Zen Wolf - Single Dad. Has a ring doesn't it? I mean, I'll actually have some free time for once... I don't have to keep questioning whether or not my wife is crazy. She is! Sad for her, but I'm tired of crucifying myself over this. This is about her inability to deal with things, not what a jerk I was in our marriage. I truly believe if she couldn't make it in our marriage, she can't make it in any marriage. I've had about 4 sets of friends say that this has shaken them to the core, because they feel like if we couldn't make it, who can? All the introspection I've done has been very VERY valuable, and I can move forward in my life knowing that I faced my issues and was willing to change. I did my best. I gave it my all. I think I'm done.

See, I knew the peace wouldn't last. All the bitterness and anger is just knocking on my door!!! I'd love to vent to her. But I don't want to give her the satisfaction. What does one do with the anger?

Zen:
My advice is to be strong and unyielding each time your WW calls it off with OM. I was pretty weak there. And remember that actions speak louder than words. Oh...and waywards ALWAYS lie.

And anger is one of the stages necessary to get through this crap. It's like with "death and dying." Personally, I did everything to delay these stages since I never wanted to get to the final "acceptance" stage. I stayed in denial way too long. And I bargained way too much with WH.

But I wish I had been more angry early on. Maybe it's easier for a man. I told myself that I would wait for the real anger and hate if it ever came to D.

And D is now in progress. And I still can't vent to WH because I'm in Plan B to protect myself. There will be plenty of time -like the rest of my life -- to live in Plan FU.

WH will never be my friend.

Relentless, exhaustive exercise. Push ups, sit ups (pilaties kind with small ball under back). Light weights, a lot of repetitions. Whenever the anger or pain becomes unbearable....drop and give me 50. Walk for miles. Get a treadmill. Focus on you. "The happier you get the more she will regret"

Zen: I agree with ouch...work on YOU! Take care of yourself, look at how much you have grown, examine your own life and move forwards...

I firmly believe that you haven't ridden your last rollercoaster with your WW. Something deep down inside me says the fog will lift when she sees you are "moving on" with your life. All of the sudden she will realize that she wants what she cannot have...and the fog will lift.

How will you prepare yourself for that conversation / realization by your WW? What will you do?

Be strong my brother. Hang in there and take care of ZEN!

Zen

I was like you in the beginning. I was all over the place. It's natural. Your brain is trying to rationalize the actions/words of an insane person!

I read your "Zen single dad" post and I remember thinking the same things.

Ha, yeah, the workout plan has been in effect for awhile now. I've lost over 35lbs in about a month and a half. Skinnier than I've been since I was a sophomore in high school. There are abdominal muscles in there?!

Yeah, I dunno if we're done or not. I suppose I'll leave a little door open in the back of my mind. I still have this strong sense of relief and resolve this morning. I would not be surprised if she tried to come back either. But maybe not. Withdrawal hit her so hard yesterday that she may not be able to confront it again. I think a lot depends on whether or not the OM will take her back. I think he will. I made a bet with a friend that it will happen within a week. Either way, I'm moving on.

Really debating the Big D or legal separation. I'll have to get some opinions on that one.

I sent her my first round of proposals for splitting things up this morning. We'll see how she responds.

Zen: I understand that sense of relief and resolve. Sat night after WW gave me the LB / not looking at you / disrespectful judgement thing I was furious. That's a major LB for me and have expressed that to her in the past, but not recently. Okay, opened the 55 gallon can of whoop-a$$ that night about her LB, but in a calm, respectful manner.

Anyway, later that night I'd just had it and realized that if she wasn't willing or able to make changes, then I was okay with her walking.

Yes, it helps that I've lost some lbs, working out a lot more, dressing more stylish (WW calls me her "hottie husband") and feeling good about myself.

I think part of my fear was that I'd never find someone as good as my WW. Fear that I was a 41 year old balding, over-the-hill looser who would be destined to be alone rest of his life. As my confidence grows so does my courage with my WW. It's just like the wise old MB.com veterans predicted...take care of myself, work on ME, become a better person and no matter what happens with marriage, I will be okay!

I'm hoping for the best for YOU. It may be "congrats, I'm happy for you," or it may be "I'm sorry you headed to Plan D...take care of yourself." Either way I'm confident that YOU will be okay in the end!

That's the ticket. 35lbs! Dude, you are the lean wolf of winter. You're hungry, in control, on the prowl. No more mr. needy. I've lost about 25lbs. since Thanksgiving.

Damn...I had better step it up. Feel like I'm running third in this race...

WW and I are doing P90x and I've dropped 10 lbs...and to my amazement, there is actually a six-pack growing where my belley once was

Trading in my keg for a six pack too.

Zen since you are going plan B. A thought. Your wife thinks you are pining away for her (which you might be) If you think that she has to hit bottom, what about a little plan of your own. When she is around. Get a friend to text you. Then when you get it. Laugh a bit. Do this a couple of times. Then excuse yourself and take a call outside. Laugh again. Start her thinking. When you come back in, if she asks, tell her "its just a friend". If she takes it further by asking "male or female", tell her without anger or attitude. "Are we now keeping each other up to date on our personal life?" Then all of a sudden. During the week. ask if your wife can take the kids and babysit. You will be able to judge a lot from her response. If she asks. "It's just coffee with a friend" Then go to a movie. In a month or two ask her to take the kids for the weekend. Let her see that you are moving on. At least you will know what she thinks by her attitude. JMHO. I know this is gaslighting, but if it lets you judge where she is at, could save you a lot of wasted effort about thinking of reconciliation.

Ouch: I understand the rationale behind your suggestion. But in my eyes this is being dishonest and trying to manipulate his WW.

Think about it in this way Zen -- if this type of action causes your WW to come out of the fog and you end up working more on marriage...you will then be forced to tell her you were yanking her chain with the texts, and impression that you were "seeing someone."

And I'm willing to bet if WW does think you are "seeing someone" even though just a friend, it would justify her actions of the A. Can you see her thinking to herself, "see, he's doing it also."

Nope, i'm totally against this. Sorry Ouch. I think a solid Plan A is to prove to WW that you can improve and move on with life. Not try and make her jealous by lying about a "friend."

I agree with DNU1

Lies to cover up lies??? Our WWs are masters of that....look where it got them!!
I know if my WW asked to see MY cell bill....I have nothing to be ashamed of.

On the workout stuff.....my kids have told WW.....dad is ripped!! LOL kids.

Lordy lordy, Plan B sounds like too much energy. I'm just in Plan Move On. Really. I'm not pining, I'm pretty sure I don't want her at this point. I found out about another one night stand, and possible emotional affair other than the doozy she's involved in now.

I truly don't think my wife can face the guilt of this. I think she'll go to her grave having internalized her justifications. Who knows. I do think if the Dude truly dumped her, the fog might clear, but it's becoming irrelevant.

I talked to her parents today who mentioned that she wasn't at her brother's. She said last night that she was headed there because OM and she had broken up. She also said she had talked to him that day (about break up matters), so I'm 99% she convinced him to give it another try. This time it'll stick!!!? And who knows, it might. I'm definitely at the end of my rope.

I just need to move on. Let the last bits of love fade into the past. I don't even know her anymore. Lean mean, single Dad machine.

How did you find out? What did you find out?

Did she fess up about this stuff?

About her ending up back at the Dude's? Well, it's just the logical answer. Talked to her dad this morning who mentioned that he talked to her brother who said she was not there. Lot's of hear say.

Oh, about the other affairs? She fessed up to the one night stand when she was drunk the other night. The other I heard from a friend wh she apparently confided in months ago. This friend also mentioned her showing off her breasts at the bar. Another friend mentioned several near brawls involving my wife. Also a hot tub party where my wife just got naked. I just don't think I can live with this?!

Have you gone to alanon yet?

I'm having a disgustingly awesome time venting to her right now. She SUPER-REMORSEFUL. I'm not being mean, just detached. The reality of us splitting. Feels good and terrible.

No, I will have to think about therapy and programs. I'm sure I'll need it soon.

What you need is a safe-room or a soundproof room or something.

Don't they have rooms in Japan or something where you pay like $100 and just bust the whole room to he11?

Just a thought. You need some sort of release in all this, something safe to take your anger out on.

Maybe take up some physical thing like karate or boxing.