I so appreciate you Kick.....

I am just letting G-d do what he is doing. I'm surrendered and just being. Nothing more, nothing less.

In fact, I am happily making out invitations to our mayor, state legislature and senators and union big wigs for an annual classified staff dinner that I am in charge of arranging, so my attention is being kept occupied.

I love planning big dinners.... LOL

To hold myself accountable to my recovery I called my AA sponsor to tell her what I had found out and what was going on.

She is NOT HAPPY with me at all. But getting over that she said something that has seriously pushed my buttons and I'm not sure if I'm overreacting or mixing semantics.

In telling her what I had heard I called it an affair and she jumped down my throat. She told me they weren't having an affair, but had a relationship. What I feel like she is doing is legitimizing what he did and I'm simply not going to go there.

She also doesn't buy into the MB theory on affairs at all so I can't even go there with her. Which I have no desire. She will think what she thinks, doesn't make it right.

(I'll dance with ya honey....... )

not2fun

Thanks babe... No details and not even sure its for real. WH hasn't made a single move towards contact.

SO NOTHING HAS CHANGED

Not so my dear friend...

YOU have.

Hey sweetie! Just wanted to stop in and say

Yes I have.....

JT, I'm really shook up over this affair vs relationship. Am I just being too sensitive.

Thanks LaLa,

Got any words of wisdom. I'm finding myself very restless right now and that's a dangerous place.

How are you?

Naw, you're not being too sensitive. I'm not sure why your AA sponsor would say that, but two possibilities come to mind.

1) Perhaps she has had a "relationship" so she has a hard time accepting that it was really an "affair" or

2) She believes the Lifetime movie/pop culture idea that any romantic connection is a "relationship" and isn't really "wrong" because-after all-"if it feels right, it can't be wrong."

But, I wouldn't try to change her mind. Your work with her is about you and working the steps. Of course, you could say something like "You are right, I used the wrong word when I said "affair". The dictionary says that when a married person has a relationship outside of their marriage, it's called adultery or infidelity. I'll just say those from now on." and then, give her your best goddess smile.

Or you could just keep the semantics lesson to yourself and give her the smile anyway. That might be more fun.

Agreed...

She wants me to see REALITY so bad and just won't allow that I might be on to something here.

Oh well....

Having sponsored people in AA over the years, I see a red flag in how your sponsor has responded to the word Affair vs relationship.

If you and your sponsor do not line up on this MAJOR life area, you need to seek out another sponsor.

She cannot advise you effectively in working through the 12 steps unless both of your philosophies regarding YOUR BIGGEST life event in the last 15 years line up.

It's not just semantics.

I don't understand how your sponsor feels calling it an affair is a denial of reality on your part. Yes, they are having (or had) a relationship. We define all kinds of relationships in our life. Their relationship is an affair. Your relationship with him is a marriage. Did you feel that she was balking at you calling it an affair, or was she balking at the idea that you see an "affair" as an addiction?

Good evening, Miss Queenie!

I saw you drop by my thread & had to come by to say hello and see what's up. I've not had much time for MB as of late,,,just a few moments from time to time to drive by and read a few posts.

So sorry I haven't been keeping up with you, as it sounds like there are a few things new.

I don't have a lot of time, but I will throw in my 2 cents on your sponsor's issue with the labeling of your WH's 'relationship' as an affair.

I'll just be my usual blunt self,,,,and say what a load of crapola. As someone who is supposed to be versed in the world of addicts and addiction, I would think that as a sponsor she would be able to call a spade a spade.

You can dress up a pig and call it a queen,,,,it's STILL a pig.

You can call an affair a relationship,,,,,it's STILL an affair.

It's STILL ADULTERY!

I'm with tst on the fact that this is a pretty big issue to be at odds with the person who is supporting you in your on going recovery. Think about it for a bit. Pray about it. But do consider you may need to think about a new sponsor who can better relate in this matter. Again,,,just my 2 cents.

You are not being overly sensitive here.

Ok, now that is out of the way. I think you are doing GREAT!!! Not overreacting to the possibility of the crack Ho being outta the picture,,,,,,,,,,, FABULOUS!!

Keeping WH where he belongs - in G-d's hands!! OUTSTANDING!!

Staying focused on YOU and your well being,,,,VERY GODDESS Like!

Girl, you got it going on. And you are such a joy & help to so many others here on the board.

I bow to your Goddess nature!! I am in awe!!

Keep up the great work!

Queenie, I am alway impressed with your faith. So many times I struggle with mine and turning it over to God and letting go.

I felt a jolt of excitement that WH and crack ho broke up. It gives us hope for all of us.

I know it is a long path but it could still be a path. Have you thought abobut giving a 2nd Plan B letter in the near future if WH is still broken up. In this way you can let him know the door can still be open with serious boundaries.

Still continue on with D but try to delay and play it out.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Queenie:

When's your next court date? Start looking for a KILLER outfit to wear that will knock the socks off of WH and every other man in the room.

Look HOT, missy. Be CONFIDENT, my dear. No expectations since it's not about him, it's about YOU looking and feeling your best.

I think this would be a BAD idea in your situation, Queenie.

IF, and that is a BIG IF, you were to consider giving WS an admission ticket into your life, it had better be after he has PROVEN HIMSELF.

Hope, Queenie's WS has completely checked out of her and her kids lives and has been that way for a very long time.

...IF and WHEN WS attempts to make contact and shows an interest in M recovery....and IF Queenie wants to, I would I suggest a 2nd copy of PLB to remind WS of what needs to happen first (in case he forgot)

...in the meantime, Queenie is very busy being and learning to be... a GOODESS!

Good morning,

Thank you all for your input. Yes, Exodus, I feel that my sponsor is attacking two things. She feels that because I am willing to still call it an affair it somehow negates that I have accepted reality as it is. And no, she doesn't buy that it is an addiction at all and he is just a sick human being and I should be done with him. She doesn't buy into this thinking that once the affair had ended, that after a period of time, withdrawal, etc. he would go back to being who he was. But see, what I have to ACCEPT, who he was before all this was someone very unhappy in his life, like I was. He is looking and running to find something and I can't be in his way or deter the lessons he has to learn for himself.

Bugs, I'm am so glad to see you. How are you? I haven't seen you around and was hoping to get an update in your life. I am working hard to rise up to my GODDESS self and just keep on pace. Obviously I had a slip, it was bound to happen, but I went to the meeting last night and the topic was ACCEPTANCE...

PERFECT....

Yes, Plan B letter would be nice to give him, but I communicated to his friend there was a door open to home. I'm not contacting WH at all. For a few reasons. I have in all honestly not had one word of contact with WH since March 17, 08 and as much as it killed me it was what G-d wanted clearly.

Two - I have still not received the garnishment wages from WH's work and he has made NO attempt to contact me or even take care of his responsibilities. He is from what little facts I have being a total jerk WH and I am NOT about to be in line for his poison. If I have learned anything it's that he is toxic and sick and I am better off without WH. If there was SOMETHING on HIS part to make amends, open the door, take care of his children, ANYTHING... I would be posting about it, seeking advice etc. BUT NOTHING.. and from what I can tell he is still living life happy by running around playing lacrosse, soccer and being a single man now and reconnecting with high school people. He hasn't tried to contact his children, he hasn't made sure we were taken care of financially and is arguing he is entitled to a trust fund that I received AFTER he left.

This is HIS journey and HIS struggle with G-d. G-d spoke two me one day over a year ago and told me to STAY OUT OF IT. DO NOTHING. All I have is to TRUST G-d. I love this man so very much. I have to accept that there is a path that G-d has me on and it might have to include divorce. I don't want it, but my husband is a hurting human being and I love him enough to let him go and let G-d break him and build him back into who he has designed.

And I have to somehow ACCEPT is just might NOT include me or our M.

Bugs, BTW I went back and read your thread and thought to myself, what would Bugs do and that's what has helped me through this the last couple of days.

My next court date is March 6, but I'm not prepared at all. I even think that if I could just get a little more time WH might disappate a little and H will become a little stronger and have some compassion and agree to spousal support and drop the attempt to get my money.

Holy, I have gained weight back, I don't have money to get a killer outfit. All I have which in a way is good enough to me is my spirit of who I have become. I don't feel like I need to impress him or make him see what he lost. I know who and what I have become. A woman of G-d and my faith and trust in G-d is what i carry with me proudly.

Does that mean I'm giving up on losing weight, no way. But it means that I am who I am today and I'm learning to just love me the way I am instead of being something then learning to love myself. I hope that makes sense.

This is the essence of the 11th step. ((((queenie)))