parents to tell me the truth.



I'm sure Chewie wishes those triggers would not be there, but we all know they will be. I know that I hate it when SMB triggers, it's a reminder of how deeply "I" wounded her. But it offers me a chance to show her that I'm right there for her.
It sounds to me like he offered to help you through the moment and attempted to give you a way to be rest assured that he was on board and understood your pain and fear, and wanted to help you through it.

I pray Chewie continues down the path of understanding.

Why?

Chrysalis, I am new to the marriage builders site and have never posted to you before. I've recently read through your story and I just wanted to let you know that I admire your strength and courage to fight for your marriage. I have never been in your situation but realize it has to be tough on both you and your family. I don't have many encouraging words, but just wanted to let you know you are in my thoughts and prayers. I wish the best for you and Chewie. I hope you guys are able to move to a new place soon so that your marriage can begin to heal properly. He put you in a tough position by messing up again. I hope he realizes his mistake and works quickly to make things right. You had every right to walk away from him, but you didn't. He is lucky he has this chance to correct his mistake. He needs to realize what a devoted and loving wife he has in you. I hope everything works out for you. You deserve it.

At the risk of assuming too much (as Chrys suggests some of us are doing) and of being annoying, I'm going to go back to this call.

Isn't a suspected call from OW more than a trigger? I thought that term was used when something reminds the BS of the dead affair. That is what tst seems to be describing.

I'm questioning what this suspected call might say about the possible current affair.

It might be, Chrys, that you have raised this issue with Chewie and do not wish to post details here. I only keep on about the possibility of the affair not being dead because I have been through this horror and feel empathy with you.

Just because the OW may have called does not mean there is a current affair.

I know i my sitch when my H was home with his illness (which was almost 5 months) i had his cell phone the entire time and the FOW KNEW i had the cell phone because it was annouced at his work that he was unreachable but i had his phone in case any work calls came through so i could let them know to contact my H's boss.

The FOW called me at least three times a week and made up some reason why she was calling. I am sure that it really was she was just hoping that my H would answer the phone and she was also just trying to cause trouble with us.