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I think an abandoned WS is worse. They have all the guilt and shame, AND ABANDONMENT. The fWS that work their as off to save the M, yet the BS wants nothing more to do w/ them and just walks. That must be pure hel. Thoughts?

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Originally Posted by Dude007
I think an abandoned WS is worse. They have all the guilt and shame, AND ABANDONMENT. The fWS that work their as off to save the M, yet the BS wants nothing more to do w/ them and just walks. That must be pure hel. Thoughts?

I think both options suck. But I don't look at it as a game of one upmanship. I think a lot of FWS are truly sorry. Sometimes sorry doesn't cut it and the M ends. I'm sure a lot of people are sorry after they murder someone but it doesn't change the fact that they are going to jail. But even with my WW I don't take pleasure in her misery. I think that is just plain spiteful and probably not going to lead me to a good place.



BH - me. 35
WW - 31
DD - 3
DD - 4
DS - 7
Married 9 years
D-date - 9/12/2008
EA - ~9/06-9/08
PA - 9/07-9/08
NC #1 - 9/15/2008
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NC #2 - 11/8/2008 - Hopefully the last time
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Originally Posted by Dude007
I think an abandoned WS is worse. They have all the guilt and shame, AND ABANDONMENT. The fWS that work their as off to save the M, yet the BS wants nothing more to do w/ them and just walks. That must be pure hel. Thoughts?

First off, your title doesn't fit your message, since you are comparing to a BS that walks away out of free will, not abandoned.

Second, are you suggesting that a BS doesn't feel a ton of guilt and shame?

Third, what's the point of comparing pain?


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It depends. If a WS is a FWS, meaning genuinely remorseful and broken, that can be it's own punishment. Not sure how often that happens or if the FWS simply medicates themselves so they can go on with their life. I will always have more sympathy for the BS though.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
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Dude007 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by dkd
Originally Posted by Dude007
I think an abandoned WS is worse. They have all the guilt and shame, AND ABANDONMENT. The fWS that work their as off to save the M, yet the BS wants nothing more to do w/ them and just walks. That must be pure hel. Thoughts?

First off, your title doesn't fit your message, since you are comparing to a BS that walks away out of free will, not abandoned.

Second, are you suggesting that a BS doesn't feel a ton of guilt and shame?

Third, what's the point of comparing pain?

"First off, your title doesn't fit your message, since you are comparing to a BS that walks away out of free will, not abandoned." WRONG, BS is Abandoning the M if they leave and don't fight for it, RIGHT??!! Thats what the fWW said.

"Second, are you suggesting that a BS doesn't feel a ton of guilt and shame?" SHAME FOR WHAT?

"Third, what's the point of comparing pain?" This WHOLE ***edit*** Board is about pain, and the degrees people go through. A lot of the BS who's WS has walked out on them seem like it EXTREMELY painful. I'm merely trying to clarify if a repentant WS who wants to fight for their M, but the BS has not interest and leaves, GENERALLY has a rougher time and more pain because of the added GUILT AND SHAME on top of the ABANDONMENT.

Last edited by Maverick_mb; 02/18/09 03:12 PM. Reason: Do NOT bypass the profanity filter
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What are you trying to achieve with this thread?


Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
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There is a REASON for the auto-censor on this board. The Harleys do not wish for profanity to be used here. It is NOT okay to bypass the profanity filter!

Thank you.

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WHY DO WS CHEAT??! <- We all know there is no clear answer to this, but its a great discussion peace. Same thing, understanding the depth of pain for ABDANDONED fWS, the only thing it could possibly be compared to is an ABANDONED BS, but even then I would think the former GENERALLY experiences more pain than the latter. Its a discussion question just like WHY DO WS CHEAT?! Nobody knows....

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Originally Posted by Dude007
"First off, your title doesn't fit your message, since you are comparing to a BS that walks away out of free will, not abandoned." WRONG, BS is Abandoning the M if they leave and don't fight for it, RIGHT??!! Thats what the fWW said.

Abandoning someone and being abandoned are too very different things. Which one do you mean?

Originally Posted by Dude007
"Second, are you suggesting that a BS doesn't feel a ton of guilt and shame?" SHAME FOR WHAT?
[/quote] Shame in the sense that feel fools for trusting the WS and a part of a horrible marriage. Not to mention how they may feel if kids are involved or whatever fault they may or may not have.

Originally Posted by Dude007
"Third, what's the point of comparing pain?" This WHOLE ***edit*** Board is about pain, and the degrees people go through. A lot of the BS who's WS has walked out on them seem like it EXTREMELY painful. I'm merely trying to clarify if a repentant WS who wants to fight for their M, but the BS has not interest and leaves, GENERALLY has a rougher time and more pain because of the added GUILT AND SHAME on top of the ABANDONMENT.

What difference does it make? I don't think a WS should get a pass because of what they are suffering through, nor do I think a BS should feel any obligation to reconcile the marriage because WS is hurting or trying. I don't see how the answer to your question drives to any kind of action or conclusion.


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Dude, you are one of the only posters I don't get. In fact, I don't think YOU get YOU.

You D'd your wife because she cheated on you.

That was YOUR RIGHT. And no one here is certainly going to beat you up over it.

Yet you come here and brag about your revenge affair, all of the "windfall" you got from D'ing your WW ($$$, cars, young/hot GF, hot tubs, to name a few). You put on this huge air of "not caring" and that you are "better off" but yet clearly, you are obviously still obsessed with the whole thing because you keep coming here to post stuff like this. Why do you care if you are so much better off (as you claim)?

There's very few BS that I can't sympathize with-- even the very angry ones around here. I understand their hurt and pain. But yet I really have a hard time sympathizing with you. I'm sorry, but it just seems that you are trying to cover up for a lot of pain with a lot of very shallow things that will leave you very empty in the end-- and quite frankly, IMHO, you are putting YOURSELF on a road to lose the most of what "matters" in life.

I really wish you the best, and I hope that you come to work thru a lot of things on your own.

E.




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E I think your post is spot on.


BH - me. 35
WW - 31
DD - 3
DD - 4
DS - 7
Married 9 years
D-date - 9/12/2008
EA - ~9/06-9/08
PA - 9/07-9/08
NC #1 - 9/15/2008
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Originally Posted by eeyoree
you come here and brag about your revenge affair, all of the "windfall" you got from D'ing your WW ($$$, cars, young/hot GF, hot tubs, to name a few). You put on this huge air of "not caring" and that you are "better off" but yet clearly, you are obviously still obsessed with the whole thing because you keep coming here to post stuff like this. Why do you care if you are so much better off (as you claim)?

You said what I was thinking.........

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Great post eeyoree - I totally agree.


Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
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Empty Nesters.
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Why are you yelling?


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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For the spouse that decides to stay but the other spouse leaves, it does not matter who had the affair.

Many WS's never intend to divorce their BS when they had their affair.


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Originally Posted by eeyoree
Dude, you are one of the only posters I don't get. In fact, I don't think YOU get YOU.

I think I get Dude. This guy is in serious pain. And he expresses it. It may not come out as eliquently as others, but it is blatantly obvious. He says the things that many of us BS's are afraid to even think. I find it somewhat cathartic to read it in actual words. Like - maybe I'm not completely insane. You can read the same raw edge in Krazy and Pariah's posts.

As for which is worse, who knows. I was an abandoned BS in the sense that WstbxH left me for OW. We get the odd WS here crying because their BS left (abandoned) them due to an A. I don't read those threads because I can't stand them. Sorry, but if you do the crime, do the time. Do they feel guilt and shame? Maybe they do but as far as I'm concerned they deserve it. It's the difference between a child starving in Africa vs. a grown man who suckers the wellfare system so he can sleep all day and do drugs all night on my tax dollars - both equally hungry but I'm not equally sympathetic to them.




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I am much better off...I hear from my fwXw every day. I try and gauge how she is doing because I still love her. I'm still very sweet to her regardless of all the crap that hit the fan w/ us in 08. So yes, I still feel the pain. I'm much better off financially and for sure have had my day in the sun the last 6 mo. I then met my beautiful GF and dropped all the rest. Doesn't mean I feel nothing. Just trying to understand how all this effects my relationships going forward. Strange thing is no one here seems to have the similar incidence of Retaliation, and then Banking on the A. Maybe I'm crazy, but people get married for money every day, but I get blasted for divorcing for money.(Taken the out!) So yes, Tabby knows I'm still hurt, but I do enjoy blowing all the cash and dating like there is no tomorrow. So what? Am I not deserving of that?

DUDE

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Originally Posted by Dude007
I am much better off...I hear from my fwXw every day. I try and gauge how she is doing because I still love her. I'm still very sweet to her regardless of all the crap that hit the fan w/ us in 08. So yes, I still feel the pain. I'm much better off financially and for sure have had my day in the sun the last 6 mo. I then met my beautiful GF and dropped all the rest. Doesn't mean I feel nothing. Just trying to understand how all this effects my relationships going forward. Strange thing is no one here seems to have the similar incidence of Retaliation, and then Banking on the A. Maybe I'm crazy, but people get married for money every day, but I get blasted for divorcing for money.(Taken the out!) So yes, Tabby knows I'm still hurt, but I do enjoy blowing all the cash and dating like there is no tomorrow. So what? Am I not deserving of that?

DUDE

I feel very sorry for your girlfriend. Does she know you are just using her? Are you insane still being in contact with your ex-wife? How does your girlfriend feel about that?


Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
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Dude,

it would be easier on people if you didnt start a new thread. Your story gets too hard to follow.

Are you drinking right now BTW???


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Originally Posted by bigkahuna
Originally Posted by Dude007
I am much better off...I hear from my fwXw every day. I try and gauge how she is doing because I still love her. I'm still very sweet to her regardless of all the crap that hit the fan w/ us in 08. So yes, I still feel the pain. I'm much better off financially and for sure have had my day in the sun the last 6 mo. I then met my beautiful GF and dropped all the rest. Doesn't mean I feel nothing. Just trying to understand how all this effects my relationships going forward. Strange thing is no one here seems to have the similar incidence of Retaliation, and then Banking on the A. Maybe I'm crazy, but people get married for money every day, but I get blasted for divorcing for money.(Taken the out!) So yes, Tabby knows I'm still hurt, but I do enjoy blowing all the cash and dating like there is no tomorrow. So what? Am I not deserving of that?

DUDE

I feel very sorry for your girlfriend. Does she know you are just using her? Are you insane still being in contact with your ex-wife? How does your girlfriend feel about that?

Dude,

You are in serious denial. You are trying to numb the pain with GF whom is only going to get hurt. You think thats fair. Pull yourself together admit you want to save your M and go do it.

Otherwise you'll end up another classic case of suicide over a broken heart


Plan D June 08
Me FBS 36
W 38
Married 13/1/09
The best is yet to come, with or without your WS
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