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Originally Posted by Chrysalis
I still think OW is a troll. My wish for her is that she wakes up tomorrow with a disfiguring but not-fatal illness, a permanent case of laryngitis, and an overnight gain of 50 pounds-- and that her husband loves her anyway.


ME TOO....ME TOO..... puke

Of course, you MAY just GET your wish..... wink (Not still beaming from yesterdays FYI.... grin)

Of course, now I just wonder if I enjoyed my info TOO MUCH that it may come back and BITE ME......


On a side note, Chrys,

You had a very good and strong post back there. GOOD FOR YOU!!! I hope you are keeping your strenght up and letting Chewster know YOU MEAN BUSINESS...... kiss to you....

not2fun

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Of course, now I just wonder if I enjoyed my info TOO MUCH that it may come back and BITE ME......

Sorry Chrys, t/j.

Not,

I've taught my children it's never a good idea to celebrate someone else's misfortune. It usually brings the karma train right back at you. I'm not saying a person can't acknowledge it, I just personally wouldn't celebrate it.

end t/j

LC





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Originally Posted by lifeschoice
Quote
Of course, now I just wonder if I enjoyed my info TOO MUCH that it may come back and BITE ME......

Sorry Chrys, t/j.

Not,

I've taught my children it's never a good idea to celebrate someone else's misfortune. It usually brings the karma train right back at you. I'm not saying a person can't acknowledge it, I just personally wouldn't celebrate it.

end t/j

LC

That's why it's only really sweet if her husband still loves her, and that she GETS IT.


Chrysalis
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You don't need to twist my arm on that one. dance2

Add some narled and fungus ridden toe nails.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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It's been 30 days since I posted an update about my stuff.

Not much new to report. We are working on moving and are sorting out the pros and cons of several locations, and are starting the process of site visits. Interestingly, our first site visit is to someplace cold and dark. Chewie is finding that funny but challenging in a not-bad way. Other locations we are looking at are nearer. It is going to probably come down to what we think we can work out with the schools in whatever location to take care of DS15's needs. There are other factors, such as proximity to family, and how far is "far enough" to move, and cost of living changes that will help absorb a nasty pay cut, but schools are the most huge consideration.

I spend every lunch hour with Chewie and he usually works on job stuff during that time. He is home early. There is no unaccounted for time. It will, however, not be an easy road back to finding good feelings in the M. I'm still pretty much a train wreck most days.

I'm looking into some personal recovery efforts that take Chewie out of the equation. By that don't mean "get rid of Chewie." What I mean is that I am trying to move in a direction of healing myself without regard to what he does or doesn't do-- to find a way forward into a happy life no matter what I decide. That's all pretty vague, but that's OK, I think I know what I mean! I've spent the last 2 months just wanting to die and when I didn't want to die, wanting to rage and hurt Chewie. That is getting old, even to narcissistic me. So now I am trying to look at how to get healthy no matter what.

OW made a nasty attempt at contact the other day -- really just a lashing out to the "secret" email account-- followed by an apology to me to the same email account the next day. It was really hurtful but in retrospect provides some evidence of NC holding. Whatever. Chewie is not necessarily foggy but I suspect in some withdrawal. Not a whole lot of spontaneous warm fuzzies.

I ask him why he wants to stay. I always get the same answer. "I love you, we have had a good life together, and we can have a good life again." Maybe, but not until we have moved away from here. Right now, I'm thinking cold, dark and far away beats warm, sunny, and still close to relatives, but I could be wrong.

One continued sore spot is the area of spirituality. Chewie continues to attend church with me but he does not buy in and is not interested in returning to the beliefs he formerly held. I simply don't know what to do with that. On the bright side, DS15 asked yesterday to go to church this sunday-- we missed the last 2 weeks due to daylight savings (oops) and my being out of town last weekend. Turns out one of the teachers at school is in the bell choir and told him there would be bells this week, so he wants to go.

That's all I can think of for now.


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({{{{{Chrysalis}}}}}}}
I've never posted to you but I think of you and prayer for you daily. Make sure that you take care of you.

God speed

JoJo


Me46
FWH42
Married 19 yrs
EA 4/07 - 4/08
(Confirmed by polygraph that it had not gone PA)
Dday1 4/13/08
Dday2 8/8/08
S26
S16
D10
Trying to Recover
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I ask him why he wants to stay. I always get the same answer. "I love you, we have had a good life together, and we can have a good life again."


That is good to hear. *hugs* and yay that things are progressing with you and your M


Recovered marriage, recovering self, life gets better everyday laugh
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Chrys, baby steps. It looks like baby steps.

Regarding the spiritual issues. Do you think guilt, sin, repentance, and forgiveness issues could be playing into Chewie's reluctance to re-embrace his previous beliefs? Maybe this is a way to avoid confronting some of his 'stuff'.

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Originally Posted by cinderella
Regarding the spiritual issues. Do you think guilt, sin, repentance, and forgiveness issues could be playing into Chewie's reluctance to re-embrace his previous beliefs? Maybe this is a way to avoid confronting some of his 'stuff'.


I do think that, CInders. I just don't know of any way to facilitate a positive change.


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Originally Posted by Chrysalis
There was no rule in place. He was not in physical possession of the only security codes at the time it disappeared. There is a workaround but I don't think he used it and why would he anyway? I already saw the email. The blowup had already occurred.

It doesn't matter, it will be a subject for the polygraph anyway.
He probably deleted it so you couldn't keep looking at it. He probably didn't want to see it anymore either. My WS would delete it and then tell me that I imagined the whole thing. That it never existed. That he didn't know what I was talking about. lol


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Chrys,

Hoping that all is going well for you. I don't get much time to post, but I'm following along....


BS - me 56
XWH - 57

12/25/06 - Dday - WH promised NC. Plan A in effect. Thought we were in recovery.

6-3-07 - Dday#2 Found out NC never took place and A never ended. Found MB NC promised again, but WH would not write NC letter.

9/07 - Dday #3. Still lying and sneaking around. Plan B implemented
WH wants nothing to do with me

Divorced as of 12/09 after 36 years
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Chrys,

Some of the phone providers will say where the phone calls are coming from.

In my sitch OW used the *67 to hide her phone number on the incoming calls, but when I analyzed the calls I saw the area she lived in and how many calls. It won't tell you the specific number, just the area.

My WH did the reverse when he called her. That is until I confronted him with the information and they went underground further.

We use verizon wireless.

Good luck,

nab


Me-49, WH-51
Married 02/1983 yrs, Sons - 27, 26, 20
1st PA - 1985, 1st known EA - 1992/1993
2nd PA - 06/02 to 11/04
1st D-day - 09/03, D-day 2 - 10/04 D-day 3 05/08
NC e-mail - 11/04- it wasn't real
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There are no current phone issues. The recent attempt at contact was through email.

I have not been feeling good about things the last few days. There's nothing specific, just a general sense that Chewie hasn't hit bottom with this thing. He was a little snarly to me a couple of times, but that's not it. He just seems like a wayward alien to me lately. I look at him and have no idea what is real and what isn't.

It's that he's lied so much, for so long, that I have no way of knowing the truth any more. He could tell me anything and what he says means absolutely nothing. And I can't live my life that way.

SAA talks about marriages being saved in spite of lengthy affairs and a general lack of remorse on the part of the wayward. In SAA there is no real threshold requirement for recovery except NC and a willingness to work to avoid LBs and fill each other's love banks. Am I right about that?

I asked Chewie to return to the MB home study course with me and either pick up where we left off or start over. He agreed but wasn't happy about it. That is part of my discontent.

He's home more than ever. Good grief, he walked in before 6 pm last night! I have not seen that from him, ever.

I don't know what the problem is.

(fret, bother, itch....)


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With all you have been through you could not help but be a little twitchy! I know I am.

Once they are known for lying easily and frequently it gets real hard to believe them.

I hope your heart is feeling a little better. I think about you a lot and was a bit worried but figured you went off board to solve some problems. Whatever, I am glad you are back. Sending hugs.(((((hugs)))))


BW-me-56
FWH-GreenMile-62
Married 1982
2 wonderful grown sons

D Day #1 4/1985
D Day #2 10/03/08
D Days continued for a while.

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Personally, I think some people are just able to live without a true expression of remorse from their WS. I can't and I don't get it, but some people can do it.

Have you read the 5 Love Languages book about the languages of apology? Maybe it would help you understand the feelings you are having. I can't remember the 5 languages of apology right off the bat, but I know that the language that I need is Restitution. If a person can not speak our apology language, we will NEVER believe they are sorry.

I actually read this during my H's A. It was when I was trying desperately to figure out what was wrong while he kept telling me NOTHING was wrong.

Hope this might be helpful.

Blessings,


WH2LE

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FWH-54
Married-5/26/2001(2nd for me, 1st for him)
DS-30
DD-27
D-Day-05/31/2007
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Thanks, guys. sss, I saw your posts today. Hugs to you. W2LE, good idea bout that book. I saw a synopsis of the apology languages but could never identify mine. I just want it to be REAL, darn it!


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Hello to you all before the weekend.

I have settled down quite a bit lately. I am focusing on my own recovery, emotional and spiritual, and just trying to keep my side of the street clean. I still don't know how this will all turn out, but that's OK for right now.

This weekend we are going to someplace about as different from Southern California as you could imagine. Chewie has a job interview and I am interviewing the schools. We have never been there (well I was in that state briefly once or twice.) We are both anticipating the cold with some anxiety.

I would appreciate prayers for wisdom in all this! This place is pulling out all the stops to welcome us, which is a little daunting.

We are getting along OK with no interpersonal drama and even some good vibes. DS15 is not doing too well, however. This is the time of year his condition tends to kick up and he is suspended from school this week (and quite sad and embarrassed.) His recent instability makes the school interview even more important.

I really wonder what I am going to do if a move can't be worked out soon. We are patching together a reasonable but very short term safety plan. It isn't acceptable in the long run-- not after so many false recoveries with OW in close proximity. He can't forever avoid meetings at the office where OW now works, for example. We have to get away from here.

And I am really afraid sometimes that it won't be possible.


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Following your thread, Chrys, and praying for your progress.

Know that you ARE being guided to a place where you can heal. Where that place is hasn't been revealed yet, but it will come.

Till then, I wish you comfort wherever you can find it.

RHW


Me BS 61
Him FWS 63
Married 40 years
D-Day 6/30/06
Still can't believe it.
6/08 Recovering nicely. Anything is possible!
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hug Chrysalis
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I am focusing on my own recovery, emotional and spiritual, and just trying to keep my side of the street clean

and theres a lot to be said about that. Dont underrate your actions right now and how they are helping you. clap

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We are both anticipating the cold with some anxiety
I dont know whether to laugh or be sympathetic about this. I do think you are going to find the cold a real shock judging from seeing you shiver in yempertures I thoughts were just a bit cool wink

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I would appreciate prayers for wisdom in all this!
Always

Quote
really wonder what I am going to do if a move can't be worked out soon. We are patching together a reasonable but very short term safety plan. It isn't acceptable in the long run-- not after so many false recoveries with OW in close proximity. He can't forever avoid meetings at the office where OW now works, for example. We have to get away from here.

And I am really afraid sometimes that it won't be possible.

hug pray hug


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RHW and Lil, Thanks.

Yes, I know the cold will be a shock. But Lil, it was only 50ish that night you saw me shiver! My thinned-out desert blood felt it greatly!

Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr


Chrysalis
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